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Like clockwork, Aeryn's eyes fluttered open at the same time they always did.  Years of training had conditioned her to wake at the same time every morning, no matter how much sleep she had gotten.  She stared at the wall in front of her for a moment, then sighed.  A dream, she told herself.  Just a horrible dream.  With another sigh, she rolled to her back.

She gazed wordlessly at the ceiling, not really seeing it.  Of course it was just a dream, it always was.  The same dream she had had almost every night for over a cycle.  Since that day in the marketplace.

The dream had started that first night.  Exhausted, she had finally collapsed on her bed, still dressed in the clothes stained with Crichton's blood.  In the dream, she told John she always slept soundly.  That was a lie.  She had dreamed before - Sebaceans dreamed, but Peacekeepers were trained not to dwell on them.  And she never had, until now.  In the dream, Crichton had believed her, giving her the perfect out.  The perfect way to forget; to pretend it hadn't happened.  She had taken it, of course, and for a few hours that night, she was happy again.

But the happiness only lasted until she woke the next morning.  It had taken her a moment to realize their conversation had actually been the dream. Then reality had come crashing down, bringing with it guilt and an incredible sense of loss.  John was dead.  After that first night, it had been days before she slept again; months before she had slept even one full night without the dream.  Without him.

She looked around the room.  Crichton's room.  His bed, his things.  She had taken to spending hours there.  A weeken or so... after... she had given up and simply moved in permanently.  Being there was both comforting and painful.

Just like the dream.

She was happy in the dream - for a few hours, she could be with Crichton again.  In the dream, she was no longer lonely.  But, inevitably, she always woke up.  That was the price she had to pay.  Sometimes she wondered if the pleasure was worth the pain.

Then there were times when she suddenly realized she couldn't visualize the details of his face, or remember the exact timber of his voice.  Could she actually be forgetting him?  He had made her promise that, while he lay dying in her arms.  He had asked her to never forget him, and she had promised both John and herself that she wouldn't.  But when those moments came, as they did more and more frequently now, she worried that his memory was fading away.  That thought always filled her with a sense of dread, of failure.  She would not forget him.

In the dream, her memory of him was crisp and clear.  It was like he was real.  Every detail, every nuance of his being was there for her to study. The light in his eyes when he teased her, and that ridiculous quirk of a smile.  The quiet strength in his hands when they gripped hers.  The way he said her name.  She could memorize everything again, and the fear subsided. But the sorrow endured.

Sometimes she wondered if the dream was the only thing that kept her going; kept her sane.  She tried to keep busy, which was easy on Moya.  There were always the challenges of maintaining the living ship and the search for her crewmates' homeworlds.  She had Chiana to keep out of trouble, and now that Jothee was with them, he took up a lot of her time and energy.  But it wasn't the same.  Nothing had been the same since John Crichton died.

Aeryn rolled back towards the wall.  Maybe if she closed her eyes again, she could go back to the dream.  Just for a little while.  Reality could wait a few more hours today.

"Aeryn, are you awake?  We need you in Command."  Zhaan's voice was gentle. She knew about the dream and the problems Aeryn had sleeping, so it must be something important for Zhaan to disturb her at this time of the morning.

Aeryn sighed and swung her legs over the side of the bed.  She found the comm and told Zhaan she was on her way.  Exchanging John's t-shirt and Calvins for her own vest and pants, she stood and looked around the room once more.

"I'll see you tonight, John," she whispered.  Turning, she opened the door, facing reality for one more day.

*****

All I Have to Do is Dream
by The Everly Brothers

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream
When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream

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