The Death of Jesus [On a bagel]
Cast of Characters
Scene 1: [By a hollowed out tree. Peter and Thomas are playing checkers]
Peter: I still don’t get this game.
[Thomas moves a piece]
Thomas: Me neither… what’s the point of the red squares if ya never use them?
Peter: We should ask Jesus, he knows everything...
Thomas: But where is Jesus anyway? I have not seen him on this Sunday afternoon. Have you?
Peter: No, I have not seen him either… what’s that, over there!?
[A glowing yellow flame flares up, and then Jesus is standing before them]
Thomas: Jesus Christ!?
Jesus: Yeth. Anybody want a bagel?
Peter: Where’d you come from? Where’ve you been since Thursday?
Jesus: Some followers you are, you silly apostles!
Thomas: Honour us with a tale of what happened, great Saviour!
Jesus: Very well, if you insist…
[Fade into flashback scene]
Scene 2: [In a judge place. Pontius Pilate sits at the bench. Jesus slowly marches into the room. Rabbi Motz is present.]
Pilate: We are in order now As a... gift from the Romans to... the Hebrews at... Passover, you may now exchange one prisoner for another... Rabbi?
Motz: We the Hebrews choose you, Jesus Christ!
[Points at Jesus]
Pilate: Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Pilate: I hereby am sentencing... you to die on the cross... tomorrow at noon.
[Enter Soldier]
Soldier: We’re out of crosses, you stupid bastard.
Pilate: What, man!? Out of crosses!? How is it... possible!? I... don’t know!
Soldier: Sorry sir, some bastards in white hoods stole all of them last night.
[Exit quickly]
Pilate: Then how... are we going... to kill Jesus!?
Motz: How about a bagel for Jesus!?
Jesus: No thanks, I can’t say this experience is making me hungry.
Motz: Not to eat, you schmuck! For the crucifixion!
Pilate: What the hell’s a bagel?
[Motz pulls out a bagel]
Motz: This is a bagel!
[Hands it to Pilate]
Pilate: How in the world will we crucify him with... this?
Motz: It's only done to 1/100th scale, putz!
Pilate: Very well, make it happen by... tomorrow.
[Exit Motz. Pilate starts to eat bagel, spits it out]
Pilate:This tastes terrible... Take him... away!
[Soldier on-screen, removes Jesus from scene]
Jesus: Stop it! That tickles! Watch it, I’m sensitive!
[Soldier returns]
Soldier: It is done sir, now, your bloody monologue...
[Exit Soldier, Pilate stands]
Pilate: What is this feeling inside of me? Man, what have I done? Have I sent an innocent man to die? No, it is far worse than that. Whoa man, I have sent the only Son of God to die!
[Rushes into a room with a pot]:
Pilate: No! So much guilt… eating away inside of me… I must wash wash my hands of this!
[Dips hands into pot, Centurion General appears from behind]: Pilate: My hands won’t come clean!
[Dips hands into pot and splashes on his face, trying to wash it]
General: Sir, that’s a chamber pot.
[Pilate is irate, mutters an expletive under his breath. Fade to black]
Scene 3: [In the scorching desert. Jesus and Other guy are dragging their bagels to be crucified. They are being led on by Roman Soldier. They walk in the heat for a few minutes then stop] Soldier: Whoa there! This is the spot!
Jesus: Oh, I don’t like this spot! The sand, it just doesn’t match my sandals.
Soldier: Shut up, you stupid King of the Jews.
Other: Look, can we just get this over with?
Soldier: Fine.
[They lay down on the bagels, Soldier duct tapes them down]:
Soldier: And up!
[Pulls the bagels to an upright position and leaves. Jesus and Other guy just sit there for a bit, until Motz shows up, and smears cream cheese and lox on them]
Jesus: What are you doing?
Motz: It’s just not a bagel without cream cheese and lox! Oy!
[Exit. Awkward pause from Jesus and Other] Other: So you’re the Son of God, eh?
Jesus: Yes.
Other: How’s that working out for you?
Jesus: Obviously not that great, silly.
[Awkward pause]:
Jesus: So what are you, big boy?
Other: I’m a musician.
Jesus: Oh?
Other: Yes, and I’ll be glad when I die. The world of music will be so much better. I suck!
Jesus: I
[Bagel starts to roll down hill, as Other starts to sing "Imagine"]:
Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
Bagel rolls away and out of sight. Camera focus on bagel as it rolls on the land, through a town, and eventually into a lake, full of WATER where it sinks straight to the bottom. I-RON-Y!]
