Beast Wars on Jerry Springer
By: Anarchy, Mako, and Moon Kitty


JERRY: Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! Today's show is about really big love triangles that involve a lot of people, in this case, robots.


JERRY: Our guests today are the Maximals and Predacons. You may know them from the TV show called "Beast Wars". But what do you really know about them? Today is the day when you find out all their dirty secrets and just how many of them are in this really big love triangle.


JERRY: Now, enter our first few guests!

AUDIENCE claps and cheers

Warning: Parental discretion is advised! Sorry, I just had to say that!

Jerry: Ok, our first Guests are Silverbolt and Tigatron, Joining them is Airazor and Black Arachnia

Silverbolt and Tigatron come out wearing Jeans and white shirts, Airazor and Black Arachnia Come out wearing low cut patent leather dresses. The Audience hoots

Jerry: It seems these two ladies have something to tell their boyfriends.

Megatron enters in TM form wearing a Purple Dress, high heels and a string of pearls that Barbara Bush gave him. The Audience screeches their approval. Black Arachnia gives SB an evil glare.

AR: We've both been dating Megatron, this has been going on for two years.

Audience: Booo!

SB: He's a *Beeping* Cross-dressing Freak! What are you doing?

BA: He's Sensitive, unlike you Jojo!

Audience: Hoot! Yeah!

Jerry: But that's not all folks, Megs has something to say to.

Megs: I, I've been dating behind you're backs.

AR: Who is the *Beeping* Slut! I'll take her apart!

Security holds AR back.

Cheetor Enters in a white leisure Suit with his hair slicked back

Jerry: So Cheetor, you've been sleeping with Megatron?

Cheets: Yes Jerry. I've also been sleeping with him, Blackarachnia, and Airazor.

BA: You son-of-a-beeeeep I hate you all you fu-beeeeeeeeep-ers! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppp!!!!!!

*BA takes her chair and starts to hit Cheets with it. Then she starts hitting SB with it too. Suddenly, she is held back by some bald guy*

Jerry: Okaaay. Our next guest is Dinobot.

*Dinobot comes on. Suddenly a bunch of teen girls start yelling and holding up signs that they love him*

Jerry: what is your problem?

DB: I keep having these teenage girls following me everywhere! Especially that one!

*He points to MK*

Cheyenne: (From Audience) Hey! I've been stalking you just as much as that *BEEEP*ing *Beep*!

Jerry: Tell us more

Dinobot: Look, everyone out there, I don't like you. Ok? Just because I died saving the planet doesn't mean I want to hang around with any of...

-More screaming in the background as Airazor and Blackarachnia start a catfight-

Mako: "!$%! Someone restrain them please!"

-A small army of armed guards descends and ties BA and AR to their chairs-

Dinobot: ...anyway, I'm dead! Can't I get some privacy, why..."

SB: "What the ---- you talking bout boy'?"

Cheets: "Yo' mamma, ---!"

SB: "Don talk bout my momma, ---! I kick you ----ing, ---- pimp ass, boy! Damn fool! DiE!"

-Silverbolt and Cheetor start shooting each other and Tigatron looks on blankly-

Tigatron: "you guys need to chill, man. This is cool. real cool man... wow, my feet are big."


-Silverbolt and Cheetor are immobilized by an energon pulse-

Dinobot: "What kind of ----ed up show is this!?"

Jerry: It's a show where people talk about their problems. Most are usually gay, or are cheating on someone, or the are very horny, disgusting people. We even have nudists!

DB: Hmm, I see. Better not tell Rattrap about the last one though...

RT: I heard that! So where's the nudists!

Jerry: And what do you have against this girl, um, Moon Kitty, is it?

Dinobot: She writes stories about me and her having sex and posts them on the internet! Now everyone thinks I am a pedophile! Even other people write about it. They think that I have no Honor! Why won't you go away Mk you *Beeeeeeeeeeep* I mean *Beeep* off!

Jerry: What about it Mk? What's your obsession with Dinobot?

Cheyenne looks enraged that Jerry asked Mk instead of her.

Mk: Beneath that gruff shell he's really a sweet sensitive guy who loves me!

Moon Kitty says airily. The crowd Cheers and Laughs

Jerry: Ok, Next we have Optimus Minor, Hey Mk, Sit Down! Cheyenne! Dinobot! You too! Hey if you're going to do that get a room! Security! Ok Minor what's your problem?

Rattrap: (From behind the scenes) He's a *BEEPing* Drunken horny Monkey!

Audience: Shut up Rattrap!

OpMinor: Yeah shut up you *Beeping* piece of *BEEP* Rat-faced *BEEP* Sucker!

Rt: Why don't you make me Minor!

OpM: I'll turn your sorry *Beep* into Slag!

By now the Audience is screaming as OpM and RT Approach each other throwing chairs and a Microphone!

Jerry: Break it up you two! Ok, what's the deal between you two!

Rattrap: He said he was drunk when he said he loved me! Like the whole *BEEP*ing night meant nothing!

OpMinor: You *Beep*ing Rat! You *Beep*ing got me drunk on purpose! I'm not *Beep*ing Queer!

Jerry: We have a guest who says otherwise, what do you say to that?

Waspinator: Why Monkey bot hate Wazpinator? Monkey-bot uzed Wazpinator! Juzt like Megatron!

Megs: I didn't use you! That night was special! You are the only one Waspy!

QuickStrike: Hey! But boss, I thought I was the only one!

Megs: Yesss, but you yell a lot during the climax.

QS: Fine! Be that way! You sl------!

*QS hits Megs with his chair*

Megs: oww! I'm gonna tell my mommy on you!

Security runs Mk, and Dinobot off stage and MK and DB decide to get a room, if ya know what I mean! Cheyenne tries to follow but is restrained by Security.

Jerry: Our next guest is--

*We hear a crash. Then we see BA and AR cat fighting over Silverbolt*

BA: He's mine you b---------------- and not your's you ----------- suckin' -------------------- f---------- you, you sl------------ty sk-------------nky-----------smelly ho!

AR: Back at 'cha! You ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ sucking --------------------------- you'll sleep with anybody you-------------------------------------------------------------------

*the rest is just beeps*


SB: "Ladies, ladies, no need to resort to violence. Let us settle this dispute off stage, so as not to offend our good viewers and audience."

The three calmly walk off stage.

Jerry: "that's a first."

Suddenly a loud crash is heard and Dinobot and MK fall down from the ceiling into a pile of wreckage, the centerpiece of which was a badly broken bed.

DB: Woah. Do NOT use the rooms up there.

MK: excuse us.

the two run off stage.

DB (offstage): "WOAH!"

MK (offstage): "Holy!"

SB (also offstage): Er, hi. Were just, uh, playing twister, yeah.

AR (yep, offstage): you guys can be "red"!

DB: (offstage): I dunno, I'm not really into, uh, that.

MK: (offstage): It could be fun...

Cheyenne: Hey! I was supposed to be there with Dinobot! Anarchy said I could!

Jerry (his eyes bulging): Well, uh, can we please go to a commercial here?!


We see Megatron standing behind a pulpit wearin a collar.

Megs: Greetings friends! I used to kill and torture people. I tried to destroy all of Cybertron as we know it many times. My Life was hollow until a fellow Predacon gave me this book.

Close up of book: Cover says Understanding Unicron, a new guide for living.

Megs: Before I read this my life had no meaning, but now I am working for the true lord of Cybertron. Call the toll free number at the bottom of your screen to receive your copy today! Call now and get the "How to Get people to join Unicron and destroy them if they won't" Companion Volume absolutely free. Operators are standing by.

The shot widens to show Quickstrike, Inferno, and Tarantulas manning the phones.

Megs: Don't wait call today! 1-800-UNI-CRON

Back to the show.

Rattrap and Optimus Minor are being held back by security.

-Suddenly a blood curteling cry rips through the air. RT and OM look about frantically, but it is too late-


-A mystery man flies through the air in a mask, leaving only an unconscious Rattrap and a broken guitar in his wake-

OM: "Holy ---! What the ---- was that?"

Jerry: "Oh, just El Kabong again."

OM: "...."

Jerry: "Now for the big questions. OpMinor, is it true Optimus Primal abandoned you and is it true that you're engaged to Transmutate?"

OM: "Well, uh, I was dead drunk at the time so... well, er..."

Jerry: "I see, well I think..."

-Jerry is cut off by a chair to the back of his head. Megatron laughs and fixes his dress-

MG: "HAHAHA! Now I command this broadcast! I rule the airwaves!!! AAAHAHAHAHA!!! Predacons! Bring him out!"

Scorponok and Terrosaur Roll out Optimus Primal chained to a rolling platform.

Megs: Optimus has consented to be my love slave so that I wouldn't tell his secret! But since he's chained up, I think I'll tell you anyway!

OpOp: No you can't! I'll be ruined!

Megs: Yes, well too late! OpOp, the supposed Ideal commander, is into Bestiality!

Audience: Ooooooh!

Megs: It's true! He *Beep*ed all five of the lions from Voltron! You wouldn't believe what he did to poor K-9 either! And were do you think the gorilla in mighty Joe Young Came from?

Megatron is laughing Maniacally as Jerry gets back up.

Jerry: Security! Get them out of here! All of them! Especially those two!

He says pointing at Mk and Dinobot, who are doing things raptors shouldn't be able to do and which is Illegal in 47 States and all of Canada. Once the entire group is cleared from the stage Jerry continues, though shaken a bit.

Jerry: Ok, we have one last guest on today's show, Tarantulas! What's on your mind today?

Tarantulas: Well... I.. Sort of...That is to say...

Audience: Spit it Out!

Tarantulas: I Eat people. There are you happy you know that now!

Jerry Screams as Tarantulas spray him with a stasis web and begins to take chunks of flesh from his Carcass.

Tarantulas: Bwahahahahaha! This Show is over! (Looks to Audience and lights up with his machine guns) And so are you! Hahaahaha!

The End

-Moon Kitty