Missing

Cloud Strife

(picture of him)

If found, call

(422)763-3812

---For job opportunities.

"Yuffie, you know I have to go to work. Call one of your friends to help you." Godo had to go to a business meeting.

"Really, dad? Does it have to be now?"

"Yes, it does.

---Yup. It does. I guess so.

Oh yeah. While you were at school, Cid called and wanted me to tell you that Cloud was missing."

Yuffie broke her pencil in half in disbelief.

---*snicker* So... which did she do?

How could Cloud disappear?

Yuffie paused and asked, "Can you write an excuse for why I was absent for so long for school?"

"Sure," Godo replied. "I'll call the principal and tell her you won't be at school for… Say, how long do you need to be away?"

"From a week to a month," Yuffie answered.

"All right. See ya!" Godo left.

It looked as if Yuffie was alone.

---Because she probably was.

She remembered to look in her math book to

---find Cloud.

learn how to get the square root of 5,925.

Then, she saw a shadowy figure beside her. She looked and said, "Who the UGH!" Yuffie was knocked out from behind.

"Shera, where the heck is that doggone tea?!!?

---"I's gunna hitch up the truck and move sum of dat wood today. Hyuk." Wow. Cid's being awfully polite today.

Can't you see that I need to call the others?" Cid was so pissed ever since he heard that Cloud was missing. Now, he has to call about (in his opinion) 100 numbers to report a disappearance.

No reply from Shera.

"Shera?"

Still nothing from Shera.

Cid looked to find that Shera was gone too…!

"What the ffffffffffffff?" Cid said in disbelief.

"You're gonna disappear, too!"

---"You're gonna die someday."

someone said from behind.

Cid looked behind him & his vision faded to black.

Tifa awoke to find herself in a small cage.

---OK. I'm going to wake up so I find myself in a cage.

When she discovered this, she looked around to find Shera, Cid, Red XIII, Cloud, & Yuffie, all in cages, just like hers.

"Tifa?" Cloud went.

---Where'd he go?

"They got you too?"

"Who got me too?"

---"Who got you too?" "No. You." "Me?" "You." "Well I don't know, who got you?"

Tifa wanted to know.

"Don't know, don't care. Once I get outta here,

---I'm hittin' the road. Turning over a new leaf. Leading a better life in a new land.

whoever put me in this cage is gonna get his or her be-hind whooped!" Cid said angrily.

"Yo! Jerks! Shut up before I have to put the big boss in one of your cages!"

---"We're gunna punish ya' by tossing the boss in a cage! Yes! Ah ha ha ha! We're so evil!"

The jailer definitely did not like all this talking.

"What in the world is this 'big boss' you call?" Shera asked.

"The Undertaker," the jailer replied.

---We'll kill him. That'll teach you.

"Actually, we take you to the room we like to call the 'Death Room.'

---This is a little ditty I'd like to call 'Death Room'.

---OK. So they toss the big boss into a cage by putting you in the death room? Huh?

From then on, the Undertaker pummels you to your bloody death."

In a meeting room, Sephiroth discovers that one the prisoners they have has the black materia and doesn't know it.

"We need that black materia now if you people wanna keep your job!"

---It will provide job security. It has... "connections" and the power to create 15000 jobs in under a year.

Since his failed attempt to destroy the world two years ago, he's been yearning to do it again successfully without those dirtbags in the way.

"But sir, how are we gonna get it from them?" Palmer asked.

"Simple.

---Shoot them and just take it from them.

Somebody go buy me a manipulate materia before midnight tonight." It's what Sephy needed to get the black materia.

Mayor Domino asked, "Why do you need that? Use your powers or something."

Sephy casts Fire 3 on Domino and kills him.

"Any questions?" Sephiroth asked.

Everyone was speechless.

"Good. Now, who cares to get me the materia?" Sephy asked at last.

Everyone wanted to, but Heidegger got the job.

Sephiroth sent him on the mission. "Don't come back with that materia, or else…"

Heidegger gulped.

"Man, life sucks and so does this," Cid complained.

"You said it," Cloud agreed.

Then, a radio starts blaring on 102 JAMZ playing DMX's "How's It Going Down?"

"This music sucks!" Yuffie complains.

Everyone else agrees except for Red XIII,

---Who owned the whole album.

who is asleep in his cage.

"Wake up!" The jailer shouts, kicking at Red XIII's cage. It startles Red XIII awake.

"Why did you do that?" Red XIII asked.

"'Cause you were asleep. DUH!"

---It's a law that you have to kick sleeping people. DUH!

It seemed as if the jailer didn't like Red XIII, which he didn't.

"DUH you," Red XIII says angrily.

---Whoa! Calm ol' Red is copin' an attitude! So far, nobody in this fanfic has been in character.

The jailer shoots Red XIII in the leg.

"Hey, you jerk! Why did you do that?" Cid was even more pissed at the sight he just saw,

---Uh... the basic definition of 'sight' usually implies that you had to have seen something in the first place. Why even have 'he just saw'?

but soon get shot in the leg too.

"AW! YOU SHOT MY LEG! YOU JERKOFF!" Cid cried in pain.

"Think you're alone?" Red XIII said sarcastically.

Then, 5 people carry another cage into the room with Barret in it.

Then, they set it down.

"Barret!" Tifa cries in relief.

---"I love you!"

"Why don't you shoot them?"

Barret shows her his gatling gun. All of the bullet holes are covered with gum.

"Oh."

---Darn prankster kids.

Now Tifa started to get worried. If they didn't get out of here soon, she'd probably die.

Back in the meeting room, Heidegger just returned empty handed.

"Well, I had it here somewhere," he says.

Sephiroth cast Comet on him & kills Heidegger.

"Anyone care to explain?"

---"Well, he died because you killed him, sir."

Sephy was disappointed. And if it's one thing he didn't want, it was to be disappointed.

Sephiroth sighed. "It look as if you have to get something done

---you have to learn grammar.

, do it yourself. Anyone else want to take a stab at it?"

Everyone wanted the job again, but this time, Reeve got the job.

After that, everyone said at Reeve, "YOU SUCK!"

Sephiroth starts pulling out his sword, then everyone took it back.

Sephy sent him on the search. "Remember what happened to Heidegger…"

"I would like a Manipulate materia, please." It seemed as if Reeve had reached a materia shop in Junon.

When he got his materia, Elena and Rude jumped behind him and stole the Manipulate materia. Reeve chased after them.

---He chased them some more. Then he became tired. Then he stopped.

He chased them from Junon to Midgar. From Bone Village to Icicle Inn.

He couldn't take it anymore. He decided to buy a new one when he discovered that they had stolen all of his gil!

Then, Sephiroth appeared in front of him and asked, "Where is that materia?"

"The Turks stole it," Reeve said pitifully, "along with all of my gil."

Sephiroth grabbed his sword, poked a hole through Reeve, & sent him flying into the ocean.

Later, another cage is brung into the room.

---Brung? I thank that sounded differenter. Theys also has the tense wronger.

Only with Reno in it.

"Not you too," Yuffie moaned.

"Yeah, me too," Reno replied. "I just wish they hadn't have taken my cellular phone."

Tifa just remembered something.

---Puff o' logic time! (Get ready for a plot device!!!)

She still had that walkie-talkie that was built into her shoe.

---She got it as a gift from Maxwell Smart.

Usually, it never ran out of power.

---Usually, I always sometimes never choose to keep energy in my batteries, sometimes.

She could contact her buddy Duke Nukem to take care of these jerks for her.

She pressed a button or her shoe and said, "Duke! Duke, are you there? It me, Tifa, remember?"

A voice said, "Tifa! Haven't seen you for quite some time.

---Since... NEVER!

You need anything?"

"Well, I just got kidnapped by a bunch of jerks and I need you to take care of them for me."

"All right. I'm gonna be there before you can say 'Hokey Pokey.'"

Well… at least she knows there's gonna be help…

"Good.

---"She knows there's help."

Did you find Reno?" Rufus expected a 'No, I didn't find Reno' answer from one of the Turks, but Elena told him that he was also kidnapped by Sephiroth.

"DANG!" Rufus shouted.

All of a sudden, a helicopter flew up to their floor. Elena & Rude looked worried, but Rufus just said, "What?"

Then, he turns around to find the helicopter also.

A voice from the helicopter says, "Where's Tifa?"

Rufus goes onto the roof and the voice asks again,

---Well, I think I need some fresh air, so I'll just spontaniously go onto the roof.

"So, where is Tifa?"

"Sephiroth's got her," Rufus replied.

The voice asked, "Yo, can I land on the roof?"

Rufus looked at the roof. It was big enough for a helicopter to land in, so he said,

---"Yes, you probably could."

"Yeah. But first, tell me who you are."

"My name's Duke Nukem," the voice said.

The helicopter landed. Duke came out and asked, "Where that jerk holding Tifa?"

"In the basement. Take elevator 7D and go to the basement. " Rufus was supposed to have only Shin-Ra employees know that,

---Know what? "Let's see, I have to go to the basement, but I don't know how to get there. I doubt this button in the elevator that says "basement" has anything to do with it."

but this was an emergency.

"All right." Duke grabs a rocket launcher, a double-barrel shotgun with explosive shells,

---A quick snack consisting of a ham sandwich and a coke,

and a chaingun cannon from the helicopter & left in search of Tifa and her other friends.

"If I don't have that jerk out of this building, I will have to kill you all!"

---Actually, he'll kill all of you anyway!

Sephiroth just heard that Duke Nukem is in the building… and boy

---Yeah, don't forget about boy being in there.

, is Sephiroth ever so agitated!

"But sir…"

---I thought you were going to read me a bedtime story!

Scarlet didn't get to finish because Sephiroth killed her with Ice 3.

"I just want him out of this buliding now!" Sephiroth yelled. "Well, what the heck are you people waiting for? Move it!"

Everyone left really fast in search of Duke Nukem but Sephiroth.

All of a sudden, the door to the basement blasted open.

---Agent 99, at your service.

Duke Nukem stepped out and used his chaingun cannon to take out everyone that wasn't in cages.

---So all the people went in the cages and they were fine.

The team could see Duke shooting everyone.

"Duke! You came," Tifa cried out in relief.

"I'll get you out in a couple of seconds," Duke said,

---You're only of secondary concern.

making holes in everyone. Then, he stopped shooting and unlocked everyone's cages.

---Then he shot them because they were no longer in the cages.

Everyone stepped out and Yuffie gave Duke a big hug.

"Oh, thank you for rescuing us! The music in there sucks!" Duke started getting mad.

"Get off me!" Duke shouted and Yuffie let go.

"Sheesh! I was just thanking you for rescuing us," Yuffie said.

"Sorry.

---Like Duke is such a caring guy. Sure.

Don't worry about Sephiroth, whoever that is. I called the FBI to arrest him."

In the meeting room, Sephiroth was thinking, 'I wonder if Nukem is dead.'

Then, the FBI burst in, with the surviving members of Shin-Ra arrested, and soon, Sephy was arrested too.

"What the fffffffffffff?"

---So this guy (author) is playing games like Duke Nukem but still doesn't have the personality to use rude language?

Sephiroth was puzzled. Did Duke call the FBI?

Later, outside, the Shin-Ra members working for Sephiroth was getting put

---Let's keep to the same tense please.

in the police cars. So was Sephiroth.

"You jerk!" Sephy called to Duke Nukem.

Duke shot Sephiroth in the leg with his chaingun cannon.

The whole ride, the officers told him to shut up.

As for everyone else, well…

Rufus gave the Turks, including Reno,

---who was a Turk,

a promotion and a two-month vacation.

Cloud started helping around the house, now that his leg injury is healed.

Shera gave Cid his tea, as usual. He had to go to the hospital for that bullet wound and is doing just fine.

Yuffie found that the square root of 5,925 is 76.974021.

Barret got the gum out of his gatling gun and continued with AVALANCHE.

Duke Nukem went back to alien-busting.

Red XIII also had to go to the hospital for the bullet wound on his leg. It's doing just great.

---Doing a great job of messing up his leg.

He went back to Cosmo Canyon after that.

And Sephiroth… he got the electric chair after trying to escape prison twice. He got a life sentence,

---But since he was just killed, it didn't matter.

but in two months he tried to break out twice, but failed.

---Since he was dead.

So, he was killed by the electric chair.

So, in other words, everything's back to normal.

"Shera, where's that tea?!!?"

Well, almost everything.

The End