*Tony Montagne was a political refugee from Cuba. He is now a self-made millionaire in the import/export business. Tony is also a syndicated advice columnist for the Boston Globe, New York Times, and Miami Herald. The advice and views held by Tony are not necessarily the same as the views held by anyone else.*
Dear Tony,
I like this girl, but she won't give me the time of day...how do I get her to like me?
-Crushing in Carlsbad
Crooshing,
Joo got to put on da' charm, mane. Joo know what i'm sayin', mane? Joo go up to ha' house, joo knock on da' door, joo say helloh to ha' motha', but if she raise da' brow, she say helloh to ya' lil frond, mane. If dat beech don marry joo den, write me back!
Dear Tony,
There's this bully at school who hits me when i don't give him my lunch money. What should I do?
-Seven and Starving in Saskatchuwan
Lil Boy,
Foist, joo walk up to dis punk. Den joo plug him in the head wit joo lil frond..eef you don have a lil frond, sen ja monney to da' Tony Montagne lil frond fondashun, and i get joo one. How much dis bully take, five dollas? Joo send me dat five dollas, i get joo a lil frond.
Dear Tony,
I seem to have some pretty serious head wounds, and can't pick up many chicks. What can I do?
-Frank from Miami
Fwank!???
Is that joo? Fwank? I tot I fockin' keel you, mane! I tell joo how to get da' chicks. Joo go onto a fockin' farm and scwoo a hen, ja fockin' onimal!
