Beast Wars on David Letterman
By: Anarchy

I changed the channel...
"...Isabella Rosalini," said David Letterman, rolling his R's ridiculously, "and Inferno and the Flamers!" The audience cheered it's approval. "I tell, you, we got a great show for you tonight... But tomorrow...Just forget it." He said waving his hands. "Tomorrow's show is gonna, well it's gonna suck." He said and the audience laughed, "So it's a good thing you're here tonight! Alan! What's the secret word for tonight?" "The secret word," The red haired Announcer said, "Is Anarchy." "Um, Dave? Uh hey, what's the deal with this secret word thing? No one wins." Paul Schaffer the bald headed band leader asked. "What? The jackpot is building up. WHEN someone wins, it'll be...Alan? What's the Jackpot?" Dave asked and a $500 Dollar sign flashed on the screen as the Announcer yelled loudly, "Five Hundred Damn Dollars. The secret word is brought to you by Megatron." A picture of Megatron Flashes up on the screen and dissolves to a picture of Barney, "Megatron, He looks like Barney." The announcer finishes. "But Dave, no one even has their secret word cards!" Paul says pointing to the audience. "Well they'll get the cards at their hotels. We will have the Cards waiting at your hotel." Dave says looking to the Audience, "Just ask the bellhops, if they say they don't know what you're talking about, complain to the management. That bellhop's trying to steal your card!" Paul shakes his head and says "I think today's secret word should be Sham." The word Sham flashes up on the screen in white letters and Dave giggles moronically. "Okay, we're gonna do a break and when we come back we'll have Waspinator annoying people." After a commercial break, consisting of Three ads for Coca Cola, one of which said drink Coke to be different, and two that said drink Coke because all your friends do, and one for feminine moisturizer, the show returns. "Ok, we're going down to the Hello Deli where Waspinator will be annoying people. Now some of you already know how we do this, Waspinator is wearing a radio, and I tell him what to say...and we try to get people to, well... kick his ass." The audience howls. "Ok! Waspinator! Can you hear me?" The bucktoothed fool asks. "Waspinator Hear Dave." The wasp answers as we switch to a shot of Waspy standing in front of the Hello Deli. "Ok, Waspinator, I want you to go over to that meter maid and ask her how to get tickets to Cats. Ok?" Dave says and Waspinator walks up to the meter maid and says, "How Waspinator get tickets to Cats?" The meter maid looks at him blankly. "Go to the box office and ask." She replies eventually. "Waspinator want Fleshy bot to help." Waspinator says repeating Dave's words with his own speech impediment, "Police supposed to Protect and Serve, must Serve Waspinator." The meter maid puts away her ticket book. "Look, I'm just trying to do a job here. Why don't you buzz off?" Waspinator looks shocked, "Waspinator ask Police! Police will answer!" He screams, diverging from what Dave is telling him. The meter maid calls something into her radio and the police come and arrest Waspinator shortly afterwards. "Ha ha! That's the same thing that happened last night." Laughed Dave as the police hauled Waspinator into a squad car. "Why Doezz Univerzze hate Wazzpinator?" The wasp buzzed as he was forced into the back of the car. "Ok, we'll be back right after this..." Dave said and went to Commercial. After an interview with Isabella Rosalini, he brought out the top ten list. "Tonight's top ten list, why Megatron is like Hillary Clinton! Top ten reasons, why the Predacon leader, looks like Hillary Clinton...
Number 10,
Both have fantasies about George Stepanopolis!
(Editors note: It doesn't matter who George Stepanopolis is, no one actually knows, but they howl at his name anyway.)
Number 9,
Both Idolize Barbara Bush!
Number 8,
Both Want to Take over New York!
Number 7,
Both think Have a secret crush on Richard Simmons!
(The audience is silent.)
Hey what did you pay to get in?
Number 6,
(A shot of Hillary and Megatron appear side by side. Both have a smug look on their face.)
Both have the same hairdresser!
(Audience is silent again and Dave giggles, marking on the list with a pen.)
Number 5,
Both have dreams of world domination!
Number 4,
Both talk to themselves and pet their hand!
Number 3,
Both were indited for insider trading of Hosie Cow stock!
(A picture of the hosie cow comes up and Alan says "Hosie Cow! It's like having a cow Urinate on your Children!")
Number 2,
Both have the same Dress size.
Number 1,
President Clinton Cheated on Both of them!
(The audience screams and hoots.)
Ok! After the break we'll have Inferno and the Flamers!"
As we return from the commercial a shot zooms in on Inferno holding an electric guitar with orange flames airbrushed on it. The spotlights come up and they begin their song. Quickstrike is on Drums and Tarrantulas is on the Bass Guitar. Paul Shafer pounds his keyboard as the Predacon musicians belt out the hit they had become known for: You Will Burn (For The Royalty). As the Heavy metal/Techno rhythm died down Dave walked over to shake the Large Robot Ant's hand. The ant merely glared at him dully and Dave asked him to sit down by his desk. "Now Inferno," Dave asked "What everyone wants to know is why a giant robot ant, or whatever the hell you are, started up this band." The Ant looked at him quizzically and said simply, "I did as the royalty commanded." Dave sighed and the audience laughed. "What does that mean? I mean who's the royalty? This isn't a Princess Di thing is it?" "Megatron told me take this band to the future and take over. I am doing as the royalty commanded. Soon we will have enough money to destroy you pitiful humans and the royalty shall reign supreme." The ant responded as Tarrantulas giggled and interjected, "He misinterpreted the word BAND and so here we are, under his command, playing for you ridiculous humans." Dave giggled, "So you're supposed to take over the world by being a rock band? Hee Hee!"
Inferno drew his weapon from subspace. "My next step is to take over this building. We will become a new York Institution. People will flock to see us and become servants of the royalty!" The ant said proudly. "Ok, well that's the show for tonight...Ahhh!" Dave Letterman said as Inferno Lit him on fire, singing verse after verse of his hit song "Pain is My Friend, Let me Introduce you."
The Ed Sullivan theater was burnt to the ground that night. Paul Schafer was the only survivor and he later got his own show. Inferno was disappointed that the building was destroyed but didn't think too much of it as he took over Madison Square Garden and the band plays there twice a day. Soon he will have enough money and fans to take over the world. Luckily it won't be any worse than it is today.