Computer Helpline Lunacy
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old 5.25"
floppies. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose
the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes
then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised her customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
room to close the door to his room.
Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the
man was attempting to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of
his monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of
friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
geeks."
Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub and soaking the
keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
Yet, another Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses should not be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button. Her response: "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say his brand new
computer wouldn't work. He said he unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
asked what happened when he pressed the power switch, he asked, "what
power switch?"
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this tech support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is, how may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on the front of it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
* * *
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and
she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into
itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer
would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,
and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would
open it and read it."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to
a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about,
and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down
exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah,
that's it!"
Other Lunacies Non-Computer Related. . .
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store would have a
battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a
long walk."
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of paper.
What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
Email: aaronsteinmetz@yahoo.com
