Jokes
Terry Prachett Quotes
University Lightbulb Jokes
Economics
Late for the Exam
Terry Prachett Quotes
Many an ancient lord's last words had been, "You can't kill me because I've got magic aaargh."
-- Magic armour is not all it's cracked up to be. (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)
I accuse the High Priest of the Green Robe in the library with the double-handed axe.
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)
The class was learning about some revolt in which some peasants had wanted to stop being
peasants and, since the nobles had won, had stopped being peasants really quickly.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Soul Music)
The Battle of Koom Valley is the only one known to history where both sides ambushed each other.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms)
The river Ankh is probably the only river in the universe on which the investigators can chalk the
outline of the corpse.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms)
The maze was so small that people got lost looking for it.
-- Bloody Stupid Johnson at his finest (Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms)
"You can't second-guess ineffability, I always say."
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)
"You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?"
-- Crowley the demon and Aziraphale the angel in conversation (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)
People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have
uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I
thought you were someone else."
-- Carrot travels to Ankh-Morpork (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)
Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)
- "What're quantum mechanics?"
- "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)
Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy Seriph of Al-Yabi was cursed by a
badly-educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to
be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found
himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods
later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Yabi are renowned for being remarkably short
and bad-tempered.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)
Greebo's technique was unscientific and wouldn't have stood a chance against any decent
swordmanship, but on his side was the fact that it is almost impossible to develop decent
swordmanship when you seem to have run into a food mixer that is biting your ear off.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)
"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three
Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."
-- The Four Horsemen of the Apocralypse encounter unexpected difficulties (Terry Pratchett,Sourcery)
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Canadian University Lightbulb Jokes
How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. Ryerson isn't a university.
How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.
How many U of T students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two -- one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
How many Nipissing students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- Sudbury looks better in the dark.
How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five -- one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuked
lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program
that controls the wall switch.
How many Western students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five -- one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J.
Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two -- one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it
as well as any Queen's student.
How many St. Lawrence College students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
One -- she calls a Gael to do it.
How many Carleton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two -- one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they
were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One -- but she can't do it on Friday night.
How many Brock students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven -- one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because
he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
How many Guelph students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Seven -- one to screw it in and six to figure out how to power it on
manure.
How many Mt. .Allison students does it take to screw in lightbulb?
Five -- one to do it and four to be in the Macleans photo of it.
How many UVic students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- lava lamps don't burn out man!
How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four -- one to do it and three to translate the instructions.
How many UPEI students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five -- they make it a campus affair.
How many University of Manitoba students does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
There's a university in Manitoba?
How many York University students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three -- one to take directions from the "science" student, the science
student and one to philosophise about life as a light bulb.
How many Laval students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One -- but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct from
the way that the other universities did it.
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Economics Joke
An economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation and
decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He happens to see a copy of an
exam sitting on the desk, so he picks it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks
familiar, he comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken
10 years ago. The professor assures him that this is correct, but adds that this time
the answers are different.
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Late for the Exam
- Submitted by Rob Paixao
It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was
designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in
the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that
was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and
the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came
rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and
the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late
student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student
came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for
his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
room.
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Blue Dragon
