Big El leaned back in his chair munching a naner and peanut butter samwich idling fingering the sequins on his jumpsuit when his telephone rang."Elvis, Private Investigator," he spoke into the reciever."Elvis," a snooty female British accent came over the line,"This is Princess Di.""I thought you were dead!"Elvis said after overcoming the temporary shock."Of course I'm dead, you cracker, and so are you, but that really doesn't help advance this narrative now does it?" she icily retorted."Yeah,...well...um...sure. we're both alive. A-L-I-V-E. Yessum.""Now," the princess continued, "Say 'How may I assist you your worship?' ""How may I assist you your worship?" he said."Well, you see, I.......
Contributed by: John Doe on September 01, 1998
". . .need to discreetly contact Dodie's father. The poor man is still bereft over the unfortunate mishap last year." Elvis scratched his butt and roared, "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog! If you'd ever caught a rabbit, you'd want to contact your little boys and let them know you're okay!" The Princess hissed into the phone, "You white trash low-life! I kiss my sons good-night every night and every morning and tousle their hair. How dare you impugn my considerable mothering talents! Dolt!" Elvis raised his pistol and for a split second thought about firing into the receiver of the telephone. No, too small a target. Instead he fired a quick few shots at the tv which just now was showing one of its ubiquitous "in memorium" tributes on the anniversary of the Princess' death.
Contributed by: Hurricane Bonnie on September 02, 1998
"Now hold on there a minute missy" he growled into the phone. "You might have a Di died worship the princess cult kissing the ass of your dead image every minute of every day on television, but you ain't going to talk to me like that." His tirade was greeted with stunned silence. "As a matter of fact, you perfect bitch" he continued, "You can kiss my ass. I'm the KING!"
Smugly satisfied, El was about to step out and be seen at a Taco Bell in Cleveland to satisfy a stipulation of his contract with the National Inquirer when the phone rang again. "Elvis, Private Investigator" he answered. "Elvis, it's Di, please don't hang up." Subserviance now dripping from her voice in place of superiority. "No one has ever spoken to me like that and I find it incredibly erotic. Could we possibly meet somewhere?" "Well, I'm headed to a Taco Bell in Cleveland, you can tag along if you buy." Elvis had had chicks trying to pound down his doors to ravish his body for forty years and he was richer than cheesecake. No rich perfect babe princess was going to get HIM to blow his cool. "I'd love to. What country is Cleveland in?" "Ummm, that'd be Peru. C'mon over." "I'm on my way." she said and hung up. If theres one thing Elvis couldn't take it was poor geography skills.
Contributed by: RKing on September 28, 1998
Elvis, now in Cleveland, decided he would cruise downtown and score a little crack. He found a streetside dealer and made the buy but the kid seemed to want to talk. "That's the worst Elvis costume I ever saw you fat-assed honky sideburns wearing mutha." This of course could not be allowed to be left unchallenged. "Uh, listen son, I can see you are an underpriveleged inner-city youth, so I think I'm willing to accept an apology from you instead of getting out of the car and kicking your ass." So the kid pulled his 9 and busted a cap in Elvis' fat ass. "Well, now you've made me mad" El said as he hopped out of his car and came after the little nip. The kid, feeling threatened, was forced to empty his clip into Elvis' face. "OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!...OUCH!" said Elvis, "Damn good thing I'm already dead. "Aieeeeeeeeee!!!" screamed the kid, "It's an Elvis Zombie!!!! Run for your lives!!!!!"
Contributed by: BBKing on September 28, 1998
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