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Poems that make us think of Katelin
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(there will be A LOT MORE TO CAME)
I had my first child when I was
only 16. I was so happy to have her. She was a planned pregnancy, both her father and I
wanted a baby. She was tiny when born, 5lbs 8ounces, even though she was full term.
My pregnancy was uneventful. Everything went smoothly except that I had trouble gaining
weight. She was born in June of 95. She grew fast, she was a joy to take care of, really
happy, just basically a real good baby.
Just before her first birthday her dad and I got married and within a month I was pregnant
again. We wanted another baby just like Juliet as soon as possible!! Everything was fine
for weeks until one night I started spotting. I was very worried but I didn't do anything at
first cause I had heard that I was normal for some women to spot. The next morning it
was worse and I went to the hospital. The ER doc checked me and said my cervix was
still closed so I had a 50-50 chance of miscarrying. It was a Sunday so they couldn't get
an ultrasound tech in, so I had to come back the next day. I went home and cried and
cried. My husband Frank was out of town so I called him and told him what was going on.
He was so worried!! My mom took care of Julie and I and took me back to the hospital
the next morning. They did the ultrasound and said I couldn't possibly be 8 weeks along
because they could barely see anything there. When they found it they wouldn't tell me if it
was alive. The guy said it was the doctor's job. So then when I got back to the ER with
the pictures the doc told me my baby was dead. It hurt so bad. They made me stay there
all day and that evening they gave me a D and C. I don't remember much other than
waking up in the recovery room crying so hard I couldn't talk. It was a horrible
experience!
I was so depressed for so long and I was scared to try again. But we did about a year
later. Partly for us but mostly for Juliet. We wanted her to have a sibling and we didn't
want them to be too far apart. I was pregnant again almost immediately! I was excited
but also scared, I didn't want to lose my baby. I made it almost 8 weeks before I lost it. It
was horrible. I was bleeding and having horrible cramps. It hurt me so bad!! My doctor
told me after the D and C that if we still wanted to try, to try right away cause sometimes
after the uterus is cleaned out the embryo can attach itself to the wall easier. We talked a
lot about it and finally decided to try again right away, as soon as I stopped bleeding. We
weren't supposed to have intercourse for 3 weeks so that my cervix would heal. Well we
gave in to passion once after only 2 weeks and then I said we would wait until after my
period to try when I knew I was ovulating.
Well it turned out I was late, went and got a pregnancy test and, BINGO pregnant again!!
So this time everything went OK and at 30 weeks I found out we were having another girl.
Our sweet Baby Katelin was born in March 98. Julie was sooooo excited to be a big
sister. I was so surprised she wasn't jealous with Katie. She loved to sing to her. Katelin
was a healthy newborn. Another happy baby who was easy to take care of. She made
our family complete. I don't think I had ever been as happy as I was when I gave birth to
her and she was healthy.
It was the same as any other night, I nursed her to
sleep cause she was fussy and didn't want to take the bottle. She
didn't feel like sleeping in her cradle I guess, so about 11:30 I took
her to bed with me. She only nursed for about 10 minutes cause she had
drank a lot of formula. She fell right asleep and that was it. I fell
asleep right away too and Frank came to bed around midnight and we all
slept right through until 5:00. Franks alarm went off but I didn't
even hear it. He had trained himself to shut it of in like 2 seconds
so that it didn't wake up Katelin. He got up and woke up his uncle who
was sleeping on the couch and then he came back to bed. Katelin was in
between us and he slipped right back in without waking her up. He
couldn't see her cause the sun wasn't up enough yet to give light
through the blinds, and he later told me he was proud of himself for
not waking her when her got back into bed cause most times he did.
Anyway, he went back to sleep, but not real deeply, His uncle was
making noise, getting ready to go to work and Frank had to get up by
6:30 to go to work. He was kinda 1/2 awake and the sun had gotten
brighter and the light from the living room was lighting the bedroom a
bit and he just looked over at her and me. She was sleeping on her
back, as always, and her face was turned away from him, but he said
she just didn't look right, so he sat up to look at her and that's
when I woke up. He was screaming, "Sarah, what's wrong with her?" and
I just pushed myself up real quick and looked, I was 1/2 asleep and I
swear I was about to say,"nothings wrong with her," And then I touched
her arm and kinda gently pushed at the same time. Only her arm sould
have moved and she should have jumped a little from the movement and
opened her eyes and then I could have said,"nothings wrong with her."
But insted her whole body moved from that little push and she didn't
wake up. Frank ran to the door and switched on the bedroom light and I
was in the process of grabbing her to pick her up and then I saw the
bruising on the side of her face, where the blood had pooled and I
just said,"She's gone." I picked her up and Frank started
screaming,"no" and ran out of the room yelling for the phone, and I
just went into shock holding her. She was so stiff I had to force her
arm down at her side and foam was coming out of her mouth. It was so
scarey, I just wanted it to be a dream. But the funny thing was, I
knew it wasn't, I knew she'd been dead for a while and I didn't even
try to give her CPR. I just knew it was too late and I wanted the
whole world to go away so that I could hold my baby. I felt really
peaceful, insted of panicked, I knew it was all over before it began.
But Frank came running into the room telling the 911 operator that his
baby wasn't breathing and the 911 operator wanted him to do
CPR and he was asking me to give her to him to let him try and I was
telling him no that it was too late. The operator kept telling him to
and I grabbed the phone and told the guy to listen, that it was too
late that she was stiff and cold and that the blood had pooled on the
side where she had been laying but he kept telling me to try. So I
threw the phone. I just wanted to hold her. Frank picked up the phone
and the guy was still telling him to try. So he asked me to please let
him try, so I layed her back down on the bed and he tried to get her
mouth open but she was so stiff she wouldn't open her mouth. He got
angry and ran out of the room and punched the door frame, splitting
open his hand, and I just picked her up and left the phone on the bed.
Frank came back in and helped me wrap her in a blanket and then I went
out in the livingroom and sat down on the couch and waited for the
ambulance to get there. Julie slept through all of it. I'm so glad!!
Frank's uncle was outside waiting for the ambulance, so Frank and I
were alone with her. I sang her, 'You are my sunshine' and 'When the
children cry' by White Lion. She was just so cold!! I couldn't warm
her up no matter what I did. I got up and sat down and got up and sat
down, I couldn't believe this was happening, I sent Frank in to check
on Julie and then the paramedics got there and I just told him, no
rush,it's too late. He sat down beside me and checked her pulse and
shook his head and said he was sorry. Frank went in the kitchen and
called my parents and then I asked him if he wanted to hold her and he
did for about a minute. I was calm and thinking and he was a mess,
crying so hard he couldn't talk. His hand was still bleeding. I asked
the paramedic to take her out to the ambulance before my parents got
there, I didn't want them to see her unless they prepared themselves
first. It was just a horrible morning!! The medical Examiner got there
shortly after my parents and took my parents to see her, and she
looked Katelin over and told us there had to be an autopsy but she was
pretty sure it was SIDS. Katelin was fine, she did have the sniffles a
few days before, but she was getting over that. I just can't believe
it really happened. I can't believe I had to plan a funeral for a
liitle baby of mine. I hated it, I felt so detached, I didn't cry much
for days, I just tried to memorize every thing about her when I held
her the next day. But it wasn't the same. She felt really hard, like a
plastic doll, and she was swollen, and she had make-up on. It just
didn't seem like my little girl. I looked under her bonnet and saw the
huge cut on her head from the autopsy and then I couldn't stop
imagening what the rest of her body looked like. We picked out a
beautiful pink and white lace casket for her and I put her in it
myself. I tucked her in and gave her, her little baby doll. We went
and bought her a tiny gold cross and had her buried in it, and at the
viewing other people put some stuff in like letters and a rosery.
Julie put a little pink rose in with her. At the funeral we played
'Tears in Heaven' and 'When the children cry'.It was a nice service
except the priest who my father in law got, called her Kathy. I was so
pissed about that, I corrected him right then. I felt like adding, you
idiot, to the end. I wrote her ulogy and I read it plus I read her a
letter I wrote to her when I was pregnant with her. The funeral home
that we delt with could not have been better, they bent over backward
to accomodate everything we wanted. Especially our funeral director,
Sheldon, he cried at her funeral, and that meant a lot to me. I miss
her so much Jean, I just want to relive those 4 months again. I know
one thing for sure though, I'll never take this new baby for granted,
I don't know how long it will take Frank and I to be able to put it
down.
It was definitely the worse
thing I've ever been through. Losing the other babies at 8 weeks couldn't possibly
compare. It's been eight months since she died and I cry for her often. I miss her every day. I don't
think the hurt I feel will ever go away. I just want to go to heaven and see her again and
meet my other two babies.
I got a positive pregnancy test 2 weeks ago. I'm 7 weeks along and I have my fingers
crossed. Pray for my Julie. She really wants to be a big sister again. I really want to hold
another baby in my arms. I hope all goes well. And my heart goes out to all of you. Don't
give up. Kids are worth it!!!!
.
There will be more to come please visit agian!!! This site is a surprise for a very dear friend so sign her guest book so she will know you were here.
BECCA's Mommy
SIDS Awareness
SIDS Network
SIDS Guide
The American SIDS Institute
Pictures Of Love: SIDS Memorial Page
SIDS Stories
"The Book Of Life"Wonderful Tribute To Loved Ones.
