by Corde
I know I said I wasn’t gonna write tonight (my head
really is killing me, I’m so glad I don’t have
migraines very often), but I had to. I kept having
thoughts, and they were too good not to write about,
but I knew they wouldn’t be there tomorrow. Plus
Anthony gave me a lot of really good ideas. So I
wrote. Man, my head really hurts. Am I repeating
myself? Oh well, it’s 3:30, and this is kinda what it
must be like to be drunk. But I didn’t have any
alcohol. Is it possible to become inebriated by
association? And can one be inebriated if one can use
that word? And can one have a second personality if
one is worried that they do? Or are you only crazy if
you think you’re sane? (This is the point where Aeryn
tells me to shut up.)
*****
Chapter 1
It was one o’clock in the morning. Corde thought that
she was being very sneaky.
“And where have you been? Aeryn asked loudly.
Corde winced. “Ow. Not so loud, please. My head
hurts.”
Aeryn glared. “So where were you?”
“I worked until nine, and then I went to Orb’s party.
I didn’t think I’d be out so late.”
Aeryn sniffed. Her eyes narrowed. “And have you been
drinking?”
Corde laughed, and then winced as her headache got
worse. “Ow. No, I can’t hold alcohol, you know that.”
True statement. Corde had once had a capful of root
beer schnapps mixed with ginger ale and had fallen
asleep in minutes.
Aeryn raised an eyebrow. “So why do you look drunk?”
Corde just looked at her. “This, my dear, is not
drunk. It is not hung over. It is not high. It is
merely me when I’m with my friends.”
Aeryn stared in wonder. “You have friends?”
“Har de har har. Yes, I have friends. They just don’t
like me very much.”
Aeryn snorted. “With friends like that, who needs
enemies?”
“Quite,” Corde replied, as she stared at Aeryn
pointedly.
Aeryn ignored the stare. “So if you’re not drunk or
high, what’s wrong with you?”
Corde sighed. “Did you know that Dr. Pepper has
caffeine in it?”
Aeryn blinked. “Yes, of course.”
Corde shouted, “WHY am I the ONLY one who didn’t KNOW
that?”
“You drank some? Gee, Corde, that was smart,
considering you’re allergic to it. Why didn’t you just
smoke a cigarette while you were at it?” Aeryn said
sarcastically.
Corde groaned. “I can’t believe this. Some people are
allergic to peanut butter or strawberries. I’m
allergic to vices! Can’t smoke, can’t drink, can’t
even have CAFFEINE for Ava’s sake… what happens if I’m
allergic to sex as well?”
Crichton giggled.
“Hey,” Aeryn snapped. “Let’s keep it PG13.”
“Right,” Corde sighed. “At least I’m not allergic to
tobacco, alcohol, caffeine AND strawberries and peanut
butter. That would just be very unfun.”
“ ‘Unfun’? This is a word? ‘Unfun’? Is that like that
girl said on the radio, ‘I couldn’t be more happier’?
Sheesh. English isn’t even my first language and I can
use it better than you people,” complained Aeryn.
“Oh, I know,” said Corde. “I can’t stand bad grammar.
Like when people write ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re.’
That makes me so mad, I have gotten used to writing
‘you’re,’ so now sometimes I write ‘you’re’ when I
really mean ‘your.’”
“Corde?”
“Yes Aeryn?”
“Shut up. You’re babbling.”
“Thank you.”
Chapter 2
“…Delia had had a shot of gin at ten, so at midnight
when she was supposed to be home, Perry drove her
home, and Dite and I followed in Dite’s car, then Dite
drove me home and took herself and Perry back to the
party,” Corde explained. “That’s why I didn’t get home
until 1.”
“Did Orb like her present, at least?”
“Oh yeah. She wore it the rest of the night. I gave
her the bracelet I got in New York, and a box of
chocolate. She didn’t wear that. And then we all
danced to Led Zeppelin. Well, Delia danced to Led
Zeppelin. The rest of us laughed. She was just a
little spiffed.”
“A shot of gin? Yeah, that’s a little spiffed.”
“Not for most of them. They all drink like fish. It’s
kind of sad, really. I feel so left out.”
“No you don’t.”
“No, you’re right, I don’t. I don’t like the taste of
alcohol anyway. And I don’t like what it does to me.”
Aeryn snickered. “Yeah, Orb was telling me about the
first time you drank. Half a glass of Grasshopper
drowned in Pepsi. She said you were falling down the
stairs.”
“I would have fallen down the stairs anyway,” Corde
protested. “They’re really narrow. And besides, I
don’t remember that part.”
“That’s because you blacked out. That’s not a good
sign.”
“I KNOW! That’s why I didn’t drink tonight.”
“… And had caffeine instead and have a headache now.
Yeah, good choice,” said Aeryn.
“Shut up,” Corde mumbled. “Gods! How long does it take
for Advil to kick in?”
“Quite a while, considering you haven’t taken any,”
Aeryn said dryly.
“Oh,” said Corde. “That explains a lot,” and she went
off in search of Advil.
Chapter 3
The Enforcer sauntered in, acting like the brat that
she is. Corde whipped out her AK-47 and shot her
seventy-three times in the head.
Chapter 4
“What the frell was THAT?” asked Aeryn.
Corde spat and muttered with a southern accent, “She
needed killin’.”
“I believe that’s a valid defense in parts of
Kentucky, but since we aren’t in Kentucky, you mind
telling me what that was?”
Corde sighed. “She’s on the Amazon list I’m on. She
was being a brat. Actually she was being something
else, but I’d like to keep this PG13, so I’ll just say
brat. I’m not in the mood to deal with her, so Anthony
suggested I put her in a fic and kill her. It made me
feel better.”
“That’s all well and good,” Aeryn said. “But who’s
gonna clean up the blood? And don’t even look at me,
Miss Shoot-First-and-Ask-Questions-Later. I’ll get you
a mop.”
Corde looked in disgust at the bloody mass on the
floor. Then she cheered up. “It was worth it,” she
said. “I’ve been wanting to do that for months.” Aeryn
came back with the mop and Corde set to work cleaning
up the late Enforcer.
Chapter 5
“At least your chapters are getting better,” remarked
Aeryn. “They have definite themes and endpoints.”
“Aww, you mean I’m starting to write better? Shoot,
I’m gonna have to work on that,” said Corde.
“Now if you would just work on the subject matter…”
Aeryn began.
Corde shot her a warning glare. “Don’t go there,” she
advised. “You don’t wanna go anywhere near there. Like
the list says, this is me delving into the far reaches
of my psyche. Thanks for that phrase, by the way,
Natalie, was it? Or Cristin or Rachel… I forget.
Sorry. But thanks, whoever it was.”
Aeryn gave her a ‘Corde-you-psycho’ look. “Whatever
you say.”
Corde said, “And now, before we ride into the sunset a
la Rachel, I’d like to leave you with a quote, a la
Rayne. ‘Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.’
That’s a good one. I bet Xena followed that advice.
That goes along with Cristin’s Middle Ages quote,
sorta. So now everyone is having quotes, and I still
don’t have one. Maybe I should…”
“Corde,” Aeryn interrupted.
“Yes, Aeryn?”
“Shut up.”
THE END
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