by Susan C.
Spoilers for A Bug's Life and PK Teck Girl.
PG
You know who owns the stuff and unfortunately it ain't me. All I got is what's new here and the actual words.
Archiving: Please ask first.
*****
Aeryn was not about to lie in that bed one moment longer than was absolutely necessary – which was why John found her on the command deck during her regularly scheduled duty shift. He stopped in the doorway, debating with himself, again, about whether or not to talk to her. It would likely be months before any of them trusted him again. Hell, he didn’t even trust himself. His "plan" had been a fiasco. But he didn’t know which bothered him more – having to start from scratch in the trust department or Aeryn’s coolness since that incident. John sighed as he gathered his
courage. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Aeryn heard him approach. Actually she had sensed that she was being watched and assumed it was Crichton. He was bound to come and try to talk to her sooner or later. She steeled herself for the encounter.
"Hey," he greeted, as always.
Aeryn tried to stay focused on the readouts on the board in front of her. "Hey."
John pretended to examine data on the station next to hers. No matter how many times he went through it in his head, he could never find the right way to broach the subject. Maybe he didn’t really want to know. Yeah, but want and need are two different things.
Aeryn wasn’t about to start the conversation herself; she didn’t even want to have it, even though she knew it was inevitable. So she let him stew.
"I’m sorry," he finally said.
Aeryn had not been expecting that. "For what?"
"For almost getting you killed."
Aeryn looked at the viewscreen. "Crichton, that is one thing for which I do not have you to blame. I can blame Rygel and Chiana for that."
"Hhmmph! Maybe, but it was my miserable plan that created the whole situation."
"Yes. Your plan…." Aeryn paused searching for the word that Crichton would use.
"Sucked," he finished.
Aeryn smiled in sympathy. "Yes, it definitely ‘sucked’."
John got quiet. He just couldn’t keep out the sight of that Peacekeeper scientist – the one he had killed. John glanced down at his hands. He felt like Lady MacBeth, never able to wash away the stain.
Aeryn seemed to sense the direction of his thoughts. "Chiana was right. It wasn’t you."
"It was my body, Aeryn. That…thing…that virus could not have killed her without my body to do the deed."
"You had no control over it. If you had, Lt. Hassan would not be dead. You are not a killer, John."
John did not respond. He wasn’t sure he really believed that anymore. But he sure as hell hated himself for what he had unwillingly been a part of. And it made him wonder what he would kill for.
"Look," Aeryn interjected, "Your plan did not work, but we all agreed with it. We could not have anticipated that intellant virus or what it would do." Aeryn paused for a moment, making a decision. "Larrak told me that their orders were to take the virus back alive so it could be studied, tamed, used to….A cloud of that virus released among an enemy army…in a few arns, the enemy army would be working for you."
John looked at her incredulously. "Biological warfare?! The Peacekeepers wanted to use that thing as a weapon?!"
Aeryn nodded.
"Unbelievable!"
Now it was Aeryn’s turn to be quiet. John gazed at her as she gazed out the viewport. "Those commandos make you homesick?" he asked softly.
"Yes," she replied, even more softly.
"Maybe someday…"
"No," she interrupted. "Never. But it was nice to think so for a moment."
It wasn’t the first time that John felt guilty for urging her to go with them; but she would have died otherwise, he kept reminding himself. Sometimes, in moments like these, he wondered if they were right to accuse him of being to blame for every bad thing that happened. Of course, he knew that wasn’t the case and that most of his mistakes were honest ones. But still…. He had certainly done his fair share of hurting Aeryn. The way she had looked at him after they’d realized that the virus had killed the Peacekeeper while it was in his body…. It cut him to the core.
It was only natural that Aeryn would feel homesick after being with those Peacekeepers – commandos, exactly what she would have been by now if her life hadn’t been derailed by becoming entangled with his. She had spent a great deal of time with them, especially with the Peacekeeper captain. John studied her profile and remembered her words when he’d told her that the knife had missed her heart: "closer than you think". That would explain it, he thought. The virus had said he liked her. So here we are again, back to the initial question.
"You really liked him, didn’t you? Larrak, I mean?"
There it was, the question she had been dreading. She had been avoiding even thinking about how to answer Crichton. As if their relationship wasn’t complicated enough…. But he deserved an answer, an honest answer. Suddenly she smiled sardonically.
"Haven’t you ever just clicked with someone?"
John was nonplussed for a moment. "Yeah," he admitted
self-consciously, remembering when he had asked her that same question, only to discover that Aeryn had found him interesting.
Aeryn turned and smiled briefly at him then.
John continued. "You meet someone who shares your interests."
"A similar background."
"The same species," John added with a roll of his eyes.
"Someone who accepts you the way you are," she responded soberly.
Gilina had done just that with him. Aeryn’s words made him realize that he had not always accepted her as she was, not really. As much as it bothered him for everyone to disparage his humanity, he had never realized that he was doing the same thing to Aeryn. He was repeatedly making snide comments about her Peacekeeper heritage. John shook his head at his own shortsightedness.
He made his way to Aeryn’s side and gently took her arm. "I’m sorry," he told her earnestly. "I’ve been hassling you about being a Peacekeeper instead of just accepting you."
"You’ve been more accepting than the others," she told him.
"That doesn’t mean I haven’t been a jerk from time to time."
"A jerk?"
"An idiot, a louse, a fool…"
Aeryn put her hand over his mouth to stop the incessant flow of synonyms. After an uncomfortable moment of emotional candor, Aeryn abruptly removed her hand.
"Apology accepted," she told him, as she returned her attention to the console.
Like a terrier with a chew toy, John refused to let it go. "Have I totally blown it?"
"Blown what?"
"You. I thought we were…getting somewhere."
Aeryn sighed. She honestly didn’t know. All her training led her one way. Her heart, until recently, was leading her in exactly the opposite direction. Now, she was simply floundering. "John, I…we…you…"
John cut her off. "That’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I understand."
"Then I wish you’d explain it to me," she said in frustration.
Realizing that he had misunderstood her confusion for an unconditional rebuff, John sidled closer. "I told you I’d never leave you, Aeryn. But if you decide you want me to, just tell me."
John turned to leave the command deck. Aeryn called after him.
"Your plan sucked, but the uniform suited you."
John couldn’t help but grin at the compliment. It emboldened him and he turned back to face her. "I did pretty well with the accent, too, don’t you think?"
Aeryn cast him a disparaging glance. "That requires a great deal more work."
"Will you help me work on it? In case I need it again?"
"Perhaps," she told him teasingly.
"I’ll make you a deal. I won’t hold being a Peacekeeper against you if you don’t hold being human against me."
Aeryn smiled back. "I like a challenge."
John’s smile remained as he strutted out the door. Aeryn turned back to the task John had interrupted, her eyes still dancing with mirth.
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