Severed From the Force
It all started with waking up in the infirmary aboard the Peragus
mining station and meeting Kreia. Kreia had been generous enough to
help her re-establish her connection with the Force. By the time they'd
reached Telos, she'd reclaimed her role as a Jedi. She hadn't fallen to
the Dark Side as so many others had. But she did share responsibility
for Malachor V and had paid a terrible price for it. It haunted her, as did
all the voices of the Jedi and Mandalorians lost in that atrocity, a
horror that wouldn't go away.
So she'd embraced the Jedi Code like never before to try and rid
herself of the taint she felt around her. She embraced it as a
wild-eyed Padawan would. The approval of the remaining Jedi Council
members was never so important to her. She had resolved to find them
and request that she be re-instated as a Jedi, to be given the chance for
redemption that all fallen Jedi were entitled to, were encouraged to
find. So she suffered the verbal abuse of Atris, the ridicule of Master
Vrook on Dantooine, and brushed off some of the less Jedi-inspired
opinions offered by Kreia. She’d protected Queen Talia on Onderon with
her life, forgave her former enemies, the Mandalorians, on Dxun, helped
the refugees on Nar Shaddaa in all the ways she knew how, helped the
Ithorians rid Citadel Station of the scheming Czerka Corporation. She’d
protected the innocent. She’d faced down mercenaries, slavers, bounty
hunters, crime lords and Sith Assassins. And was it all for the glory?
No, she simply wanted forgiveness for the terrible mistakes of the past.
The Jedi were known for their forgiveness. And surely they would find
some for her. So she returned to the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine,
feeling like she’d made a positive difference not only against the
Sith, but in the galaxy at large. She felt as though she’d earned her
right to be called “Jedi” once more.
Which is why she was in such utter shock at the words she was hearing
as she stood there before them. Instead of at least acknowledging the
efforts she had made, for walking the path of the Light Side once
more, there was the complete opposite of what she had expected to
hear. They’d started in on her with the old accusations of her being
defiant and reckless, of joining Revan, of being to blame for Malachor.
All these she had expected, and patiently listened to, trusting
in the Jedi Code to give her the strength to endure it. And somewhere
in there she knew there would be a “However”, and her recent activities
would be acknowledged. They would forgive her yet, perhaps they only
they needed to vent their thoughts. So she endured it patiently,
knowing her redemption was not far off.
But the criticism didn’t cease, didn’t slow but rather was delivered
with even more energy. The feeling of pride she’d entered with withered
under the barrage of criticism and accusations they leveled at her. New
accusations about controlling the minds of her companions, forcing them
to do things against their will, feeding on their very life essence,
and most hideously on being the progenitor for this new breed of Sith
that had hunted the Jedi almost into extinction. The shock of it
overwhelmed her, and she felt dizzy standing there, the Sun suddenly
blindingly bright, and their voices coming as if from a long distance
away. It was as though she were trapped in some sort of horrible
holovid or some twisted dream. It simply was not possible, the things
they were saying. Not to her. To Revan perhaps, it would have been
appropriate, yet they seemed to hold her in even a lower regard.
Contempt even, bordering on hatred it seemed. But they were not content
with placing the burden of the galaxy’s problems on her shoulders. Not
content with not allowing her back into the Jedi Order, a favor
they’d done even for Revan. And they were not content with simply
sending her on her way. They wanted to sever her connection to the
Force forever. Kreia had lied or been mistaken about them doing it the
first time, but now they wanted to do it for real.
In that moment, she waged a fierce internal battle with herself. Oddly,
she never had much thought of defying them, even through the pain
they’d brought her with their spiteful accusations and lack of
compassion. But when it came right down to the very moment, she felt
real fear moving through her. Despite what she believed, a
tiny voice whispered inside her that this was for the best, the
punishment due for her crimes. Walking the path of the Jedi, it
whispered, was something you internalized, not just a set of rules to
follow, but a way of life. And if the Masters had deemed her a threat
to the entire galaxy, than it would be best for her to live without the
Force. In her mind, she struggled against this awful notion, feeling
there must be another way. She’d already lost touch with the Force
once, and it had been horrible, like having all of your senses fail.
“There must be another way,” she whispered aloud. But beyond that,
there was still that need for their approval, no matter what the cost.
For them to acknowledge just once that she had redeemed herself,
that the burden of Malachor and all else could be lifted off of her.
Anything would be worth it to no longer be weighted down with that
terrible guilt. ‘Let yourself finally be free of it, ‘the voice
whispered inside her.’ Accept the Master’s judgment as you would not so
many years ago. Make the right the choice this time. Be a Jedi no
matter what may happen.’
“I will submit to this,” the words came out of her, softly.
She watched Vrook raise his arms, felt the Force leaving her, and
steeled herself as best you could. There is no Emotion, There is Peace.
The violation was terrible. Last time she hadn’t noticed it when it
happened, so sudden was it, but this time the process was agonizing as
if her very spirit were being devoured. There is no Ignorance, There is
no Knowledge. She wanted to scream. She silently will Kreia to hear
her, to rescue her. There is no Passion, There is Serenity. And then it was finished, the last vestiges of the Force flowing through her were gone. Her body
became weak, legs became unsteady, and then the ground came rushing up
to meet her.
Lying there on the grass, she saw Kreia emerge into the clearing, heard
her screaming at the Jedi Masters and then all went dark. There is no
death, There is the Force.
When she came to, she was lying where she’d fallen. Crouching over her
were an apprehensive-looking Visas and Disciple.
“Are you alright?” Disciple asked.
“When you did not return, we feared the worst,” Visas said.
Together they helped her sit up. The questions came in quick succession as she
struggled to fill in the blank spot in her memory. But even that was
overshadowed by a terrible truth that suddenly dawned on her. Again she
could not feel the Force, and this time it might well be permanent.
Kreia had not been in time to save her She buried her face in her
hands. After a moment, she looked up at them through tears. Their eyes
met hers, and no words were necessary. They felt the absence in the
Force, in her, around her, and knew what had happened. And everything
she’d done to try and make up for her past deeds was for nothing. ‘No,
not for nothing,’ the voice in her mind whispered. ‘A Jedi you remain
in spirit.’ But she had not the tolerance for the voice just then and
the tears came.
Then she noticed the Jedi Masters lying nearby, motionless in the grass.
“They are dead, Mistress,” Visas said. “They have been drained of the
Force. There is a void within them.”
“Not just them....”
“I know,” Visas said, softly.
“Where is Kreia?” the Exile asked, suddenly becoming alert.
“She is gone. She left with the Handmaidens. They took her to Telos.”
“Atris will kill her. We must go after her.”
Disciple seemed less than thrilled with the suggestion. “It would not
be a terrible thing for Kreia to face judgment for what she’s done
here.”
The Exile stared at him thoughtfully. They’d all been worried about the
influence of Kreia on her since Atton and she had gotten into it on
Peragus. None of them would be sorry to see her gone, and probably have
no regrets if she were killed by Atris. All except the Exile. Certainly
she had seen the anger in Kreia, the often missing but not completely
gone compassion, the indignation when she was challenged, and a lack of
respect for the Jedi Code. But there was some Light in Kreia left. Some
small piece of compassion that still lived in her that had made her willing
to help the Exile re-establish her connection in the Force. Had made
her willing to try and protect the Exile, even though at a terrible
cost. No, there was still good in her, and Kreia deserved a chance at
redemption, even as the Exile did. But as the thoughts tumbled through
her mind, she felt weak again and once more fell into blackness.
The next thing she knew, she was lying in the infirmary aboard the Ebon
Hawk. Atton was there pacing the room and looked down as he heard her
stir.
The Exile attempted to sit up, still feeling exhausted.
“Whoa, where do you think you’re going?” Atton wanted to know.
“I need to speak to everyone. We need to go to Telos. Let them know we
have a change in plans.”
“We’re already on our way there. Visas took charge while you’re were
out. Said you’d be wanting to go there.”
The Exile smiled. Having Visas along was the closest thing she had to
sister now, somebody she could trust. Another exile like her.
“I don’t see why,” Atton went on. “I’m glad to be rid of that witch.
Good riddance to her, I say. Even Disciple agrees with me on that.”
She sank back down into the softness of the bed. “You don’t like
Disciple, do you?”
“Do I have to? Does it really matter?”
“If there’s a problem aboard this ship, then it matters.”
Atton sighed. “I have my reasons. It’s between me and him. Nothing you
need worry about. What you need to do is get your rest.. We’ll talk
later.” Then he was gone.
She drifted off to sleep. When she awoke, Mira was sitting nearby,
staring off into space. Eventually she noticed the Exile was awake.
“So I hear you’re not a Jedi anymore. Guess I can’t sell you to Goto
now,” Mira said.
The Exile had found Mira’s candor and her sense of humor refreshing
from the cryptic lectures of Kreia. She smiled, and then felt it falter.
“No, I guess not. They took the Force...”
“I know,” Mira said cutting her off.
“Maybe I’m not much good to anyone now.”
“Just stop right there,” Mira said sharply. “If Atton and I can make it
without the Force, then so can you! Don’t forget that I caught you on
Nar Shaddaa without any mystical Jedi abilities. You don‘t have time to
feel sorry for yourself.”
“It’s not the same, Mira. I’ve spent my whole life learning to use the
Force. It’s what we Jedi do. We rely on it in more ways than we even
know. Without it, what are we?”
“A nuisance, that’s what you Jedi are. Or were. But the galaxy needs
them and it needs you. You’re still the leader here. These people are
not going to follow anyone else. I know I’m sure not going to. You
think I came with you because you had the Force? I followed you because
I believe in the example you set, and in the leadership abilities you
show. I don’t care whether you have the Force or not, and if you
actually need help in fight now, I’ll be there. But maybe you won’t
need as much help as you think,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I figure you got one more day to wallow in this infirmary, and then
you and I are going to the cargo hold. We are going to see if you
still know how to use a force pike. And if not, then I’m going to teach
you.”
“I don’t know if I can, Mira. I don’t know if I can do anything.”
“Well, there’s only one way we’re going to find out,” and with that,
Mira left the Exile to her thoughts.
She couldn’t be as stoic as Mira wanted her to be. She’d appreciated
Mira’s efforts, of course. But all she could really think about was her
dream being over, something she’d been wishing for since they cast her
out. She’d thought when all this was over, she might have a place
on the new Jedi Council. She would help rebuild the Order, her days of
wandering the Outer Rim over. She would help train a new generation of
Jedi Knights, and the Temple on Coruscant would be restored to its
former glory. This time she wouldn’t be standing before them as a
criminal. This time she would be seated among them. But now it wouldn’t
happen. Not ever.
‘You are a threat to all who feel the Force.’ She couldn’t get the words
out of her head. Master Vrook could scarcely have said anything more
horrible to her. Even after they’d severed her connection to the Force,
she was still not redeemed in their eyes, cheated out of it by Kreia.
No Kreia had been trying to protect her, had she not? But killing them
surely wasn’t necessary for that. Kreia was the only guidance she’d had
of recently, and now she sorely missed it.
Kreia was also an exile, something most of the crew would not
understand. She, like the Exile deserved a second chance. The crew knew
that she’d been one of the leaders at Malachor and had been willing to
forgive her, so why not Kreia? Was it the old woman’s tone? Was
the nature of her personality enough to damn her in the eyes of
the crew? Because whatever they thought, no matter how far fallen
they believed Kreia to be, she was not lost forever. There was still
hope for her, just as there was still hope for herself. Kreia had been
the only one who would give her a second chance, and she would return
the favor.
And as she lie there, the thoughts running through her mind,
realization dawned on her. The Jedi Masters were dead, Kreia was gone
and the crew still looked up to her. With the possible exception of
Atris, there was no longer anyone of consequence to seek the approval
of. The approval of the crew would have to be good enough from here on,
and so far, she had it. Certainly they didn't view her as responsible
for the Sith. Visas and Disciple did not consider her a threat to all
who could feel the Force. There'd been plenty of chances for them to
leave her, many stop offs along the way where they could have simply
sought their destiny elsewhere. And that thought brought some comfort.
Moreover, if Visas and Disciple still needed guidance, she would do her
best to give it. They would have to do the bulk of the fighting when
they next faced the Sith.
She fell into a disturbed sleep, and when she awoke it was from Mira
nudging her. "Get up. Time for your workout. I got some help too."
Mandalore was there with her. "Mira tells me you need combat training.
When we get done with all this, we can back to Dxun and you can train
with the Clan Ordo. For now, we'll just work on the basics."
“Better do it fast. We’ll be coming up on Telos pretty soon,” Atton
said, stepping into the room.
Mira shooed Mandalore and Atton out of the room so that the Exile could
dress, and then the two of them walked down the corridor and into the
cargo hold. Wearing her Jedi robes seemed to awkward now, so she
settled for normal clothing. Disciple was there along with Atton and
Mandalore.
“Hey, no,” Mira called over. “No Jedi here. This is for us non-Force
users.”
“Yeah, you heard her. Get lost,” Atton told Disciple.
“It’s good to see you up and about again,” Disciple said to the Exile.
“Thank you, Disciple. I’m feeling better.”
Disciple left, and the training began. It was awkward for the Exile.
Not being able to use the Force to anticipate or enhance her reactions
was difficult and it felt all too sluggish, as she defended herself
with the force pike against Mira’s attacks. Mandalore and Atton offered
encouragement.. After a couple hours at it, she found herself breathing
heavily and sinking to the floor.
“Yeah,” said Mira, also breathing heavier. “I guess you Jedi normally
use the Force to sustain yourselves. Now you have to do it the hard
way. Breathe deep, let it out slow. At least you‘re still in shape.
Otherwise this would be much worse. I think you‘re going to be ready
soon. What do you think, Mandalore?”
“I think there’s one more thing she’s going to need.” He started
rummaging in one of the crates in the hold and pulled something out.
“This will help.” He held up a set of Mandalorian assault armor. “I
brought some extra sets along just in case. This ought to fit you. Wear
it well.”
Several hours later, wearing the armor and carrying the force pike, she
walked down the ramp into Atris’ hangar followed by Visas and Disciple.
A handmaiden was there to meet them.
“Take us to Atris.”