[In the courtroom. Arnab seated at clerk’s position; Blake standing at bailiff’s post. Music starts]

Gibbs: This is the People’s McCourt. The people are real… the cases are real… the judge is intoxicated. [Bell rings three times]: Introducing first, the plaintiff: from the Land of Mystic Salts, “Nucleophilic” Neil Young! [Neil enters and takes the plaintiff’s stand]: And his opponent, from the underground cavern of Zaznamidia, “Bedfast” Beril Unver! [A gurney with Beril in it is wheeled in by nurses, followed by a full-on life support system, respirator, etc.]

Blake: All rise! [The court stands. Logo shows on screen as Sarah enters and takes the judge’s seat]

Gibbs: The plaintiff accuses the defendant of giving him narcolepsy and a raw vegetable fetish. Shortly thereafter, the defendant became comatose after being struck in the head with a block of Port Wine cheese. [Logo fades off-screen, Sarah sits down, as does everybody else]

Blake: All parties be sworn in, the court is yours, Your Honor

Sarah: Thank you Bailiff. [Looks around table]: Did you put the swearing Bible back on the table?

Blake: Uh, no, I have not seen the Bible. [Hear a clicking sound, then show Neil unsuccessfully attempting the light the Bible on fire]

Neil: Die, propaganda, die! [Blake grabs Bible from Neil, places it on table]

Sarah: Alright, court is now in session [Bangs gavel, which is actually a potato with a pencil stuck in it. Looks at Neil, who has a sadistic smile on his face for a brief second]: Clerk, read back the plaintiff’s last line.

Arnab: D-d-d-die propag-g-ganda, die! [Sarah chuckles to herself]

Sarah: Then let’s get started. Mr. Young, please present your case. [Neil shuffles his papers and stands up]

Neil: Well, Your Honor, I… [Suddenly falls asleep and drops to floor. Blake sounds an air horn, startling Neil back to reality. Neil pulls himself up to a standing position]: Sorry. Anyways, the defendant presented me with a pie.

Sarah: What type of pie?

Blake: There are many types of pie.

Arnab: Apple pie?

Gibbs: Was it pumpkin pie?

Sarah: A Shepherd’s pie?

Blake: Poontang pie?

Neil: Actually, it was a cherry pie. [Everybody lowers shoulders in disappointment]

Sarah: Why did she give you this pie? [Neil starts sobbing]

Neil: She ran over my cat! [His words are slurred and hard to understand, he covers his face in shame as he sobs quietly]

Sarah: Clerk, read back the last line

Arnab: Read b-b-back the llllast line…

Sarah: Not mine! The last line by somebody else!

Arnab: Read b-b-back the lllast line…

Sarah: That was my line again!

Arnab: No it wasn’t, I j-just read it back to yyyyyyou…

Sarah: Agh!!

Gibbs: We’ll return after this break! [Fade to black, commercials]

--------------------------------------------------

[Back from commercial break]

Gibbs: The People’s McCourt continues…

Sarah: Okay, so the defendant ran over your cat, then gave you a cherry pie, and you consumed it?

Neil: Yes, Your Honor

Sarah: And?

Neil: As a result, I now suffer from narcolepsy and a raw vegetable fetish.

Sarah: What makes you think that?

Neil: Two days after eating the pie, I was walking down the street. Then I suddenly passed out. I woke up a day later behind the Four-Star, pinned under a rusted shopping cart.

Arnab: Mmm… shopping cart…

Neil: I’d like to submit Exhibit A. [Holds up a file folder]: These are pictures a homeless man took of me while I was passed out behind the Four-Star. [Blake takes folder and hands it to Sarah. Sarah looks inside folder]

Sarah: Do you think you’re funny, Mr. Young?

Neil: No, I…

Sarah: ‘Cuz you’re not funny!

Neil: I know…

Sarah: This folder is empty, and I am not amused! You don’t play jokes in here! This is my courtroom!

Neil: There were photos in there!

Blake: I didn’t see any photos. [Closes a hidden pocket in his jacket]

Sarah: Pull anything else like that, Mr. Young, and you will be found in contempt! [Raises potato gavel high, Neil moans and starts drooling]

Neil: Ah… mmm… [Sarah puts gavel down]

Sarah: Something wrong, Mr. Young?

Neil: No, Your Honor, I… [Drops to ground asleep again. Awkward pause. Beeping from Beril’s life support machine wakes him up]

Sarah: Quiet, Miss Unver, you’ll have your turn later! [Neil stands up]

Neil: So, as you can see, Miss Unver maliciously used this genetically engineered pie to reconstruct my brain actions, rendering me incapable of living of a normal life.

Sarah: Is that all?

Neil: Yes, Your Honor.

Sarah: What is your response to this, Miss Unver? [No response]

Neil: Your Honor…

Sarah: Shut up, Neil. Is any of this true, Miss Unver? [No response]

Neil: She’s in a coma…

Sarah: Mr. Young, you had your turn! Miss Unver, if you fail to respond, I will find you in contempt! [No response]: You are in contempt! [Throws a potato at Beril, striking her in the head. Beril returns to consciousness]

Beril: Huh… hey, what’s going on? [Neil dives to ground, begins licking potato]

Neil: Mmm… Riboflavin [Drools]

Gibbs: People’s McCourt will return shortly. [Fade to black, go to commercials]

--------------------------------------------------

[Back from commercials]

Gibbs: The People’s McCourt continues. [The court is very quiet, Sarah is nowhere in sight. Neil has completely ingested the potato and returned to his stand. The life support equipment and nurses are gone, leaving Beril alone and standing at the defendant’s post]

Blake: Where the hell is she? [Sarah stumbles in from judge’s chambers, as a puff of green smoke appears behind her, then dissipates. Sarah sits down and bangs gavel]

Sarah: Sorry for the delay, court is in session. Miss Unver, would you like to respond to Mr. Young’s statement? [Beril stands up]

Beril: Indeed I [coughs while speaking]: would, Your Honor.

Sarah: Huh? What did you say? Clerk! [Arnab looks around nervously, can’t find the record sheet]

Arnab: It’s g-g-g-gone! Where d-did it… go? [A piece of paper falls out of Blake’s jacket]

Blake: Oh, shit. [Picks it up and hands it to Arnab]: I was just keeping it warm for you.

Sarah: Whatever… proceed, Miss Unver.

Beril: Thank you, Your Honor. This is no doubt a preposterous attempt by Mr. Young to undermine me. This lawsuit is inconsequential, and a waste of everybody’s time. I ask that it is immediately dropped, and no damages incurred to either of the parties involved in this manaclostic travesty of justicity!

Sarah: What the hell did you just say?

Beril: Your Honor, I was speaking with perfect articularity!

Sarah: Clerk, please read back Miss Unver’s last two statements. [Arnab glances over paper, Sarah chuckles a bit. Arnab looks up at Sarah in disdain, tears the sheet up]

Arnab: I hate yyyyou.

Sarah: You’re in contempt! [Throws a potato at Arnab, knocking him unconscious. She bangs the gavel several times]: Judgement for the plaintiff in the amount of fourteen dollars and thirty-seven cents! Court is adjourned. Everybody get the hell out! [People start leaving]

Neil: Thank you, Your Honor. [Neil starts to exit. Sarah bangs gavel]

Sarah: Plaintiff, be in my chambers immediately! Bailiff… your handcuffs, please… [Blake casually hands Sarah the handcuffs, looks at Neil]

Blake: The judgement be in yo’ favor! [Sarah goes into her chamber, Neil follows slowly. Blake is left alone in the chamber as it fades to black]

Gibbs: We’ll be back with the comments of the people. [Commercials]

--------------------------------------------------

[Back from commercials]

Gibbs: We’re back in the Main Square, with the customary interviews that take place after the trial. [Approaches a short asian guy]: You sir, what is your name?

Asian: Binh…

Gibbs: What did you think of this case…

Binh: Dunno… [Gibbs turns away]

Gibbs: Okay… [Walks over to another person, incidentally, it is Mark Santana]: You there, what is your name?

Santana: Mark Santana…

Gibbs: And what is your opinion of what just transpired in that courtroom?

Santana: I want my damn safety pins! [Walks away in disgust]

Gibbs: Um… [Spots Beril]: Hey! The defendant! [Runs over to talk to her]: Hello, Miss Unver, what do you think of what just happened?

Beril: Well, I believe both parties had the fair opportunity to present their case, and the judgement went against me. For some reason, the judge couldn’t see through Neil Young’s evil plan to discredit me on cable access TV and take my fourteen dollars and thirty-seven cents I would have spent on feminine products. But don’t worry about me, Beril Unver’s gonna be just fine! [Beril leaves, Gibbs faces camera]

Gibbs: Defendant feels fine, what about the plaintiff? [Neil rushes up, short of breath and sweating profusely]: Mr. Young, what is your opinion on…

Neil: Please… help me… I… I… [Looks back, runs down the hall, screaming]: FREEEEEEDOOM!!!!!

Gibbs: Uh… [The screen goes entirely white for a second, then returns to normal. Gibbs is staring at screen, somewhat dazed. Neil yells from off-screen]

Neil: Ah! [Theme music cues up]

Gibbs: Before we go, let’s take a look at our on-line polls! [Show on-screen, entire pie chart is red]: Okay, so 100% of our one unique visitors said they had no opinion on the case… We’re out of time. I’m Erick Gibbs, saying, see you next week for another episode of “The People’s McCourt”