990629…
Rain of white falling—absence of color—images dropping swiftly from lofty
heights—settling noisily like discarded manhole covers—rattlingrattlingsettle to a
complete stop—solidify. Man in brown wool slacks and a white t-shirt sits
mezmorized in the flat glow of a laptop moniter—hotel room internet
connection—false name—new papers—thedrill is always the same—executive
suite—one window—no visitors—taptaptaptap destroy—white-collar
destruction—wave of the future……he who crashes the most hard drives
wins…literally.
The incessant tinkering-prodding-poking-testing….does karma exist? Send that
bomb young man and that banshee will be thrust upon you from the very last
direction you expect…
990628…
did you feel it man?
did you feel it pulling on you?
a sinewy tug from inside somewhere—tentacles attaching to all four poles—all
nerves in sync. friday was a nightmare of churning stomach muscles and the
hollowhollow feeling of hunger where there is none. my god damned throat
closed up for chrisssssssssSAKE! wantwantwant rebellion of biology. my own
body working against/for me lashing out with dastardly preventative measures.
you were there for the big come down. it hurts. not like real pain…a
numb…unreal pain…a general feel of discomfort from head to toe.
but the want didn’t go away.
it didn’t go away.
woke at 2-ish[I think]saturday and was able to keep myself from re-enacting hurly
burly. actually [i] had nothing to do with it, ‘twas the esophagus and lady Sinus
that would not cooperate. Spent the majority of the day weaving in and out of
conversation and actions trying to conceal my thought process…..
‘when will I be able to do more…’
created a solitary feeling, a separation, a complete separation from what I was
saying/doing/fucking lost—in inner monologue—looking through eyes that were
only seeing shapes/forms/obstacles—the world never lending its narcissistic touch
of reality to my senses. i watched an intriguing dance of characters[haze of
disassociation]casting their pebbles into the ring—making their bets—taking their
bets—collecting their prize—losing their prize. third-person megalomania is
fostered, heightened and [AMP]LIFIED…instead of an impulse of my mind, a
forced powerful severing of the umbilical cord…the mortal coil no longer feeding
off the electric energy in my brain…no longer a coppertop, no longer a
participant. eyes darting back and forth all day. I know what I want…I want
what I don’t know.
watched a grayish sunrise. the universe [my monitor] began blurring at the edges,
and my eyes were forced peripherally and I sat in silence as the sky moved from
purple-black to the dryerLINT-grey mornin’.
630[anti-meridian]beats your ass………….
sunday comes with relief of weekend cement filled nostrils and metallic
[heavy metal?]
slow—drip—throat. taking care of business. dealing with scenarios. vaguely
recalling spending five hours in pled-Jer/HATE manor waiting for the one-armed
man[well, he has a limp…]to make me a happy man with a narcotic i know isn’t a
match for my depravity…the depravity so deep that at 4am i drug my body home
to despair at the cost of millions of tiny blips on a computer screen. The one-
armed man is a n0-show.
[non-emotion]
noon…that cunt didn’t call…go figure…time to move about and do
SOMETHING!!!!!!ANYTHING!!!!!TODAY!!!!!!!
thank god and sonny jesus I had something to do today…motivation at a supreme
low…guttural. crawling on all 4zzzzzzzzzzzzz. i can feel it in my booooones.
another day wandering about wax faces…talkingtalking…kissing cheeks and
rubbing hands, trite bullshit discussion of who’s fucking who and who wants to
fuck him and why she wont fuck her until he fucks IT down into the carpet
gnashing ripping at the soft fleshy shoulder and GRINDING the small of her agile
back deep deeper into the rough surface…you’ll look like one of those Montel
Williams burn victim guests when I’m through wit'cha. no libido. no [sexual]
libido—my [violence] libido has rarely known it’s full weight, and it did not this
weekend, nothing elevated the adrenaline-seratonin-
et cetera…no emotion…but the cement foundation of a driveway barbecue
certainly allowed me to add to the list—smilesmilesmile…..one day this is the
face you’ll see over you, teeth clenched, brow furrowed, eyes black and
unseeing…the gush of crimson bubbling up and into your eyes….your messy
exit…..and don’t leave out any tasty details.
pulled myself away and to the pled-Jer/HATE manor again. better fucking have it
this time…he does. process complete, loss of two more hours…speedspeedspeed
home. hi sis…got the tea…be back in a second…fumbling over my own
feet…oldBULLlee in black, glasses, and hat…shiny plastic surface, a horrid red
heart encasing elvis…pop—pour—cut—obsess…oh
fuckFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
it hurts and cleanses and burns smell of dissolving septum metallic burning and
soft white explosions in midair…head back eyes closed hands on cock…
i’m home.
the come down is the numb-dull pain. i can solve this but it’s the beginning of the
end of the beginning…………of the end.
tough, fast, solitary weekend.
as[n]ever,
william
[post scriptum]
prurient : 1] marked by restless craving.
2] a)having lascivious thoughts or desires [lewd]
b)arousing such thoughts or desires.