Twenty Observations About Beast Wars Fanfics
By: Architeuthis (

1) The Axalon was carrying roughly 10,000 stasis pods.

2) The most important physical law governing stasis pod retrieval is Murphy's Law: whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the least opportune time.

3) One should never, ever trust a Transformer with a spider beast mode, for they are inherently treacherous.

4) Transformers with raptor beast modes are never pacifists.

5) Prehistoric Earth had a phenomenally high cat population, which explains the large number of Beast Warriors with feline beast modes.

6) The Beast Warriors' ships apparently crash-landed near a velociraptor bone bed, which explains the veritable pack of Beast Warriors who have raptor beast modes.

7) Dragons apparently existed on prehistoric Earth.

8) Beast Warriors with reptilian beast modes are Predacons--except for raptors, who usually become Maximals. Similarly, Beast Warriors with mammalian beast modes are Maximals--yet many felines join the Predacons.

9) Transformers can fall in love with each other at the drop of a hat, and they can have some type of sex.

10) BlackArachnia, Dinobot, and Waspinator are the Casanovas of the Beast Wars universe.

11) The romantic successes of the above three strongly suggest that Transformers have very interesting tastes. Apparently, neither a complete lack of scruples, nor a vile dispostion, nor obvious CPU damage are barriers to romantic success among Beast Warriors.

12) Even though they are robots, Transformers have human-style families.

13) Dinobot and Waspinator especially have a lot of relatives.

14) A stasis pod will almost always contain someone's sibling, parent, arch enemy, ex-lover, not-so-ex- lover, comrade-in-arms, or partner-in-crime. It will almost never contain a stranger.

15) On the rare occasion that a stasis pod does contain a stranger, the character will be a Predacon doomed to die sometime in the series, usually after doing absolutely nothing.

16) There is a high demand for speech therapists on Cybertron and prehistoric Earth. There is also a high demand for psychiatrists, particularly among the Predacons, since 70% seem to have some kind of programming flaw that would correspond to a mental illness in humans.

17) For some reason, Transformers were built with working tear ducts.

18) Transformers, especially Maximals, adore Earth music, especially pop music that was written during the 80's and 90's. They particularly like sappy, sentimental love songs written by people like Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton.

19) Transformers, especially Maximals, are fascinated by Earth pop culture in general and have somehow managed to transfer copies of songs, T.V. shows, and movies to whatever the Cybertron equivalent of CD's and video tapes might be, despite the vast differences in Cybertron and Earth technology.

20) Even though they are robots from another planet, Transformers are all fluent in Earth languages, especially English. Many of them are so fluent that they even know and use late 20th century slang. This is true even of dumb Transformers.