|
THE
INVENTION
|
DESCRIPTION
|
|
chip implanted into kids
|
A chip implanted into kids to allow parents to keep track of their children
|
|
|
ten-gallon yarmulka
|
(self-explanatory)
|
|
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The Mattrifice
|
A mattress with an orifice in it to vomit or urinate in
|
|
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phone breathalyzer
|
Much like a breathalyzer in a car, this device will not let the phone work unless you are sober. This way, you can't embarrass yourself by making stupid calls when you're drunk.
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crotchless kids
|
According to Adam, many problems (underage sex, venereal disease, etc.) occur either at or because of the crotch. Therefore, he wishes to breed hassle-free, crotchless kids, much like the way hairless dogs are bred.
|
|
| beer-yata
|
A pinata filled with beer |
|
| molestation
patch |
This
works under the same principle as nicotine patches. Those who were molested
at an early age put this patch on, so it makes them FEEL like they're being
molested. This way, they don't act out by seeking real, dangerous molestation
and abuse, since the patch satisfies their urge to act out. There can be
different kinds of molestation patches. Adam said, "You start with the
sodomy patch. As the cravings lighten up, you work your way down to the
hand-up-the-sweater patch. Then you can marry a guy who's not actually
molesting you or your daughter." |
|
| Anonymous
Town |
A
town that consists only of all the 12-step programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous,
Narcotics Anonymous, etc. Since many people need to attend several of these,
it would be more convenient if there was just a town that contained all
of them. |
|
| masturbation
cast |
A
cast designed such that those who broke their arm can still masturbate.
It has a specially sculpted and textured grip, as well as a lubricant dispenser. |
|
| post-mortem
disposal service (no official name has been provided) |
You
make a deal with this service such that after you die, workers promptly
come to your house and clean out embarassing stuff that you've been secretly
keeping, such as a huge stash of porn. This way, nobody else ever finds
out. |
|
| Personal
Rating System (PRS) |
This
is a theory, and not an invention. Adam claims that when it comes to dating,
everyone gives himself or herself a rating, from one to ten. This may be
done consciously or subconsciously. You have a better chance of hooking
up with someone who has a lower rating than you; the ultimate goal is to
date someone with a higher number.
People
rate themselves based on qualities that the opposite sex is looking for.
For example, guys might rate themeselves on their looks, position, car,
and personality. Women self-evaluate based on face, body, "manageability,"
and how they would react if they found their boyfriends' porn (according
to Adam). |
|
| fantasy
orphan island |
Take
all kids whose parents are teenagers and/or awful people, place them on
some remote island, and have Bill Cosby and Felicia Rashad raise them.
The kids can work towards something productive; maybe the island can be
one big amusement park. |
|
| computer
genitalia |
Either
a male or female digital sex "organ" for more realistic cybersex |
|
| crotch-sniffing
dogs |
Crotch-sniffing
dogs that are trained to be able to determine if someone has a sexually
transmitted disease |
|
| trance
music for teenage girls |
Music
that young girls should listen to in their sleep; this music subconsciously
instills morals in them, like "Don't have sex until you're 25," etc. |
|
| padded
condom |
Like
a padded bra, only it's a condom; the idea is to make the penis look bigger |
|
| molestation
detector |
Some
kind of way to tell if a person has been molested . . . "Like the seal
that's on the toilet when you first check into a hotel . . . some way to
know that someone's been there." |
|
| HFF
(Head Farting Foundation) |
A
charitable organization that works like this: Adam farts on someone's head
and pays him or her $500. He picks someone who is pressed for money so
that this person doesn't do something worse, like become a prostitute. |
|
| porn
collection service |
Workers
dressed up as garbage men come by to collect and safely store porn which
guys' girlfriends wanted thrown away; this way, no good porn is wasted |
|
| stick-on
nipple |
A
guy who has a problem with seeing his wife pregnant can stick this on her
abdomen so it just looks like she has another huge boob |
|
| Chia
Crab |
A
crotch-shaped Chia Pet with crabs growing in it; the purpose is to get
kids to scrutinize and learn more about them |
|
| The
Organ |
Porno
version of The Piano |
|
| pre-done
diaries |
Decoys
for when mom or dad searches your room |
|
| Uncle
Adam's Sperm Farm |
Like
an ant farm, but with sperm |
|
| condom
garter |
So
the condom stays on when pulling out |
|
| clip-on
nose rings |
(self-explanatory) |
|
| iron-on
tattoos |
(self-explanatory) |
|
| Shotgun
Beer |
openings
on the top, bottom, and sides of the beer can |
|
| beauty
pageant seat belt covers |
Seat
belt covers with labels on them like "Miss America" |
|
| The
Reverse-Psychology Anti-Bible |
Perhaps
reverse-psychology works better on kids: "Thou shall steal!" "Thou shall
covet!" |
|
| masturbation
apparel |
clothes
that are convenient for quick masturbation |
