by Corde
Okay people, I have succeeded in scaring myself. I
think that I have actually developed another
personality and called her Aeryn. She yells at me a
lot. Anyway, this was supposed to be the Wonderland
fic, but I didn’t bother to do any research, so it
kinda sucks. I also set a new record for number of
times I say the word, “sucks.” Because this fic sucks.
*****
Prologue
Once upon a time there was a scientist named Alice
Crichton. He was very embarrassed by his first name,
so he changed it to John. One day he was napping under
an apple tree, hoping to rediscover gravity, when he
followed a little gray/green muppet into a rabbit
hole. And then the fun began…
Chapter 1
The muppet was floating in a chair, waving a scepter
and asserting, “I am Rygel XVI, dominar of six hundred
billion people. I don’t need to talk to you!” over and
over. Crichton stared at him in scientific bafflement,
and then followed him into the rabbit hole. It may be
noted that regular rabbit holes are quite a bit too
small for humans, but just go with it.
Upon entering the rabbit hole, Crichton was surprised
to find a small room with a regular-looking end table.
On it were two foodcubes; one was labeled “EAT ME” and
the other labeled “NO, EAT ME FIRST.” Crichton ignored
them both and walked through the door. Yes, I know I
didn’t mention the door before, I forgot, okay?
Crichton wandered past a mock-turtle and a bunch of
shrimps, because I haven’t read “Alice in Wonderland”
in a long time, and I wouldn’t know how to properly
Farscapeize that scene. He went straight to the Tea
Party.
At this point, Corde realized she should have read
“Alice in Wonderland” before she started to write this
spoof, but she was too lazy to go find her copy and
skim it. Also, she didn’t have a topic for her
fic-of-the-day, and decided she could “use rhetoric to
obscure the lack of topic,” as Jake would say. That
was for the Animorph fans out there. Corde just read
#10 and was quite amused by Marco as the narrator.
So Crichton stumbled onto a tea party in the middle of
the woods and sat down. There was a very blue woman
with a large hat on, eating tea and drinking crumpets.
There was also a strange-looking man with tentacles
and big brown furry bunny ears. Hey, we have to have
some way of telling who they are, don’t we? The Mad
Hatter and the March Hare. Don’t you people know your
Wonderland? Sheesh. Anyway, there was also a Pilot in
a teapot, who recited a little poem.
Twinkle twinkle little ship,
When we're on you, it's a trip.
Out in space it is so dark,
Like the inside of a shark.
Twinkle twinkle little ship,
When we ride you it's a trip.
Seeing that no one was going to stop him, he went on
to the second verse.
Twinkle, twinkle Moya dear,
With luxan blood and human fear.
A few kisses, lots of luck
Maybe later, just one f—
Corde cut in. “Let’s keep it PG13, shall we?”
So the Mad Hatter and the Hare (Zhaan and D’Argo,
remember?) were having a grand old time, and then
Crichton decided he had had enough of the party and
left. He was wandering in the woods when he heard a
disembodied voice singing something really awful.
(Didn’t the cat sing or something? I forget.) Then he
saw a really bad hairdo, floating in midair. Soon the
rest of Chia’s body materialized. See? She’s being the
Cheshire Cat. Oh pipe down, you didn’t write it so I
get my way.
He kept walking and soon ran across two familiar
figures. It looked just like the Mad Hatter and the
March Hare, but actually it was Tweedledum and
Tweedlereallydum. See, D’Argo and Zhaan have to double
up here, because there aren’t enough people. And I’m
not even doing all of them.
Then he walked some more, and came upon a croquet
field. Crais was there, dressed in a pretty red dress
and singing “The Crais Song.” His henchmen were
scattered around the field, making sure his croquet
ball went through at least one hoop each time. He
looked up when Crichton walked onto the field, and
shouted, “Off with his head! By the way, who’s the
prettiest Red Queen around?” His henchmen all cried,
“It’s you! It’s you!” Crichton took the hint and ran
away.
He ran for a very long time, until he ran into a very
large mushroom. The muppet was sitting on it, smoking
and waving his scepter. “Whooooooo…. Arrrrrrrrre….
Youuuuuuuuu…?” he asked. Then went on, “Oh, don’t
bother telling me. I don’t really care. Go away.”
Crichton went.
He woke up some time later, still under the apple
tree, but with a large bruise on his head and an apple
on the ground next to him. “Wow,” he said. “I must
have gotten bonked on the head by an apple, passed out
and had a strange dream.”
THE END
Chapter 2
“I am continually impressed, Corde,” said Aeryn.
“Every time I think you can’t possibly write anything
stupider, you write more.”
“Gee, thanks,” said Corde grumpily. “Glad you liked
it.”
“It sucked.”
“Um…. Anthony told me to do it.”
“Oh he DID, did he?” Aeryn glared warningly at
Anthony.
Who wasn’t there. “You forgot what happened the last
time I used him,” said Corde. “He put me in one of his
fics, and it wasn’t pretty.”
“Oh yeah,” said Aeryn. “Never mind then.” They sat in
silence.
“So…” said Corde, desperately looking for some sort of
topic. “If you were a vegetable, what kind of
vegetable would you be?”
“Eggplant,” Aeryn replied absently. Then she did a
doubletake. “What did I just say?”
Corde giggled. Aeryn glared. Corde decided to change
the topic. She started singing to herself. “Twinkle,
twinkle, little ship…”
Aeryn said in a voice full of pure venom, “If you even
think about singing the second verse, I’ll rip your
throat out and hogtie you with it.”
“Would it even be long enough?” Corde asked just for
the macabre value of the question.
Aeryn grinned ferally. “I’d MAKE it long enough.”
Corde shrugged and sang Christmas carols to herself.
“Why are you in such a bad mood, Aeryn?” Corde asked
idly after Aeryn had been stonily ignoring her for
several minutes.
“You’re the author, you tell me,” Aeryn snapped.
“Is it because I didn’t put you in the Wonderland
fic?”
“Gods no! I would have had to shoot myself if you
had.”
“Is it because this fic sucks?”
“That’s part of it…”
“Is it because you are part of my personality, and in
talking to you I am actually talking to myself?”
“That sounds about right.”
Corde considered this. “So what am I mad at myself
about?”
“Is it because this fic sucks?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s probably it. Hey, thanks for finding
my problem for me, Aeryn!”
“No problem,” said Aeryn. “That’s what fictional
characters are for. That and moral discussions.”
“Right,” said Corde. They looked at each other and
laughed, then walked into the sunset.
THE END
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