The WALL OF SHAME!

The author is specified after the title.

One of the fingers off of the Love Glove. (Gustav)

So many people think it is disgusting... fools. What can I say? The Love Glove played an important role in a lot of people's lives. Most were petrified by it. A lot just thought I was stupid for even having it. Jesus man! It's just a rubber glove with a heart and some lines on it!

Star Wars Episode 1. (Klaus)

It's hard, so much sucked about it. 2 Jedi's kill everyone- cool. Everyone killed is a robot-lame. Jar Jar Binks shows up-lame, rest of movie-lame. But then you miss the whole lame ass love part and Anican and all that crap. 2 Jedis can't stop some retarded aliens from waging war on a crappy planet. No, it takes a freaking 8 year old mongoloid to kill all of them. Like, the leader of a whole Gungan race is some drunk fat-ass who sneezes all over the place. And, in the end, when Obi Wan is hanging on to that ledge, that served no purpose. Dart Maul just waits for him to do something??? Why not just throw a light saber in his face? He seriously hits the edge of the pipe, as if he's trying to scare him into dropping. And we are forced to watch the 7 minute pod race in which every single racer explodes. Can they not just make a pod that works? And they tested him to see if he was a Jedi by having him guess if the card had a picture of a cup or a boat on it. What the hell was the point of that? The movie sucked what can I say? And Jar Jar Binks is the stupidest creature in the entire universe...ever! He is so stupid, the other Gungans even say he's too stupid to live with. The Gungans The species that lives in a swamp and fights robots with paint. Not even the special effects were good. One of the leaders of the senate was seriously a giant goat. Darth maul is supposed to be tattooed? It looked like he got up 1/2 an hour early every morning to put on face paint! What an idiot he is! His orders were to kill the Jedi. Not fatally wound one then get cut in half, casually walk over to the big pipe in the floor and fall in. And what was the point of the princess posing as a body guard? So if someone shot at the fake princess, would the real princess take the bullet?

Pogs. (Klaus)

What was the point of those? And who actually took the time to invent pogs? Like they were that bored. Yeah, remember those cool things to store them in? Those pipes? And the spoiled kids had pipes that were like 3 feet tall. But what idiot did invent the game? So one day he's just sitting around, and says "Hey lets put 2 circle pieces of crap on top of each other, drop something heavy on it and see if it flips." Then all of the sudden WHAM! Every kid in America is crying to their dad cause they lost all of their pogs in a high stakes tournament. Then there was that spin-off game "Slammers", which made even less sense. What the hell are you gonna hit those with? Pogs? And pogs were so cool they were like money. You could go to the boardwalk and have 50,000 tickets and get your choice between a Rolex or Ninja Turtle pogs. No question, take the pogs. And soon people got cheap and start making there own pogs out of cardboard. So some toy came out that let you make your own pogs. So every kid would have his ugly face on his very own pog. And then all these cheats came out. Quick ways to just steal others people's pogs without winning them. Like 8 ball and poison. It was weird cause pogs were EVERYWHERE! You could get them at like, church. Who didn't have pogs? I still have mine.

World Championship Wrestling. (Klaus and Gustav)

-Self Explanatory

Transformers. (Klaus)

Like you can't tell that giant talking truck is really a robot. Transformers was so bad. It told kids that anything could be a "robot in disguise" so they were afraid to sit on the pot cause it might come to life and murder them. And they had those toys that were impossible to transform. It just ended up looking like a helicopter with a head for a penis.

Arkansas. (Klaus)

It has to be Arkansas because in that state it's illegal to pronounce it Arkansas, it has to be Arkansaw. That's how stupid they are. They can't just spell it right. No they have to be unique. But it just makes them look like inbreeds. And have you ever met one scientist from Arkansas? NO! because if your from Arkansas, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I might be afraid if someone from Arkansas read this and get mad or offended at me but then I remembered, people from there can't read! I wouldn't be surprised if Arkansas has the highest suicide rate. God that place sucks. I also wouldn't be surprised if it has the lowest rate. I can't imagine those retards trying to commit suicide.

Tony Danza. (Klaus)

Well, I don't really know what Tony Danza does. Is he an actor, is he a comedian? Because he acts about as good as a dead animal. He's about as funny as colon cancer. No wait, colon cancer is way funnier then Tony Danza. And that's not good for either of them. He was on that show Taxi where he played a mental retard along with Danny Devito, Andy Kaufman, and Christopher Lloyd... So it was basically a show about mental retards. Then he was on that show Who's the Boss, where everyone knew that woman was the boss and all the others in the house were her bitches. Especially Tony Danza who was a baseball player/friendly non-gay nanny type figure. And then he was on the granddaddy of all horrible shows. This show was worse then The View, Transformers and the PJ's combined: THE TONY DANZA SHOW. The show was basically about Tony Danza trying to grab some chicks butt. It ran for 4 episodes before it was canceled and Tony Danza was executed in a Mexican prison. Good riddance! AND IF ANY OF YOU LIKE TONY DANZA I HOPE YOU DIE OF COLON CANCER JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH FUNNIER IT IS!

Staind feat. Fred Durst. (Gustav)

Staind. They must have named that after how many people 'staind' in their pants after they heard that garbage on their radio. I mean really, I'm getting sick and tired of bands that have a misspelled name and try to be 'hip with the ages' by making really bad songs. I mean, wasn't that the gimmick in the 80's? And what is with Fred Durst being in that one crappy song? (Yeah, 'the' crappy Staind song. There are too many of them.) It's like he just showed up one day and said "Hey guys, my girlfriend just dumped me and i'm pissed, do you think you could record me yelling"? He just shouted some incoherent thing that they could have trained a retarded chimp to do. Well, I guess that's Fred durst for you. I mean, if I go to a live concert and yell "This is the big F*ckin deal yo!" I sure hope I get featured in the song. And then as if that wasn't good enough, they had to play that song on the radio every 5 minutes because Fred Durst was in it. Although I would be willing to bet that it was some 13 year old, pimply kid that just hit puberty and wanted to try out his new deep voice. I mean, anybody can wear a red backwards hat and make bad music. That had to be the worst musical experience for me since I watched the Singing of the National anthems at the Olympics. Next thing you know, everyone will try to be like him. I'm still waiting for Zimbabwe's anthem to go "Click, click, click, yes, this be the big f*cking deal.... bitch" in broken English while the leader is wearing a backwards blood red stained zebra hide hat.

Mexican National Anthem. (Klaus)

I think it's like 8 minutes long. And that's the fast version. 'Cause if you get some drunk Mexican (Drunk Mexican? YEAH RIGHT!) who thinks he's Rico Suave you can go into an 11 or 12 minute version. I've heard of babies being conceived and born in single playing of the song. This is the reason boxers cringe about fighting Mexicans, they're not racist, or afraid to fight them. They just don't want to die during the national anthem. Can you imagine the guy who wrote this? "Okay I have this 30 seconds of music that doesn't sound like it's all the same song, now I can...uh repeat it, then I'll...PLAY IT AGAIN. After that we will recap what we already have followed with a...repeat! WOW, now this is a national anthem!" But what do you expect from a country with yellow license plates and special "hand-be-gone" firecrackers. It's mexico come on, cut them some slack. They've got chiclets. They've got rolled tacos. You can drink when you are 18. Is a national anthem really that important? I guess not.

Don't believe us? Click HERE to find out why it sucks so much.

#10

'Emo'tional Punk Rock. (Klaus and Gustav)

Gustav: Emo. Remember when I said that listening to the singing of the national anthems was the worst musical experience until I heard staind? Well, Emo pretty much tops my list on musical atrocities. The whole general idea behind it is totally gay. For all of you who don't know what Emo is or means, ill give you a brief description. Emo stands for EMOtional. It is an emotional genre of music. You can't turn on an Emo song and not hear some guy bitch about how much his life sucks. I can understand once in a while, but no, every goddamn song has to be about how this guy's girlfriend dumped him or how that guy's dog just pissed on his new rug. You know what normal people do when their life sucks? They either get over it or they go psycho and kill themselves. Hmm, being Emo or killing yourself. That is a tough one, it truly is. I mean, how could you even like a type of music that purposely depresses oneself. It's quite obvious that Emo is just a passing fad like Pokémon and David Hasslehoff, but I can't wait until this garbage is gone for good. I mean really, I would rather pop the zits off of my dog's ass with my teeth then listen to another song about how Jim's mother just OD'd on heroine and his girl is in the county jail for prostitution.

Klaus: See, I never thought I heard emo. But I did. Except I just thought it was crap rock. Or wuss rock. But like Gustav said, all these whiny little bastards do is bitch about the sun burn they got at the water park. Or their penis being so small they can't get a girlfriend. And what kind of wuss makes a whole genre called emotional. He's basicly saying "All heterosexual musicians please come rape me". Do these people sit in a corner and write about their cat havin' a stomach flew or they got a 90 when they went bowling yesterday. Because these songs are about crap that no one cares about. We don't care if your car makes a funny noise if the air conditioner's off. We don't care if you dropped your walkman and now it skips songs 2,3 and 7. WE DON'T CARE YOU FRIGGIN' PANSIES! GROW UP! You don't even sing about real proublems. You don't see any blind emo singers. Or a singer with one leg. Stevie Wonder doesn't sing about being blind. Why are you pissing your pants because the movie theater was sold out??? If anything, emo writers should write songs about writing crappy emo music...yeah, do that and I'll be impressed.

#11

Pumpkin Trashbags. (Gustav)

My god. I mean seriously. I wish I could have people take a vote on this. Are pumpkin trashbags not the most white trash thing you have ever seen in your life? Really. Who was the guy that came up with this one? He must have not made it big in the industry with his easter egg toilet paper and Santa Clause condoms so he had to settle with these. Why have trashbag pumpkins? Why not regular pumpkins? "Oh, well they smell bad." ... these other things are f*cking TRASHBAGS! YOU FILL THEM WITH TRASH! WHAT THE HELL SMELLS WORSE THEN TRASH??? "Oh, well, you don't have to carve them". That defeats the whole point of the Haloween spirit. Besides, I'm gonna carve the next person I see with one of these. Just, all I want to know is WHY? So remember kids, don't get pumpkin trashbags or I am going to suffocate you with them. An I SWEAR! If I see ONE. Not two, not five, not thirty f'ing seven. ONE, Christmas tree trashbag, Its over...

#12

Osama Bin Laden Parodies. (Klaus)

So, I guess I'll give a little backround. 9-11-2001. A day that changed the course of America forever... A day that made everything that had ever been remotely funny die, because ever since it has somehow been combined with Osama Bin Freaking Laden! Every one thinks they're original. AHAHAHA WE'RE GONNA SHOOT HIM! AHAHAHA, HE LIVES IN THE DESERT! AHAHAHA HE HAS A FUNNY HAT! I saw a milk carton with his picture on it. The caption said "goat milk". That's like have a formula 1 car for the KKK and having the caption say "Race ist". Or a table for people with no legs saying, "HEY, THE TABLE HAS MORE LEGS THEN YOU...4!" The people think they're so smart. I saw a bumber sticker that said "OSAMA BIN LADEN, YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK...GOODBYE!". So now Osama is on a British game show with Reggie the carpet cleaner and Donny the porto potty custodian? NO! THE HOLE FRIGGEN STICKER WAS ONE BIG LIE! ARGH! I HAD MY HOPES UP! I THOUGHT THEY CAUGHT HIM!!!! YOU LIED TO ME BUMPER STICKER! YOU LIED!!!!!!!! Now, I can understand that when you see Osama bin Laden you want to make fun of him. He has a really long beard. It looks like he was eating a raccoon or a badger or something. But taking footage of him and replacing the words with."I EM STOOPID OOSUMA BIM LADLE! I LIKE DIRT AND STUFF, AMERICA IS BAD" That's not so much funny as it is painfull to the scrotum. At least make him do funny things like sing the Oompa Loompa song or put him in a dress and have him fight Bruce Lee. And every flash animation is just him being shot repeatedly. Why don't you have him fall into a volcano or something? You animators are all big and bad on your little iMac. Why don't you go join the army and fight for real? You asses. Now I'm going to go drink my Palomar Mountain spring water....HAHA WATER, OSAMA HAS NONE. I BETTER GO MAKE A 20 MINUTE MOVIE ABOUT IT. AND CALL IT GOOD WILL OSAMA IS WATERLESS.

#13

Mexican Candy. (Klaus and Gustav)

Klaus: Babypoop

Gustav: Amen

#14

Extra Thick Pencils. (Klaus)

Extra thick pencils were desinged to thwart little kids' attempts to look manly. For example I was in 3rd grade and my teacher had a basket full of pencils for the whole class to enjoy. So one day I got it in my head that if none of the pencils could be used no work could be done therefore no homework could be assigned thereby saving St. patricks day and learning the true meaning of Kwanza. So when were all assinged a work sheet I calmly went up and took a pencil from the basket and sat back down at my seat. And then I started breathing real heavy. I snapped the pencil in half then I flexed and proclaimed to be the strongest man alive. Then I took my broken pencil back to the basket and exchanged it for a new one. This pencil was a little dull so I took it to the pencil sharpener, I sharpened it then promptly snapped it in half. Then I put the two pieces back together so it looked like the pencil had not been broken. After that I got the attention of the class and farted on the pencil; and It fell apart. I then proclaimed to have the strongest farts alive. I then got a 3rd pencil from the basket. I took it back to my desk and I used it to bridge the gap between to tables. then I stuck my hand down my pants and made a fist in my groinal area, then with a scream I broke the pencil in half. I then flexed and said if any of the ladies wanted to taste the furry, I would be offering "groin punches" at lunch. At this time my teacher called me over to her desk. She said she had a super special pencil for me. She pulled out a small bag from her desk and from it, she produced an extra thick blue pencil. She said becuase I was so strong I needed a strong pencil. WAS SHE CHALLENGING MY MIGHT?! I took the pencil back to my desk and inspected it. It was about half an inch thick, and every short. I tried brething heavy and breaking it. I tried using my super human farts to destroy it. I even penis punched it a few times with no success. This "pencil" was her secret weapon against my 8 yr old manhood. I'll show her. I took my table and put the pencil under a table leg. Then I grabbed the pencil with two hands and I pulled as hard as I could as I shouted, "NO PENCIL CAN WITHSTAND MY GOD LIKE STRNGTGH. BEG FOR MERCY PENCIL. I'M THE DEVIL AND YOU ARE MY BITCH!!!!!" I snapped the pencil and took it back to my techer and said, "I'm just to strong." I was then sent up to the office on a number of "defiance" acts and I was informed I would be bringing my own school suplies from now on. So yeah, extra thick pencils suck.

#15

France. (Sven and Gustav)

Sven: Ok well I know that at most schools you have three choices for a foreign language: Spanish, German and last and very much least FRENCH. Why would anyone want to take a language in which the masculine form of “the” is “le”?! Now onto Frances great leaders. Well they only really had one, and he really wasn’t all that great. His name? Napoleon Bonaparte. The mighty midget himself. But indeed France’s only halfway decent leader was a freakin’ dwarf. And who’s military is the weakest in the world? That’s right the lame ass European bitch country itself, France! They are always picking fights with other nations and yet every time they do they become “occupied” (which is just a nice way of saying that it’s a nation of pussy-willows). At least their allies are smart enough to never get in a war. But then again their ally is Canada! And did you know there is actually a place where Canadians and the French can coexist? Yes indeedy, and that place contains the worse thing imaginable, A French-Canadian!! AAAGGGHHHHH!! That was a little freaky weird I know but so are the French with their Par-fumes and moldy ass cheese! I mean seriously what the F is up with cheese covered in mold! Hey, Ich Liebe Käse as much as the next guy but mold! No way, not happening. Only a place that thought up Harry Potter would do that.

Gustav: Yeah really, it’s kind of like France doesn’t even try. I mean what the hell is up with all of the giving up? I bet on their currency it says, “In God we Surrender”. I truly believe that every nation has three goals: 1. Get lots of land. 2. Become wealthy. 3. Occupy at least 18% of France. Because let’s look at it. If you haven’t controlled a piece of France at some point in history, you are still a growing nation. Question: What is the difference between attacking France and attacking a wounded rabbit? Answer: The wounded rabbit might fight back and it might possibly have friends.

#16

Yak Baks. (Klaus and Gustav)

Klaus: Man, Yak Baks suck balls. I mean, sure they're great if you need some low quality recording of yourself farting. But other than that they serve no real purpose. Unless you were some fat slob who had no one to talk to and needed to hold a conversation with someone before you forgot how to speak english. Then Yak Baks were a waiste of your 15 bucks. And then they came out with those mega Yak Baks. The ones that could warp your voice. And the commercial for it had some kid recording himself telling his sister to get out of the bathroom. And then he made himself like a manic depressive gorilla. So I guess the point is: only use those things to talk to people in the bathroom. Otherwise they'll just shit their pants on the floor when they think some phsyco who was punched in the throat is coming to kill them. And then there was the kid who made himself sound like a mouse. And he told his teacher somthing in the mouse voice and the fricken mentaly depleted teacher thought it was a real mouse and ran out of the room like some hyperactive kid on LSD. I wish I had a Yak Bak just so I could tell those two clowns that they would both spend the rest of their lives in the retarded classrooms. Tape recording devices in general were made popular in Home Alone 2. When Kevin made his voice slow and deep so he could impersonate his father. I'm sorry, but unless you are Canadian and were in a pretty bad car wreck I doubt that talking with a 3 word for every minute ratio would make you sound like a man who could afford a 5 star hotel run by gay pedophiles and old whores. I mean honestly, did that movie turn you on to the whole tape recording craze just because of what Maculy Culcan did? do you really want to turn out like him?

Gustav: Oh boy, who remembers these? They were those stupid little things that every kid that thought he was James Bond had to have. You simply record your voice, and then press a button so it would say it again. Like it was too hard to just say the thing yourself more than once. Is that really how lazy we are today? "We should only have to say things once. Repeatin' is for machines." And then they had that commercial, where some little kid kept on saying "No" to his sister or something. Like that would really work. I can't think of anyone stupid enough to argue with a machine. And then these things things got so freaking cool all of the sudden. And i'm sure the poor kids that were deproved of a Yak Bak (what a shame) just talked into their answering machine and kept calling themselves. In fact, I could even imagine them using these things in courtrooms. "Well Mr. Smith, I do believe your client said, and I quote", and then he busts out his Yak Bak...

#16

1970's Toys. (Klaus)

Sure, they may be worth a lot of money now, but that's because nearly 99% of them were destroyed the moment the kids realized in the 70's how much that toy sucked shit. First of all, 75% of the toys were Products from the musical suckfest KISS. Of the remaning 25%, lets look at what you have:
1) Stretch Armstrong - I don't know about you, but a guy made entirely out of fat who has no hands and the most homosexual haircut since penis side burns, doesn't sound very fun to me.
2) Slinky - ...a piece of metal...I've seen babies use more elaborate tools to commit suicide.
3) Simon - The leading cause of perfectly normal people being tricked into believing they were retarded. I mean come on, if you can't follow a pattern of 4 lights, your mom was probably a kick boxer while you were still in her womb.

Now let's take the time to look at some of the other, less known toys of the 70's.

Foudini - Okay, I don't know what this thing is supposed to unscramble, but If I found that in my toy chest, I would think it was a) some sort of goblin dildo, b) glow in the dark lipstick for men, or c) a place where my horrible parents hide there drugs. With some sort of monster to scare away dope noses like my 9 year old brother.
Krazy Kopier - As if one deformed Kat wasn't good enough, now you Kan have a much larger and Krazier Kat smelling it's ass.
Lazor - WATCH OUT EVERYONE! IT'S LAZOR! HE'S HERE TO CONFUSE YOU ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY!
Rockem' Sockem' - Here's a toy that teaches kids that the only way to kill time is to punch each other in the face. And you wonder why everyone who was born in the 70's is either dead or in prison.
Frisbee Horseshoes - I don't know about you, but I think it would be more fun to play frisbee with some horse shoes, rather then the other way around.
TV Tennis - Too cheap for Pong, to cool for a table. This, my friends, is why children cry.
Remembrandt - As the box clearly demonstraites, this toy was intended for children who were particularly loud and severly retarded. I'll stick to my minature robot slaves, thank you.