by Natalie Williams
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Farscape. It belongs to Scifi Channel, Jim Henson Productions, Network Nine Australia and a bunch of other people. Sally Jessy Raphael belongs to her, and everyone on her show belongs to themselves. Please, no one sue. PLEASE.
SUMMARY: John makes a return appearance on the Sally show.
ARCHIVING: If you have the first one, feel free to take this.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Major major thank you to Jenny, who suggested a story like this, thereby ending my writer's block! =)
*****
SEGMENT ONE
SALLY: You may remember John from a show we did a while ago called "I'm Pregnant With Another Species' Baby." He's back with us today on a totally unrelated show. In fact, you can forget that show ever happened. Welcome back, John.
JOHN: Thanks, Sally.
SALLY: So you're originally from Earth.
JOHN: Born and raised.
SALLY: And you now live on Moya, which is a pregnant living ship.
JOHN: Yes.
SALLY: Okay, why are you here?
JOHN: It all started when I left Earth to test a theory that could lead to interstellar travel. I got sucked through a wormhole and into the path of a Peacekeeper Prowler. The pilot died-
("Oohs" from the audience.)
JOHN: It was an accident. But his brother is a Peacekeeper captain who is now so bent on revenge that he's chasing us all around the Uncharted Territories.
SALLY: And you want to talk to him. Explain your side of the story.
JOHN: Yeah. I tried before, but last time we almost killed each other. And since this isn't Jerry Springer, I figure this is neutral ground.
SALLY: All right, we'll see what happens. Now we're going to meet the man who’s been chasing you. His name is Captain Bialar Crais. Captain Crais, come on out.
(Crais comes out, and the audience boos. John stands up and moves as Crais sits down.)
SALLY: Why are you standing, John?
JOHN: If I sit down next to him, he's going to try to kill me.
CRAIS: No. I will kill you.
JOHN: See?
SALLY: John, Bialar-
CRAIS: While I am here, you shall address me as Captain Crais.
SALLY: Whatever. John, while you're here, Captain Crais will not kill you. We have security to make sure of that. Sit.
(John goes to his seat, moves the chair across the stage, and sits. Cheers from the audience.)
SALLY: Or you can do that. Now, Captain Crais, I'm sorry for your loss.
CRAIS: As you should be.
SALLY: Excuse me?
CRAIS: You heard me.
(More "oohs" from the audience.)
SALLY: Okay, look, I will deal with you later. But for now, I have a show to do. The death of your brother was an accident.
CRAIS: He needs to be held accountable!
JOHN: You know what? I could have been the one to die in the crash.
CRAIS: Then there would be no problem.
(Boos from the audience.)
CRAIS: You will regret this, audience!
JOHN: Come on, Crais, where's your 'bwahahaha?'
(Crais gets up and runs at John, but security catches him.)
JOHN: Come on, I just want this to be over.
CRAIS: Not until you pay!
SALLY: We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll meet a woman who betrayed her sister in the worst way and wants to ask forgiveness-
(Crais breaks away from the security guys, Pantac-jabs them both, and John takes off running with Crais following. Sally is rubbing her temples.)
SALLY: We'll be right back
(Commercial break)
*****
SEGMENT TWO
(The show comes back, and footage is shown of Crais chasing John around the studio.)
(Cut back to the stage, where Sally is sitting with another guest.)
SALLY: I'd like you to meet Melissa. Now she's got an unusual problem. Melissa, why don't you tell us your story.
MELISSA: Well, Sally, my sister and I have always been close, at least until I started dating her husband.
("Oohs" from the audience.)
SALLY: And how did your sister find out about this?
MELISSA: Well, it all started when-
(John comes running across the stage with Crais following.)
CRAIS: Murderer!
JOHN: Aerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SALLY: Oh, God. Here we go again.
CRAIS: You will pay, I swear it!
JOHN: You said that already!
SALLY: John, didn't you say this *isn't* the Jerry Springer show?
(John hides behind Sally.)
JOHN: I'm thinking this man can not be reasoned with.
CRAIS: I will not reason with a killer!
JOHN: Oh, yeah, you should talk! What about deeming Aeryn irreversibly contaminated, huh? You knew what was going to happen to her. What do you call that, huh? At least what happened to your brother was an accident!
SALLY: Woah, woah, woah, explain this to me.
CRAIS: It's none of your business.
SALLY: (ignoring Crais) John, explain this to me.
JOHN: Aeryn- you remember Aeryn- she knows reason when she hears it. She stood up for me to him about all this, so he had her sentenced to death.
(Boos from the audience.)
CRAIS: That was Peacekeeper procedure! Anyone would have done the same thing.
JOHN: Maybe if she had done something wrong!
SALLY: I could do a whole week of shows on you people.
JOHN: Or you could do a whole year of X-Files episodes on us. Either way.
CRAIS: Come here and face me, Crichton!
JOHN: Are you crazy?
CRAIS: Coward! Hiding behind the host!
JOHN: Yeah, but I'm still breathing.
SALLY: We've got to go to break. Melissa, I'm sorry.
MELISSA: That's okay, this is more interesting. I'll make up with my sister later.
SALLY: We'll be right back. Security!
(Commercial break.)
*****
SEGMENT THREE
(When we cut back to the show, Crais is tied to a chair, and John is sitting across the stage.)
CRAIS: I will get you for this!
SALLY: I'd like to see you try.
(Crowd starts chanting "Sally, Sally...")
SALLY: Now I'd like to start trying to get to the bottom of this. Captain Crais, you have to realize that although John did kill your brother, it was accidental.
CRAIS: Does it look like I care? Untie me!
("Oohs" from the audience.)
JOHN: I'm telling you, he's not going to listen. He won't be happy until he chases me down and kills the hell out of me.
("Boos" from the audience.)
CRAIS: Oh, shut up!
(The audience shuts up.)
SALLY: Is there any way you can forgive John for what happened? Do you think that’s at all possible?
CRAIS: Of course not! He's a barbarian! He killed my brother. I will not forgive him! All I want is to see him dead.
SALLY: You know, I'm beginning to think John may be right. Captain Crais, when was the last time you had a date?
CRAIS: I don't see how that is any of your business!
JOHN: Been a while, huh? That explains a lot...
CRAIS: I will get you for this, Crichton!
JOHN: I still want to hear the 'bwahaha.'
SALLY: Don't egg him on, John. He doesn't need you to. Captain Crais, I think we're going to have to bring you back for a future dating show. We can build it around you, and it may help you a little.
CRAIS: Are you not listening to me? All I want is to kill him!
JOHN: And there lies the problem!
SALLY: We have to take a commercial break, and maybe we can fix this.
(Roll the commercials.)
*****
SEGMENT FOUR
(And we come rocketing back to the show.)
SALLY: We now have our after-care specialist Pat Ferrari with us, to try to diffuse the situation between John and Captain Crais.
(Applause.)
SALLY: I think you have your work cut out for you on this one.
PAT FERRARI: I'm not arguing with you on that. Okay, Captain Crais or whatever you name is, something tells me you have a lot of other issues that you need to resolve first. That could be why you’re so intent on murdering a person who is obviously sorry.
JOHN: That I am.
CRAIS: Why won't you people listen to me! I have no other issues!
PAT FERRARI: And it sounds like you're in quite a bit of denial. You have a lot of anger management problems, and once we work through those, you will be able to resolve this conflict between you two.
CRAIS: I'm going to kill him! That will resolve the conflict, and my anger will be gone!
JOHN: I don't think he's feeling heard.
SALLY: Don't encourage him, remember?
PAT FERRARI: John, I think you have some issues of your own. His backwards opinion of you shouldn't dominate your life.
JOHN: I wouldn't care what he thought if he wasn't chasing me around the Uncharted Territories trying to kill me.
PAT FERRARI: And I will work with him on that. But you have your own problems that you have to deal with before any of this can come to a close. And I don't think anything is quick enough to just deal with in the time we have on this show.
JOHN: Oh, great, therapy. They'll never let me live this down on Moya...
SALLY: So Pat, you'll be working with Captain Crais and John after the show, right?
PAT FERRARI: Yes, I will. On their own separate issues and together.
SALLY: I believe we have a question from the audience.
(Sally goes to an audience member with a question.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, John, whatever happened with you and Aeryn?
(Loud cheers from the audience.)
JOHN: No comment.
SALLY: Is that a good no comment or a bad no comment?
JOHN: It's a no comment because she'd kick my ass if she saw this broadcast on national television.
(Loud cheering, a "woo hoo!" and a "yeah, baby!" from the audience.)
SALLY: Good call. That's our show. If you've got any questions or comments about our guests, please visit our website, sallyjr.com. We'll see you next time.
(Cut to the update announcer.)
ANNOUNCER: After the show, John says that things have not changed much. He is still being chased around the galaxy by Captain Crais, who still wants to kill him. He will not report on his relationship with Aeryn. As for Captain Crais, we will be bringing him back for a future dating game show. If you're wondering about Melissa and her sister Mary, after watching the rest of the show backstage, they realized how silly they looked and have since made up.
(Roll credits.)
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