**In my dreams I'm dying all the time**

I hate those words...I really do. I mean, someone can't be dying all the time. Isn't that impossible? Or maybe we really are dying all the time, ever since we were born. Some of us die and keep living, like Angel. Some of us just die, like Doyle.

Some of us never really lived, I suppose.

Like me.

It's cold out here on the fire escape. I lit this cigarette. I'm not a smoker, right? It's just soothing, after tonight. That night...it was fucking hell. I'll never let that happen again.

Never.

    **As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind**

Angel got us a client in some deep trouble. I mean, there was everything wrong with this case I could think of: jealous boyfriend who happened to work for that creepy law firm, a full moon and a wolfy Oz to rescue, Wesley and Kate and I being hostages...

Didn't I mention that part? It's why my wrists hurt, why my body aches, why I'm sitting out here in the cold trying to let the coolness freeze my brain so it'll stop working. I think too much. I mean, this whole night was strange and twisted and...forget about it. I want to forget about it.

Is that a bad thing?

    **I never meant to hurt you     I never meant to lie**

Never meant to hurt me...Angel never meant to hurt me. I have to remember that. I have to remember that the two inch gash on my arm was from a wolfed out Oz, that the bruises around my waist are from that psychotic lawyer, that Angel just did what he thought the client needed done...and that Angel never meant for any of us to get hurt.

We were supposed to be hostages that Angel, posing as Angelus, was going to turn over to the firm. Wolfram and Hart, or something like that. And then when they showed up, we were supposed to let them think they had us, and then Kate could arrest them.

It didn't work out like that, though. That lawyer saw his ex-girlfriend and went berserk. He'd brought Oz as part of the bargain...in exchange for us, we got Oz back. And then, stupid idiot he was, he tried to sick Oz on his ex.

That would be Kate.

    **So this is good-bye     This is goodbye**

She put up a really good fight. I mean, she got out of there with only a few scratches and a broken bone or two. Wesley didn't as well...I think he's out of the hospital by now.

But...it was when you know happened...you know? Why'd you do it? I mean, why? I was going to die...maybe that was for the best. But you saved me. Again. You saved me and Angel and Kate and even Wesley.

You're still my hero.

    **Tell the truth you never wanted me

No, that's not the truth. The truth is...I don't know. I'm glad you saved me, on one hand. I can see you now, and so can Angel. But it was so hard! Dammit, you just appeared out of nowhere, and I saw your gorgeous though slightly unshaven face, and then you were gone. And then I saw you with Angel, and then you were gone.

But why can't Kate and Wesley see you? Is it because they weren't in the hold that night? Did they not see you fry, like me and Angel did? Is that why they can't see you and we can?

    **Tell me**

You know, those ropes hurt. I mean, they really did. I think Angel remembers too much from his torture days. I think the only thing, other than you, that saved us was Spike and Buffy and Willow bursting in on the mess with the tranquilizer gun and the spell. The light rain falling feels so nice right now...

You only met Spike and Buffy, didn't you? You know how things were between all of us...Spike was mortal enemy, Buffy was cause of Angel's heartache, and Willow was the little geeky witch. Only I don't think you have any idea how happy I was to see them. Even Spike.

But with you, it wasn't happiness, not exactly. I guess it was...hope?

    **In my dreams I'm jealous all the time**

I wonder if you're jealous, that I let Angel get that close to me. That I let him use me to help the greater good the way he did. I could have died, you know. I really could have, especially if you hadn't stepped in.

And I wonder what might have happened if I'd died. Would I have been a ghost like you? Would I go around and save Angel and Wes and Kate they way you saved me? I dreamed about seeing you again, dreamed of being near you and with you.

And then all I can have is a ghost.

    **As I wake I'm going out of my mind**

You know, it's been two or three days. Even after everything that happened, no one's angry at Angel. Not really, anyway. Kate leaned on him for support...her ex had thought she had left town, which he now knows isn't true. I mean, he got away...he can cause more trouble.

Wesley's doing fine, too. We're going to have lunch tomorrow...I think he feels alone. He got hurt the worst, and I just thinks he thinks we don't care. I care, at least...before you got there, he saved me. I mean, that's why he got hurt. Saving me.

So even though I wish I was dead, I guess I owe him. I must be going nuts, to wish I was dead.

    **Going out of my mind**

***

Cordelia jumped slightly at the noise. The cigarette had burned to the filter, ash covering her light colored dress. It was a shimmery white, almost opalescent.

It had been a knock on her door, something she didn't expect. She'd wanted to wallow in her misery, ignore the world and just sit out there amidst the cold air and lightly falling mist of rain. It caused the dress to cling more than usual, but she hadn't been expecting company. Too late now...

"Cordelia?"

It was Angel. He knocked on the door again, a bit harder that time. She moved swiftly towards the door, opening it. Her hair was messed up, her eyes were bloodshot, her wrists were rubbed raw...

"Cordy...I'm so sorry," he said quietly. She simply nodded, moving out of his way so he could come in. He followed her to the fire escape, where she went back to sitting in her previous position. "It hurt you, too, to see him."

She nodded again. "So much."

Angel glanced at her wrists again, staring at them intently. "I think...I think maybe it would be a good idea if we spent some time apart. I'm letting you have a vacation, Cordy. Fully paid, wherever you want to go."

Once more, she nodded. She'd only said two words to him, just two words. "Cordy?"

"I want to go to Ireland. And I want to get Doyle a headstone, wherever he was born."

Angel looked up from her wrists. Her eyes were still bloodshot, but there was a look of intentness in them. "All right."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Angel started to feel unwelcome. He stood, looking down at Cordelia. She was in so much pain...and he couldn't do anything.

"I'm going to go," he said quietly. She nodded again, still staring into the sky, rubbing her wrists redder. "Good-bye, Cordelia."

He walked out, catching a glimpse of Doyle sitting by the window, staring intently at Cordelia, a frown on his face. But the minute the sight registered, it was gone.

Angel never felt worse than when he left her home. Never felt more unwelcome, never felt more uncomfortable...he just hoped everything would be all right.

But he knew that as long as Doyle was near her, she'd be fine.