The Alternate Menace
By: Mako

A recently unemployed Inferno reads the Sunday pager:

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages.

Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance.

The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them holographically to: .

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.

A few weeks later-

-Inferno lands on tantanoie and walks into town wearing his black robes. Absently he wanders into Watto's junk yard-

"How may I help you?" The blue one asks

"I want a plasma converter."

"That will be 500 credits."

"No, I WANT a plasma converter."

"Uh, do you have the money?"

"No money."

"Well how about a bet then? the pod races are..."

"I want a plasma converter. Now."

"well, no money, no converter."

Inferno narrows his eyes and lunges forward, plunging his fist a foot into the blue one's stomach and throwing him against the wall.

"Then burn."

Inferno uses the force to erupt Watto in flames. His muffled cry doesn't reach far and he slumps to the floor a bloody and burning mess of flesh and bone.

"HAHAHAHA! Inferno takes the converter from a shelf and walks out. A young boy walks in through the back and sees Watto in flames. Watto gurgles and spits out blood.

"what the f--- happened!?"

Anakin looks at Watto, spits on his corpse and runs out.


Inferno is walking through a market when he bumps into a small creature.

"Hey mutha! What the ^$(* you doin round here, eh? Why I autta kick you fat ass! Don't you know who I am?!"

Inferno looks down at little podracing skunk.

"You're dead."

Inferno blasts the little scumbag into next tuesday, splattering blood and entrails everywhere. As Inferno leave, Anakin happens to walk by with a slurpie and sees that, uh, I forget his name, that little podracer guy. He sees what's left of his body.

"Dude! Kick ass, this is sweeeet."

Anakin steps on a piece of rib and kicks around the skull for a while.


"Hello," a stupid creature walked up to inferno and started bothering him, "Mesa wanna be you friend! Mesa name is jar Jar!"

Inferno's eyebrow raises slightly.

"Mesa so entertaining! Look! Mesa ears move and go around and around and..."

jar Jar is cut off as he is quickly engulfed in flame. He writhes and moans on the floor as inferno pours on the fire.

"HAHAHAH!! For the glory of the royalty and at the request of fans everywhere!"

Jar Jar is reduced to a smoking pile of ash.

Anakin walks up.

"Stupid Jar Jar! Die you ---!"

Anakin scatters Jar Jar's ashes with his foot.

Suddenly a bunch of people jump out.

"Hey you! We need some help! I'm the princess of..."

A wall of flame cuts the bitch short. only screams fill the air.

Anakin: "cool man."

two jedi jump out.

Qui: "Foul villain! you will die!"

Inferno tries to shoot the fool but the jedi deflects all his shots. Inferno quickly takes out his trusty flame throwers.

"Burn! ...For the Royalty (the future emperor, anyway)!!!!"

Inferno laughs madly as the two jedi shrivel under the onslaught of flame. In seconds they are reduced to charred corpses.

Anakin picks up one of the Jedi lightsabres.

Anakin: "Dude! that was awesome, man. Can I be like you someday?"

Inferno looks at the boy.

"I sense great evil in you, young one. Let me train you in the ways of the force..."

"The force?! Sweet."

And so all the losers die, die, DIE, DIIIIEEEEE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!