The Cloister, outside Fell
"John!" Zhaan burst into the chamber, or came as close as he’d ever seen the Delvian come to ‘bursting’ into anywhere. She had been walking swiftly and seemed flushed—as flushed as her dappled blue skin permitted.
"Yeah, Zhaan. What is it?" Crichton turned his gaze from the window and looked over his shoulder. "Are they done purifying her yet?"
"Yes," the former Pa’u replied with an air of suppressed excitement. "John, there might be a way to help Aeryn."
"How?"
She paused for a moment to catch her breath and then half smiled. "I’m sorry, John. Let me collect my thoughts."
Crichton waited impatiently until she began to speak. Boy, he would be glad when she took up her priesthood again! He missed the calm peace that she had worn like a mantle before her run-in with Maldis, before Tahleen and the New Moon of Delvia. At least he’d known what to expect from her then.
"I have spoken with some of the other Sebaceans here," she began. "They explained the Dream of Endless Light to me."
"Right. So did Steppan. He wasn’t very helpful, though. He said they don’t have a cure because they don’t want a cure. He—" Crichton took a deep breath. "He told me that unless she wakes up on her own, she’s gonna die."
"Not necessarily, John." Zhaan smiled at him. "There is a chance, albeit a small one. But it is a chance nonetheless."
"What do you mean?" A tiny flicker of hope sprang to life.
"As you probably know," she began, "all the Sebaceans remaining in the Cloister are survivors of the Dream." He nodded. "Each of them had a very powerful reason to return—to wake from the Dream. For some it was their dedication to service—"
Crichton interrupted, "Yeah, Steppan said that was why he came back."
Zhaan nodded. "Yes, but others returned because of something else that drew them more powerfully than the Dream—especially loved ones."
Crichton was shaking his head. "I don’t understand."
"It’s very simple, John. You are Aeryn’s friend, and you will have to convince her to come back."
"What? How?" He was royally confused now.
"After having spoken with some of the others, I think I might be able to assist in this, but there is danger for you."
"Wait—back up a minute. What are you talking about?"
"I think I can send you into the Dream so you can talk to Aeryn, convince her to come back."
"What?" Worse and worse. Crichton shook his head in confusion. "No, no way. No way are you sending me into that-that—are you crazy? Even if your hocus-pocus worked, you think she’d listen to me? Haven’t you noticed? Aeryn and I haven’t exactly been bosom buddies lately."
Zhaan merely blinked at him patiently; Crichton thought he saw a glint of knowing in her pale eyes. "You are the only one who can do this, John. Aeryn trusts you. You share a special bond with her. Perhaps it is greater than you realize. If you look inside yourself, examine your heart, John, and you will know that what I say is true."
She wouldn’t say that if she’d been paying attention to how Aeryn’s been treating me lately. But…if I don’t try something, she’ll die anyway…I can’t just sit by and let that happen!
Despite his misgivings, he knew Zhaan was right. It was up to him. The question was, could he do it? How?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Purification Baths
Crichton was still mulling it over as he underwent the ritual purification in the hot springs below the mountain that the Cloister was built against. It was required of all who Dreamed and Zhaan had thought it would be better and more practical for him to do it while still conscious since the Sebaceans would insist on it once she’d put him under, and she wasn’t sure if they could afford the time.
John laughed to himself. Great. Just great. Zhaan doesn’t know if she can put me in the Dream, she doesn’t know if she can get me out, and she doesn’t know how much time I’ll have before it’s irreversible. This is one hell of a plan!
The rattlers were on the move in his belly, coiling on themselves, knotting and unknotting. He wasn’t ashamed to say that he was scared by all this—pretty damned scared in fact. The whole proposition was one big ‘if.’ So what if he got stuck in the damned Dream—Big deal, he thought with a sardonic smile. At least I’ll die happy.
Actually that was part of his concern. If Zhaan somehow managed to inject him into this happy-happy-joy-joy-land, then how was he supposed to get out? She wasn’t sure if she could bring him out, so she’d warned him that he might have to do it himself—and how exactly am I supposed to do that, hmmm? Besides, he reflected, with all the crap that had been going on in his life, he might just want to stay in Joyland. His time on Acquara had given him a healthy taste for the good life—the kind that didn’t involve being hunted by insane Peackeeper captains and getting jumped by just about every other hostile life form in this neck of the woods. This Dream of Endless Light sounded like the ultimate fantasyland trip, and he didn’t know that he might welcome it…
"John?"
He woke from his reverie and looked up. Zhaan bent down toward him with an armload of fabric.
" I didn’t think you wanted the others in here with you, John. I’ve brought you these." Her beautiful luminous smile touched her eyes as she met his gaze. She laid the pile on the floor near him and straightened.
"Thanks, Zhaan." He slid down into the pool, submerging his head, and rose dripping. He slicked his wet hair back and shook the water from his eyes.
Zhaan gave him one of her amused once-overs and then smiled almost flirtatiously. "I’ll be back in a few moments to take you to Aeryn."
He nodded his response and waited until she had disappeared beyond the door before he heaved himself out of the sunken pool and onto the smooth flagstones. Steam still rose from the herb-strewn water as he left it. Quickly he rubbed himself dry and donned the white robe she had left him. Vainly he looked for undergarments or a cord to cinch the loose formless garment around his waist, but they seemed to be lacking.
He was folding the towels when Zhaan peered around the door. Their eyes met and John dropped everything and moved to follow her. On bare feet he padded after the Delvian through the warm corridors of the Cloister, until they found Steppan waiting for them outside an arched door. He looked Crichton up and down before turning his attention to Zhaan.
"You should not interfere with the Dreamer. You realize that this is an affront to us."
Zhaan was entirely unruffled by his hostility. "We are sorry, Steppan, but we must help our friend. She would not thank us to allow her needless death."
Steppan bristled. "Your efforts will be futile, Delvian."
She smiled serenely at the Sebacean. "Perhaps so, Steppan. But we must try. Our friend’s life hangs in the balance, and we will not let her die without at least trying. Surely you cannot fault us our attempt."
Easy for her to say, Crichton thought. She wasn’t the one going under. But he suppressed the rest of that thought. He was doing this for Aeryn, and that was more important than his apprehension.
Zhaan was opening the door for him into another long narrow room lined with windows on one side. The room was flooded with warm light that was dazzling within the white-walled chamber. Low frame beds were against the right hand wall, one beneath each window. John’s eyes fell upon Aeryn’s still figure laying on one of them at the far side of the room.
She looked almost child-like as she lay there, pale and motionless. He was amazed at how innocent and girlish she appeared with her long dark hair curling around her sleeping face and her thin shoulders. Her arms lay at her sides and bare feet emerged from beneath the voluminous white robe that swathed her from throat to ankle.
John went to her bedside and looked down at her with a strange expression. It was hard to see her like this—she looked so helpless; he couldn’t imagine this beautiful young woman as a fierce soldier with a pulse rifle. He took her hand gently in one of his and noted the slow rise and fall of her chest while his eyes roved over her sleeping body. This isn’t Aeryn, it can’t be. Boy would she hate it if she could see herself now.
"Are you ready, John?" He looked up to see the Delvian female hovering beside him. He ducked his head and glanced at Aeryn’s slack face once more. He gently squeezed her hand and then lay it back at her side before he rose from her bedside. Following Zhaan’s gesture, he moved around Aeryn’s bed to the one close beside it…Zhaan moved to sit at the head of the bed, her legs crossed comfortably as she leaned back against the wall behind her. The suns shone in through the window over her head, bathing her in light. She placed a thick roll of fabric across her lap and waved him nearer.
"Lay down, John, and place your head in my lap." Obediently, John followed her instructions and tried not to feel too creeped out by the whole thing.
Well, this was it—Zhaan was going to work her hocus pocus and if she succeeded he might never wake up again. He found himself staring intently at the corners and angles of the ceiling and the shadows thrown against the opposite wall. He might never see them again. He took a deep breath and memorized how it felt to feel the air fill his lungs and then he slowly let it out.
"Good," Zhaan said, as she gently laid her cool fingertips against his temples, enfolding his head between her two silver-ringed hands. "Close your eyes, John, and continue to breathe slowly and deeply. It will help me to guide you into the Dream."
Okay…in…and…out…He tried to quiet his mind, as though he was entering a meditative state…in…and…out…He really hoped this worked…in…and…out…When he woke up, he wanted to look into Aeryn’s eyes and see her smile, just once…in…and…out…
He wanted Aeryn to live…
…In…and…Out…
He felt a tingling in his extremities and—
…In…and…Out…
—he felt lightheaded, and there was a swooping sensation in the pit of his stomach—
…In…and…Out…
—like he was flying…
…In…and…Out…
…he wanted Aeryn…getting harder…to…think…
…Aeryn…
…In…and…Out…
…Was it working…?
…he thought…maybe…it was…
He felt like he’d never get there before he realized that he was already there. Or at least it felt like he was there. He was somewhere. Slowly he turned around in an attempt to get his bearings, and then he realized how pleasant it was to simply spin slowly and watch the white world turn around him. Mirth bubbled up, and he suddenly felt like laughing for the sheer pleasure of it.
But a small incredibly annoying voice spoke to him through the brightness and the warmth, cutting through the incredible sense of well-being that infused him like pulses of euphoria. Aeryn. He was supposed to find Aeryn. He couldn’t remember what he was supposed to do when he found her, but he knew he had to find her soon..
It was becoming difficult to think...he didn’t want to make the effort. Not when he felt this good. He struggled to maintain his sense of self amidst this white light. He had to force himself to focus on his mission without succumbing to the pulsating warmth that surrounded and penetrated him.
"Aeryn!" he heard himself call out, and then he attempted to move forward. Suddenly he was floating and laughing and crying all at the same time. Man, this was totally psychedelic. "Aeryn…"
*****
Peace…she floated in a warm womb-like sea of peace and security. The soft chimes surrounded her as did the glowing light that filled her, warmed her, like a perfect benediction. She felt cradled in the seductive caress of contentedness.
Then she heard something in the distance. It was hard to hear, she didn’t want to listen to anything but the melodic, hypnotic sound of soft breeze-blown chimes. But the sound persisted, penetrating even her efforts to block it out. She heard the sounds, but her mind had difficulty interpreting them. She didn’t want to be disturbed in her floating bliss. But the sounds invaded her solitude…
" Aeryn! Where are you?" The voice was partly anxious, partly playful. "Come out, come out, where ever you are!"
The voice was familiar, but she couldn’t place it yet. She’d heard it before, in another life. Her mind shied away from facing any life but the one that wrapped her in comfort at that moment. She didn’t want to think or remember. She just wanted to be.
"Come on, Aeryn! You can’t still be mad at me! I need to talk to you now—it’s important. Please, Aeryn, hurry up and tell me where you are—I’m losing my mind in here..."
A strange feeling struck through her serenity. Confusion. Puzzlement.
"Aeryn, I know you’re in here somewhere. They told me to find you here, so I know you’re here. I’m gonna find you whether you want me to or not. You can’t hide forever."
Oh! That was too much! She felt her mantle of peace unraveling as the voice continued. SHUT UP! she wanted to scream…I am so happy without you. Leave me alone.
The voice was babbling, and she could felt her euphoria shrink in its wake. Then, recognition bloomed through the layers of light that bound her. Memory ignited. But it was too hard to think. She didn’t want to. It became harder still to formulate and sustain a thought. She heard herself try to speak, but her voice felt unfamiliar, as though it was someone else trying to talk.
"J-John?"
The voice changed drastically—a combination of fear and relief…"Aeryn?"
"John?"
"Aeryn! Is that you?" Was it her imagination, or did she hear anxiety in that disembodied voice?
"…I…think…so…"
"Where are you? I can’t see you." A hint of desperation.
It was a struggle to think, even harder to respond. "I’m here," she said finally.
"Where?" His voice was close and quiet now. She didn’t want to open her eyes, didn’t want to perforate the thin membrane that held her in this safe womb.
"…here…"
And then she felt the lightest caress, a presence surround her and enfold her. "Aeryn?" His voice was so near it was inside her, around her. A part of her wanted to recoil from the intimacy. Another part of her reached out for the pure sensation. She did not answer him; she could not.
"Aeryn, listen to me. I have something very important to tell you."
No…she would not listen to him…she only wanted to float within the gentle tides of this womb…but she felt a gentle pressure growing on her awareness, forcing her attention back to the voice.
"You are in great danger," he said. No, she laughed to herself, I feel fine! I feel wonderful…
"Your body is dying," she heard him say. So? She didn’t need a body here…she had everything she needed here in this place. It was a good place.
"Come back, Aeryn." The voice was quietly insistent.
No…
"We need you, Aeryn. We’re waiting for you…Zhaan, D’Argo, Pilot, Rygel…"
No…
"Please, Aeryn…come back. I—" she thought she detected hesitation, apprehension. "I don’t want to lose you…I don’t want you to die." She felt the pressure increase around her uncomfortably, and she felt a sudden stab of something—what? Regret?
"I...don’t know...if I can...don’t know...if I want to..."
She struggled then, fighting the urge to succumb further, and she opened her eyes. The light was too bright, blinding, but this time she did not turn away. She wanted to see him one last time...
She felt herself turning, rotating, searching through the brightness. "John, where are you? I can’t...see you..."
"I’m right here." At first she felt rather than saw him, but then he seemed to materialize before her eyes, directly in front of her.
"John..."
"Aeryn, you can’t stay here..."
"But...I want to..."
"Yeah. I know. But you can’t stay here. If you do, you will die!"
She winced at the force of his words—they knifed through her warm protective bubble which burst with tremendous force, and suddenly she was flung backwards, outwards, into an explosion of light—
The both cried out as a storm of wind and lighting raged around them and they fell against one another, their selves briefly merging. Aeryn reeled as a powerful blow struck her, but somehow she managed to remain conscious. She was holding onto something with a fierce grip, and she had the overwhelming feeling that if she let go she would be swept away by the maelstrom that whirled about them.
"Aeryn!" She heard John cry out to her, and she clung tighter, reaching out to his voice.
"Aeryn, I don’t think I have much time left...I’m not supposed to be here, and I think it’s generating instability or something..."
The storm abruptly died away and with it, Aeryn felt a sudden massive wrench and the sensation of falling. She held on as tight as she could...
*****
...and suddenly they were floating free—the winds died away and the light no longer blinded—it was warm and gentle.
"Oh, wow..." she heard John say, with a delicious laugh. In fact she felt that laugh as though it had bubbled up inside her.
"John?" He heard her say, her voice a mixture of confusion and consternation.
"Yeah, Aeryn, I’m here..." She felt his voice surround her.
"What’s happening?" John heard her voice, so subdued from the Aeryn he knew—she sounded so...vulnerable. He felt her confusion as though it was his own.
"I’m not sure," he said, "...but somehow...it reminds me of Delvian Unity...what little I remember of it, anyway."
She felt his surprise and tension, but also his sudden euphoria. It did feel very, very good. But she shied away from those strong emotions, afraid of being pulled in.…
"I know you want to stay," he said quietly. There was an upwelling of deep sorrow between them, and he felt her tears in his own eyes.
"John—" she groped for him with her free hand. "I don’t …think...I...can leave!" she sobbed...somewhere inside a stern voice scolded her furiously for succumbing to this weakness, but she ignored it. "I’ve never been so...happy...in my life. I feel so safe...here, and.…protected...I’ve never known I could feel like this...how can I leave?"
Her words tore into him. She’d had a hard life, but it was one she’d been taught to love. This must be so overwhelming for her—well, he could feel how overwhelmed she was as though they were his own feelings. He realized it was becoming more and more difficult to think, enveloped as they were in one another. The nearness of her and her emotions made it difficult for him to separate his thoughts from hers.
"Aeryn," he began urgently. "We have to leave this place. This is dangerous for both of us. Our bodies are dying..."
"John," she said suddenly, matching his urgency. "Why are you here? How did you come to this place?"
There was a pause. "I came to bring you out, Aeryn. You can’t stay here. I can’t stay here. I don’t think this is what’s meant for you. I believe you have a future waiting for you and you won’t find it in this place. This is a dream, Aeryn—a very beautiful," she heard the longing in his voice, "—and powerful dream, but this isn’t life."
There was finality in his words, and she felt the truth in them...but she didn’t want to believe him, she didn’t want to go back. It was so peaceful in here and there was no loneliness, no fear or regret—only joy. The stern voice inside her was screaming at her for being a failure, and she wanted to ignore it—but then she realized that if she stayed in this place, and her body died, maybe she was a failure, for wanting to remain in this cocoon, instead of living and facing her fears and making choices and becoming more than she was today...
Crichton felt her choose, between death and life, between mindless bliss and a never-ending adventure that held the potential for both happiness and suffering. The instant of her choice sent a very strong stomach-churning shock through him and he had to fight to steady himself.
"Aeryn?"
There was no response. A sudden blast of something came out of nowhere and struck him with the force of a hurricane. Their separation was agonizingly painful, sending waves of excruciating agony through every nerve ending. And then he was free...and empty...and alone...
In darkness.
*****
Conclusion