by Penny
Summary: The title pretty much covers that plus a slight spoiler for A Human Reaction
Rating: PG
Archive: I would be totally delighted if you wanted to, just ask.
Feedback: Always appreciated (read that as craved), send to Psychowife427@aol.com.
Disclaimer: The characters and concept of Farscape is owned by The Jim Henson Company (and bless them for it) and probably the Sci-Fi Channel as well. This is a work of fan fiction and done out of love for the show.
There will be no monetary gain. Although based on an episode of the show the idea for this story remains my own.
*****
It had taken Zhaan some little time to find John. She had been seeking him since realizing, to her chagrin, that she had no idea as to his location after he had left Aeryn's side when she had fallen into a fitful sleep. John had sat vigil by Aeryn from the time that she had lay unconscious after the surgery necessitated by the severe wound that had almost pierced her heart
until she awakened. He then continued to sit quietly watching her for arns. When Aeryn's eyes had closed, Crichton had disappeared. He had taken off his comm badge and it was only after Pilot told her that he was not in the Leviathan that she had determined that he was on the terrace. She saw him from the entrance. He had discarded his black and red Peacekeeper jacket somewhere and was wearing only the black pants and gray undershirt. He was sitting on the deck, knees drawn up and head down. How small he looked against the back drop of the star field, she thought, how very small and very alone.
"John," she said softly as she walked toward him. "You should come eat."
John didn't raise his head. "I'm not hungry."
Zhaan tilted her head in concern and looked at him closely. He looked...tired. Perhaps he was not well. "Are you experiencing lingering physical aftereffects of your viral infection? That was not suppose to be a
post-infection symptom but your physiology is...."
John raised his head and stopped her. "No, Zhaan, I am not experiencing any physical aftereffects of the virus."
Zhaan was not satisfied with his denial. "If not physical then perhaps mental or..."
John exploded to his feet. "I'm fine, OK!" he said harshly. "I just, I just...oh, damn. Listen I'm sorry. I just need a little time by myself to think," he said contritely.
Zhaan suddenly understood and gazed at the human with compassion. "You judge yourself too harshly."
"Yeah, well, since this whole frellin' mess was my fault, I don't think I can judge myself too harshly." He sighed quietly and turned away from her . "I just wanted to avoid anyone getting killed or hurt. I thought Moya could pretend to be a Peacekeeper vessel. The Marauder would land. We'd help fix the cesium leak in her engine. The Marauder would leave. We'd all still be free and alive. We wouldn't have to kill anyone and we might get a little bit of information on the Peacekeeper presence in the uncharted territories
to boot. A simple, straight forward little plan." His voice got harder. "Instead, a deadly psycho-virus was almost unleashed on this quadrant, all the Peacekeepers are dead, two because of me, and Aeryn almost," he stopped. It was so hard to say the words. He cleared his throat and finished, "And Aeryn almost died. It was because of me, my plan, my fault, my little charade!" He emphasized the last word with the arrogance and accent that he had used while pretending to be Moya's captain.
Zhaan reached out to touch his arm, to soothe him. "John, Larraq was the viral host. You could not let him escape and spawn. It was sad that he had to die to kill the virus but there was really no choice and as for the Peacekeeper physician, you can not hold your self to blame for the actions taken while you were infected."
"Yeah, well, I'm sure that's a great comfort to Hassan. Why don't I go down to our make shift morgue and apologize. I could say something like, gee, I'm
really sorry I killed you but I had a really BAD cold and wasn't feeling like myself."
Zhaan shook her head, "We are still free, we are all alive and you stopped the virus from spreading. Even if your original plan had flaws, your intentions were good."
"Well, you know what they say the road to hell is paved with," he retorted. He saw her slight confusion at his last statement. He really wasn't up to explaining. "Zhaan," he said quietly, "I just need some time to sort things through in my head. Why don't you go on back in and let me mope in peace."
"If that is what you wish, John, but please remember that if you decide you need to talk with someone that I am here for you." She turned to leave.
John shifted on his feet indecisively and then raced to stepped in front of her. "I don't remember anything that happened while I was infected. If I said or did anything to you, I am truly sorry."
"Do not worry yourself about that John, you didn't."
*****
Zhaan walked slowly back to the infirmary. John's anger at himself and his sorrow radiated from him like a fever. She made it only a few corridors when she found herself confronted by D'argo.
"Did you find Crichton?"
"Yes, he wants to mop the terrace. Apparently that will help him sort out his thoughts."
"Grr, ridiculous human nonsense, I will go and make him stop and come inside. Aeryn is now awake and I think that she wishes to see him."
"Did she say so?"
"Of course not, she just stares at the doorway as if she is waiting for someone to come through it."
Zhaan nodded thoughtfully. "Crichton is not in the mood for company but that is exactly what he needs. He is blaming himself for Aeryn's injury and the deaths of the Peacekeepers."
"Better he should blame Rygel and that little Nebari thief."
Zhaan choose to ignore the comment. She wanted to believe that the greedy pair had learned their lessons and she did not want to debate the subject with the Luxan. "He is not listening to reason. Since it was his plan to pretend that Moya was a Peacekeeper vessel, he is assuming full responsibility for everything that happened subsequently."
"I will go and shake some sense into him."
"D'argo?" She paused, if sympathy did not help John perhaps more direct measures would. "Do not shake him too hard."
*****
"Crichton!" D'argo bellowed as he entered the terrace. He saw the human standing next to the forcefield that separated the terrace from space. The human merely glanced at him and then turned back to his study of the stars.
"What is it, D'argo? Zhaan couldn't jolly me out of my funk so she sent in the second string."
"Crichton, do not speak your English. I am in no mood to try to decipher your strange human sayings," D'argo said gruffly.
"Well, big guy, I'm in no mood for company so why don't you just turn your sorry self around and go back the way you came."
The Luxan huffed himself up indignantly. "I am not your enemy, Crichton."
The human tilted his head back to look up at the stars. The patterns were all strange, all reminders that he was a long way from home and totally alone
except for the few comrades with whom he shared the living ship; comrades, allies, friends. He shouldn't foist his problems off on them. Afterall, they had trusted him and he had failed them, not the other way around. He sighed loudly in defeat, turned and held his palms outward in a gesture of peace. At least he hoped it was considered a gesture of peace in this part
of the galaxy. "I'm sorry. I seem to be saying that a lot today. It's just that I need to be alone for a while to think about what happened."
"The time for thinking is before the battle not after it has been won."
"You were against my plan from the beginning. Do you really think that we won anything today, D'argo?"
"We are alive and we are free. We destroyed an enemy. We kept a potentially horrible weapon out of Peacekeeper control. We now know that we must be extra vigilant for there are secret Peacekeeper bases in the territories. Yes, I believe that we won." He paused and almost reluctantly added, "Your plan was the correct way to handle the situation with the Commandos. I am a warrior and prefer to meet a threat head on but I will admit that subterfuge has its place."
"My plan almost got Aeryn killed and even more cruelly it forced her to remember all that she has lost because of me. Her home, her life, her chance at a normal life, what ever that might be for a Peacekeeper, among her own people. I didn't even consider how that might hurt her and I should have, especially after my experience with the false earth."
"Yes, Crichton, I am sure it would have been much easier for her to have immediately killed the Peacekeeper Commandos from ambush the way that I wanted to do it." D'argo placed his hands on his hips to suggest that it was time to end this human nonsense. "Sometimes there are no good options, only less bad ones."
Crichton shrugged his shoulders and gave the Luxan a half smile. "Don't I know it."
"Now, are you finished mopping the terrace or must I pick you up and shake some sense into you."
Crichton shook his head and laughed ruefully. "Yeah, I think I've put my mop away, for now."
"Good," D'argo said decisively. "There are repairs to be made and a patient to be cared for or did your short time as a Sebacean Peacekeeper Captain make you too good for the labors of we lesser life forms?"
"I've hung up the jacket, Big Guy. From now on I'm like the rest of you peons and just work here."
D'argo nodded, pleased with the answer even though he wasn't quite certain what it meant. There was one more thing he wanted to say, something that he should have said to the human after Acquara. "Before we return to the others," he paused to be certain of his words, he was not use to offering comfort, "although I have not said it before, I know that you try hard to fit in and find your place on Moya."
"There is do or do not but there is no try, young Jedi. There is no try," John said softly and mostly to himself. Taking a deep breath and rotating his neck to relax the muscles, he forced his best smile. "I appreciate you saying that, D'argo." He started walking to the terrace exit, the Luxan falling into step beside him. "Well, let's go tote that barge and lift that bale."
D'argo lifted his eyes in exasperation. "Those things are not aboard the Leviathan, Crichton, but there is an injured comrade who needs fed so that she can regain her strength."
"I think I've just been volunteered to play nurse." Crichton laughed slightly. "Well, they say that the fastest way to a former Peacekeepers heart is through the stomach."
D'argo huffed slightly, "Perhaps you should have told Larraq that, then he would not have used a dagger."
Feedback
Back to Penny's page