Blackarachnia's Talk
By: JW%

Blackarachnia walked toward the podium. She was nervous standing before so many people. At least she hadn't fainted like Scorponok had when he had tried to give a speech on weapons systems. Scorponok was sitting in the audience looking around nervously. Oops, big mistake Blackarachnia had though about the crowd and reeled a little. She had never seen so many people. Fifty plus Beast Warriors, over a hundred other transformers, many she didn't recognize and who knew how many humans and other creatures, all of them on-line even if most weren't paying attention to her. Unfortunately one was paying at least some attention.

"Get off the stage you ugly..." A quick blow to the head silenced him.

"Better get on with it. They don't like your Transmetal Two look. Can't say that I blame them either. This worked so much better during season two." A voice told her.

"As you know I am here to talk about many basic Cybertronian functions including procreation."

"Yeah, Baby!!" A voice was heard from the crowd.

"I will start with sexes."

"Hey! Want to see my matrix?!"

"I meant genders." They quieted some. "To most the female Cybertronian is useless."

"I know a use for them!" Blackarachnia resisted the urge to activate weapons systems.

"The first female Cybertronian, a household appliance therefor Autobot, was built by the Quintassons to suit the taste of a certain client. Before that all their constructions had been neutral and to save design modifications this neutral was now considered male. With the defeat of the Quints the need to please other species was quite less and no more female Autobots were made."

"A great loss to us all!" Blackarachnia didn't know whether to agree or be annoyed.

"The first female Decepticon was not truly a transformer or a Cybertronian, but an earth construct known as Nightbird." At this point many eyes are directed at a large gray Decepticon who merely ignores them. "She lends nothing to this talk but to point out that the Cybertronians were at one point heavily involved in Terran cultures."

"So much involved that to ease relations with the Terrans, who thought of all transformers as male, the Cybertronians restarted the female Autobots with Arcee." The pink head master smiled but then another interruption annoyed everyone.

"Hear dat, guys? My great aunt is famous." A wheeled rat said.

"Yeah right, tell us again exactly HOW a TF could have a sibling." One of the humans said. The rat couldn't think of any way.

"Arcee and many other Cybertronians binary bonded, pretender shelled, or in some other way included organic material into themselves. This brought about the Beast Warrior technology we know today which allows us to either choose or be programmed what form fits us best and if that form is female like me and Airazor here," The falcon nods her head but otherwise allows Blackarachnia to continue, "then the robot form will be likewise. That brings us to our next subject." Blackarachnia paused to mentally shuffle cue cards.

"Are you saying that Inferno and Waspinator are female? They have insectile female forms." "Fool, our forms are of a genderless drone." That would make the "male", in theory. "Prepare to burn for the colony!" "If Wazzpinator is female then Wazzpinator izz alzo lezzbian. And Ant-bot izz juzt butch." "Um uh, okay, ahem. With the inclusion of organic material many Cybertronians suffered problems due to their new dual nature. One such problem is that organic minds don't process information the same way mechanical minds, due to this discrepancy the mechanical mind is forced to think like an organic one. Much of organic minds follow chemical impulses, like instincts. A normal transformer mind deals with this by suppressing the impulses."

"That proved to be a mistake..." A white tiger, from the audience muttered.

"That proved to be a mis...uhh, yeah whatever, it was soon learned, by the con's that these impulses can be harnessed even if it does lead to a slightly unstable mind. Unstable that is for a machine, but perfectly normal for an animal. The trouble is the more organic parts in the body, the stronger the mind has to be stable to retain productivity. Inferno is skirting the line."

"Not me, the ant." An Autobot fire truck yells when people start to look at him funny.

"This consideration of making as much of the Cybertronian robotic as possible leaves out much of the chemical imbalances in other organics. I for one am glad not to have those problems, like puberty and mid-life crisis, to name a few."

"Want me to name some others?!" A human in the crowd yells, while other eyes turn toward Cheetor.

"Those were freckles not zits," he mutters, "It was part of my faceplate design Okay?"

"Yeah, right, kid I bet you got a goatee and ponytail just to look older." Cheetor was about to draw weapons when Blackarachnia continued.

"With this in mind you may ask why we need food?"

"Because it's yummy!"

"That, as Tarantulas pointed out, is one reason." Blackarachnia said. "The other is that eating solid material is another great way to get energy. I believe it was the Insecticons that discovered this first."

"Yes we did-did."

"They also discovered that is was not a very efficient method even if it is convenient. I am happy to report that efficiency has improved but getting a mainline of energon is still the best way to refuel. Efficiency is so good that little waste products are left."

Some one in the crowd yelled out the infamous line of Spikes that was cut from the movie.

"No all waste products are in the form of highly charged gas. That way we can vent excess power as well as mass. We also don't gain weight. All changes in size are due to subspace shunting. This brings us to the final point of the talk: reproduction."

Blackarachnia though she would blush from the comments shouted out. "Take off your torso-plating!!"("Can she do that? Isn't it just armor?""She can now! Love those TransMetal2s!"), "Be still my spinnerettes", "Love to get into your exoskeleton!", "Hey baby can I scan your polygons?", "Pull my trigger baby!" and "Is that a weapons system or are you just glad to see me," were some of the louder.

"On form of procreation is budding. Basically a Cybertronian stands still and divided."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"This goes against Primus's will and should not be performed lest the swarm reform." A large group of nameless G2 Decepticons shifted uncomfortably while being glared at.

"Another method is to build a new body and program it with life through the Creation Matrix or Vector Sigma."

"What about the times when the Matrix and Vector whatsis aren't around? I've seen a built Autobot walk around without a brain in its head."

"Me: Grimlock, say it was nmeonic storage. Now you die for insulting dinobots brains." What one exchange fortunately one that didn't erupt into (much) violence.

"Do you know how many people that takes!"

"Yeah, what a..." Blackarachnia cut off the next comment.

"Newer procedures include using nanites to make a proto-form and add a spark from one of the two objects. The protoform is mainly functional but doesn't have a second form or many other things we take for granted. Stasis pods or CR chambers are used to solidify the Protoform into a full Beast Warrior."

"Plans for the future include giving transformers a way to construct the nanites insider our bodies and create a spark by joining with another. Please note that this process has yet to be perfected. The only recorded Transformer marriage was Optimus Prime and Elita-One. While they could be considered by some to be pair bonded in truth they were merely very close friends."

"Not only that but they were brother and sister!" Some one yelled out. This caused a stir. Blackarachnia hastened to clarify.

"They merely shared the same creator, one Alfa Trion. That does not make them siblings. At no time can the terms of family be considered anything more than a faulty translation into human terms. We have yet to perfect the nanite process and until then the intense tactile stimulation has entirely no point to it." Blackarachnia stepped down from the podium to leave.

A wolf/eagle fuzor called out "So are we still on for an entirely pointless evening?!" At this point the weapons fire started.