***Kissing***
On the hand - I adore you
On the cheek - Just friends
On the neck - I want you
On the lips - I love you
On the ear - Just joking
Anywhere else - Don't get carried away
Looking into your eyes - Kiss me
Playing with your hair - Can't live without you
Hands on your waist - I love you too much to let you go
***The 3 Steps ***
1.Girls, if a boy gets fresh, slap him.
2.Boys, if a girl slaps you, kiss her.
3.Boys and Girls close your eyes, it's rude to stare
***The Commandments***
1.Thou shall not squeeze too hard
2.Thou shall not ask for a kiss, thou shall take one.
3.Thou shall kiss on every opportunity
***A Must***
After reading this, you must attempt to kiss the next person you see, even if he or
she is a big hairy blob.
***Remember***
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss,
without some tongue,
so open your mouth,
and close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise!!!!
***THe WoRLD'S BeST PiCK-uP LiNeS (and much, much, more!)***
For all the lonely guys out there, and especially for girls as a warning, that guys use lines
that range from the cheesy to the sickest, and all I can say is watch out. Someday, you'll
come across one of these lines, and thank me for warning you!!
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just
met the girl of my dreams.
Is your daddy a thief? ["No"] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and
put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "Yes"]
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
The word of the day is "legs". Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
My name's [your name], but you can call me lover.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?"] Checking to
see if you were made in heaven.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart [Cheese alert!]
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Do you know what'd look good on you? - Me.
[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit]. Can I talk you out of it?
I lost my phone number. Could I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
I have 31 inches of pure snake in these trousers, fancy a bite?
I guess all the lonely (desperate) guys out there have enough lines here to pick up a gullible girl with. And for the girls, I'll give another word of warning: "NEVER, EVER go with a guy that uses these lines!!!
Okay, girlies TURN!!! When a guy comes up with any of the lines above, here's a few lines to say to get rid of that CREEP!!
***Perfect Put Downs and Instant Insults***
You've really got "IT" - what, I couldn't say!
I'd like to see you soon again - but not in this lifetime.
I wish you were on TV - Then I could turn you off.
Do you realize that every time you breathe, ten people in the world die? Why don't
you use mouthwash?
You have so many things on your mind, you don't have any room for brains.
I don't mind that your talking, so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
Who am I calling stupid? I don't know - what's your name?
I'm busy now. Do you mind if I ignore you some time?
If you need me, don't hesitate to ask - some one else!
You have a mechanical mind. Too bad all the parts are rusted.
If you were twice as smart, you'd be stupid.
A thought struck you once and you've been unconscious ever since.
The last time a thought struck you, the experience was so painful, you decided
never to let it happen again.
Help reduce pollution - Stop breathing!
Don't go away mad - just go away!
I don't think you're pretty and i don't think you're ugly. I think you're pretty ugly.
You may be a beautiful person on the inside. Too bad its the outside that shows.
Want to improve your looks? Walk backwards. OR Wear a hat - right over your face.
You're like a slow leak. People can hear you, but they can't turn you off.
You have a very striking face. It should be struck more often.
I'll never forget the first time I met you - but I'll keep trying.
I know you're not the worst person in the world, but until the worst person comes
along - you'll do.
***NEWS BULLETIN!!***
Men and women are NOT alike. Sure you thought
you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
following topics, these facts have emerged:
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a
relationship - He refers to it as "the time when me
and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriend and she will
write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six
months after the break-up, at 3.30am on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you
know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you
and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us". This is
known as the "I Hate You/I Love You - Drunken
Phone Call. 99% of all men have placed at least one
such call. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need. Alas, these
classes rarely prove effective.
***Sex***
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men
prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider
driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
***Maturity***
Women mature faster than Men. Most 17 year old
females can function as adults. Most 17 year old
males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work.
***Comedy***
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a
room, watching television, and an episode of "The
Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will
get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and
even try to imitate the action of Curly, man's
favourite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and
groan and wait it out.
***Handwriting***
To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women uses
scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i"'s
with circles and hearts. Women uses ridiculously
large loops in their "p"'s and "g"'s. It is a royal
pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's
dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of
the note. :o)
***Bathrooms***
A man has at the most 6 items in his bathroom -- a
toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in a typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
***Magazines***
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked
ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of
naked ladies. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of
day.
***Groceries***
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then
goes off to the store and buys these things. A man
waits until the only thing left in his fridge are half a
lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
lane.
***Jewellery***
Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man
can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.
Anymore than that and he will look like a lounge
singer name Vic.
***Menopause***
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes
through a variety of complicated, emotional and
psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction --
he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and
leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
***Locker Rooms***
In the locker room, men talk about these things:
money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and
they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room --
sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical.
***Toys***
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they
reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men
never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they
get older, they toys simply become more expensive
and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little
miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicer,
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve
cocktails on command, video games, anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 batteries to operate.
***PoeM TiMe***
A poem for that special lover guy!
You're a hunky handsome heartthrob
You're a fab and groovy dude
You're a juicy lump of gorgeousness
A scrumptious plate of food
You're a hot and horny lover
And if I had my way I would smother you in chocolate
And feast on you all day.
HaRDY HaR Ha
Yep I know all these are in bad taste!! But they made you laugh
didn't they??? Come on, sure they did!!
Note: All above have been invented by completely insane lunatics, who decided to forward me all this, and should only be used in real life when you get desperate and have nothing what-so-ever to say. Please take note of this.
