by Natalie Williams
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Farscape. It belongs to Scifi Channel, Jim Henson Productions, Network Nine Australia and a bunch of other people. Sally Jessy Raphael belongs to her, and everyone on her show belongs to themselves. Please, no one sue. PLEASE.
SUMMARY: The cast of Farscape meets the Sally Jessy Raphael Show.
ARCHIVING: My site. I’ll leave it at that for now...
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Segment one is done for the Pilot fan fiction contest run by StarPaw. Segment two has been in my head after hearing a lot of speculation that I still don’t quite understand but planted itself in my brain anyway.
I apologize profusely to everyone involved with both shows, and it should be noted that I actually *like* the Sally show! (I desperately need new Farscape...)
And btw, I know they wouldn’t actually be able to understand what Aeryn, D’Argo, et al are saying, just work with me here...
THANKS TO: Jenny and Jodie, who are the coolest people for beta-ing this thing for me!!!
*****
SALLY: Now this has to be one of the most bizarre shows we’ve ever done. My first guest is Aeryn. Aeryn, will you please tell us why you’re here.
AERYN: Well, Sally, I just found out that I’m pregnant-
(Audience gasps.)
AERYN: Let me finish. I’m pregnant with a baby that’s not even my species.
(Confused silence.)
SALLY: And what species is the baby?
AERYN: Actually, I really don’t know. It could be part Pilot, part Sebacean, or both...
SALLY: Sebacean?
AERYN: That’s my species.
SALLY: I thought you were human.
AERYN: (offended) No.
SALLY: Coming to us via satellite is the father of this baby, Pilot.
(Pilot shows up on the TV screen. Stunned silence.)
PILOT: Hello, Sally.
(Sally’s jaw drops open.)
AERYN: You've never seen a pilot before?
SALLY: How did this even happen?
PILOT: I would first off like to say that this is not my fault.
(Audience starts booing.)
AERYN: It’s really not!
SALLY: So explain this to us. How are two species even... compatible?
AERYN: You see, Sally, I’m an ex-Peacekeeper traveling the Uncharted Territories with a small band of fugitives, and we found Namtar, who said he could show us all the way home. For a price, the others-
PILOT: Except for John Crichton.
AERYN: Right. They chopped off Pilot’s arm and gave it to Namtar.
(More audience booing.)
PILOT: I’m fine now.
AERYN: Namtar took the DNA from Pilot’s arm and was using it for experiments. So when I went back to find someplace I could call home, he jabbed a needle into my eye and injected me with Pilot’s DNA. I would have been completely transformed into his species, except Crichton helped me.
SALLY: Aeryn, I could do an entire show on you.
PILOT: Wait until you meet everyone else.
SALLY: So you didn’t even-
PILOT: No.
AERYN: Pilot and I have never...
PILOT: Never.
SALLY: I understand there’s someone that doesn’t know about this. You’re involved with someone?
(Audience gasps again.)
AERYN: We’re not exactly involved...
PILOT: That’s not what everyone else thinks.
AERYN: What?
PILOT: The DRD’s talk amongst themselves. You should know that.
SALLY: So you’re not involved, but you want to tell him?
AERYN: He’s... a friend. Maybe. A little. And I think he should know.
SALLY: All right then, let’s welcome John to the show!
(Applause as John comes out and takes a seat next to Aeryn.)
SALLY: Welcome, John.
JOHN: Hi, Sally.
SALLY: Do you know why you’re here?
JOHN: No. I have no idea.
SALLY: Well, Aeryn has something she wants to tell you. Aeryn?
AERYN: John, I thought you should hear it from me before you found out some other way. I’m pregnant-
JOHN: What? But, we... we've never... I mean, we didn't even get out of our clothes in the Flax!
AERYN: Will no one let me finish?
JOHN: I'm letting you finish. I'm a little... curious how this happened.
AERYN: Without you, you mean?
JOHN: Did I say that? Are you going to explain or what?
AERYN: Fine. Because of Namtar’s experiments, I’m now carrying Pilot’s child.
JOHN: Woah! How the frell did that happen?
SALLY: Frell?
JOHN: Yes, frell. Great way to get past the network censors. Aeryn, I repeat, how did that happen?
AERYN: I don’t know, it just did.
JOHN: You barely talk to me, yet you bring me on television to tell me this. I mean, wow. How did- I’d really like to kick Namtar’s ass right about now...
SALLY: Do you have anything to say to Pilot?
JOHN: Hey, how you doing back there?
PILOT: You’re taking this news much better than I expected.
JOHN: I’m trying to be good for the millions of people watching.
AERYN: Millions?
SALLY: You really are taking this well, John.
JOHN: It’s not like there’s anything between me and Aeryn... right?
AERYN: (quickly) Of course not.
JOHN: (quickly) Right. And it’s not their fault. Of course, if it was I’d be kicking Pilot’s ass instead of Namtar’s.
PILOT: And I would understand completely.
SALLY: Are you sure you and Aeryn aren’t together?
JOHN AND AERYN: NO!
SALLY: Aeryn, have you made a decision whether or not you’ll keep the baby?
AERYN: Well, Sebaceans are supposed to keep the bloodline pure, and I don’t even know how it would be possible... And I'd really rather not get into a whole debate about it, so I'm just not going to tell you right now.
JOHN: Yes, let's try to keep this show as PC as possible so no one gets flamed.
AERYN: What are you talking about?
JOHN: Nothing.
SALLY: Well, Aeryn, we’ll have to keep in contact with you for a future show. One more question. John, what species are you?
JOHN: I’m human.
SALLY: And there’s no chance that this baby is yours?
JOHN AND AERYN: NO!
SALLY: All right, we’ll be right back.
(Cut to daytime TV commercial break.)
*****
SEGMENT TWO
(When it comes back, Pilot is still on the TV, and John and Aeryn are gone.)
SALLY: And we’re back. There’s an interesting spin on this next guest. You remember Aeryn and John and Pilot from the last segment? Well, the next guests are their shipmates.
(Audience “oohs.”)
SALLY: And Pilot’s still on the satellite. Don’t tell me you didn’t get someone else pregnant.
PILOT: That’s not why I’m here. As a pilot, I am bonded to Moya, who is your next guest.
SALLY: And who is Moya?
PILOT: The ship.
SALLY: Anthony, who booked these guests?
ANTHONY THE PRODUCER: Our ratings are shooting sky high, though.
SALLY: All right then. At least it’s an interesting interview. So Pilot, tell me about Moya.
PILOT: She is a Leviathan, a living ship. We have a symbiotic relationship.
SALLY: And you’re attached to her.
PILOT: I am bonded to her, yes.
SALLY: And she’s pregnant.
PILOT: Yes.
SALLY: Have you ever considered adding a maternity ward to the ship?
(Audience laughter)
SALLY: So how did Moya get into this... condition?
PILOT: She used to be a Peacekeeper prison ship, and was therefore fitted with one of their birth control devices. It was accidentally removed and when it was...
SALLY: Oops.
PILOT: Pardon me?
SALLY: Who’s the father?
PILOT: We’re not really sure.
(Audience oohs some more. They do a lot of oohing.)
PILOT: But since D’Argo was the one to remove the device, I suppose he would be the closest thing to a father.
SALLY: Okay, let’s meet D’Argo.
(Applause as D’Argo comes out and sits in the chair. The audience stops clapping and stares in shock.)
D’ARGO: What?
SALLY: (to Anthony the producer) Where did you find these people?
ANTHONY THE PRODUCER: I’m in trouble again, right?
SALLY: Always. D’Argo, I have to ask. And you would be what species?
D’ARGO: Luxan.
SALLY: And you fathered this baby?
D’ARGO: No.
SALLY: You didn’t.
PILOT: Technically-
D’ARGO: Not technically. The child is not mine.
(Audience boos, but D’Argo growls at them and shuts them all up.)
SALLY: All right, there is another possibility of who the father is. Let’s welcome Rygel to the show.
(Cheers as Rygel comes out, then a few intermittent claps as the rest of them fall silent. Someone in the crowd screams, “Look, it’s Yoda!”)
RYGEL: You're out of food in your green room.
SALLY: Now Rygel, I understand that you might be the father of Moya’s baby.
RYGEL: What?
(D’Argo starts laughing.)
RYGEL: What is so funny?
(D’Argo just laughs.)
RYGEL: How would you even *think* that I could... How the yotz did you come up with that!
PILOT: I’ve been wondering that myself. As has Moya, actually.
SALLY: There have been rumors.
RYGEL: Oh, frell you all.
(D’Argo’s still laughing. Rygel starts to leave, but a security guy blocks his way.)
RYGEL: I am the dominar of Hyneria, I demand that you let me through!
SALLY: Would either of you be willing to take a paternity test?
RYGEL: Why? I’ve done nothing.
(Crowd starts chanting: “Take the test! Take the test!”)
SALLY: We can do this, right, Pilot?
PILOT: Well, yes, but this really is not necessary-
D’ARGO: I have nothing to prove. But I’ll do it if it means we get off this planet faster.
SALLY: Rygel, you still don’t want to do it?
RYGEL: I’d rather see Durka come back! Oh, wait. No, I’ll take the test.
(Audience hollering.)
SALLY: We luckily have paternity test expert Alan Gelb on hand, and when we come back, we’ll have the results of the test.
(Cut to another commercial. When we come back, D’Argo, Pilot and Rygel are still onstage.)
SALLY: All right, the tests have been done, and please welcome paternity test expert Alan Gelb.
(Applause as Alan Gelb comes onstage.)
SALLY: Now what did you find out from D’Argo and Rygel?
ALAN GELB: Sally, I tested them both. And I’ve come to the conclusion that neither of them are the biological father of Moya's baby.
RYGEL: See? I told you! I’m leaving now.
(Rygel leaves, and the camera follows him. He turns to the camera.)
RYGEL: What the yotz are you looking at! Get away from me!
(Cut back to onstage.)
SALLY: So, Pilot, if it’s not D’Argo, and it’s not Rygel... Who’s the father?
PILOT: It could very well be that Moya is asexual, and could spontaneously reproduce. There may not *need* to be a father.
SALLY: So you have two pregnancies on one ship and no actual father in either one.
D’ARGO: Two? When did that happen?
PILOT: I’ll explain at the break.
SALLY: We’ll be right back.
(Yet another commercial break.)
*****
SEGMENT THREE
(When we come back, D’Argo, John, Aeryn and Pilot are still onstage and audience members are asking questions.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: This is for John and Aeryn. It’s so clear that you’re attracted to each other. Why are you both not involved?
AERYN: Because.
JOHN: Next question, please.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Why did everyone say Rygel was the father of Moya’s baby?
(John starts laughing.)
JOHN: Sparky? You thought Rygel was... (continues to laugh)
PILOT: Moya wishes to assure you all that was never even a possibility.
D’ARGO: Perhaps people just liked the thought. It is an entertaining one.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: So what happened to this Namtar guy? Was he arrested or anything?
AERYN: No, he was returned to his previous form.
JOHN: He was turned back into a lab rat. Literally.
(Silence)
SALLY: All right then. We’re out of time, but we will have you all speak with Pat Ferrari, our after-care specialist.
ZHAAN: (coming out onstage) No need.
SALLY: And who are you?
ZHAAN: Pa’u Zotoh Zhaan. I’m part of this crew.
SALLY: Wow. You’re so blue!
JOHN: Yeah, that was my first thought, too. Glad you could join us, Zhaan.
ZHAAN: I would not miss this. I just wanted to miss the beginning. If there is any after care specializing, I will do it.
SALLY: Okay, sure. We’re out of time, and Anthony, we’re going to have a long talk after the show. If you’ve got any questions about our guests, please visit our website, sallyjr.com. We’ll see you next time.
(Roll credits.)
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