The First Annual Farscape Ramblings Awards!
NATALIE
Hello and welcome to the First Annual Farscape Ramblings Awards!
(Audience applauds)
NATALIE
I'm Natalie, and this is my cohost Larraq. With us always in denial if not in the world of Farscape canon.
LARRAQ
Thank you for inviting me.
NATALIE
No problem. Trust me...
LARRAQ
Before we begin, I have a message for the shippers: "decca."
(A "thud" is heard from the audience.)
NATALIE
And that would be the sound of Kathe swooning. Is there a doctor in the house?
LARRAQ
What house? You had to pile everyone into this abandoned warehouse just so you didn't have to pay rental fees.
NATALIE
Hey, it's not like I'm making any money off this, remember? It's either this or have it in my backyard in winter. At least you wouldn't have had to worry about heat delirium...
LARRAQ
I see your point.
NATALIE
Anyway, we have with us our very first Miss Ramblings Awards!
(Staanz comes into the room, waving and smiling.)
STAANZ
It doesn't get any better than this, baby!
LARRAQ
I'm not going to ask. Shall we begin?
NATALIE
Yep. The first award is for best character.
LARRAQ
And the winner is... Aeryn Sun! Is she here to accept her award?
NATALIE
Unfortunately, Aeryn couldn't be here tonight, seeing as how she's still in her Prowler, trying to get to John and D'Argo. We accept this award on her behalf.
STAANZ
I'll hold onto that.
(Staanz takes the award.)
LARRAQ
The next award is mine. Best guest character.
NATALIE
And it's definitely your award, considering you won! And no, I did not rig the ballot box!
LARRAQ
This is quite an honor.
(Staanz gives Larraq his award)
LARRAQ
I'd like to thank the voters, and my family, which I'm sure we would have learned about if I'd been on more, and my friends, and the crew that got killed along with me. And of course, all the other characters, Aeryn and Crichton and D'Argo...
(Nick the producer flashes the "wrap it up" sign.)
LARRAQ
And my agent who obviously couldn't get me recurring status. Thank you!
(Applause)
NATALIE
Congratulations, hon. And onto the next award, for best quote. And the winner is... Aeryn's speech to Crais from THM, which is way too long for me to say without acting it!
LARRAQ
Who do we give the award to, if Aeryn's not here?
NATALIE
I guess our Miss Ramblings Awards over here will have to send it over to Oz for the writers or something.
STAANZ
It's mine for now.
NATALIE
You throw it into a fire for fuel, and I'll knock you out.
(to Larraq)
Your turn, babe.
LARRAQ
The next award is for... what's the best word for that thing attached to John's face in Jeremiah Crichton. You're kidding me. That's a real category?
NATALIE
It is, but there's not an award for it. Come on, who would accept it? So instead I'm just gonna read off all the clever words used to describe the fur coat on his otherwise gorgeous face.
LARRAQ
Enough with his face, tell us the clever words.
NATALIE
Let's see... Ferret, BurtReynoldstoupee, dead gopher, gerbil, The Thing on John's Face, Robin Williams, dead tribble- which would have been the winner if this was a real award- a Wookiee, tribble on steroids, tribble on crack, baby Ewok, simply 'grotesque', and of course, 'I'm trying to forget this episode.'
LARRAQ
Was it really that bad?
NATALIE
I'm also trying to forget that episode. Your turn.
LARRAQ
The next award is for character you wish would get shot out an airlock. You've been on the shippers list way too long.
NATALIE
Sh, honey.
LARRAQ
And the winner is... Scorpius! And Scorpius is where?
NATALIE
Stalking our heroes, as far as I know.
STAANZ
Then I get it! Do I get to keep one of these? It would probably be worth a lot-
LARRAQ AND NATALIE
No.
NATALIE
So. Next award. Character you'll throw a fit for if they don't come back. And we have a tie! The first winner is Talyn!
LARRAQ
Who is off with Crais somewhere, so he can't accept his award.
NATALIE
We'll give it to him when he comes back. We put up those posters around the Uncharted Territories, he'll be back.
STAANZ
Next award already!
NATALIE
Sh. The other winner is... Stark!
LARRAQ
Wait a microt. How is it neither of those people is me? I'm favorite guest character!
NATALIE
I don't know, I just tally up the votes. And since he's mysteriously not on the show after The Hidden Memory, Stark is here to accept his award!
(Stark comes "onstage" to accept his award.)
STARK
I'd like to thank the Academy, the voters, the writers and producers who made this possible... Thank you all!
LARRAQ
I don't believe this.
STARK
You got your award, I got my award. See? Your award, my award. Your award, my award!
NATALIE
Stark, sweetie, I think it's time to go back to your special memory place and chill.
STARK
Good idea.
(Stark vanishes, with no trace and no explanation.)
NATALIE
I hate when he does that!
LARRAQ
Next is for the funniest moment. The award goes to... D'Argo's interruption in the Flax! Where's D'Argo again?
NATALIE
Unconscious in space. We'll give his award to him later, too.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Get on with it!
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
(suddenly speaking in a British accent)
You mock my pain!
NATALIE
Sheesh, grow some patience, will you? And now the award for most heartbreaking moment. And the award goes to... It's another tie! And both from the same episode! John's "somewhere in the universe" speech is tied with the very last scene of that ep.
LARRAQ
Are you crying?
NATALIE
No. I've just got something in my eye.
(sniff)
Next.
LARRAQ
It's all right, they're all back in the premiere. Unlike me. And of course that human can use my identity all he wants, but I can't actually come back-
NATALIE
It's cool, you've got a huge fan base. See, you won the award! You're a favorite!
LARRAQ
You win.
NATALIE
Wow, you're really bitter, huh?
LARRAQ
It's a real quality show I missed out on, and there are people that hate me because I stabbed the favorite character. Can you blame me?
NATALIE
Well, when you put it that way...
LARRAQ
Next up is for the moment that made the least sense. I don't know, the show's pretty put together.
NATALIE
There are always lapses in logic. Not often, though, luckily.
LARRAQ
And it's another tie. That's the third one!
STAANZ
The viewers know what they like.
LARRAQ
The first one goes to... Where'd Stark go? Him again?
(Stark comes back "onstage")
STARK
I'd give a speech, but those that aren't already bored asleep are bouncing off the walls waiting for the premiere of season two. So I'll just say thank you!
(Stark vanishes again.)
NATALIE
Stop that!
LARRAQ
Anyway, the second one goes to... Why Crais was able to walk loose around Moya and Talyn. Is Crais supposed to accept his award?
NATALIE
He better not show his face here! I'd make a citizen's arrest and then kick his ass.
LARRAQ
With good reason.
STAANZ
Or our big strong Peacekeeper could make the arrest...
NATALIE
What did I tell you about flirting with my man?
STAANZ
Sorry.
NATALIE
Yes, I did forget to put this next category on the ballot for a while. So stab me.
LARRAQ
Why is everyone looking at me?
STAANZ
No reason.
LARRAQ
This award is for the most sweeping change in a character. My character never got a chance to change.
NATALIE
You could have changed clothes. Although then the ER's probably would have been flooded with women and possibly some men who thudded themselves into unconsciousness.
LARRAQ
That's very flattering, thank you.
STAANZ
(impatiently)
So who won?
LARRAQ
Another award for Aeryn, who's not any more here than she was at the beginning of the ceremony. So we again accept it on her behalf.
STAANZ
How am I going to carry all of these out of here?
NATALIE
(ignoring him- er... her)
Next award goes to best scene. And that winner is the kiss from the Flax! Obviously the shippers have spoken!
LARRAQ
And no one here to accept it.
NATALIE
Nope.
LARRAQ
We're down to the las award!
(No sound. Half the audience is asleep, the other half got up and left.)
NATALIE
A couple awards too late, I guess. Jeez, we're not that boring!
LARRAQ
Anyone still awake?
(A single hand goes up.)
NATALIE
The last award goes to... Can I get a drumroll?
LARRAQ AND STAANZ
A what?
NATALIE
Forget it. The winner is Family Ties! And I don't know who to give the award to. We're done.
LARRAQ
Maybe next year we won't put them all to sleep.
STAANZ
I'm sure their possessions would be-
NATALIE
Are you taking Rygel's place now?
STAANZ
I'm still taking their stuff.
(Staanz begins looting the sleeping audience members and taking their boots.)
NATALIE
Hey, Stark, come back!
(Stark comes back "onstage" for a third time, carrying his two awards.)
STARK
Yes?
NATALIE
Open your head. The light should wake them up.
STARK
I feel so used.
NATALIE
Oh, frell it all. While Staanz is playing pickpocket, it's time to race back to my place to set up my tape for the premiere.
(And the three run off into the sunset.)
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