Actual Answering Machine Messages
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world
famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
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"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message."
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money."
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(Narrator's voice) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his
arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no,
his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a
message."
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"Hi. Now you say something."
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"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep. . .Hello. I am David's answering
machine. What are you?"
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(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you
leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call
sooner!"
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"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
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"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you
want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to
the phone."
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"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you."
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"This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call."
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"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
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"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
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"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
home and it's safe to leave us a message."
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"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
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"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is
no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you."
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"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
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"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So
leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back
to you..."
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
