Major announcement! No, really!
FOX has officially canned Beast Machines. After receiving frequent complaints from TransFans that the show was "a disgrace", "a mockery", "a lame-a[CENSORED] attempt for you f[CENSORED]-ups to get another f[CENSORED]g s[CENSORED]y cartoon on the f[CENSORED]g idiot box", and several other things that cannot be printed here without liberal interpretations of the 1st Amendment, FOX has officially decide to deep-six any plans of Beast Machines now, tomorrow, or ever.
However, FOX announced that it was still planning to launch a new Transformers show. Fox executives announced, quote, "While we have received extensive complaints about Beast Machines, many of them offensive and a disturbing number of them potential grounds for an FBI manhunt, we have yet to receive any complaints about The X-Files." (Five reporters were ordered to leave at this point when they claimed this was due to the complete and utter uninvolvement of the shows.) "Anyhow, since we needed something to fill up the Beast Machines time slot and the X-Files time slot, and our fifteen new sitcoms (estimated average lifespan of said sitcoms: 2.3 episodes) fell through, we came up with a great idea." When asked why the idea was great, the executive replied, "It makes us money and covers up for the fact that we can't get a single halfway decent program on the air." He then squinted and fired all those responsible for the on-stage cue cards.
To make a long story (and several violent arguments) short, FOX has unveiled their new show, which has left many TransFans (who were allowed in to watch the first episode) gaping in stunned silence, many others plotting horrible revenge, many others weeping, and the rest currently swallowing cyanide pills by the bottle.
The new show, titled The Beast-Files, stars FBI Agents Fox Silverbolt and Dana Blackarachnia in their unending pursuit of all things paranormal, extraterrestrial, and above all, unspeakably inane. Throughout this, however, they must deal with Assistant Director Optimus Skinner, whose true motives are unclear, and the evil and mysterious Syndicons, led by the Cigarette-Smoking Megatron (affectionately referred to on the set as "Cancersaurus"). They are aided by their inside informants, Rat Trap and W (thought to stand for either William or Waspinator), but are constantly led astray by misleading information, convoluted plots, poor lighting, and the occasional stray missile from the Well-Manicured Scorponok.
A few excerpts from the first episode, in prose form, are below:
Silverbolt turned to face Blackarachnia. "Blackarachnia, this man's stomach has been turned inside out, and his entire digestive system is tied in knots. Do you know what caused this?"
"He ate at Taco Bell?" offered Blackarachnia, forgoing scalpels for the use of her claws.
"He was abducted by aliens, Blackarachnia!"
Blackarachnia stared back at her partner, deadpan. "Silverbolt," she sighed as her head brushed the ceiling, "there's no such thing as aliens."
---
The two agents walked through the blackened hallway, unable to see five inches in front of them, let alone the path to their partner.
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
"Silverbolt!"
"Blackarachnia!"
(This goes on for ten more minutes!)
---
"I've seen the truth!" shouted Silverbolt, glaring at the aloof Cigarette-Smoking Megatron. "And you can't hide the truth."
"Who said I was TRYING to hide it?" asked Megatron, taking another puff of his Cuban. "I just was trying not to draw attention to it! But you and Blackarachnia are always making up such insane stories to tell the FBI that I couldn't keep it better hidden if I tried! I could plop a live alien right in front of Optimus right now, and he'd never suspect it, noooo!"
These are only a few of the scenes we could piece together from the labored gasps of TransFans staggering out of the room, gasping for air and looking to be in intense pain. One TransFan was at a loss for words to describe the show, only repeating, "Kill me before this becomes Transformers" over and over as he assumed the fetal position.