1.Did you hear about the termite who went into a bar and asked "Where's the bar tender?"
2.What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? Some one who sets up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
3.What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
4.What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art.
5.What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water? Bob.
6.What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your doorstep? Mat.
7.What did the zen master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
1.If you can't swim is it necessary to wait a half hour after eating before going in the water?
2.Why is it when you dial a wrong number, it is never busy.
3.If 7 - 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year why are there locks on the doors?
4.Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
5.Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
6.Elevator smell different to midget.
7."War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
8."Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
9.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
10.When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
11.All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
12.Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
13.I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
14.Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
15.Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
16.People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
17.If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
18.Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
19.Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
20.When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
21.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22.Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
23.The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
24.If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
25.Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
26.Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
27.What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
28.Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
29.Why do people say "It's always in the last place you look"? Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
30.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
31.If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
32.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
33.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
1.What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
2.If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?
1.It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. - Albert Einstein
2.Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. - Rilla May
3.Never let your schooling interfere with your education. - Mark Twain
4.Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? -Groucho Marx
5.Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
6.I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. -Steven Wright
7.Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. -Steven Wright
8.I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. -Steven Wright
9.I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium" -Steven Wright
10.I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious! -Steven Wright
11.I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -Steven Wright
12.One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read" -Steven Wright
13.When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. -Steven Wright
14.I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. -Steven Wright
15.After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? -Steven Wright
16.I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it. -Steven Wright
17.I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. -Steven Wright
18.I named my dog "Stay"... so I can say "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." -Steven Wright
19.I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it. -Steven Wright
20.Coming back from Canada...as I crossed over the border...I was asked if I had any firearms...I said, "What do you need?" -Steven Wright
21.I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out. -Steven Wright
22.I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums. -Steven Wright
23.I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. -Steven Wright
1.A Guide to Urinal Ettiquette
4.Arkansas Residency Application
5.Are You a Real Guy (by Dave Barry)
