DOONESBURY
MR. BUTTS AND MISS NICOTINE GUM
ADAPTED BY JAMES DOWNER
Mister Butts
Miss Nicotine Gum
Bill (William) Bennett Drug Czar
MISTER BUTTS:: Well, well! If it isn't the DIVINE MISS N.
Where you off to sweet stuff?
MISS NICOTINE: Washington. Buttsy! Gotta visit Bill Benett!
MISTER BUTTS:: William Bennett chews nicotine gum?
MISS NICOTINE: 40 milligrams, a day!
He's doing almost as much nicotine now as when he smoked!
MISTER BUTTS:: Wow! A drug Czar who's a drug addict!
MISS NICOTINE: Don't you love it? I'm the luckiest girl in town!
MISTER BUTTS:: Gosh. Miss Nickie!
You're really off to see Bill Benett? Mind if I tag along?
MISS NICOTINE: Not at all. I'm sure he'd LOVE to see you again!
MISTER BUTTS:: I can't believe the Czar is STILL a nicotine addict!
He's been on the job since March!
MISS NICOTINE: That may be, but he reaches for me twenty times a day.
MISTER BUTTS:: What about Miss Lollypop? I thought he was seeing her!
MISS NICOTINE: He still is. But let's face it-
How much buzz can you get from a sucker!
MISTER BUTTS:: So he chews you.. on the sly?
MISS NICOTINE: No. Out in the open!
I'm afraid miss Lolly is a bit of a doormat!
(Bill Bennett's Office.)
MISS NICOTINE: Hi, Billy Boy! Sorry I'm late!
BILL BENNETT: Where the hell have you been?
I've gone through 30 lollypops waiting for you!
MISS NICOTINE: Chill out, lover. I bumped into an old fried of yours.
BILL BENNETT: "Oh. Yeah? Who's that?
MISTER BUTTS:: SUPRISE!
BILL BENNETT: Butts! What are YOU doing here?
I thought I told you to stay the hell out of my life!
MISTER BUTTS:: I just want to talk. Mr. Bill. No touching.
No puffing, I swear!!
MISS NICOTINE: It's okay, baby. If it gets rough. I'm here for you.
MISTER BUTTS:: Billy boy! I heard the news from Miss Nickie!
I'm sooo sorry you're still addicted to nicotine!
What a bizarre turn of events!
I mean, here's the Nations Drug Czar overseeing
a multi-billion dollar effort to prevent people from using
dangerous drugs..
While back in his office, he spends all day chomping on an alkaloid
so poisonous it's commonly used as INSECTICIDE!
MISS NICOTINE: I BEG your pardon!
MISTER BUTTS:: Oh, Sorry. Miss Nickie. I didn't mean you personally.
Bill, Bill! Look at yourself, man! Addicted to nicotine
at the same time you're throwing thousands in jail for using a drug
far less dangerous than tobacco!
How many deaths a year did the surgeon general implicate me in?
About 395,000 right? And yet society has learned to live with me
and my cost! Meanwhile, poor Mr. Jay doesn't have a SINGLE death his credit
And you spend BILLIONS failing to eradicate him! What GIVES?
BILL BENNETT: I'll tell you what (hack) what (cough) where's,
my gum? Where's my damn GUM?
MISS NICOTINE: Here I am baby! Come to mama...
MISTER BUTTS:: C' mon. Billy boy. Wake up and smell the smoke!
Hasn't your own inability to go straight taught you ANYTHING?
You're an ADDICT! The fact that your drug of choice is legal.
And another can send you to jail, is an ACCIDENT OF HISTORY!
Let's stop driving addicts underground and start HELPING them!
Get out ahead of the curve, Bill! It's time to formulate policy,
for the POST-prohibition era!
BILL BENNETT: Over my dead body.
MISS NICOTINE: That's a possibility honey!