by Corde
Prologue
Yes, children, I have to have a prologue, once upon a
time and all that, because if I don’t then someone
might poke an eye out with a keyboard or something and
sue me. So once upon a time there was a boy named
Crichton, and he flew a little shuttle (that sorta
looked like a dead cow) called Farscape 1. Then one
day he found himself far from home (no, I still don’t
know how, I haven’t seen the premier yet) and in big
trouble. But the amazing Aeryn Sun came to his rescue
(then and about a billion times since then, is anyone
surprised?), and saved his hide, because he’s cute.
However, in doing so, noble Aeryn put herself in
danger, and she was trapped on a really big ship
(which just happened to be alive) with a bunch of
other people, and they were all lost in the Uncharted
Territories (which was kind of a good thing, because
Crichton had made an enemy). So there was D’Argo, and
Zhaan, and Rygel, and Chia Pet, and Pilot, and Moya.
And a bunch of DRDs.
Chapter 1
It was a normal day on Moya. Aeryn and Crichton were
tinkering with their respective ships in the cargo
bay, trying not to act like they were flirting with
each other. Zhaan was naked. D’Argo was moody. Chia
Pet was annoying. Rygel was eating. Just a typical
day.
Then someone blinked into existence on the Terrace. A
tallish man, with rumpled brown hair and a red and
black suit. His name was a letter. The letter P! (dun
dun dun)
No wait, I’m wrong, it was…
The letter Q! (dun dun dun)
He smiled. Then things began to get interesting.
Zhaan and Crichton were listening to D’Argo jam on his
neat purple instrument. Crichton kept thinking he had
heard the tune before, but didn’t say anything until
D’Argo started singing, “Well I try and try to forget
you, girl, but it’s just so hard to do, and I can’t
take you doin’ that thing you do…” Zhaan screamed and
ran.
Aeryn was trying to look up star charts in Seattle,
er, Command (oh don’t start that again) when she came
across an odd message. “My love is like a red red
rose…” it began. Aeryn looked in shock at the address
line of the message. To Moya from Pilot! Aeryn shook
her head and deleted it quickly.
Crichton was wandering the ship aimlessly (well
actually he was looking for Aeryn, but he would never
admit it) when he passed Rygel’s quarters. The
hynerian was hovering in his little chair in front of
the mirror, saying, “Who’s the prettiest Dominar
around? It’s me! It’s me! BUWAHAHA!” Crichton’s eyes
widened and he walked quickly past.
Pilot’s voice came over the comm. “Peacekeeper ship
approaching. It’s too close. We won’t be able to
starburst away. Sorry.” He didn't sound sorry.
“Frell,” grumbled Aeryn, “that’s the fourth time this
weekan.”
Crais and his henchmen came sweeping down the
corridor. Aeryn prepared herself to fight, glad that
at least Crichton wasn’t hanging around to get in
trouble. But Crais surprised her. He went down on one
knee in front of her, and looked up at her angelically
as his henchmen turned on a tape player and began to
sing. “He loves you yeah, yeah, yeah, he loves you
yeah, yeah, yeah,” Aeryn screamed and ran.
While she was screaming and running, she passed Zhaan,
who was screaming and running the other way. They
stopped and caught their breaths. “D’Argo… singing…”
Zhaan panted.
“Crais… singing…” Aeryn panted. They looked at each
other in horror and began running again.
Aeryn ran to the cargo bay, where she thought she’d be
safe. Nope. Crichton was there. He began to hover.
“Hey Aeryn. How ya doin’? Can I polish your pulse
rifle for ya? Shine your boots? Wash your PK uniform?
Press your civvies? Brush your hair? Get you a pair of
Calvins? Huh? Huh? Can I?” Aeryn sighed, glad he
wasn’t trying to sing. Then she punched him out and
started running again.
Right into Crais. “My dear,” he said very seriously,
“If the nightingales sang as sweet as you, they’d sing
much sweeter than they do…” Aeryn punched him out and
ran.
She passed D’Argo chasing Zhaan, still singing. “Thank
heaven… for little girls… for little girls get bigger
every day… thank heaven… for little girls… they grow
up in the most delightful ways…” He seemed to have a
very strange accent… Zhaan stopped in the middle of
the corridor.
“I’ve had enough!” She yelled. Then she began to sing.
“These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just
what they’ll do! And one of these days these boots are
gonna walk all over you!”
D’Argo pouted. “Stop, in the name of love! Before you
break my heart, think I o-o-ver… think it o-o-ver…”
Zhaan shook her head. “The best things in life are
free, but that don’t mean a think to me, I want money.
That’s what I want.” Aeryn shook her head and kept
running.
Aeryn ran to the Terrace. She saw the man, who just
happened to be standing there, and walked up to him
and punched him. He went down for the count. She stood
on his chest until he came to. “Hey,” he wheezed when
he regained consciousness, “You can’t do that, I’m Q!”
“I don’t care if you’re A E I O U and sometimes Y,
stop whatever it is you’re doing RIGHT NOW. Gods! I’m
so sick of all this bad singing! And what’s up with
the love letters?”
The man under her boots began to whine, “Aww, I was
just having a little fun. Hormones and all. You know…”
Aeryn stared at him. “Then why didn’t it affect me?”
The man blinked. “Because you’re Aeryn,” he said as if
that explained everything (which it did).
“Oh yeah. I forget sometimes. Now cut it out.”
The man glowered at her. “Fine.” He waved his hand.
Everything was back to normal.
“Good,” Aeryn said, getting off his chest. “Now if I
ever see you on Moya again, I’ll kick your butt. Got
it?”
“Yeah,” the man muttered as he blinked out of
existence.
With that settled, Aeryn walked back to Command to
finish looking up those pesky star charts. On the way,
she saw Crais wandering around singing “The Crais
Song,” but decided to ignore him. With luck, maybe
he’d trip over Crichton.
THE END
Chapter 2
“Wow,” said Aeryn, “even that Resnick rip-off was
better than this dren.”
“Thank you so very much,” Corde replied sarcastically.
“Why can’t you write another one like the first one?
It wasn’t too bad,” said Aeryn.
“The style wasn’t too bad,” agreed Corde. “The
language was atrocious. If my English teacher ever saw
me use the phrase “in an odd fashion,” she’d skin me
alive.”
“I thought that was the point,” said Aeryn with a
raised eyebrow.
“It was. But it was still atrocious.”
“Better than this one.”
“You have a point. Let’s ask the Shippers if they can
help. Shippers? Wanna give me a hand on this?” Corde
asked the list in general.
“I can fix it,” said Anthony (who was really Bongo
pretending to be Anthony, shh, don’t tell).
“Really? Please do,” said Aeryn.
THE END
“You call that a fix?” asked Aeryn.
“No, I call it an end,” said Anthony.
“That’s the lousiest…
THE END
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