Beast Wars on The Price is Right
By: Moon Kitty ( or

Megatron: Welcome to The Price is Right! And here's our host, Inferno Burner!

~ Crowd cheers as Inferno comes onstage ~

Inferno: Thank you my Queen. Who are the unfortunate fools to come on our show today?

Megatron: Today's contestants are Optimus Primal, Dino Bot, Rat Trap, and Chee Tor! Come on down!

~ The four contestants come on down ~

Inferno: Now here is our first item up for bid!

~ We see model Blackarachnia come out in a tacky dress ~

Megatron: This dress you see our model Black Arachnia wearing is made by Hasbro!

Inferno: Optimus, what is your bid?

Optimus: $1,000!

Rattrap: (Hitting himself over the head) It's made by Hasbro Monkey-Brain! There's no way it'll cost THAT much!

~ Optimus just shrugs ~

Inferno: Dino, your bid?

Dinobot: It's Dinobot! Not Dino!

Inferno: Silence traitor! I just want your bid!

Dinobot: $10

Inferno: Rat?

Rattrap: $5 and it's Rattrap!

Inferno: (Ignoring Rattrap) And Chee? Your bid?

Cheetor: Cheetor

~ Inferno just stares at him blankly ~

Cheetor: Cheetor…

Inferno: Who…

Cheetor: Oh, never mind! I bid $1!

Inferno: And the price of the dress, $2! Get over here Chee!

Cheetor: Ultra-Gear! What are we gonna play?

Inferno: Not 'we'… 'You'…

Cheetor: Okay…

Inferno: The game is called "Hole-in-One"

Cheetor: (Very excited) I know this game!!!

Inferno: Good, because I wasn't going to explain it anyway…

~ Later, Cheetor got all the prizes wrong, so he should have to putt from the farthest line from the hole, but… ~

Inferno: Well, since you're a minor, we'll let you putt from the first line.

Cheetor: Cool! (Not even understanding what Inferno meant)

~ Cheetor gets ready to putt, 1 inch away from the hole. But when he hits the gulf ball, it misses the hole completely! ~

Inferno: That was pathetic!

~ The audience is laughing now ~

Cheetor: Aw man! (He walks away, head down in embarrassment)

~ Unfortunately for Cheetor, he just happens to step on a land mine ~


~ We see little pieces of Cheetor landing all over the studio ~

Inferno: (To no one in particular) Remind me to thank Who's Damn Insane for those land mines…

Megatron: And I thought his name was Suddam Hussein or something like that.

Inferno: Like anyone cares

Megatron: True

Inferno: So who's next to come on down?

Megatron: Someone by the name Mike…

~ A whole bunch of guys get up out of their seats ~

Inferno: A last name would help, my Queen

Megatron: It doesn't give one, but it says the guy's from Canmore

Mike: That's me!!

~ Mike gets up and goes to Contestants' Row ~

Mike: I'm Mike, from Canmore!

Inferno: Canmore? Where's that?

Mike: It's in Canada, eh

Inferno: Canada… what province?

Mike: I can't remember…

Inferno: Okay… um, what's the next item up for bid?

Megatron: This lovely couch!

~ We see a couch with Blackarachnia, in robot mode, with Silverbolt, beast mode on it. Blackarachnia is petting Silverbolt ~

Megatron: This couch is made by Lazy-Boy furniture! And as you see, we have an ugly dog here. So if you want an ugly dog of your own, just go to your local SPCA.

Silverbolt: (Growling) I'm not ugly! Right Blackarachnia?

Blackarachnia: (Lying) Bowser, you're the cutest bot ever!

Inferno: Silence you two! Now, Mike, what is your bid?

Mike: Can I have the doggie?

Inferno: (A bit angry) Yes, but can you give me your bid already?!

Mike: You didn't say 'please'!

~ Inferno takes out his flame thrower and points it at Mike ~

Inferno: Please this!

~ Inferno burns Mike to a crisp ~

Inferno: Anyone else like to drive my patience?

~ The other contestants just shake their heads and back away from the psycho ant ~

Inferno: Good! Now Optimus, your bid?

Optimus: $100!

Inferno: Dino?

Dinobot: It's Dinobot! Can't you get it right you moron! Anyways, I bid $20

Inferno: Rat?

Rattrap: $21

Dinobot: (Threatening Rattrap) Why you little…

Inferno: And the retail price of the couch is, $20! Get over here you traitorous scum!

Dinobot: Watch it, or I'll hit you so hard, your face will be on the other side of your head!

Inferno: Oh, I'm so scared!

Dinobot: You better be!

Megatron: Ahem! Can you please continue the game!

Inferno: My apologies Royalty!

Megatron: That's better. Now, Dino, now you're gonna play, Plinko!

Dinobot: (Sarcastically) Oh joy!

Megatron: Where you get a chance to win $1,000,000,000!!

Dinobot: Nice…

~ Model Airazor comes up and gives Dinobot some chips (not the kind you eat!) ~

Dinobot: What the slag are these for?

Inferno: You walk up those steps there, then you try to drop the chips into the slots.

Dinobot: Oh…

~ Dinobot walks up the steps. Then drops the first chip onto the Plinko board. The chip lands in the $0 slot ~

Dinobot: (Growling) $0! How can this be?!

Inferno: Relax! You still have two more chips!

~ Dinobot does the same with the other chips, both land in the $0 slot ~

Dinobot: WHAT?!!! How can I lose?!

~ Dinobot starts firing his eye-beams at the Plinko board. Then he takes out his sword and starts totally destroying the board ~

Inferno: Someone restrain him please?

Waspinator: Wazzpinator will rezztrain Lizard-Bot!

Inferno: I meant someone who will actually succeed in restraining him!

Waspinator: Wazpinator will succeed! Wazzpinator rulezzz!!

~ Waspinator goes to try and restrain the furious Dinobot. Unfortunately, he is hit by Dinobot's eye-beams ~

Waspinator: Why doez Univerze hate Wazzpinator?

~ Waspinator then goes into stasis-lock ~

Inferno: (Sighing) Why me?

~ Later, Dinobot is finally restrained, and Waspinator is put into a CR chamber ~

Inferno: Okay, we have two places in Contestants' Row to fill.

Megatron: Yes, will Black Cat and Grim Lock, come on down!

~ Black Cat and Grimlock take their places in Contestants' Row ~

Inferno: And here is our next item up for bid!

Megatron: That's right! From Hooker Furniture, is a… um, hooker!

~ A hooker comes out ~

Rattrap: Hello!

Black Cat: (To Rattrap) Now YOU would be interested in THAT, would you?

Rattrap: Eh, shut-up! No one likes you!

~ Black Cat ignores Rattrap ~

Inferno: Now, Black, what is your bid?

Black Cat: It's Black Cat.

Inferno: Whatever.

Black Cat: I bid $1,000,000,000

Rattrap: You SO over bid!

Black Cat: I did that on purpose! You're so stupoid!

Rattrap: What in the Pit is a stupoid?

Black Cat: You!

Inferno: Will you both shut-up?!

~ Black Cat and Rattrap shut-up ~

Inferno: Grim, your bid?

Grimlock: I lov bLakC AknIa aND MOOn Ktty!!!!

Inferno: That's nice, what's your bid?


Inferno: Do you want me to shoot you?

Grimlock: NoTHig wILL com beTWEnn me anD MK!!

Moon Kitty: (From audience) Please just shoot him already!

Inferno: No, I have a better idea… Scavenger, RazorClamp. He's yours to torture!

~ Scavenger and RazorClamp smile evilly at Grimlock ~

Scavenger: Heh, this is gonna be fun…

RazorClamp: Oh yes, tons of fun!

~ They drag Grimlock off to be tortured. We hear his screams as they leave ~

Inferno: Optimus, bid?

Optimus: $1!

Rattrap: You also over bid! I bid 20 cents!

Optimus: You can't bid that! The price is suppose to be rounded off to the nearest dollar!

Inferno: Not anymore

Optimus: Damn…

Inferno: And, the price for the hooker is 21 cents! Get over here Rat!

Rattrap: Yes!!

Inferno: Okay, you are going to play a new game. This game requires no prices.

Rattrap: So this should be easy.

Inferno: No, you have to stare at a picture of what you'll look like in Beast Machines. If you can look at it for 30 seconds without cracking, you win a new car.

Rattrap: Okay, how bad can it be?

Inferno: Very…

~ Inferno sits Rattrap in front of a Beast Machines picture of himself ~

Rattrap: Oh Primus, that's ugly!

~ It takes like 15 seconds before Rattrap cracks and runs out of the building screaming ~

Inferno: That was fun!

~ Later, at the big wheel thingy ~

Inferno: Okay, I'm sure you all know the rules for the wheel

Cheetor: (Who has just been repaired) No, is it like "The Wheel of Fortune"?

Inferno: No, and I'm not explaining it

Cheetor: You're mean!

Inferno: I know. Now spin the wheel.

~ Cheetor goes to spin the wheel. It stops on 0 ~

Cheetor: Hey! There isn't suppose to be a zero there!

Inferno: There is now!

Cheetor: Do I get another spin?

Inferno: No.

Cheetor: This sucks!

~ He walks away, only to step on another land mine ~


~ Pieces of Cheetor everywhere! ~

Inferno: Next!

~ Dinobot walks up to the wheel and spins it. It stops on 200 ~

Dinobot: What?!! How can I go over on one spin?! This thing should DIE!!!

~ Dinobot destroys the wheel much the same way he did the Plinko board ~

Inferno: Not again!!

Waspinator: (Who is repaired again) Wazzpinator will help!

Inferno: Why me? Primus, why me?

~ Waspinator gets slagged again, and Dinobot is somehow restrained, again… ~

Inferno: Alright Rat, since the wheel is now slag. You will be in the Show-Case

Rattrap: Sweet!

~ Back in Contestants' Row ~

Inferno: It appears we have only two contestants, so we need two others…

Megatron: Just what I was thinking, Optimus Minor and Moon Kitty, come on down!

~ The two come on down ~

Minor: (With a bottle of beer in one hand, and a whiskey in the other) This is so groovy man!

Moon Kitty: Are you drunk?

Black Cat: Yes, MK, he's drunk! Duh!

Moon Kitty: Shut-up BC!

Black Cat: Make me!

Moon Kitty: Maybe you should drink some of that stuff, it might make you nicer.

Inferno: Not now you two!

Moon Kitty: Oh, hi Ferney! What's up?

Inferno: Nothing much MK, but could you stop calling me Ferney?

Moon Kitty: Sure.

Megatron: Woah! One minuet! Inferno? You know her?

Inferno: Yes my Queen, she is a friend of mine.

Megatron: Oh…

Inferno: What's the next…

Megatron: …item up for bid? Is a T-shirt from our visit to the Jerry Springer show.

Moon Kitty: Oh yeah! That was fun!

Inferno: Okay, Optimus…

Optimus: $1!

Inferno: Not you! Minor!

Optimus: Oops!

Inferno: Minor?

~ Optimus Minor is asleep ~

Inferno: Oh great! He's asleep! MK, your bid?

Moon Kitty: $20! Because I bought a shirt there, and that's what it costed me.

Inferno: Okay, Optimus Primal…

Optimus: $1!

Inferno: And the cost of the T-shirt is, $20! For that, MK, you get $100!

Moon Kitty: Yay!

Inferno: Okay, since we're running out of time, we'll just give you the prize.

Moon Kitty: Really? Cool! What is it?!

Inferno: A new car!

Moon Kitty: Oh my God! Ferney, er, I mean Inferno! You're the best!

Inferno: I know.

~ Later, since time shortage, and because of the lack of wheel. Moon Kitty was automatically chosen for the Show-Case ~

Inferno: Okay, MK, you are the top winner today. So here is your showcase!

Megatron: Yes Moon Kitty, you can win a trip to Lala-Land!!

Moon Kitty: Lala-Land! I love Lala-Land!!

Inferno: Okay, so what's your bid?

Moon Kitty: 27 cents! I know, 'cause I've been there!

Inferno: Good, now Rat, here is your showcase!

Megatron: Yes, Rat, you can win a whole collection of Beast Wars toys!

Rattrap: Toys?!

Inferno: Now Rattrap, what is your bid?

Rattrap: Umm… $50 I guess…

Inferno: Okay, and the retail price for Rat's toys are, $20! Sorry, you over bid!

Rattrap: Ah, slaggit!

Inferno: And for that, you shall burn! So BURN MAXIMAL!!!! BUUURRRRRNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

~ Inferno burns Rattrap ~

Inferno: Okay, and now the retail price of MK's trip is 27 cents!!! MK, you win both prizes!!

Moon Kitty: Really? Why's that?

Inferno: Because, you bid exactly right, so you win both showcases!

Moon Kitty: Cool!

~ All of Moon Kitty's friends come down to congratulate her. They go to check out her new car and her other prizes ~

Inferno: And that's all for The Price is Right! And remember to get your pets neutered!

~ Silverbolt's ears perk up ~

Silverbolt: (Looking around him) Uh oh!

~ Silverbolt runs for dear life. Mob of vets start chasing him ~

Blackarachnia: Wait! Don't fix him! That's the only reason I go out with him!


Silverbolt does get fixed, much to Blackarachnia's disappointment. Also, Black Cat and Grimlock get married and have 7 children. I'm sure they'll be happy together! And Inferno retires early due to stress.

Author's Note: Grimlock is not the same Grimlock from Transformers. This one is a guy I know, and don't like, but for some reason he likes me. And as you probably noticed, no one really likes Black Cat or Grimlock. And Mike is a character from the show, "Royal Canadian Air Farce". So if you never saw the show, you may not get it, but it's probably still funny anyway.