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Monkee Television Monstrous Monkee Mash

Text only version
(Picture of scary looking castle)

SETTING: Library

Davy:Gee, Lorelei, when you said you lived by the water I didn't think you
     meant the swamp.  Ha, ha.  
(suit of armour nearly cuts Davy)
Davy: Oh. 
     (to armour) Would you hold that for me please, uh, thank you.
     (looking at fake painting of vampire) Oh, what a very interesting 
      painting this is.

(vampire moves)

Davy: Oh.
      Who's that?

Lorelei: That is my uncle.

Davy: How long had he been dead when he posed for that portrait?

(sees a bat)

Davy: Oh! What's that?

Bat: I vant to drink your blood.

Davy: He he, this certainly is a conversation piece, isn't it?
      He he.

Lorelei: Davy Jones, there is something I want to give you.

Davy: Uh, can't you wrap it up for me and, uh, give it to me at Christmas time?

Lorelei: Davy Jones, you are not really afraid of me, are you?

Davy: No, it's just that somebody's doing a pretty good job of faking it. 
      Listen, uh, any time you want to go romping in the sun, fun and jumping, 
      give me a call.

Lorelei: Wait, one kiss.  So we will have a rememberance of each other.

Davy: Oh, I'm sure I'll remember you, Lorelei, without a kiss. Oh.

(Lorelei kisses Davy)

Davy: What a kiss, I've never felt this way before.

Lorelei: You fool, it is not my kiss, but the magic necklace.

Davy: What a necklace, I've never felt this way before.

Uncle in portrait: Silence!

(steps out of picture frame)
Uncle: (to the armour) Excuse me.
       (looking at Davy) Yes, yes, he's a little short but other than that a 
        perfect specimen.  He will become Dracula reborn.

Lorelei: Count Dracula reborn.

Uncle: (Evil laugh)

Monkees Theme

SET: Monkees' Pad

(Creaking shoes)

Micky: Who's that?

Peter: Who's that?

Micky: Don't do that.

Nez: Who's that?

Micky & Peter: *scream*  Who's that?

Nez: Would you guys please quit scaring each other and turn on the light?

(Mike turns on lamp)

All: *scream*

Peter: Hey listen, Davy should have been back by now. I'm scared.

Nez: Oh, don't worry I got a telephone number where we can reach him. I'll 
     call him.

On phone: *evil laugh*

Nez: I think Davy's in trouble. We better go help him.

Micky: Right.

(Micky and Peter cower under sheets)

Nez: And once again courageous American youth leaps in to the fore, or five.

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: Here drink this.

Davy: What is it?

Uncle: This is only tomato juice ...

Davy: Don't you mean tomahto juice?

Uncle: Drink it!  To get you used to the color.  But in a matter of a few days 
       you will be drinking BLOOD.

Davy: Blood? Blah.

Uncle: Blah? 

Davy: Blah.

Uncle: Blah.

Davy: (to camera) I think we've got a hit.

Uncle: You now have a genuine Dracula cape. So fly young Dracula, fly!

(Davy flies)

Davy: Ah, woh, I'm flying!  Ah, ah, wo, wo.  

(Davy hits wall)
      Before I take off next time, could you check the tower for ground 
      clearance, please.

SET: Front door of castle

Micky: Don't worry, Pete. If Davy's in that castle, we'll find him.

Peter: Good.

(Peter pulls rope)

Uncle: Won't you come in?

Micky: On second thought, no.

Nez: Now wait a minute, we're friends of Davy Jones.

Lorelei: Won't you come in?

Micky: On third thought, yes.

All: *evil laugh*

SET: Dungeon

Wolfman: *growl*

Davy: Hey. How come they keep you down here in the basement when they're 
      allowed to walk around upstairs?

Wolfman: *growl*

Davy: I don't want to be catty, but they're treating you like a dog.

Wolfman: *growl*

SET: Library

Uncle: Come in gentlemen, come in.  I bid you welcome.

Peter: Gee, what a nice place you have here.

Uncle: And now if you will excuse us, we have some work to do.

Nez: Uh, wai ... where's Davy?

Lorelei: He drove into town, he should be back soon.

Nez: Wonderful.  

(Lorelei and Uncle exit)

     What would Davy be doing out on a night like this?

Micky: Yeah, without his umbrella.

Peter: You know, I don't know what you guys are upset about.  Here we are in 
       the home of some perfectly awfully sweet people, an ordinary man and his 
       niece, who just happen to keep bats in the living room.
Nez: B-b-b-bat?

Peter: Uh, lats in the bibing, etc. 

(Peter messes up) 

       Ugh, this is disgusting.

Micky: Ah!

Director: (off camera) Alright good.

Micky: Would you like it a little bit bigger?  That was my medium scare.

Director: Oh. Do another one.

Micky: Would you like a louder one?

Director: A smaller.

Micky: A smaller one?  Ah!

Peter: I think I'll have a look around.

(spins in a circle)

(Uncle and Lorelei appear in picture frame)

       Hmm, instant portrait.  Not bad.

Nez: (reading the cover of a book) "A Study into the Nature of the Vampire" 
      by Count Silvanius Blahculca.

Peter: (looking at picture) I've seen that face before.

Uncle: I've seen that face before.  What a dum-dum.

Peter: I know I've seen that face before, I know I've seen that face before. I 
       have faced that scene before. Oh. Faced that ... Ha, ha ,ha.

Uncle: I think this boy's mind would be perfect for the monster.

Lorelei: But why, uncle. Why?

Uncle: Because he hasn't a brain in his head.

Nez: This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.

Micky: Me to be a vampire? I don't wanna be a vampire. Why does it gonna tell 
       me to be vampire, Mike? Mike why?

Nez: It's not you. It's everybody.

Micky: Hoh.

Bat: I vant to drink your blood.

Peter: That's not at all nice to say.

Bat: I vant to sip your blood.

Peter: Much better.

Nez: Hey.

Peter: Huh?

Nez: Hey.

Peter: Oh.

Micky: Ohh.

Nez: (pointing at portrait) That's him.

Peter: Hm.

Nez: In the picture, right there. That's him.

Peter: I thought I saw that man at the front gate.

Nez: Yes.

Micky: I told Davy a thousand times, man. Stop hanging around with vampires.

Nez: I knew it.

All: Vampires?

Peter: What a time to be caught without a turtleneck.

Micky: *whimpers*

Nez: Shh.

Peter: What?

Nez: Shhh.

Micky: What are you whispering for?

Nez: I don't want anybody to hear our plans.

Micky: Alright.

Lorelei: (licks quill pen and winces)

Uncle: Cut yourself? Hopefully.

Nez: Now look, if the uncle comes back in ...

Peter: Right.

Nez: Pretend everything is GR-ROOVY.

Peter: Right

Micky: Yeah, babies.

Peter: Right.

Nez: Peter, you search the house.

Peter: No.

Nez: What do you mean, no?

Peter: I might find something and I'd rather stay here where it's safe, with 
       you Michael.

Uncle: Good boy, good boy.

Nez: I gotta hand you one thing, Pete. You have a great respect for fear.

Peter: You're right.  It scares me to death.

Nez: What?

Peter: Fear does.

Nez: *sighs*

Uncle: Go get the magic necklace. The star of Transyvania shall rise again!

(Lorelei leaves)

       Better composition

Nez: Come on, Mick. (speaking through Peter's ear) Come on, Mick. Let's go.

Micky: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, Uh-huh.

SET: Dungeon

Davy: After all, what has Dracula ever done for you?  All those pictures 
      you've made together. "Dracula Leaves", "Dracula Returns".  You know, 
      you've made over 30 movies with him and you haven't even got second 

Wolfman: *affirmative growl*

Davy: What you need is a good agent.  These people are exploiting you!  

(Lorelei enters, Wolfman confronts her)

Lorelei: What do you want, Wolfman? What do you want?

Davy: He wants a better percentage of the profits.  He want cookouts on the 
      weekends and he wants to play his own music.

Lorelei: It's a deal.

Davy: Oh.

SET: Library

Lorelei: Hello Peter.

Peter: Unh.  Uh, (thinks) bye Lorelei.  

Lorelei: Where are you going?  Don't you like me?

Peter: Oh, I like you fine.  It's just that I've finished reading all these 

Lorelei: My goodness, all 600 wolumes?

Peter: Well, I took a speed reading course.  So now if you'll excuse me ..

Lorelei: I just love an educated man.

Peter: Hey, aren't you Davy's girl?

Lorelei: No, no.

Peter: Oh? Well ... 

(they kiss, Lorelei places necklace around Peter's neck)

Peter: What a kiss. I've never felt this way before.

Lorelei: You fool, it was not my kiss, but the magic necklace!

Peter: What a necklace.  I've never felt this way before.

(Uncle enters, Wolfman behind him)

Uncle: Uhhh!  Don't do that. You know I've got low blood pressure.
(Wolfman picks up Peter)

       Put him down, Wolfman. This subject must be used for the ultimate 

Wolfman: *growl*

Uncle: This one is a dum-dum and we can control every thought that goes into 
       his head.

Wolfman: *growl*

Uncle: Put him down anyway.

Wolfman: *growl*

Uncle: Don't make me use my magical power on you.

(pulls out sausages)


Wolfman: *growls* I love hot dogs.

Uncle: Quickly now to the laboratory.  He will stay under my power until the 
       proper time. 
      (to Lorelei) Go.
      (to Peter) You too.
       *evil laugh*

SET: Hallway

(Mike and Micky walk down hall and scare each other)

Nez and Micky: *scream*

Micky: (seeing the door opening) The door, the door, the door.

(door opens and Mummy staggers out)

Micky: Blecch. Ew. Are you dirty!

Nez: Wow. What a ..

Micky: Where did you get that suit?

Nez: What a m-m-mess.

Micky: Blecch.

Nez: Out!

Micky: Ugh, you sure stink.

(Mummy leaves)

Micky: I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Let's get out of here.

Nez: We can't leave now, man, we haven't found Davy.

Micky: We could form a trio.

Nez: Nah, come on, let's go look in the library.

Micky: Okay.

Nez: You and me.

(they enter the library)

Nez: Peter?

Nez and Micky: (to camera) He's gone!

Micky: Maybe we could make a duet.

Nez: No.

Micky: If you get lost I'll be a single.

Nez: Bl-bl-drum. 

Micky: Here I come.                 Nez: Micky.
       Walkin' down the street.          Micky.
       I get the funniest looks from, 
       All the people I meet.            Micky.
       Hey, hey, I'm a Monkee.           Micky.

Nez: Okay look, anything happens we'll meet back at the library.

Micky: I've got an idea, let's go back to the Pad right now.

Nez: Now Micky, come on. Hey Mick? Do you hear footsteps?

Micky: No, but let's get out of here, man. This isn't my kind of house.

Nez: Now wait a minute. Ooh! A secret door.

Micky: A secret door.

Nez: Yeah, come on, follow me.

Micky: No, I don't wanna go ... 

(Mike goes in secret door)

       Mike!  Don't go in the secret door, it's .. huh, huh. 
      (to Wolfman) Shouldn't go in a secret door like that in this weird house.  
       Nuttin' tellin' what you'd run into in this place.
       You oughta get a hair cut, they won't let you into Disneyland.

(Micky runs away from Wolfman)

Wolfman: *growl*

(Wolfman runs after Micky)

(Micky runs into library, pushes chairs in front of door)

(Lorelei appears)

Micky: Ah! Lorelei, I'm so glad I found you, there's monsters out there.

Lorelei: Monsters?  What are we going to do?

Micky: Don't worry, my middle name is "Danger".

Wolfman: (from outside the room) *growl*

Micky: *screams*  Of course, my last name is "Chicken".

Lorelei: I'll protect you.

(places necklace on Micky, kisses him)

Micky: What a kiss. I've never felt this way before.

Lorelei: You fool. It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace.

Micky: What a necklace. I've never felt this way ...

Lorelei: Oh, shut up. Wolfman, this one is yours.

Wolfman: *growl*

SET: Underground crypt

Nez: Oooh wow. It's scary down here. Boy, I'm glad you're with me Mick.  I 
     sure would be scared if I was all alone. Mick? Mick? Oh boy. 
    (shouts) Micky!  

Echo: Micky, micky.

Nez: Davy!

Echo: Davy, davy.

Nez: Pe-Peter!

Davy: Mike!  

Echo: Mike, mike

Nez: (opens coffin)
     Ew. *cough* I'm sorry, I didn't know this was occupied.  

(Mike runs away)

SET: Library

(Mike runs in, hides in picture frame and begins to take notes)

(Uncle and Lorelei enter)

Uncle: The monster will live tonight. Now listen carefully, this is what we 
       must do. When the moon is full we shall take the one called Peter to the 
       underground crypt. There, we will also take the monster. Then we shall 
       transfer the brain of the one into the body of the other.  And you know 
       what we shall have?

Lorelei: Peter, with the monster's brain.

Uncle: No, you fool, the other way around. The monster in Peter's brain. No, no, 
       no, no, no. Peter in the monster's brain. No wait, Peter's brain in the 

(Lorelei and Uncle clap)

Nez: Pardon me, do you have an eraser?

Uncle: Now, the underground crypt at midnight. At the height of the full moon. Beautiful, beautiful.

Nez: Monster's brain, underground crypt at midnight.

SET: Dungeon

Micky: Well, I'm definitely getting a little nervous.

Davy: Me too.

Micky: Yeah, they're going to turn me into a wolfman.

Davy: I don't know what you're complaining about.  How'd you like to be a bat?  
      All they do is get in people's hair.

Micky: I wonder what it's going to be like to be a monster.

(Davy and Micky become Dracula and Wolfman)

Davy: Blah, blah. I am Dracula, the bat.

Micky: *growls*

Davy: Hey Micky, can't you be a bit more articulate.

Micky: You dare to insult Wolfman? Blah-ha.

Davy: One more word, and I will bite you in the neck.

Micky: Oh.

Davy: Hey listen, what happens to the girl? You know, in the movies, when the 
      girl goes through and then Dracula man bites her in the neck.

Micky: Wait. 

Davy: Where?

Micky: Wait.

Davy: Where?

Micky: *howls*

(girl walks through)

Micky: Ohh.

Davy: Oh, ya ya ya ya ya ya ya.

Micky: Ohh.  They don't call we the Wolfman for nothing.

Davy: Yeah. Wait, somebody's coming, somebody's coming.

Micky: Don't be silly, it's a fantasy sequence.

(Uncle enters)

Uncle: I see you are already dressed.

Davy: Well, y'know.

Uncle: Straighten up, Davy Jones, you have much to be proud of.

Micky: What are you doing in here? This is our fantasy.

Davy: Yeah, yeah, we're the Monkees.  You see, in every show we do a fantasy 
      sequence where we romp around and jump and do funny things and nobody 
      interupts us, NO-body.

Uncle: It seems this show is different.

Micky: Look I'm warning you, so get out of our fantasy.

Davy: Ours.

Uncle: In these fantasies you say you can do whatever you want. Is that so?

Davy: Right, right. Right Micky?

Micky: *growls*

Uncle: Then perhaps you try to take off your monster make-up. 
       *evil laugh*

Davy: Blah-hah-hah.

Micky: Of course we can get this make-up off, I just pull on this ... Make-up! 
       Help me get this mask off. Help with the gloves.

Davy: Jack Williams?  Make-up! Make-up. Okay, that's enough, 

Micky: Okay, cut the scene.

Davy: Cut that camera. We're through, we're leaving.

Uncle: You're wrong, my friends, to think this is fantasy.  This _is_ reality.  
       And you are not in charge here, I am.  And I can draw you any time I 
       want to simply by thinking about it.
       Wolfman, chain these two up.
       Lorelei, on to the operation.

Wolfman: *growl*

Uncle: The fantasy is over. This is for keeps. *evil laugh*

Davy: and M. Blah-hah-hah 

Wolfman: *roar*

(Wolfman grabs Micky and Davy)

Davy: Down boy, down boy.  Steady, steady. Micky give him some dog biscuits, 

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: (off camera) Quickly, Wolfman, quickly. This way.

Nez: (opens coffin)
      Uh, I'm just going to the next stop.
     (gets in)

Uncle: Hurry. Here we are in my beautiful laboratory, in my beautiful castle, 
       in the dungeon with the beautiful fake backdrop, ready to start. And we 
       have Frank and Stein. Little joke.
       Now we start the surgical transferance.

Nez: (dressed as Mummy)

Uncle: Wait, my assistant. Where is the Mummyman?

Nez: Here I am, Mummyman.

Uncle: You are the Mummyman? 

Nez: Watch this.  
    (shouts) MUMMY! 
     See that, uh-huh, Mummy *points at self*

Uncle: I'll buy that.  Now we begin the operation. This is a scapel.

Nez: No it's not.

Uncle: It not?

Nez: That's not a scapel, it's a bone chisel.

Uncle: What is it used for?

Nez: It's used to split. 

(grabs one of the tables with a sheet on it and starts to leave)

Uncle: Where are you going?

Nez: I'm gonna split. Uh-hyuk-yuk.

Uncle: But you didn't tell me what these were!

SET: Dungeon

Nez: Dun-da-DA!

Micky: Mike, Mike, you've come to save us, Mike, thank you, thank you, oh great 

Nez: Ha, no problem, I'll have you out ... 
    (to Micky) You know what, you better get a haircut, man. They won't let 
     you in Disneyland like that. Huh.

Micky: *groans*

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: That is a chisel?  All the time I thought that was a chisel. 
       That was no mummy.  That was a Monkee!

Wolfman: *growls*

Uncle: He's probably gone to free the others.

Lorelei: But we still control the others.

Uncle: That's right. We do control them. With our thought waves. I'll fix him. 

SET: Dungeon

Micky: Oh, thank you, Mike. Oh, thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate 
       that ol' buddy.

Nez: No problem, no problem, help each other out, that's it.

Micky: Buddy-poo, friendy.

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: OOOOOOooooh.

SET: Dungeon

Micky: (bites Mike's hand) 

Nez: He's really biting my hand you know.

Davy: That's no way to show your appreciation to Mike. Micky! Mike ...

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: OOOOOOooohh.

SET: Dungeon

Davy: (to Mike) I vant to drink your blood.
      (tries to bite Mike's neck)

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: Oooooh.  You know, I think we got a hit.

SET: Dungeon

Nez: (under attack by Micky and Davy) Peter, Peter. Hey man, wake up.

SET: Underground crypt

Uncle: At least we still have the monster.  

(pulls back sheet)

       It's Peter.  He took the wrong monster.

Lorelei: That means the real monster is with them.

Uncle: Yes! But it is lifeless.

Lorelei: But the energizing switch is here in the crypt, isn't it?

Uncle: That's right. We can bring him back to life from here. You know something, 
       you're not such a bad kid. 
       You realize, the last time I did this, New York went out. 
       Let's see how clever they are with the monster.  He don't monkey around. Huh-huh.


SET: Library

Nez: I read in the book, where it says that if the monsters are defeated they 
     can't return for a thousand years.

Peter: Oh yeah? What time is it.

Nez: Come on.

Davy: Oh, that's a nice watch, who bought you that?

Peter: (pointing) Michael.

Davy: Oh.

Mcky: And I looked in the book and the only monsters in there are Frankenstein, 
      Dracula, Wolfman and the Mummy so there's no more monsters as far as I can see.

Nez: Right.

(book floats in midair)

Peter: Ahhh! Ah, look, look the, the invisible man, the invisible man is here ...

Micky: No, no Peter. It's not the invisible man, no, it's just special effects.

Davy: What special effects?

Peter: Special effects?

Micky: There's wires holding the book up.

Nez: Watch this.
(cuts two strings)

Davy and Peter: *laugh*

(Peter cuts a wire)

Micky: Wires.  Little thin black wires.

Davy: Let me do that. Let me do that.

Micky: Tinsel and fabric.

(Davy snips last wire, book drops on Peter's foot)

Peter: Oh!

(End Credits)