Mood:  happy

My wife and I are big kids. We freely admit it. The other day we were talking about when we were kids and some how we discovered that we both played "Pick Up Sticks" as kids. You remember, the game where you dump bunch of sticks on the ground and try to pick them up with out moving them. Today I happened across a set, and bought them. Unfortunately my wife fell asleep before we could play so I sat around goofing off with them. thinking about the good old days of my youth.

    I started to think of what I wanted to be and do when I grew up. Now that I am grown up  I am not completely who I wanted to be, and have no done all I wanted. Now some of these dreams growing up were just normal kid stuff but I do believe that some of it is part of who I am, matter of fact a part of who we all are .The main things I wanted to be when I grew up, a scientist, an inventor, a Olympic Skier and an Evangelist.

    Lets see I have been a Missionary so that answers the Evangelist part. I do tend to be inventive when problems solving. As for science? Well I am a nerd at that. As for the Olympics... I do believe that was just being a kid.

   Now this all leads to the question, am I really the type of person I wanted to be? In some ways yes and others no. As I look back and remember who I was, and who I am now, I realize more of the direction I should head.  I have also looked from my little kid days, and into my young teen days and realize my heart and vision I once had. The passion and zeal for the things of God and my hope to be in full time ministry for the rest of my life.

   All of a sudden my compass seems to be stabilizing some. I finally realize what my next step is. I do believe God has been trying to tell me something. I need to return to my first love first. Not to try to figure out if I should move or not, not to strive to find a new job, not to figure out if I need to go back into ministry and not to kill myself trying to get out of debt.

   My next step is very straightforward I need to return to my first love. I simply need to start spending time drawing near to the Lord. I have been very negligent with my time with Him. If he was my wife, she would have left me by now. I need to recapture who I really am. Who God was forming me to be, in my youth.

  One last thought for everyone out their. What did you want to be when you grew up? How about when you were in your teens, especially your early teen years as you started to become who you are now? Are you some one you would approve of, or are you sorta ashamed of what you have become? or are you like me, a little bit of both. Some times looking back at where we have been is a great way to figure out where we are going. I am not just talking about the typical kid things but their are some heart things that are a part of us still. All I know is this, I looked back, and now, my immediate future while still cloudy, has a bit of sun poking through. I know what I need to do.

Well that's my thoughts for the night. If this sounds nuts let me know If it helped at all, also let me know.  Night folks!

.........Unfortunately I am much like Captain Jack in "Dead Mans Chest". My compass points nowhere, and everywhere at the same time. I know where I have been, and I have a broad idea of where I am going, but for the next step? Now that's quite a question.

I know my heart is for Sudan and youth. I would love to be youth pastor/missionary. I have several gifts that are useful for these things, all though some of them are underdeveloped. I am working on one of them. Writing is among the ones I have not developed but I am working on.

I am now a gas station attendant. Being paid 9.00/hour. I am living in a small apartment and am in lots of debt with not enough income to cover my debts. I need to make a lot more money then I am making to get out of debt. I want to be out of debt so that I can go into full time ministry and take care of my family. Which is just my wife at the moment but would like to expand that to include kids as well. I love kids and want kids but right now that does not seem like a viable option, so we wait.

Now I know what I need to do. I need to trust in him with everything. Just like i did when I was on YWAM staff. Just like I had one friend tell me "Isaiah I miss being on Staff, because even if you did not know where the money was coming from, at least you knew it was coming." that is so true. Even if you are working at a job, it seems harder to take care of things then when you are completely living by faith. Every day needs to be an exercise in faith. You need to trust in him for everything, every day every week, month and year. This is what I am not doing.

Matthew 6:33 (Amplified Bible)

33But seek (^[a]aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (^[b]His way of doing and being right), and then all these things ^[c]taken together will be given you besides.

I need to do this. I know the answer and I hope all my friends can help me do this. This is why this post!

well so much for my first blog. Drop me a line and let me know what ya think.