Adam's Aptitude Tests

CHOOSE A TEST:

There was also a MEAT (Masturbatory Excellence Aptitude Test), made up by a caller, but I never wrote it down. Adam didn't make it up, but he thought it was funny. I remember two questions, which were: "Give yourself ten points if you've ever been caught masturbating, and twenty more if you resumed masturbating that moment, immediately after getting caught."

The GAT (Gay Aptitude Test)

Give yourself...

  • 5pts- If you wear a turtle-neck sweater unseasonably;
  • 5pts- If you eat yogurt more than twice a week;
  • 1pt- For every plant you have in the house, excluding marijuana and fly traps;
  • 3pts- For every plant you've named;
  • 1pt- For every pair of ankle high tennis socks you own;
  • 1pt- For every poster or picture framed in your room;
  • 5pts- For every poster of a musical or play;
  • 1pt- For every skin care product you own;
  • 5pts- If you have a padded toilet seat cover;
  • 5pts- If you have a shag carpet on lid of toilet tank;
  • 5pts- If you drink a lot of diet coke;
  • 5pts- If you have potpourri in your bathroom;
  • 1pt- For potpourri in any other room;
  • 3pts- If you wrap gifts in something other than newspaper or tin foil;
  • 5pts- If you have stationery;
  • 25pts- If you have a squeegee in the shower;
And finally, give yourself...
  • 100 pts if you've ever blown a guy.
If you scored...
  • Below 9 pts, you're straight.
  • Between 9 and 15 pts, then you're probably not gay, but pretty close!
  • Above a 17, then you've gotta be gay; or at least you're "a six-pack away from a blow job."
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The BEAT (Boobville Entrance Aptitude Test)

Give yourself...
  • 2 points for each of the following publications which you currently subscribe to:

      • Bigtop
      Gent
      Field & Stream
      Press Bonanza
      Hooterville
      Popular Mechanics
      Bra Buster
      Friskee Cut
      Melon Town
      D-Cup
      Milkin' Poppin'
  • Give yourself 5 points if you've ever been to Russ Mire's Bra Museum;
  • 10 points if you cried when you had to leave;
  • 15 points if you tried to hide so that you could run amuck with your pants down around your ankles after it closed;
  • 1 point for every time you've yearned to break free of the shackles of the oppressive man and start fresh in a place with a boob-shaped roller coaster;
  • 5 points for every time you've killed half a day at Victoria's Secret pricing bras for your girlfriend;
  • 3 points if you took home a catalog;
  • 10 points if you lied about the whole girlfriend part;
  • Deduct 1 point for each time you've agreed with Drew;
  • 1 point for every time you've perused the Big Top section of the local video store;
  • 3 points if you brought a sack lunch;
  • 5 points if you had your mom waiting out in the car the whole time;
  • Give yourself 1 point for each of the following skills you possess:

      • sheet rocking
      tin knocking
      tub caulking
      street walking
      trash talking
      sheer walling
      grab-a-hauling
      tree falling
      towel installing
      hog calling
      CPR
For some reason, no grading system has been devised. Sorry.

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The WHAT (Women's Heterosexual Aptitude Test)

Give yourself...

  • 5 pts- If you have ever made a collage out of clippings from a woman's magazine;
  • 1 pt- For every time you've faked an orgasm;
  • 5 more pts- If done while having oral sex;
  • 25 more pts- If done while he was in the bathroom;
  • 10 pts- If you own cullotes;
  • 10 pts- If you've ever gone out in cowboy boots and cycling shorts;
  • 5 pts- If you've ever uttered the phrase "right now, I just need to be held...";
  • 10 pts- If you think it's okay to punch your boyfriend while he's sleeping because you had a dream that he hit on one of your friends;
  • 15 pts- If whenever you go out with your female friends, the conversation quickly turns to menustration;
  • 20 pts- If you wish all women would magically put on 40 lbs;
  • 3 pts- For every stuffed animal you own;
  • 5 pts- For every one you've named;
  • 20 pts- For every one you've had an intimate relationship with;
  • 5 pts- For every time you've sworn up and down that you don't masturbate;
  • 3 pts- If you don't know how many cylinders your car has;
  • 5 pts- If you're not sure what a cylinder is;
  • 5 pts- For every workout video you own;
  • 5 pts- If you've never worked out to any of them;
  • 15 pts- If the only person that has worked out to them is your boyfriend;
  • 3 pts- If you've ever put unicorn decals on your fingernails;
  • 5 pts- If you've ever taped "Days Of Our Lives," "Beverly Hills 90210," "Melrose Place," or "Savannah";
  • Deduct 15 pts- If you've ever taped "This Old House";
  • 5 pts- If you have BIG hair; and,
  • 25 pts- If you've ever faked an injury to get out of sex.
No grading system has been provided.

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The SAT (Slut Aptitude Test)

Give yourself...

  • 20 points if you have more than 3 STDs;
  • 15 points if you've been told by all your ex-boyfriends that you suck harder than a hoover vacuum;
  • 15 points if your vaginal lips are looser than your mouth;
  • 50 points if you've had your tubes tied yet you still manage to get pregnant;
  • 10 points if you have to insert 3 tampons just for them to stay in;
  • 20 points if you can deepthroat a baseball bat;
  • 30 points if Star Trek offered you a job as a tractor beam;
  • 50 points if you're willing to swallow without him paying you;
  • 5 points if you're blonde;
  • 100 points if you've ever dislocated your jaw while giving head; and,
  • 50 points if you have your own 1-900 number.
If you scored...
  • 280-365 points - you're a slut.
  • 245-279 points - you're on your way there.
  • 210-244 points - you need to work harder.
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Email: ac_fanclub@yahoo.com