ANYONE CAUGHT READING THIS FACES DEATH BY RUBBER CHICKEN!!!
Y’know, I don’t believe in god, but I sure as hell believe in the Devil. I believe in him because I happen to be on a first name basis with him.
So this familiarity is why that philosophy has pretty much become the driving force in my life lately. Cause you see, when you beat the Devil,
you know darn well that he’s just sitting down there, waiting and plotting on how to make your entire unnatural existence with him REALLY
unpleasant. Not a good thing. So what does this have to do with anything you ask? Simple enough, my wanting to avoid going to
H-E-double hockey sticks when I shuffle off my mortal coil is what led me to join up with Anarky and his crew. See, I’m trying to be a…
wait for it… nice guy. Sometimes I see this going straight business as the biggest trick of all, cause sometimes I wonder if I’m just tricking
But anyway… Anarky asked me if I wanted to join him and some others of ‘questionable morals’ he was rounding up in order to be a thorn
in the Doom Patrol’s side. You know the Doom Patrol, government lackeys who are prime candidates for dealing out some police brutality
if ever I saw any. I mean they hired the Executioner for cripes sake! That guy is just mean. And he kills heroes instead of humiliating them!
No class. So, first off, it was me, Anarky, this guy named Miscreant and Catwoman. I now know why they call her Catwoman, its because
you get this insane urge to growl at her like the dog you are the moment you see her. She is just so damn hot! I think she likes me too. Not
that she’ll admit or anything, but you can tell she does by the way she flirts so shamelessly with me. You should have heard her go on and on
about my pants.
So Anarky starts boom-tubing us here there and everywhere (scared the beejeebers out of me with the damn thing at one point, heard that
boom, immediately thought Wally’d appeared to bust me. Boy am I well trained.) to get more members. We saved Vixen and Bronze Tiger
from some good ole boys. Vixen joined up, but Bronze Tiger went on his way. Cool. Less competition for the attention of the ladies. We
also stopped by the place of this clown named Bobo Bonetti. Ok, so he wasn’t really a clown, but he also didn’t join up because he didn’t
want to violate his parole by associating with known felons. I can appreciate that.
Oh, it was around this time though when a speedster DID show up, but it wasn’t Wally. It was a young lady calling herself Nike. She
needed to find Wally and had zoned in on us because Anarky wears red like Wally does. So, she asks about where to find Wally, I tell her
(111 Willowtree Road, Central City, USA, 189354 in case you’re interested) but then I did the MOST BONEHEADED THING I’ve
done in a long time. Nike asks me if I’m a friend of Wally’s, I say no, he’s my adversary. DUH! So next thing I know, I’ve got a splitting
headache and my butt’s in jail. Swell. Sometimes my ego is a little much. Even I can admit that. Fortunately though, Anarky convinced Nike
that I really am a swell guy and she retrieved me from jail.
We next reboomed our steps back to Gotham. I should demand frequent flyer points or something. Me and Catwoman had to go to this bar
called Noonans. What a dive. And it had a DEMON keeping bar. At least I think it was a demon. All it kept saying was ‘Bator’. I hate
demons. So it was here that we met our next recruits, Tommy aka Hitman and his gun moll, this bit named Roxy who calls herself Freefall.
Guess those were gravity powers that slammed me into the ceiling. Very useful. So, they being ex Doom Patrolers themselves, they were
quite eager to get in on our game. Oh, and they only joined up after Anarky promised to pay them a lot too. Mercenaries. What can you
Next it seems Anarky had gotten wind of some new superperson creeping around, some chick with ice powers. After I was assured that he
was NOT speaking of Killer Frost (I refuse to work with her, she psychotic), he sent Nike to fetch her. Well Nike showed up with this ice
chick and an added bonus. She grabbed that Spoiler kid from Young Justice and brought her back to us. Great, just what we need, a
Batkid ruining our fun. But after we all traded a few insults, she went on her way, Anarky went to talk to her. Meanwhile, the rest of us were
left with the new ice chick. Turns out she’s Mr. Freeze’s widow, Nora. Never met him before, heard he was bad news, but Nora’s
definitely a good girl. We filled her in on why we wanted her to join. She agreed, the damn Doom Patrol were the ones who killed her
husband, but she laid out some very specific rules before she joined, mainly about no killing and stuff like that. No problems. She even
picked out a superhero name. She’s calling herself Snow. A little soft, but then hey, she’s no Killer Frost. Thank goodness. So Anarky
eventually returned and we left without further incident.
Of course, Gotham being the place it is, is just LOUSY with superheroes. A few minutes after adding Snow to our ranks, we also found
ourselves a brand, spanking new Green Lantern. A seventeen-year-old girl Green Lantern. I think they must grow them on farms or
something. I’d never heard of this one before. But she’d had a run in with the Executioner before, and was definitely up for a little payback.
So we continued merrily on our way, until we ran into HIM.
My first reaction was that the Batbrat had ratted us out. I mean, why else would the original Green Arrow be standing in the rain, cool as a
cucumber, waiting for us? I was expecting the JLA to come crashing down on us any moment. I didn’t think they’d give me, Anarky or
Catwoman the benefit of the doubt. But for once, I was wrong. Seems the Batbrat DID tell him what was up with us, and being the curious
do-gooder that he is, GA stopped by for a chat with us and surprise of all surprises, he was into getting his hands dirty with us and so he
joined up too. Never thought I’d be working WITH a Leaguer, but then, from all I’ve heard, Arrow was always the most… ah… liberal of
Having gathered all his merry men and women, Anarky FINALLY boomtubed us to his super secret hidden base. Not a bad place. Good
booby traps. We all had our separate rooms. Catwoman, that little minx, somehow managed to ensure that her room was right next to mine.
I decided I wasn’t terribly tired, so went to have a look around. Seems I wasn’t the only one with insomnia, as Green Arrow was still up
and he had a bottle of scotch with him. The man truly IS a hero. So he and I and Tommy shared a drink and some cigars while Anarky and
Snow were holed up in Anarky’s lab doing work. I probably should’ve felt guilty about goofing off while they worked, but nah. I deserve a
little relaxation now and then. Tommy’s a bit of a barbarian, but Green Arrow’s a pretty good guy overall. So eventually I retired.
Catwoman woke me up at one point by opening and slamming my door shut. Told you she likes me.
Next morning we all congregated for breakfast. Anarky’s a little uptight about people’s eating habits, but as he’s a teenager (that was the
morning’s BIG shock) he doesn’t realize that later in life, you NEED all those additives and preservatives to keep going. He’ll learn. So we
discussed how to get in and out of the base without having to rely on Anarky boomtubing us out. This lack of exit made some people rather
nervous. Not me though, I can always find my way out of a situation. We also tried to think of a name for our group and began to work on
some plans to take out the Doom Patrol. After all, that is the reason we were together. We came up with an idea to hack into their
computers and basically feed ‘em a little misinformation and then hit ‘em while they were split up. Sounded good to all of us. Gotta admit,
we work well together. I’ve got a good feeling about this group.
So after breakfast, and after Nike had left to find Wally and start on her own mission, we headed out to Manhattan to find the Doom Patrol.
And while there, I was suddenly struck by inspiration. This group still needed a name. A good name. Well, I thought to myself, we’ve now
taken it upon ourselves to ‘watch’ other teams and make sure they’re on the straight and narrow. And so, armed with this idea, I proposed
my idea to my team mates. They agreed and so the Watchmen were officially born atop a Manhattan rooftop. Terribly epic, don’t you
Well, things started hopping pretty quickly from almost the moment we decided upon an identity for ourselves, as we saw a young woman
being chased by some members of the non-superpowered-but-armed-with-big-guns division of the Doom Patrol. The girl looked to be in
serious trouble and it was Freefall who recognized the girl as a friend of hers. So Kid Lantern went in and took care of things, bringing the
girl back to us. Her name is Rainmaker, and sure enough, she’s a long lost pal of Freefall’s from, where ever it is they come from. Don’t ask
me where it is they come from, I just work here. Seems like an ok kid, but I kinda hope the next chick who joins our ranks is a little older.
So, Rainmaker and Freefall had a nice little reunion and got her caught up on local events and whatnot. She decided to join us. Not a hard
decision considering who’d been chasing her tail when we first saw her. The rest of us figured out where the Doom Patrol superhumans
were and if they’d split up or anything. How very lucky for us that they had. It was perfect, we hacked into their computers and were able to
find out that Obsidian, Ray and Hawk were in Soho, at an art gallery, bothering some paranormals named Illumini and Carnage. The rest of
the Patrol were out trying to round up Anarky. Kid’s infamous already! He’s definitley got potential. So Anarky decided that we would go
and party with the Patrolers in Soho. Seems the metas the DP were trying to arrest were actually registered like they should be, and hadn’t
committed any crimes. It looked like those facist pig Doom Patrolers were just arresting them for fun. … I just called them facist pigs. Swell.
I’m starting to tow Anarky’s party line now.
Anarky split us up into teams. Me and Kid Lantern were to go after Obsidian (next time though, I call dibs on being Catwoman’s partner)
while Freefall and Hitman were to take out Hawk. Anarky had decided that the best idea would be to try and turn some of the more sane
members of the Doom Patrol to our way of thinking, so he and Green Arrow were going to try and talk some sense into the Ray. The
others, Snow, Rainmaker, Catwoman and Vixen, were to try and make sure the Doom Patrol’s targets didn’t get up to any mischief. I also
came up with the brilliant idea of having Anarky shut down any communications ability the Doom Patrol have, so that they couldn’t call for
any backup. Sometimes I even manage to impress myself.
Well, it didn’t take us long to decide to go in after the Doom Patrol. Hawk was making a total ass of himself and Obsidian was being
threatening. I swear, can’t they have their hero membership revoked for doing stuff like that? What happened to being a HERO? I mean,
Barry never, EVER would’ve acted the way these guys do. Heck, even Wally, who doesn’t have Barry’s panache, wouldn’t act this way. I
just don’t understand it.
Anyway, its around now that things get… hectic. Ok, they get downright chaotic. I mean, I’m still not entirely sure what happened, and I can
really only piece together what the others have told me. Lantern and I went in. I, utilizing my Airwalking shoes (patent’s pending though,
wish the damn patent office’d hurry up), flew up to Obsidian and threw this really neat sticky stuff I’d been working on at him. Unfortunatley
the fink turned into a shadow. But Kid Lantern nailed him nicely. Those GL rings are one hell of a cracker jack prize! Next thing I know,
Anarky boomtubed Ray out of there, and left me in charge inside the art gallery! Me?! I mean, I know I’m good, but you can’t leave the
clown in charge of the circus… Freefall and Snow entered the fray, with Freefall attacking Hawk and assisting us with Obsidian. Snow froze
up the front of the gallery because someone else had arrived on the scene and was spraying bullets everywhere. That was NOT in the plan.
Turns out the Executioner, Deadshot and Peacemaker had shown up and had made the art gallery into a shooting gallery. Rat-bastards that
they are, they didn’t even care they were shooting up their own teammates. Anarky then blew out the front of the gallery so we’d all have a
way out. Somewhere in the midst of all this nonsense, Miscreant and Hitman were killed. Miscreant was pretty much gunned down. Tommy
though, he went out in style. He took the Executioner with him. I’m sure a lot of people are going to raise a glass of something in Tommy’s
honour when that news gets out. And he deserves nothing less. Arrow was forced to take down Deadshot, so eventually, the bullets
stopped flying and we were able to leave. We took Ray, and the bodies of Hawk and Exie with us. Seemed that Anarky and GA had
managed to get Ray to listen. Of course, Ray seeing some of his old team mates firing on his other team-mates with impunity may have had
something to do with his change of heart.
Oh, the weirdest thing I forgot to mention was that in the midst of all this, that IDIOT Captain Boomerang was in the gallery, trying to relieve
it of some paintings. He never did have much of a sense of timing. I tried to get him to follow me out, but I lost him during all the excitement.
I hope he made it out ok, even though I probably should’ve tried to stop him. But hey, you can take a guy out of the Rogues, but I guess
you can never fully take the rogue out of the guy.
Eventually, everyone, including our dead, got out of the gallery and Anarky boomtubed us back to base. It wasn’t exactly a happy
homecoming. Poor Freefall. She hasn’t taken Tommy’s death very well. Not that I blame her of course. Oh, and I lied, the OTHER
weirdest thing that came out of this, is that the Green Lantern who went rather wacko and called himself Paralax was back again. Ray told
us that the Doom Patrol had hired him. Paralax didn’t do anything to us though, thank goodness. I know Arrow and that Lantern used to be
good friends. I wonder if that’ll come in handy when Paralax comes looking for us. Ray also eventually informed us that he was a JLA plant
in the Doom Patrol. He was trying to work against them from the inside. Not sure if that makes him real brave or just as loony as they are.
Anarky immediately set to work on dissecting the Executioner. Gross, but I guess it had to be done. Seems he’s got all these mystical
tattoos on him and such and it’s probably these that allowed him to keep coming back. Some people really deserve to stay dead, and Exie is
at the top of that list. Problem is, I’m sure someone like Exie’ll be enjoying Neron’s hospitality, and he’s exactly the type Neron likes to
send back…. I shouldn’t think about things like that, it’ll give me nightmares.
This morning’s breakfast was a much more sombre affair than the previous morning’s, that’s for sure. Not quite the victory meal we’d
envisioned. Both Freefall and myself had a vodka morning. Snow didn’t approve, but c’mon, at least vodka goes with orange juice! That’s a
breakfast beverage if ever I’ve heard one. Especially under circumstances such as these. There was also a tense moment between Snow and
Ray. I mean, the Doom Patrol did kill her husband, so she wanted to know why Ray hadn’t done anything to stop Mr. Freeze from being
killed. But eventually they sorted it out I think.
We also tried to figure out our next step is. Anarky wants to go public about what happened and tell reporters about the fiasco at the Soho
art gallery. Not everyone was in favour of this. In fact, Catwoman decided to leave. She’s not into being a public figure. That sucks. I admit
it, I like her. I like her smile and the way her eyes sparkle when someone or something challenges her. And I like her playfulness, and the
fact that you can never really tell if she might kiss you or kill you. She’s the most fabulous woman I’ve ever been around, and things won’t
be the same without her. Of course, it also doesn’t help that Green Arrow snuck his girlfriend into the base. What a dish! If those are the
kinds of women you can score when you’re a hero, then sign me up! Damn, I miss Catty already…
Next thing we know, Anarky’s calling Oracle to tell her about our group and our actions last night. She kinda laughed at us, but at least she seems to be on our
side. She did congratulate us on getting Exie. She also warned us that the JSA might be after us now. Figures. Don’t know much about Oracle myself, but I
know a lot of people who’d give a lot of money to find out stuff about him/her/it. Good thing I’m a good guy now or I might be tempted. Oracle even sent Mr.
Majestic over to help Anarky figure out Exie’s mystical tattoos.
Now of course, this is when the world of the Watchmen totally turned upside down. And all before 10 am too. We get more bad news in a morning than most
people get all day. I mean, not even any of the screwups I went through being a member of the Rogues Gallery prepared me for the kick in the stomach we were
about to get. Majestic told us that the night before, after we’d left Soho, the rest of the Doom Patrol arrived and engaged Carnage in battle. Well, things went
terribly, terribly wrong during the battle, and Carnage, who’s a living nuclear reactor, was blown up. It was as if a nuke had been detonated right smack in
downtown NY. As far as we know, the remainder of the Doom Patrol is dead and New York is pretty much destroyed. We’re going to head there now and try
and help in anyway we can. Fingers are already pointing our way, and honestly, I can’t help but feel a little responsible for the disaster. I mean, if we’d taken
out all of the Doom Patrol like we were planning to, none of this would’ve happened and millions of people wouldn’t be dead.
Heh, maybe I should start believing in god, ‘cause I think I could sure use someone to pray to right about now…
So, we returned from doing what we could in New York. Not that much could be done… It was horrible there, so horrible. Hardly anything left of what was once a city home to millions of people. We found a few survivors here and there, but whether they continue to survive will probably be a miracle. We did what we could, but considering our role in this tragedy, I doubt it will be enough, and I think we all know this as our tempers were running mighty short out there. I felt completely useless out there and I think it's the first time ever in my life I almost found myself wishing for some sort of superpower. But I just tried to keep the atmosphere a little on the brighter side, which really didn't work. There is no levity to a situation so grave.
Eventually though we found one survivor who is of very great interest to us; Risk, the 'leader' of the Doom Patrol. He'd been very badly hurt, but Anarky took him back to base. I hope the little rat heals so that we can beat some information out of him later. While such an idea is probably futile, I know it'll make me feel a lot better about things.
We're talking about going public with our story now. Since we have Risk and Ray with us, we now have two ex-members of that misbegotten team with which to back our story up. We have got to clear our names somehow, and making Risk spill his guts to the press is probably our best bet. However, we decided to let Ray talk to Risk first and fill him in on all the sordid details. This whole thing has hit Risk rather hard as well, so perhaps he's not the stupid, unfeeling, self-centered punk that I want to think he is. Although, since he'd never heard of ME, I can't say much for his knowledge of villains, which, if you're working for a law-enforcement agency like he was, you should definitely have such knowledge. But anyway, Risk was extremely confrontational with us during his initial interview. Which I guess is to be expected, but still, I can't believe that some gratitude for the bunch that saved his sorry ass isn't warranted. Anarky though, in trying to gain Risk's trust, TOOK OFF HIS MASK!!! Anarky's altruism is going to get him into serious trouble one day. Good thing he's got suspicious old fogies like me and Green Arrow around to help him. So anyway, the upshot of the convo was that Risk would stick with us, we wouldn't throw him to the wolves (yet) and we'll work to gain his confidence and make sure his mother is protected from the UN.
Anarky's taste in food leaves much to be desired, so Freefall and I decided to go on a grease burger run. I know this FANTASTIC place in Keystone City, so we thought we'd go there and meet the reporter, Linda Park, as well. You know, the Flash's wife. I hope I get to at least finish my burger before Wally decides to bust me for some perceived offense. At the last minute, we all decided to go, although some more to meet Linda rather than for burgers. Silly health-food freaks.
The meeting with Linda went well actually. Wally was there when we first arrived, but he left us alone and vice-versa, so that was good. It took us a little while to convince her that what we were telling her was the truth (my previous run-ins with Linda's insignificant other were obviously part of the reason she wasn't willing to trust us), but we did manage to win her over in the end and she promised she would start looking into our story, which is as good a start as any. I think Oliver bothered her a little though. That man really does need to stop making cow-eyes at every female he encounters.
Never thought I'd be back here. Peru that is. Once I returned the Eye of God to its rightful owners, I figured it was best not to come back here, especially since I was the one who liberated the Eye of God from its rightful owners in the first place. Ahhh karma. I hope like hell the theory works… But anyway, we're in the Andes to try and locate the little known tribe who are responsible for the tattoos on the Executioner. These tattoos are what gave that *&^$$#@ (excuse my French, but lets not mince words here, he really was a *&$$#@) his regenerative powers. Of course, this being the Watchmen, nothing ever goes smoothly, so we met with some HIGHLY resistant natives. Thankfully, Kiddo Lantern's crackerjack prize lets her translate other languages, so at least we could reach an impasse with the natives all in the same tongue. How wonderful… Well, Ollie and Kid Lantern tried to chat them up, and we found out that there were people there offering things to the tribal shaman in exchange for immortality. Good deal, maybe I should consider such a thing, might solve all my afterlife problems… Nah, face it; I prefer to be the one who makes the deals. So anyway, this guy named Ubu was having none of it, and wouldn't let any of us near the shaman, into the village, or anything useful like that. Kiddo Lantern was also able to find out for us that the shaman was painting some of his distinctive body art on a guy who was definitely not a native. Since we really weren't getting anywhere (other than heading for a fight), Anarky decided to be proactive and so had Ray grab the non-native customer from the shaman's (whose name happens to be Uktuk) hut. Ray did so, but non-native guy is not only naked, but also very unconscious and so rather useless right now. Anarky opened a boom-tube to an abandoned Gotham warehouse and told me, Freefall and Snow to go there and await naked-tattooed man's awakening and then question him on why he was in Peru.
So, the scene switches to abandoned Gotham warehouse where the three of us prepare to have our little talk. However, Anarky's taste in abandoned real-estate is about as good as his taste in food. It's lousy. We aren't there more than five minutes when somebody basically butts into our private conversation and starts going on about "taking us down" and other annoying things. It's a girl. A teenaged girl. Of course, not like we could run into an female ADULT or anything fun like that for once… Well, she's being quite rude and we're not getting anything done, and I call Anarky and find out she's the daughter of Deathstroke the Terminator (oh yay!) and NOW Anarky's wanting me to offer her a job with the Watchmen. Of course, he also mentioned that he's witnessing a fight between a blue-skinned woman and a grey-skinned man, so maybe he is slightly off his rocker right now. I'll just ask for some clarification from him, I mean, between him and Kid Lantern and Freefall and Risk and Ray and Rainmaker, I'm starting to feel like the world's oldest member of Young Justice. And here's our next prospective Watchteenager trying to escort me off to a visit with the Gotham City Police. Some days it doesn't pay to try and be a hero.