Rachel and Tea didn't say a word about their experience at Madame Le Marque's back room, through a mutual and unspoken agreement. With time and distance, it began to fade from her mind, and became increasingly unreal--Tea could even enjoy herself when they met after she left the office that evening, at club Indigo. She talked to old friends, new friends, even joked about their little adventure with the fortune teller. None of that seemed real now. The evening progressed into a blur of faces and drinks, as she forced herself to laugh, joke, be social. But those thoughts were ever-present, and rendered her surroundings unreal as well. It was as though she were floating through a dream _ a pleasant dream, but a cover for the darker events that would soon envelop her.

She sat in Rachel's car on the way back, watching the streetlights floating by, feeling worn to the bone. She was working too hard again, that was it. Everyone kept telling her that, but she always brushed it off. She liked to be busy. It kept her awake, kept her moving. It made her happy, particularly now when everything was so perfect.. when things were finally going her way. Rachel too was recovering from the events of that terrible year, when she had lost her old life and been sent to prison. It had changed her, but it had made her stronger. Tea studied her friend as they drove wordlessly through Llanview.. was Rachel happy? Was she content with her life? Or was she, like Tea, waiting for something more..

As soon as Rachel had brought her home, Tea knew that she did not want to be alone that night. But she had already insisted, and it was too late. When she had closed her front door behind her, she collapsed back against it, sighing tiredly her face shed the mask of well-being that had carried her through the past hours. Reeling from the effects of the alcohol in her system and the emotions stirring up behind her wall of indifference, she tried to think of someone who could help. Someone who could be there. But there was no on--no one that she was willing to call on. No one that would understand.

She took a deep breath, trying to clear her mind. She knew that she was being silly, and was frustrated with herself. Calm down, girl. You will sort it all out in the morning. You'll call Vicki Carpenter and tell her what happened, and she'll set you straight, and then you'll both have a good laugh. It's not true. It's not true. She should have called hours ago, she should have checked it out immediately, cleared it up right away and saved herself the worry. Worry? Why did she even care? It had been two years since *that man* had broken her heart and ran away from her.. Okay, so it was natural to have lingering feelings for your past love. That's all it was - concern. Yes, she should have called Vicki. But it was too late now. It would have to wait until tomorrow. She took off her overcoat, tossed it on the couch on the way to her bedroom.

She was *afraid* to call Vicki. She still remembered that feeling of absolute certainty, and absolute loss, back in that darkened room.. She *knew* it was true. Now she wasn't certain of anything. But it was easier not to know, and still have hope..

.. the way she had all along, that as long as he was still out there somewhere, there was still a chance..

She stood in front of her bathroom mirror, staring at her reflection. Life had been good to her, in this last year. Her career had been taking off, enough to have her own office now that Sam Rappaport had returned to Chicago and left their partnership under her care. She had started to work her way into social circles, meeting new friends, new interests. Her love life was interesting and fun again. The men were intelligent, gentlemanly, rich, successful, and doting, and she was charming and playful with them, if a bit distant. As she removed her make-up, she recalled her last date ' Jordan was his name, a city employee. He was sweet, funny, attractive.. and she wasn't a bit interested in him. There was, for lack of a better description, no spark between them. It just wasn't there, and hadn't been there with anyone since--

What was that?

She jerked her head around before she had even processed the thought. Nothing behind her but the towel rack, but still, her heart pounded. Something in the mirror. Something in the mirror had moved, behind her.

"No more wine for you," she instructed herself sternly. She forced herself through the mundane tasks--brushed her teeth, washed her face, with as little thought as was possible. She was exhausted. When she finally crawled into bed, she thought she had finally shaken off the sense of dread that she had carried with her. She was certain that she would fall asleep immediately. It had been a long time since she had been having the dreams; in fact, these last few weeks had been marked with peaceful, *dreamless* sleep, and she had woken in the morning feeling refreshed, and remembering nothing of the cyclings of her mind through the lonely hours.. She had felt sheltered, somehow, from inherent danger of the night.

She closed her eyes.. only to see the dark, ancient eyes of Madame Le Marque staring back at her. "A very strong presence.."

Tea opened her eyes again, staring up at the ceiling. What if she was right? What if.. But it was impossible. He couldn't possibly be.. God, she couldn't even think it. That he could be dead. It was, of course, possible. He had never had *that* much interest in taking care of himself. Trouble followed him like a shadow. And she didn't even know where he was now, what he had been doing for so long.. if anyone did. It was an unbearably sad thought, that he *could* have died.. and no one know about it. Alone, unmissed and unmourned.

And there was the other thing. "..watching over you constantly.." Well, that sounded like Todd, didn't it? But if he wasn't interested enough to hang around two years ago, then what would bring him back now? What would he possibly want from her? She couldn't begin to guess, and couldn't take the idea seriously. But the woman, Clara, she had seen him--there was no question of that. What if he was there, watching her, *right now*?

He always did like to watch her sleep..

She sat up in her bed, taking in her surroundings as a mode of comfort. The apartment had been hers for eleven months now, her permanent home after moving out of the Palace hotel. Tea was immensely proud of it; it was bright, airy, sophisticated (and she had taken great care to decorate it, give it her own personal touch), expensive, and all hers. She felt comfortable here, except in some of these long nights.. It was nearly midnight, according to the alarm clock. The witching hour, she smiled to herself. Perfect time for paranoia. Get a grip, Tea.

She rose from her bed and stumbled across the room, not bothering to turn on the light. She fumbled across her dresser, looking for the little bottle.. She had started using the sleeping pills months ago, secretly, and only in emergency situations. Where were they? It had been a little while since she had needed to use a sleeping aid, and she couldn't remember what she had done with them. She rummaged along the top of the dresser and in the first drawer, but couldn't find them anywhere, and was about to turn on the light when she distinctly heard a sound--almost a sigh, just behind her. Again, she could not turn fast enough, and grasped at empty air. What the hell? She froze in place, waiting to hear it again, waiting for any sign of movement, but nothing came.

Tea knew that she was working herself into a state of panic, but she couldn't help herself--she watched the room, looked continually over her shoulder, for some sign, some bit of movement. She was alone in her room, but her senses told her otherwise.. Todd had never even laid eyes on this building. It was completely hers, completely separate from her old life. There were no memories to haunt this place.. No reason to connect every sight with her old love. It had made it easier for her to move on, but now.. now every sight seemed infused with his presence. This room that had been hers, and only hers.. suddenly was a *shared* space, waiting to be reclaimed..

Don't be creepy. This is just stupid. Look, admit it--that woman got to you. She *scared* you. Anyone would be jumpy after that. But it's not real. Just close your eyes, take deep breaths.. Calm yourself down. You don't need those pills, you're quitting them, remember? Just look around, to settle your mind, and go to bed. It will all be better in the morning. Thus pacified, she turned around..

..and she was back in the Penthouse, at the foot of the stairs, the sprawl of Llanview's brief skyline below her in the picture window and the staircase winding in front of her, leading her to the place where he was waiting for her..

the stairs beneath her feet as she slowly ascended

the sound of his voice, from very far away

and that old, familiar longing, in the chill of that place they shared together, to warm herself in his arms

when he really would be waiting for her this time, for once, forever

She gasped and closed her eyes, whirling around to run from the room--and nearly ran into a wall. She opened her eyes to find herself in a completely different room of her apartment, having wandered away somehow into the hallway. Whirling around again, she half expected to see her old home somehow juxtaposed with her new one, only to stare into the yawning darkness of her bedroom. What..? She leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, and gathered her thoughts. She wasn't in the Penthouse anymore, wasn't with Todd anymore, that was almost two years ago now.. She was somewhere else now, in her new apartment on the other side of Llanview. Her mind whirled with confusion. What is wrong with me, she thought breathlessly, trying not to panic. What on earth is happening?

She picked her way through the dark, into the kitchen. Okay, sleep was not in the cards just now _ maybe a little midnight snack, a drink maybe. Something to quiet her nerves. She opened her refrigerator, taking comfort in the familiar white light, but she wasn't hungry, and there wasn't anything to drink.. Not for the kind of drink she was thinking of! She closed the door. It was time to call someone, she was starting to scare herself. Perhaps Jordan wouldn't mind a surprise visitor.. or Carlotta.. Tea suddenly longed for her comfort. But she had leaned on her *so much,* she hated to ask more of her. She could handle it on her own, of course she could. What, after all, did she have to fear?

"Todd?" she said aloud, experimentally. "Are you there?"

She stood very still, waiting.. for what, she didn't know. It didn't matter anyway, because nothing happened. See? Nothing. What did you expect? She chuckled with true relief. She was definitely losing it there for awhile. Maybe she *had* been working too hard. This was pretty bad really, she was seeing things.. She poured herself a glass of water, and headed back to her bedroom (leaving the kitchen light on), feeling calmer.

At first. But didn't she hear that sound? No, it wasn't possible. Those weren't footsteps matched to hers. They couldn't be. She ignored them, tried to.. She found herself again on her bed, seated and shivering, searching the night for some sign of him, for some sign of what was going to happen. Back in a bed that they had never shared, that had been shared instead with other men, other memories, other loves.. In her attempts to banish the one love from her mind, the one that had never been consummated..

"What do you want, Todd?" she whispered into the darkness. "What do you want me to do?"

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," she answered herself, and then wondered why she had said it.

She was truly afraid now. But there was no one that she could call, no one that could help.. Because then she was going to have to tell them that she was surely losing her mind. Haunted by the specter of a man that had been gone from her for as long as he had been with her, twice over.. Hadn't she been haunted by that the entire time? Was she only now acknowledging it? Poor, poor Tea, who just couldn't get her life together. Well, she wasn't going to let them know, she hadn't, and she wouldn't. Then.. what? Live forever with the ghost of an old love?

Determined, she rose from her bed this time, and stared down the darkness. "I'm not afraid," she said aloud. She walked down the hall, trailing her fingers along the walls. "I'm not afraid," she said again. She believed it more every time she said it. In the drawer of her desk, in the living room, she found the thing that she was looking for-- the photo. The one photo that she had still kept, one of Starr, Todd and herself, smiling. It had sat on her mantle for a time but eventually she had to put it away, because it made her sad. She looked at that familiar face, calling him into her mind.

She paced around the room, holding that picture. She knew she was probably losing it, but didn't care. If he was there, he would hear her.. what would she want to say? "I'm not afraid," she said a last time. "You hear that?" She wasn't afraid anymore. As soon as she had laid eyes upon his face, the reflection of that picture of a happy time so very long ago, she had been overtaken by another emotion.. one of deep, dark sadness. Loss. Grief, finally spilling over the dam. "Dammit Todd," she said, finally allowing herself to break, a tear glistening on her cheek, "how could you do this to me?"

She couldn't hear a response, but she didn't need one. "It's not fair," she whimpered. "I was waiting for you, all along. I didn't know it, but I was. And now you're gone." She lowered herself to the couch, curling up protectively. "I loved you with everything in me, and when you left, it emptied me out.. I've watched myself be this other person for so long now, but it's not real.. it's not even me! You knew it all along, didn't you, that it was all my kind of scam.. You ruined my streak, Todd.." She laughed, a note of hysteria creeping in. And then, so softly, she went on: "I would have followed you to the last, you know that? Right or wrong.. Even at the last, I would have gone with you.. Would have followed you into the fire.. just to be with you.." She sniffed, covering her eyes with her palms.. and when she removed them, her eyes were lit with another, stranger fire.

"That's what you came back for, isn't it?"

The window. Walking to the window, feeling something dragging her back. She had been muddled before, but now she felt clear, so very clear. She opened the window, feeling the chill breeze alight on her tearstained face. "I know what I have to do now," she said flatly. She looked at his picture a last time. "What I should have done then. Followed you." She dropped the picture, and listened to the frame clatter against the floor. She was hypnotized, somehow. Reaching through the window. Climbing over the sill.

She came into herself suddenly, balancing between life and death, the words spilling from her mouth before she could acknowledge them. "No. Never meant to follow. You were never meant for me. Meant to live, and go on, and shine brightly for both of us."

She gasped at the distance beneath her, the long drop, the yawning pit. She was a heartbeat from falling.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" she howled into the blackness, not knowing whether it was for herself, or for Todd, or for both of them.

She fell

from the windowsill

to the floor of her apartment, and remained there, shivering, until the morning light.

******************************************************************************

Madame Le Marque looked up at her with those old, old eyes and frowned. "My dear, you should not have come back. There is nothing more that I can tell you."

"I don't need you to tell me anything. But just one thing. Do you still see him? Is he still with me?"

She nodded slowly.

"Can you talk to him, does he hear you?" Tea approached slowly. Her entire frame seemed on the verge of collapse, as though she would crumple like a house of cards at the slightest breeze. But still she stood, shaking, before this woman that would deliver her doom.

The woman took a deep breath, then looked her in the eye. "Is there something you would like to say? Something to ask him?"

"Yes." Tea stepped into the light, and Madame Le Marque gasped in shock at her stricken face. She looked as though she had visited hell, and not made it all the way back.

"Tell him to go away," she whispered.

The seer stopped, holding her breath. "Do you really mean that, my dear? Are you sure?"

Tea nodded weakly. "Yes, yes.. I can't-.. Oh Todd, I'm so sorry, I couldn't take it.. I loved you too much.. Always.." She continued to whisper, incomprehensible, as Clara approached her. She took her by the shoulders for support, and gazed beyond her, focusing her will.

Tea continued to rave, delirious and despairing, until she felt something give within her, and finally collapsed in a heap before Madame Le Marque's table, sobbing as though her heart had been ripped from her body. At that moment, every candle in the room, simultaneously, was extinguished.

[He came riding fast
Like a phoenix out of fire flames
He came dressed in black with a cross bearing my name
He came bathed in light and the splendor and glory
I can't believe what the Lord has finally sent me

He said dance for me, fanciulla gentil
He said laugh awhile, I can make your heart feel
He said fly with me, touch the face of the true God
He made me cry with joy at the depth of my love

Cause I've prayed days
I've prayed nights
For the Lord just to send me home some sign
I've looked long, I've looked far
To bring peace to my black and empty heart

My love will stay till the river bed run dry
And my love lasts long as the sunshine blue sky
I love him longer as each damn day goes
The man is gone and heaven only knows
Cause I've cried days
I've cried nights
For the Lord just to send me home some sign
Is he near? Is he far?
Bring peace to my black and empty heart
So long day
So long night
Good lord, be near me tonight
Is he near? Is he far?
Bring peace to my black and empty heart]

END

[All verse contained within taken from PJ Harvey's album To Bring You My Love: in order, "To Bring You My Love," "Send His Love To Me," and "The Dancer"]