Today I finally managed to think of Doyle without crying. It was the first time in the nearly three weeks that I’ve been back in Sunnydale where I managed to get through a morning without Doyle without sobbing hysterically.

I woke up this morning and I thought of Doyle and I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile either. I haven’t reached the point where I can just...remember and be happy, but I’m not a mess anymore either.

So I got out of bed timidly and was surprised to find Willow and Xander cuddled together on her bed, both sound asleep. Completely innocent; I mean, they were both fully dressed and I watched them for a moment and for the first maybe ever, I didn’t feel repulsed by the thought of them being together.

I stood there, staring down at them, with my arms crossed in front of me. I realized something suddenly- that could have been Doyle and me. He was my best friend. Angel was more like an older brother but Doyle...Doyle would have been so many things to me. He was my best friend and he could have been more. I really do think I could have loved him. I really do think that maybe I *did*.

It seems silly, I knew him for barely over three months, but I really think that maybe...maybe Doyle is the guy I was meant to be with. I mean, Kevin wasn’t, those fifty billion guys I dated both pre-and post-Xander weren’t, Wesley *so* wasn’t and I think Xander and me were meant to be more friends than anything else. So maybe it was Doyle.

Maybe Kate and Angel and everyone who wasn’t me was right. Maybe I should have given him a real chance *before* he sacrificed his life for me. I went over to the small fridge at the other end of the room and bent down to search for something to eat. I heard footsteps behind me and saw Willow sitting up in bed. She seemed to be trying to disentangle herself from Xander’s grip and I gave her a brief smile before turning to face the fridge again.

“Hey,” she whispered, coming over and sitting down on the floor beside me. I nodded and pulled out a carton of Orange Juice from inside before shutting the door and sitting cross-legged in front of the fridge door. I gave her a small nod and then opened the carton and drank some juice. “You seem to be feeling better?” she inquired, her voice soft.

I shrugged. “It hurts less,” I admitted, putting the carton of juice down in front of me.

She nodded her head. “It does that. After a while.” I stare at her. She lost Oz, Xander told me that. He left for his own good or something, but Xander wouldn’t go into more details, saying it was Willow’s business to decided who she wanted to tell.

“You guys helped,” I added. I can see a surprised look on her face. “I mean, even if you couldn’t literally help and bring him back, Willow.”

She looked down at the carpet and I could see guilt flood her expression. Shit, I hadn’t meant to do that. We hadn’t spoken of the request I made on that first night since then. There was an awkward silence and I considered excusing myself for the bathroom just to get away but she raised her eyes to meet mine and said, “Remember how I told you I wasn’t powerful enough to do it?” she asked, her voice soft and uneasy. I nodded. Just barely though, I hadn’t really been thinking straight that night. “There was more to it than just that. There‘s a rule with magick. I also can’t bring Doyle back because we don’t have his consent. And we don’t know the reasons behind his death. maybe your supposed to learn something that my bringing him back would prevent.”

“What?” I ask bitterly, not really hearing what she was trying to say.

“That I was a dumb, self-obsessed bitch in high school and because of that I should spend the rest of my life paying?” I grabbed the juice and drank some more down.

“No.” She furrowed her brow at her me in concern and worry. She stared at me a moment before sighing and trying to explain again, “It’s like Oz.

I couldn’t do a spell to force him back because I didn’t have his concent. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together forever and my selfishness would bind him to me even if the girl he’s meant to be with -or guy, in theory- lives in, like, New York or something. No matter how much it hurt to give up Oz those first few weeks, I couldn’t bring him back against my will, y’now?” She reached for the Orange Juice and lifted it to her mouth to drink.

I get it now. Some Wiccan obligation thing. “Can’t you just go *poof* and make whatever you want happen?” I asked and she halted, mid-sip of juice. I shook my head and apologized, “I’m sorry, that was stupid. You have rules and stuff and I can’t ask you to break them because you’d suffer the consequences, not me.” I stood up and brushed off my ass. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

“Sure,” she agreed. She put the juice back in the fridge and gave me a small smile. I glanced at Xander, who was still asleep and resting comfortingly and felt a smile come unbidden over my face. Then I turned back towards Willow and smiled down at her. “If you love him, Willow, don’t wait. You guys lead dangerous lives and honestly, not to spaz you or anything, he could die tomorrow. So don’t put things off because you start doing that and then you end up *never* telling Xander you love him and the next thing you know, you’re all alone and just able to wonder about what you could have had.”

She stared at me, saying nothing, and then I turned and walked into the bathroom. I went into the corner and curled myself up into a little ball by the toilet for a moment, thinking about how perfect it would be to just hear Doyle outside right now, making some lame comment about how I spend more time just on my hair than the rest of me. And I tease him with something like, ‘how would you know, you’ve never *seen* the rest of me?’ And he’d laugh and call me ‘Princess’ and say, ‘Well, I’d *like* too”....

Pushing those thoughts aside I stood up and walked over to the door to the bathroom, opening it slightly and gazing into the room. Xander was still asleep but I could see he was stirring and Willow sat beside him on the bed, staring down at him with a look I can remember directing at Xander when he was unaware, once upon a time.

Xander was never mine. He was always hers. But Doyle *was* mine. From the moment Doyle met me he was crazy about me. Just like Willow and Xander were about one another. I clutch the door tightly as a wave of Doyle-missage comes over me but I don’t cry, I just clutch the door until my knuckles are white. Stay strong, Chase, I tell myself.

I saw Xander open his eyes and the first thing he saw was Willow gazing down at him. “Hi,” she said softly. A huge smile broke out on his face as he gazed back up at her.

“Hey Wills.” He reached up and gently brushed her cheek with his hand. “I dreamt about us.” He chuckled. “Cordy and Buffy were there too, and they seemed to be dating, so we won’t discuss that.” Willow laughed and he continued on, pleased at her response, “So I was thinking maybe we could bring Cordy to-” He started to sit up but Willow placed her hand over his mouth to stop him and then kept him from sitting up any more.

“I was talking to Cordelia and she said some things...” she drifted off and looked out the window, finally taking her hand away from his mouth. “We were talking about not wanting to lose one another a few weeks ago, remember?” He nodded. “Well, who knows how much fucking time we have so...” she took a deep breath before continuing, “I love you.”

Xander looked confused. I silently hoped the idiot wouldn’t mess this up. “What about Oz? And Anya?”

“Anya is your choice, Xander. If you love her or want to be with her, fine.

But-” she shrugged her shoulders, “- Oz and I are over. I still love him and probably always will. But I think maybe I can move on? At least a bit.”

She looked down at the carpet and I caught a glimpse of the insecure Willow she used to be back when I picked on her. “If you still love me, that is.”

“Of course I do,” he said immediately and sat up, pulling her into his arms. “Christ, Wills, I never stopped.”

Doyle’s gone. And I’m sure I still have my worst weeks of mourning ahead of me. But maybe I can try to start living again.

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