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2000 Archives
First off, allow me to welcome to you to the Calvin and Hobbes for President 2004 campaign web site. Second off, let me remind you that this site is under construction. Thirdly, I encourage all of you to check out this site as it grows into the eventual REAL White House web site following Calvin's victory at the polls in November, 2004. Also, I would like to personally invite you to visit the AfterLife section of this site, although it is not affiliated with Calvin 2004 campaign, but rather with my self. Enjoy!
-The Calvin for President Campaign Team
Affirmative Action
Calvin: We MUST affirm our actions! If we don’t, we are going to look weak, I don’t care if we are wrong, idiotic, or just plain stupid, we must do what we WANT to do!
Education
Calvin: We must ban the Department of Education, as it espouces something that would happen to be something I HATE! Schoolteachers must be fired, schools boared up or burned, and all books except for comic books and those about dinosaurs blacklisted.
Women’s Rights
Calvin: Women have rights? What the heck is that about? Women, or as they really are: GIRLS, have no rights. All girls must be put in shackles and sent off to Pluto on whatever spacecraft we have avalible! (Hobbes covers his face, heangs his head, and shakes his head several times)
Taxes
Calvin: We need to cut taxes by fifty-four per cent. Not just because it’s the weirdest number I could find this side of thirty-twelve, but due to the fact that Americans need a tax break!
Instant Gratifaction Act
Calvin: I believe that all kids should be able to hold their parents accountable. My Instant Gratifaction Act can help that. Any kid at any time can ask for whatever he wants provided that it will not physically or emotionally hurt himself or the parents more then half of the time.
Transmogrifier Act
Calvin: I have invented the most stunning machine out of one of America’s finest raw materials: corrugated cardboard! With the Transmogrifer we can turn anything into anything else! Even make the Rockies have a real Gold Rush, or even make our water pure, and our air breathable and unpolluted!
Detriot Lunar-Sun
CALVIN THROWS HAT IN RING!
By Ima Knoi Diot
Following the ridiculous announcement of Presidential ambitions by civil-rights activist the Reverend Al Sharpton, Calvin, best known for his hilarious antics in Bill Watterson’s comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, made a formal announcement that he too would be running for President in 2004.
Speaking in the little remembered capital of Augusta, Maine, following a Republicans for Sharpton (‘Cuz He Doesn’t Have A Chance Against Bush) rally, Calvin annouced his bid for the White House.
“What we need is a kid in the Oval Office,” Calvin said crisply, if not a little bit childishly, “We need to give kid’s rights. They need to be able to vote, and to run for office. Heck, my candidacy right now is a joke in the national press unless Congress passes a Constitutional amendment saying that six-year olds can run for President of the United States!”
After going on at length about how kids are abused and power from them has been usurped by adults and science. (“Which made it easier to people to get old, and wait before they kids, while adults used run things at the age of fourteen or fifteen.”)
Calvin also unvieled his new plan to prevent this, which is aptly named the Instant Gratifaction Act. It calls for kids to be able to do whatever they want, and stops parents from being able to control them.
Following this Calvin reiterated two stances from the past, his fifty-four per cent tax cut, and his Transmogrifer Act. The Transmogrifier Act allows the federal government to use Transmogrifers to make the air clean, and make any substance out of anything else.
Following Calvin’s yield to questions, one reporter sharply asked him about his controversial stand on education that caused him to lose a eighty-six point lead in the 2000 campaign.
Calvin said he hadn’t changed his stance at all, “Education is pointless and worthless. We need to abolish the Department of Education, and heck, abolish and get rid of education all together. Along with girls, all teachers can be sent to Pluto as soon as NASA sets up a mission date.”
Hearing this, several female reporters beginning looking nervously around, just as soon as another question, mostly like about his women’s rights policy; Hobbes, Calvin’s Vice-Presidential running mate, rose to the microphones and said that the press conference was over and that he would take no more questions.
Updated 28 April 2002
