I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
CAT COMMANDMENTS
THOU SHALT not pull the phone cord out of the back of the computer.
THOU SHALT not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
THOU SHALT not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not
transparent.
THOU SHALT not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
THOU SHALT not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
THOU SHALT not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast
as thou art, thou canst not run through closed doors.
THOU SHALT not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
THOU SHALT not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt
fall in and trap thyself.
THOU SHALT not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
THOU SHALT not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
THOU SHALT not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
THOU SHALT remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
THOU SHALT never forget that thou art not human.
Thou art a feline. That is
special enough.
Rules for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Orientalrug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwiseknown
as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so asto
obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every sooften
reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,
keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the bestof
your ability.After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and
erasersoff the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sureto
jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lapacross
arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something intheir arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This willhelp their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannotfind you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you haverun away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you withlove and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
How to Give a Cat a Pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as holdinga
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat'smouthand
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. Ascat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat inleft
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rearpaws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased.
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will
be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him
of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap
just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the
cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to
stop.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do
something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of
light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot
in any given room.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times
the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection
of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of
milk consumed.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
How to tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following questions.
1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him? If you answered "yes" to most of these questions . . .
Relax, your cat is normal.
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
And that will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of a black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore me
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a term paper?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around.
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitos
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps wake the dead.
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! My Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue.
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp...
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much."
Litter box not here
You moved it on me again
I'll crap in the sink
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
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Psychic Kitty
A Kitten's Prayer
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