by Natalie Williams
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Farscape. They belong to a whole bunch of people who are not me. I mean no harm, I come in peace.
ARCHIVING: My site, and if Jill Dannay, Dani Royer, Laura Folden or April at the Farscape Zone want it, go ahead and take. Everyone else, ask me first.
SUMMARY: Aeryn’s thoughts as John goes through some stuff.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: I’m sorry about this.
*****
Ten minutes.
He said he would be home in ten minutes. To the store and back, it would take no time at all.
He never made it there.
Aeryn could remember him telling her several times about how he’d been in some kind of accident. Frell, she had seen him in quite a few over the years. He had almost seemed invincible; no matter how rough it seemed, he always made it out all right.
She wanted to be able to ask someone for an update on her husband’s condition, but that wasn’t possible. Even if they were able to understand her, common language hadn’t helped John’s father get any information. She
hated not knowing.
They couldn’t be with him. He was in isolation, something called intensive care. But they sat outside, able to look through the windows at John lying unconscious in the hospital bed twenty feet away, past the glass, hooked up to so many tubes and machines he almost didn’t look like John.
She didn’t know how long they had been there. A few arns, at least. It was silent, except for the occasional cough, of the rustle of fabric against the
padded chairs when someone moved. Even JR, usually bouncing off the walls, sat quietly in the chair next to his mother, his small hands folded neatly in his lap. He understood that something was wrong, even if he didn’t know what.
How did she explain this to him? How did you tell a five-year-old that his father might not live long enough to even say goodbye?
That was the first time Aeryn had been allowed herself to think that. Jack was still listed as next of kin, meaning he had been the first notified of the accident, and it was Jack who had told her. Ever since then, she had been forcing herself to think positively, for JR’s sake more than her own. She wished she could have left him at home, but he wouldn’t stand for it, and he would not back down. Not a surprise- look at his parents.
She was scared. They had been on Earth for half a cycle now. She was still a stranger, just as much as her son- although he had the advantage of being able to speak the language instead of simply understand it. She didn’t know the culture here, or anything about the planet. John had taken pride in being able to show her things about his world for once, instead of the other
way around. And as much as Aeryn hated this, she was almost helpless here without him. She didn’t want to be without him. If John died-
Aeryn blinked back the sudden rush of tears that threatened to fall, determined not to fall apart. Not now. Not in front of JR. She had to be strong. John had once told her that being strong seemed to be an inborn talent with her. At times like this she had to wonder if he was right.
She turned to JR, who was beginning to fall asleep, eyelids drooping heavily over his light blue eyes. She hadn’t even realized how late it was- long past his bedtime. “Can we go home soon?” he asked in a quiet, tired voice.
“Soon,” she said. Earlier Jack had offered to take him home for a while. He knew Aeryn wasn’t budging, and he was right.
“Can we bring Daddy home, too?”
She hadn’t been expecting that one. She quickly glanced over at Jack in the seat next to her, and knew that he had heard it, too. “We’ll see,” Aeryn said, once again fighting down the lump in her throat.
Aeryn put an arm around him, almost as if she was holding onto him for dear life. He was just as much as part of John as he was of her. It was as if she was trying to hold onto John through him, though she knew that wasn’t going to work.
She felt Jack take her hand, and she turned to him. “It’ll be okay, Aeryn,” he said. “It will.”
He was trying to make himself believe it, she knew that. She simply nodded, and they fell back into silence.
It was another several arns before it all fell apart.
There was a voice over a speaker, something unintelligible, and then a small army of people in white coats, running into John’s room. She and Jack both stood, trying to get someone’s attention.
No one stopped to answer, just continued into the room and gathered around John’s bed. Leaving a still-sleeping JR with his grandfather, Aeryn slipped into the room, watching the scene from the door, knowing better than to interfere.
Humans believe- at least some do- that there’s this bright light, and you end up somewhere else, along with family, friends, relatives...
There was a constant, irritating beeping noise, and then the electric sound as two hand-held panels were pushed hard down onto John’s bare chest.
Maybe I wasn’t supposed to die that time.
Aeryn didn’t bother holding back the tears anymore, letting them fall freely down her cheeks as they repeated the process again and again.
Ten minutes. I’ll be back. I promise.
She wasn’t aware of much besides that noise, that beep. It cut into her like a knife wound to the heart, knowing that noise meant her husband was going to die.
I’d never leave you.
She stood there long after they gave up. The white-clad humans walked out of the room past her, but Aeryn stood. For a long time she stared at John’s lifeless body as the last one in the room finally pulled the plug on the machine, stopping the incessant beep.
Alone with him, Aeryn quickly wiped at her eyes, as if not wanting to let him see her cry as she slowly made her way to his side.
He looked like he was asleep. If she hadn’t known better, she would believe that was all- he was sleeping. But there was no movement, no breath, no
heartbeat, no brain activity...
“John,” she whispered, her voice choking. “Please...”
Aeryn took his hand. It was still warm. “Don't leave us,” she said, barely getting the words out past the tears. “Don’t leave me. I need you, John.”
She almost expected an answer. She expected him to open those clear blue eyes, and send her his little smile, and tell her she was overreacting.
He didn't move.
No. No, this could not be happening. He said he would never leave her. He wouldn’t give up on his promise. He would never strand her here like this. He would not leave JR, when he might not grow up with anything but fuzzy memories of his father. He would never do that to him.
She wanted him to squeeze her hand back. She wanted him to live.
She couldn’t do this to herself. John was dead. She was only hurting herself more trying to deny it. “John,” she murmured. “I love you, John. Always.”
Aeryn reached out with her other hand, running her fingers over the skin of his face, trying to commit his features to memory. She knew she wouldn’t forget him, but she wanted to make sure.
“Always,” she repeated, and lightly pressed her lips to his one last time.
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