Skin

By Michael Wood and Stephen Makin

Character List

Phil.
Nat.
Child A.
Child B.
Au Pair.
Jamie.
Kate.
Old Woman.
Paranoia.
Cynic.
Randy.
Gorgeous.
Father.
Meathooks.
Pedestrians.
Chorus People.

Scene One

Lights slowly up to reveal a park. Seemingly winter. There’s a bench with a City of London bin next to it. Phil is sitting on the bench watching the continuous stream of walkers, runners, children and animals that pass along the path, which runs across the stage. There’s a banana skin in the centre of the path. A runner enters at a pace. He slips on the banana skin and falls to the ground. It’s a real comedy fall. Phil looks up. The lights snap to black.

Scene Two

As above. The banana skin, however, sits in its position vaguely near the bin. Spot on a person with a placard. It reads ‘a few minutes earlier.’ Lights fully up to reveal…

NAT: /Can’t you just listen to me/

PHIL: /I’m listening/

NAT: /No you’re not you’re always/

PHIL:/wot?/

NAT: /just grow up./

PHIL: /But/

NAT:/but we just keep going in circles/

PHIL:/what do you mean?/

NAT:/where are we going Phillip?/

PHIL:/the cinema I thought/

NAT:/so typical. Always trying to make jokes/

PHIL:/not funny?/

NAT:/This is your problem Phil. You can’t be serious/

PHIL:/I can/

NAT:/can’t/

PHIL:/can/

NAT:/can’t/

PHIL:/can/

NAT:/can’t/

PHIL:/can/

NAT: Argh!

She pauses.

NAT: Why are you still fourteen?

PHIL: I’m twenty four.

NAT: Stop it. What I’m trying to say is…when I met you in the pub I thought…you’d grown up. I looked at you with your car and your hair and your hair…and your hair. And I thought…this guy I went out with in school. And now look at him with his hair. I thought you might have actually changed. But the only thing that had changed was your hair.

PHIL: You’re breaking up with me because of my hair?

NAT: No. Look. Just forget the hair. Okay?

PHIL: You started it.

NAT: No! It’s not about your hair. It’s just. It’s just.

PHIL: What?

Pause.

PHIL: What?

NAT: Okay. It is your hair. It’s like the only thing you’ve managed to change is your hair. See. See? You’re twenty-four. And it is nice that you’ve retained your youth and your sense of humour. And I really like that about you but there’s more to life than toilet jokes. Just look at the way you reacted to Billy Butcher.

PHIL: What? Meathooks?

NAT: When you found out he had cancer all you did was laugh.

PHIL: He deserved it though. Didn’t he? After all the things he did to me/

NAT:/six years you’ve been out of that school/

PHIL: my bully

NAT: It’s a terminal disease Phillip. I know he made life hard for you/

PHIL:/hard!/

NAT:/but Christ. He didn’t kill you/

PHIL: And I’m not killing him.

NAT: Listen to yourself. You’ve got A-Levels…a degree. Stop being so so…truculent.

PHIL: Truculent?

NAT: It’s a word.

PHIL: Yeah right.

NAT: No actually it is.

PHIL: Well if you have to make up words/

NAT:/I’m not making up words. Truculent is a real word. It means purposefully difficult and temperful. You’re too ready to fight with ME because it’s way easier than coping with yourself. I know you had a hard time as a kid with Meathooks and your dad and that…but I think it’s time you left that behind…but

PHIL: What?

NAT: When we were watching that film the other night. You farted and then pissed yourself laughing and I thought…I just thought in the back of my mind what a nob you’d become. And then I realised you’d never stopped being a nob.

PHIL: Oh yeah? Fine I can cope with that. Being a nob. I can cope but what about you. With your executive job. And your salary. And your hair hm? You think you’re so important. You think you’re the mutt’s nuts, the bee’s knees, the dogs bollocks, the badger’s nadgers/

NAT: /the badger’s nadgers?/

PHIL: /it’s a phrase/

NAT:/no it’s not/

PHIL: /yeah it is/

NAT: no. It’s not.

PHIL: No. You’re right it’s not. Shagging that guy are you? Natalie? 

NAT: Do you really think I’m shagging someone else? It’s just that you’re an idiot. It’s about you and that’s all. Is what I’m saying having any effect at all?

PHIL: Yeah you’re pissing me off. All my fault is it? All down to me? It’s not is it? You’ve done stupid things.

NAT: Like?

PHIL: I can’t think of them now. Unlike you I don’t memorise the one thousand most embarrassing moments in my girlfriend’s life. I try to over look them because I love you so much.

NAT: Yeah. Well…there’s only so much a person can over look.

PHIL: I don’t need this/

NAT:/and I don’t need you/

PHIL:/piss off then. Have an nice life/

NAT:/so melodramatic/

PHIL:/I don’t have to sit here and have you give a concise lesson on why I’m the worst person you ever met/

NAT:/Phillip!/

PHIL:/so naff off would you? Leave me alone.

She sighs knowingly and leaves. Phil stands up, stemming. He then immediately sits and broods. A man, dressed innocuously sits next to him. As he speaks the scene, Phil, pedestrians et al, freeze mid motion. The man speaks frankly and with precision.

FATHER: Hate is a strong word but he feels hate. Hate at not understanding me. He cannot handle my burden. I am his weight and I drag him down. He loathes me but he needs me, and the more he loathes the closer he holds me to him. I surround him. And do it so completely. Phil does not need drugs. I am his drug. He doesn’t need a girl friend, or a car. A haircut, children or a wife. He needs nothing and no person but me. Because all of these things, in their glory, pale against me. Don’t they Phillip?

The man pinches Phil’s cheek, stands and moves to the path.

FATHER: Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. On he goes.

The father takes a step and the scene re-animates. Phil sits back up and looks after NAT.

PHIL: Oh….

Snap to black.

Scene Three

Two kids stand with a sign that reads ‘A few minutes before that…’ directly in front of the bench. There is no banana skin. They start to fight over the sign. One of them hits the other one. They chase each other around the bench. Phil is getting annoyed and sticks out a leg and trips one up. It cries. They start to abuse him.

CHILD A: Oi mister!

CHILD B: Wot you doin’?

Child B kicks him in the shin.

PHIL: Ow! Wha…why on…ow.

CHILD A: You slag!

CHILD B: You slag!

CHILD A: You slag!

CHILD B: You slag!

CHILD A: You slag!

PHIL: What? How am I a slag? I am very sorry for tripping you up but really don’t see how that has any bearing on my sexual exploits whatsoever.

CHILD B: Shut up you slag!

PHIL: I know your dad!

CHILD A: You don’t know my dad, you slag.

PHIL: Just shut up will you! Leave me alone. You slags!

AU PAIR with a baby has sat on the other end of the bench and is looking disapprovingly at him. The children have stopped in their tracks. Phil slowly turns to her.

PHIL: Sorry.

She is silent.

PHIL: Sorry.

Silent.

PHIL: They’re with you aren’t they?

She is silent.

AU PAIR: [Spanish Accent.] Well it’s pretty bad thing to say.

The children are disinterested. One runs off the other tugs at her arm. She gives it a banana.

PHIL: But they can’t really be all…your own…offspring…

AU PAIR: Why not?

PHIL: Well you seem a bit

AU PAIR: Yes, I am Spanish.

PHIL: mmmmmmm…hmmmm. Mmmmmmm. Sooo….yeah. I went to Spain once.

AU PAIR: Really? And where did you visit?

PHIL [Singing that queen tune; exploding]: BARCELONA!

She reacts.

PHIL: Such a beautiful horizon?

AU PAIR: Yes.

PHIL: Yeah. I really like Spanish people.

AU PAIR: But not children?

PHIL: So they are your children?

AU PAIR: I am the Au Pair.

PHIL: Really?

The banana child, having eaten the banana drops it vaguely near the bin. It then returns to the Au Pair and tries to get her to leave by tugging at her coat, in that annoying way kids do.

AU PAIR: Yes. I am here to look after the baby.

PHIL: I’m not a big fan of babies either.

AU PAIR: Why not? I like them…

PHIL: They need too much of your attention…

AU PAIR: But then you are very young.

PHIL: I’m not young.

AU PAIR: You are twenty five…twenty six maybe?

PHIL Actually I’m twenty four.

AU PAIR: Well I….I am thirty five.

PHIL: Really? But you look.

AU PAIR: As fresh as a virgin. And my secret? Children. I come to your country as Au Pair when I am sixteen, and I do not leave. I surround myself with children. Their youth keeps me young.

The old woman enters and surreptitiously moves the skin to the previously established position.

PHIL: Well, that’s gotta be a load of bum.

AU PAIR: Oh you think so do you?

PHIL: There’s no way that being around babies makes you more beautiful.

AU PAIR: So how they make you feel?

PHIL Sick actually.

AU PAIR: Then you will never have a girlfriend. Let alone a wife.

The Woman gets up and walks away.

PHIL: [standing] Actually, I’m waiting to meet my girlfriend right now!

AU PAIR: Really. And is she ugly? Or Infertile?

The Au Pair exits. Phil returns to the bench. The pedestrians pass. Phil sits and watches them. The man from earlier is among them, arm in arm with a woman. The scene suddenly freezes and he steps away from her.

FATHER: Guilt is a funny thing. He never could effectively look after himself. Said the wrong things, made the wrong moves, hid behind her. He never stood up for himself. It was always those pathetic jokes. I cannot pretend not to be disappointed. And he knows it. He knows I would not let him act in that way. So he feels guilt. And guilt is a weakness.

He whistles to the woman and the scene unfreezes. She runs to catch up and they are gone. A woman dressed as Nat enters amongst them, but pregnant. Lights slowly dim around them. Until they are surrounded in darkness. She sits next to him and looks him in the eyes. He looks back at her. 

NAT: It’s a boy.

She pats her stomach.

NAT: Think your father would have liked it?

As she mentions him a spot picks him out, standing with one arm in the air downstage of the bench. The figure of Nat gets up and walks over to him. She takes the baby from her stomach revealing it to be a red balloon with a piece of string. She puts the string in Father’s raised hand. Filled with helium it appears now to be the only thing supporting him. As she returns to the bench lights reveal the scene around them. A bench on the shore. JAMIE is downstage holding a large map, unfolded, so only his legs are visible. On the back is written ‘One Year Earlier.’ NAT, who has returned to the bench, has become KATE.

KATE: Haven’t you found it yet?

JAMIE: [folding the map away] I’m pretty sure that’s it. 

KATE: Maybe we should ask someone.

PHIL: Who? Excuse me sheep farmer.

KATE: They might know/

JAMIE: /I’m sure that’s it/

KATE: /well if we asked/

PHIL: /Yeah it seems right/

KATE: /but if we asked someone/

PHIL: This is it okay? Mountains, water/

KATE: /but if we asked.

PHIL: We can’t can we?

Silence.

JAMIE: He’s right. It fits. The cove…

KATE: I know. I’m sorry. Just a bit…

JAMIE: Wish mum were here?

KATE: That reminds me.

She produces a postcard and begins to write on it.

JAMIE: Tell you what it reminds me of.

PHIL: What?

JAMIE: it’s like we’re in the school playground during lessons?

Jamie, who is standing behind Phil, trips him up. He is Meathooks. He gets Phil in a headlock.

MEATHOOKS: Think that was clever eh? Showing me up in class? Eh?

Kate has become Nat, younger. She stands on the bench.

NAT: Billy!

MEATHOOKS: Think you’re clever. Think it’s funny do you?

PHIL: yeah. I do. Fat boy…

Meathooks shoots up, throwing him to the floor. He makes as if to kick him but Nat is there. 

NAT: Billy. Please.

MEATHOOKS: For you, Nat, for you.

He storms off. She helps Phil to his feet and hands him a postcard as Kate.
Nat helps him up. She suddenly hands him the postcard, Kate again.

KATE: Well go on then.

PHIL: What?

KATE: The postcard.

PHIL: ‘Dear Mum. The boys are driving me insane. They won’t stop quarrelling, even here in San Carlos Water. Will they ever learn? We can just about see the buoy from the shore; it’s just a speck of red out on the water. Suffice to say we wish you were here, lots of Love Jamie Kate and Phil.’ 

KATE: Alright?

PHIL: Yeah. Fine. Weird to think isn’t it.

KATE: What?

PHIL; Twenty years ago today.

KATE: Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play?

PHIL: All this…boats everywhere. Planes, explosions. Violence.

KATE: I know. Where’s Jamie?

PHIL: Went over there, down by the beach.

Kate exits.

PHIL: What was it like? Eh? Twenty years ago today? You know who did it I suppose.

FATHER: The Argentineans?

PHIL: Some reporter in London. They had their fuses wrong on the bombs and they didn’t go off in time, until this reporter cottons on and tells the whole world, Argentina included.

FATHER: Bloody reporters.

PHIL: I know.

Jamie and Kate have returned.

JAMIE: That’s definitely it. There’s a plaque. The buoy marks the spot where the HMS Antelope lies…etcetera.

PHIL: Looked like it.

KATE: You ready then?

JAMIE: Yeah yeah yeah.

Jamie takes a step downstage and unfolds a bit of paper.

JAMIE: ummm.

KATE: You okay? Jamie.

JAMIE: Yeah. Yeah. Could you?

KATE: Yeah. Of course.

Kate takes the bit of paper faces out to sea and reads.

KATE: Dearest Father. Although we have come here to remember how you died here fighting for a cause we all know to be right I feel that, in some ways, our being here is inappropriate. As a father you always taught us to act with integrity, and to fill our own space in the world, and yet, in being killed before seeing combat, you were unable to fulfil yours…Jamie?

JAMIE: What.

KATE: This is a bit.

JAMIE: Mother asked me.

KATE: Okay, you’re right. Therefore it seems unfitting that we should remember you here, today, as to do so is to remember you failure. But I want you to know, and I hope you are proud that we have been trying to be all that you would have wanted us to be, even though we can never. Jamie. I’m going to stop reading it. Okay? I think we should just say a short prayer or something.

JAMIE: Okay. Yeah okay.

KATE: You okay?

JAMIE: Yeah I think I’ll just. Phil, have you got the camera?

PHIL: It’s in the car.

Phil throws Jamie the keys. Jamie exits. Kate tuts to Phil and then follows him. Phil sits. Watches the balloon. Music, quietly at first building.

PHIL: Dad?

FATHER: Yes?

PHIL: I’m still taking care of mum for you. Is that okay?

FATHER: Yes.

PHIL: Dad.

FATHER: Yes?

PHIL: The boy who beat me up in school is dying of cancer.

FATHER: And are you proud?

PHIL: What?

FATHER: Are you proud.

PHIL: I don’t know.

The music has reached its height. We are aware that KATE has been watching Phil. She moves downstage and sits with him on the bench. The second she opens her mouth to speak the music cuts sharply. 

KATE: He’ll be alright. Always is.

PHIL: Yeah. Why did he write a thing like that?

KATE: God knows. Meant something to the boy though…

PHIL: Didn’t think it bothered him so much.

KATE: What? Dad? Well he always was his father’s son wasn’t he?

PHIL: Oh yeah? Then who am I?

KATE: Your sister’s brother.

Phil laughs.

PHIL: That’s cute. Make that up?

KATE: No need for that. 

PHIL: So what does that make you then?

KATE: Easy. My mother’s daughter.

PHIL: And mum?

KATE: Her husband’s wife.

PHIL: Pretty funny…mum not coming…do you think he minds?

KATE: Well she had her reasons. And besides. Do you really think he would have wanted any of us to bother?

PHIL: Yeah I suppose.

KATE: Bloody waste of time he would have called it. Would have despaired at the state your brother was in.

PHIL: Really?

KATE: You know what he was like…

PHIL: Jamie. He’s that bad?

KATE: That bad for Jamie.

PHIL: Why the hell did write it?

KATE: I don’t know. 

Pause.

KATE: I’ll go check on him. 

She exits. He goes to pick up the speech from the ground. He straightens and reads it. The music comes back in. The old woman enters, picks the paper from his hand. Without the paper he is in the same position as the end of scene two. She moves towards the bin and, before dropping it in she turns and shows what it says to the audience. It reads ‘now.’ She drops it in and the music cuts.

PHIL: …bollocks! 

Phil looks after where Nat has (in scene 2) just exited. He considers following her but doesn’t. He moves to the bench and sits, a real huff, head in hands etc… Old woman emerges behind the bench. She drops a white scarf next to Phil on the bench and steps back. Two beats. Phil looks around and notices the scarf, picks it up, examines it briefly. He gets up as if to follow Nat, but thinks better of it. He sits back down and begins to whistle that Sergeant Pepper’s tune (Twenty Years Ago Today…) He watches the pedestrians as they pass. Clocking each of them. A figure, at first glances, dressed identically to Phil, appears behind the bench and jumps over. It moves to the edge of the path and watches, as Phil does, a plethora of women as they pass. Occasionally the figure slaps one of their arses. A second figure appears behind Phil as before. Similar to him again. It takes in the scene and then climbs over and sits on Phil’s right. A final figure appears in the same manner, takes in the picture, and then sits on Phil’s left. The differences between these three figures is marked in personality and reflected in subtle deviations in costume. The first figure is Randy, the second Cynical, third Paranoid. Cynical and Paranoid unroll a sign which reads ‘now Phil is single, his mind wanders onto other things’. It goes in the bin. An ugly woman is passing.

RANDY: Munter!

PARANOIA: I’m not sure about this you know. I don’t like leaving the house.

CYNIC: Shut up.

RANDY: Now come on, look at her. Whey! Could you see that at home?

PARANOIA: Why do I need to? Nat’s at home.

CYNIC: Not anymore thanks to this numbskull.

Cynic knocks on Phil’s head.

PARANOIA: Ow. Stop. Ow. Stop doing that! What was wrong with Natalie? Eh? I liked it…I liked her…hmm. Don’t like you. Who’s ganna go for him now? Eh. Women are these days, bastards these days. Who’s ganna go for him now? Light bulb man eh…hmmm…

RANDY: Look can you shut up! I’m trying to pull here…can you…seriously I mean look…I’d let her clean my windows and no mistake/

CYNIC: You’d let anyone clean your windows/

RANDY: No. I wouldn’t let her…[to ugly woman passing] Oi! Hag face was your mother farting when she gave birth to you?

PARANOIA: Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god/

CYNIC: /I swear to god if you say that again I’ll

He raps Phil on the head again.

PARANOIA: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghy

CYNIC: How many? How many times do I have to tell you to shut up…I know who you are, what you’re doing…it’s not clever. It’s not funny. You’re really annoying us…. you’re really starting to piss me off. I swear. Seriously. No seriously. If I have to spend one more day in this head with you I might have to kill you. Randy can live. But you. All the time with your scaredness and your worrying and your, you’re really pissing me off! Ahg!

PARANOIA: Oh my god oh my god oh my god you’re shouting. He’s shouting at me. Again. It’s not my fault all the time...? Is it all the scary things that make me scared

CYNIC: This is why. This is why he’s single now. Because of you. You’re a nob. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

PARANOIA: Okay blame me blame me blame me blame me

RANDY: Could you two just shut up for a cotton-picking minute? Thank you. Oi-oi! Wouldn’t mind havin’ her round for sandwiches!

CYNIC: Oh god.

PARANOIA: Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.

CYNIC: Oh my god.

A gorgeous woman has entered.

RANDY: Oh my god, look at her. She’s bloody gorgeous.

CYNIC: Nah. I’ve seen better.

She stops, Phil and the voices watch her as she looks at her watch, and moves to sit. Paranoia moves off the bench as she sits and begins to read a book.

RANDY: Sex sex sex sex sex/

CYNIC: /What have I done to deserve this? Hm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?/

PARANOIA: /Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god/

CYNIC: Shut it./

RANDY: /Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex./

CYNIC: She hasn’t even looked at you. Not a glance. Why? Don’t stare you fool.

PARANOIA: She’ll think you’re a creepy cow.

CYNIC: Creepy cow?

PARANOIA: Creeeeepy coooow. Moooooo.

CYNIC: Why. Why. Why.

RANDY: Sex sex sex sex sex.

Phil is just staring at Gorgeous. Paranoia is doing creepy cow impressions to Randy who is gesticulating wildly.

GORGEOUS: Can I help you?

They freeze.

PHIL: um. Yeah. Have you got the time?

GORGEOUS: Yeah. It’s twelve fifteen.

PHIL: Right. Thanks.

The voices are frozen. Slowly Randy begins to mutter…

RANDY: Sex sex sex sex sex sex

CYNIC: Do you have to?

RANDY: You know. If you’d just lighten up a bit then maybe he wouldn’t/

CYNIC: /be single/

RANDY: /yes.

CYNIC: Remember why he’s single? Why he’s dumped. Because he’s entirely incapable of being a normal adult. And you with your sex sex sex sex.

PARANOIA: Guys

RANDY: He needs to help repopulate the earth.

CYNIC: Repopulate the earth?

RANDY: Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex./

CYNIC: /How many successful relationships has he had? How many times has he gone up to a girl and then pulled them because of his charm?/

While Cynic and Randy argue:

PARANOIA: I’m going to do it. I’m going to brave it. I’m going to go up to someone and tell them what I think. I’m going to slap them on the arse. No longer am I going to be scared of people. What are people anyway? simple body mass. This is a new day, a new era when this voice breaks free from their role and has the….oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.

RANDY: / Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex./

PARANOIA: I’m scared

RANDY: Oh grow up.

CYNIC: No, you grow up. You’re immature with your sex drive. Oh look at me. I need sex to be a real man. You’re pathetic.

RANDY: And you’re lethargic.

CYNIC: Oh. Hit me where it hurts, my lethargy.

RANDY: You are useless.

CYNIC: Moi?

RANDY: Oui. Toi.

CYNIC: This is all, without question, your fault.

RANDY: Me? Moi.

CYNIC: Oui. Toi. So May I suggest you shut up and stop doing that./

RANDY: /What?/

CYNIC: /what what/

RANDY: /yes what/

CYNIC: If you go on like that any longer you’ll just get him into/

RANDY: /trouble?/

CYNIC: /you said it/

RANDY: /well you know at least I try/

CYNIC: /oh how could I forget?/

RANDY: /like to see you do what I do/

CYNIC: /with ease/

RANDY: /oh yeah/

CYNIC: /you make it eloquently easy to bugger things up in the most inconceivably royal fashion/

RANDY:/yeah? Yeah?/

CYNIC: I’m sorry but [impersonating Phil from earlier] ‘the badgers nadgers’ where did that come from/

RANDY: /I hate you if you weren’t so/

CYNIC: /struggling for expletives?/

RANDY: /wanna see eloquent?/

CYNIC: /I’d love to see you try/

RANDY: /you’ll eat those word/

CYNIC: /I’m ready. Got me knife and fork/

RANDY:/ yeah yeah/

CYNIC: /alrite/

Suddenly Phil launches into conversation. 

PHIL: Excuse me. This’ll seem a little. But. Okay. I got this for my girlfriend. 

He shows her the scarf.

PHIL: I mean. Would you like it?

Gorgeous looks at it. She feels it in his hand.

GORGEOUS: Yes. It’s fine.

PHIL: That’s what I thought.

GORGEOUS: Why didn’t she like it?

Phil is silent.

GORGEOUS: I’m sure it’s not the scarf.

PHIL: Yeah. Me too.

GORGEOUS: Oh really?

PHIL: Yeah.

CYNIC: /You can’t say that./

RANDY: /It’s working/

CYNIC: /it’s lies. Nat just left it here/

GORGEOUS: Well. If she really loves you she wouldn’t care what the present’s like

PHIL: Yeah. But I don’t think she does.

GORGEOUS: That’s too bad.

PHIL: Yeah.

CYNIC: I can’t believe you’re making him do this/

PARANOIA: /you’ll come unstuck/

CYNIC: /Machiavellian in the extreme/

PARANOIA: /she’ll bust you/

PHIL: What are you reading?

GORGEOUS: Just…oh it’s just a thing from the front of cosmopolitan.

Phil smiles. Silence.

GORGEOUS: Look. Are you okay?

PHIL: I’m fine.

GORGEOUS: You sure?

PHIL: Yeah. 

GORGEOUS: Were you going out long?

PHIL: Yeah. A year. Today.

CYNIC: Oh my god! Stop it.

RANDY: but she’s hooked/

PARANOIA: /she’ll get you/

GORGEOUS: And the scarf?

PHIL: Present.

GORGEOUS: She didn’t like it?

PHIL: She just left it here.

CYNIC: that’s it I’m taking over/

RANDY:/no, that was a half truth leave it/

PHIL: Now I’m just a bit like…

GORGEOUS: Yeah. Totally.

Silence.

GORGEOUS: Why do you think she doesn’t love you?

PHIL: She thinks I’m immature.

RANDY: /You’re so boring./

CYNIC: /at least it’s not some half-bait/

GORGEOUS: Well you don’t seem immature. And it is a nice scarf. It’s not like you got her edible undies

CYNIC: /DON’T!/

RANDY/PHIL: Last Christmas!

GORGEOUS: Right.

Pause. As the pair continue to talk, the voices hold audience.

GORGEOUS: And did she like them?

PHIL: She said the dog ate them.

GORGEOUS: Doesn’t have a dog.

PHIL: No. No dog. 

GORGEOUS: [Picking up the scarf] But at least you got her this. It’s nice.

PHIL: Yeah.

GOEGROUS: Where’s it from?

PHIL: I don’t remember. Doesn’t the label say?

GORGEOUS: No….it’s been cut off.

PHIL: Oh yeah. I cut it off.

Pause.

GORGEOUS: And how will she know how to wash it?

PHIL: It doesn’t matter.

GORGEOUS: Why?

PHIL: Because. Because I didn’t buy it her.

Gorgeous nods. Silence.

GORGEOUS: So I read these things in here. You know. It’s one of those ghastly books about how to date properly. And you’re in here actually.

PHIL: Really?

GORGEOUS: [Handing him the book] Yes. Look. Just there.

PHIL: ‘Immature, prepubescent guy who lies horrifically to try and’…I wasn’t trying to get you into bed.

GORGEOUS: Too ugly am I?

PHIL: No you’re very beautiful.

GORGEOUS: You’re all the same!

PHIL: No! You are! No matter how I answered you would have/

GORGEOUS: /no you are! I’m sorry but at what point did I express an interest in you sexually. Never. I try and be polite. I’m polite to the guy who’s probably hitting on me because he might not be and then I’d keep on wondering and now I see, that, in fact, he is, like all others/

PHIL: /I’m not like all others/

GORGEOUS: /well put your money where your mouth is/

PHIL: It’s not fair. You women. You make life so hard. You’re incomprehensible. In-com-pri-hensible. No matter what I do…

GORGEOUS: What? Lie? Make fart jokes? 

PHIL: What did you say?

GORGEOUS: What?

PHIL: No after that.

GORGEOUS: After what?

PHIL: After you said what, what did you say?

GORGEOUS: What?

PHIL: You said make fart jokes didn’t you? I haven’t made any fart jokes.

GORGEOUS: I know. But you obviously do.

PHIL: Would you mind not pigeon holing me into/

GORGEOUS: /well I really think you pigeon hole yourself.

PHIL: What?

GORGEOUS: Made the odd fart joke have you?

PHIL: Maybe. Yes. Yes I have.

GORGEOUS: All I’m saying is that. Okay. You really fit into the pattern.

PHIL: But I’m not a pattern person. I’m interesting. I’m funny. I’ve been through a lot!

GORGEOUS: I’m not saying you haven’t. But if you really have so much substance why all the. You know.

PHIL: Okay.

GORGEOUS: Okay?

PHIL: Okay. But I just think if you knew me better.

GORGEOUS: But from the way you behave. I really don’t want to.

PHIL: Thanks.

GORGEOUS: But I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. 

PHIL: What do I do then?

GORGEOUS: About the way you behave or about how to deal with your girlfriend situation? Well I’ll tell you. Just don’t try so ‘hard’, don’t fall into the stereotypes that make women hate you, just be yourself, accept your flaws and just, I don’t know, just make friends with girls and respect them rather than trying to impress yourself with your macho ness. So speak to her, tell you you’re sorry, that you love her, don’t try and jump on her, try and build back your trust and show her you can handle an adult relationship and all that that entails. Because if you love this girl then you are prepared to make this decision I’m sure. You’re just a misguided fool and you need to be pointed in the right direction. Ok. That make sense?

PHIL: Yeah it helped. But it’s very easy to know what to do, harder to actually do it…

He trails off. The old woman is next to the bin. Leering. She picks up the banana skin and moves it to its position from scene one. She looks around winks at Phil and sweeps off stage.

GORGEOUS: Do you know her?

PHIL: Well, I some how get the impression that I’m metaphysically connected to her in some way. Doesn’t matter now though she’s gone off stage.

They laugh.

GORGEOUS: What?

PHIL: Oh, you know what they say…all the world’s a stage…and she’s just an extra.

They pause. Disjointed.

PHIL: What were we?

GORGEOUS: Um.

PHIL: I can’t seem to

GORGEOUS: I know. I feel a bit.

PHIL/GORGEOUS: lost.

PHIL: You feel lost! I’ve just been dumped/

GORGEOUS: /of course! You’ve been dumped.

PHIL: You were re-writing my life for me.

GORGEOUS: Giving you friendly advice.

PHIL: Yes. But. But what use is what you’re telling me. I can’t change. It’s not in my nature. It’s not in my character.

GORGEOUS: It may seem hard. But you can break out of it. If she was with you for a year she obviously fell for you, you have something to offer her. Try and just find that will you? Anyway, I hope it works out for you. I have to go now; I’ve got to get back. Please do the right thing, you’re an idiot but I don’t think you are destined to be one. 

She leaves. We become aware of the father figure standing behind the bench. As he speaks the action freezes.

FATHER: He meanders through life, dreaming away. Female qualities. He should be focussed. He is a man now. He should start thinking about starting his own family. Stupid boy. She’s right that girl. Needs to grow up I’d say. You must agree. Stupid boy.

He moves to exit; as he passes one of the voices he taps it on the shoulder. The scene re-animates. The voices produce a figure of Nat from behind the bench. They then push her towards him, while he has his back turned, she reaches out and grabs him by the scarf.

NAT: Phil Douglas.

PHIL: What? Hello. God…Natalie…

NAT: What you doing here?

PHIL: Drinking actually. You?

NAT: Same. Wow…you look…great!

PHIL: You look great too. Really great.

NAT: So…what are you doing then?

PHIL: Oh you know…in between jobs. You?

NAT: Just been promoted. Out celebrating.

PHIL: Because I’ve never seen you in here before…

NAT: I don’t usually come to town so…

PHIL: That would be why.

NAT: You’ll probably see more of me here. My promotion’s moved me to the branch round the corner.

PHIL: Cool…so give me your number then and we could go for a drink…?

NAT: Yeah cool…

PHIL: You’ll never guess who I saw the other day…Thomas Toulson.

NAT: No!

PHIL: Yeah…and he’s married…to Caroline Hicks!

NAT: No! But I thought they/

PHIL:/Yeah me too!

They laugh.

NAT: God do you remember when you and I…?

PHIL: Yeah. I do.

NAT: We had fun. Didn’t we? Stationary cupboard.

PHIL: Morning break.

They laugh.

PHIL: Remember Mr Angus?

NAT: And that guy….Billy Butcher…you locked him in there too…

PHIL: He beat the crap out of me afterwards….

NAT: I’m just getting a drink do you want one?

PHIL: Yeah…surprise me…

She returns to the voices who switch her for a figure of Meathooks. He runs at a pace to Phil, who has his back turned, spins him round.

MEATHOOKS: Think it’s funny do you?

Meathooks punches him in the stomach.

MEATHOOKS: I’ll teach you to lock me in a cupboard.

He pushes him over.

PHIL: I’m sorry Meathooks.

MEATHOOKS: Will be though won’t you. Won’t you? 

Phil is marooned on the ground. Meathooks sits on his legs and they mime flushing Phil’s head down the toilet. Meathooks leaves Phil on the ground. He crawls onto the bench and begins to cry. The Old Woman enters and sweeps as before.

PHIL: How many times can you sweep one place? It’s clean.

She goes to the bin and starts throwing out the bits of card over the stage.

OLD WOMAN: Clean is it? What about all of these bits of card people keep putting everywhere?

PHIL: You’ve just put them there!

OLD WOMAN: But have I Phil? Have I really?

PHIL: How do you know I’m/

OLD WOMAN:/metaphysical Phil. Said it yourself. Ooooh….hold that thought.

The Old Woman is poised in the background. Phil reacts. The runner enters at a pace and slips on the banana skin. Comedy fall as before. 

PHIL: Are you okay, mate? Here do ya want a hand?

Phil helps Meathooks up. When he sees Meathooks’s face the scene freezes. Phil steps away from Meathooks and turns to the Old Woman.

PHIL: What the hell is this about? I’ve seen you all morning, hovering about, playing with bits of card and banana skins. Now can you tell me please, and in a way that I will understand, what the hell is going on?

OLD WOMAN: This is your problem Phillip. When it comes down to it, you don’t know when you’ve got it good. This is a defining moment in your life, a singular, defining moment. Sort it all out in one fell swoop.

PHIL: Do you think I should hit him? Do you think I should hit him?

OLD WOMAN: Do you think you should hit him? If I had a card right now, do you know what it would say? Scene 3, ‘Phil’s Indecision’.

PHIL: What are you asking me to do?

OLD WOMAN: Look. Here. On plate. Meathooks. Billy Butcher as everybody called him. You, for once, have a chance to settle old problems that have been on your mind for six whole years.

PHIL: Yes. I understand.

OLD WOMAN: At last. The boy sees.

PHIL: It’s his fault. Isn’t it? If it weren’t for him…he’s the guilty one.

OLD WOMAN: He does have. Cancer.

PHIL: Yes. Yeah he does.

OLD WOMAN: So what you going to do?

PHIL: I don’t know. What do you think I should do.

OLD WOMAN: Phillip! It’s up to you. YOU have to decide. YOU. This is your action.

PHIL: Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. [He moves across to Meathooks].

He looks Meathooks in the eye.

PHIL: Awww…fuck it.

He punches Meathooks in the stomach. Meathooks is initially stunned but easily overpowers Phil.

MEATHOOKS: I’m sorry Phil.

PHIL: Yeah thanks. Cheers.

The voices re-appear. They slowly approach Phil as if they have just emerged from hiding places. They exchange worried glances and eventually make it to Phil, who is still sprawled on the ground.

PARANOIA: I’m going to die.

CYNIC: You don’t hit people. It’s stupid.

RANDY: Yeah. But it’s okay. He’s only Meathooks.

PARANOIA: I’m dying!

CYNIC: It’s not bloody Meathooks is it? it’s Billy Butcher

PARANOIA: I can’t feel my leg.

RANDY: Dead leg/

CYNIC: /stop complaining. 

RANDY: Yeah. You got what you were after.

CYNIC: No, no, no, I get it. We didn’t do the right thing did we? 

PARANOIA: I mean Billy was never that bad but look how we haunted Phil. 

CYNIC: That wasn’t right. 

RANDY: The Old Woman gave us a choice, and we still made him bloody hit him. 

PARANOIA: Didn’t really work

RANDY: And everybody saw. So embarrassed.

CYNIC: Well we should be embarrassed.

RANDY: He deserved it though.

CYNIC: No he didn’t. This is exactly the point.

PARANOIA: Yeah and he’s got cancer.

CYNIC: We should have left it. 

RANDY: We could have left it, we could have made him say

CYNIC: I’m sorry about what happened, that I don’t hold any grudges and I heard you had cancer and I’m very sorry and I hope it all turns out fine. 

PARANOIA: And then we could have got him to admit that 

CYNIC: yeah he was a bastard to Meathooks at times as well. 

RANDY: And then he could have gone to Natalie’s and given her back the scarf and everything would have been fine. And she would have said how Phil was a completely different person to half an hour ago and 

CYNIC: everything would have been hunkey dory. 

PARANOIA: But as it is, we’ve got him beaten up again. And even if he does change he’ll never be able to patch it up with Billy and that is bad. 

CYNIC: That is terrible. 

RANDY: The Old Woman was right. It was a defining moment in his life and do you know how we’ve chosen to define him. 

CYNIC: We’ve defined him as the nob that he really is

PARANOIA: or the nob we’ve made him. 

VOICES: We get it.

RANDY: We get it.

CYNIC: We get it.

PARANOIA: We get it.

The Old Woman and the Father have appeared on the bench either side of Phil.

OLD WOMAN: At last they get it

RANDY: And a fat lot of good you two were. 

VOICES: I’m sure his real dad wasn’t like you. You have been a burden on his shoulders since he was a child. 

RANDY: No wonder he feels inadequate, you harking on about dying in battle when all he does is sell light bulbs.

CYNIC: And you old hag. 

PARANOIA: Old person. 

VOICES: All day, in his ear and what have you done, 

RANDY: eh? 

CYNIC: Couldn’t have just said? 

RANDY: Couldn’t you have just said ‘stop being a nob’ eh?

OLD WOMAN: (tutting) And where’s the theatre in that?

VOICES: What?

OLD WOMAN: I wish you would just think. Think about it all. Think about cancer.

CYNIC: Terminal disease.

PARANOIA: Terminal

CYNIC: Terminal

RANDY: Terminal

CYNIC: You have permission to land. 

ALL VOICES: (Cinematic) The End. 

PHIL: [getting up]God. I’m SUCH a fool.

CYNIC: Well duh.

RANDY: What on earth do I do now?

PARANOIA: He’s going to call the police or something.

CYNIC: If only he hadn’t recognised me.

RANDY: It’s not So bad. He might just forget about it.

PARANOIA: might? SO bad? MIGHT?

CYNIC: Shut up

PARANOIA: But he MIGHT come back here. He MIGHT come and beat me up again. He MIGHT kill me this time.

RANDY: Always a faster runner…remember?

Meathooks runs on at a terrific pace and knocks Phil clean to the floor. Nat jumps from behind the bench.

He gets Phil in a headlock.

MEATHOOKS: Think that was clever eh? Showing me up in class? Eh?

Kate has become Nat, younger. She stands on the bench.

NAT: Billy!

MEATHOOKS: Think you’re clever. Think it’s funny do you?

PHIL: yeah. I do. Fat boy…

Meathooks shoots up, throwing him to the floor. He makes as if to kick him but Nat is there. 

NAT: Billy. Please.

MEATHOOKS: For you, Nat, for you.

Nat reaches over to Phil. The bar.

NAT: Phil Douglas.

PHIL: What? Hello. God…Natalie…

NAT: What you doing here?

PHIL: Drinking actually. You?

NAT: Same. Wow…you look…great! Nice tan.

PHIL: Yeah. Holiday. You look great too. Really great.

NAT: Stop it. What I’m trying to say is…when I met you in the pub I thought…you’d grown up. I looked at you with your car and your hair and I thought…this guy I went out with in school. But the only thing that had changed was your hair.

PHIL: You’re breaking up with me because of my hair?

NAT: No. Look. Just forget the hair. Okay?

PHIL: You started it.

NAT: No! It’s not about your hair. It’s just. It’s just.

PHIL: What?

Pause.

PHIL: What?

NAT: Okay. It is your hair. It’s like the only thing you’ve managed to change is your hair. See. See? You’re twenty-four. And it is nice that you’ve retained your youth and your sense of humour. And I really like that about you but there’s more to life than toilet jokes.

Meathooks Grabs Phil and forces him to the floor. They mime flushing his head down the toilet. Over this the following dialogue.

NAT: I know he made life hard for you/

PHIL:/hard!/

NAT:/but Christ. He didn’t kill you/

PHIL: And I’m not killing him.

Meathooks becomes JAMIE.

JAMIE: we have been trying to be all that you would have wanted us to be, even though we can never

Children A and B enter and begin to run circles around Phil and Jamie. Nat approaches the edge of the circle.

NAT: I looked at you with your car and your hair and I thought [she steps into the circle] think your father would have liked it?

PARANOIA: If I have to spend one more second on this bench 

RANDY: I’m not ready to face the world yet

PARANOIA: I’m going to explode. EX-PL-OOOOODEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil approaches Nat, she becomes Kate.

PHIL: boats everywhere. Planes, explosions. Violence.

Phil whips around kicks Meathooks.

OLD WOMAN: There is an opportunity in this moment, to take all of your problems, and explain them away in one neat punch.

Meathooks gets up and gets Phil in a headlock.

MEATHOOKS: Think that was clever eh? Showing me up in class? Eh?

Nat stands on the bench.

NAT: Billy!

MEATHOOKS: Think you’re clever. Think it’s funny do you?

PHIL: yeah. I do. Fat boy…

Meathooks shoots up, throwing him to the floor. He makes as if to kick him but Nat is there. 

NAT: Billy. Please.

MEATHOOKS: For you, Nat, for you.

PHIL gets up and runs straight into Gorgeous.

GORGEOUS: I’m not saying you haven’t. But if you really have so much substance why all the. You know.

He turns but Nat is there.

NAT: And it is nice that you’ve retained your youth and your sense of humour. And I really like that about you but

He turns but Au Pair is there

AU PAIR: you will never have a girlfriend. Let alone a wife.

He turns again to Nat

NAT: think your father would have liked it?

JAMIE: we have been trying to be all that you would have wanted us to be, even though we can never

Children A and B enter and begin to run circles around Phil and Jamie. Nat approaches the edge of the circle.

NAT: I looked at you with your car and your hair and I thought [she steps into the circle] think your father would have liked it?

PARANOIA: If I have to spend one more second on this bench 

RANDY: I’m not ready to face the world yet

PARANOIA: I’m going to explode. EX-PL-OOOOODEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil approaches Nat, she becomes Kate.

PHIL: boats everywhere. Planes, explosions. Violence.

Phil whips around kicks Meathooks.

OLD WOMAN: There is an opportunity in this moment, to take all of your problems, and explain them away in one neat punch.

Meathooks gets up and gets Phil in a headlock.

MEATHOOKS: Think that was clever eh? Showing me up in class? Eh?

Nat stands on the bench.

NAT: Billy!

MEATHOOKS: Think you’re clever. Think it’s funny do you?

PHIL: yeah. I do. Fat boy…

Meathooks shoots up, throwing him to the floor. He makes as if to kick him but Nat is there. 

NAT: Billy. Please.

MEATHOOKS: For you, Nat, for you.

PHIL gets up and runs straight into Gorgeous.

GORGEOUS: I’m not saying you haven’t. But if you really have so much substance why all the. You know.

He turns but Nat is there.

NAT: And it is nice that you’ve retained your youth and your sense of humour. And I really like that about you but

He turns but Au Pair is there

AU PAIR: you will never have a girlfriend. Let alone a wife.

He turns again to Nat

NAT: think your father would have liked it?

Father is standing on the bench. Phil fights his way towards him restrained by all.

FATHER: And are you proud?

PHIL: What?

FATHER: Are you proud?

AU PAIR: Well it’s pretty bad thing to say.

The other characters get the better of Phil. He falls over.

CYNIC: With that beer belly?

PARANOIA: That’s it. Let’s go

RANDY: No we can’t

PARANOIA: Can we please just go.

CYNIC: Shut up!

PARANOIA: If I have to spend one more second on this bench 

RANDY: I’m not ready to face the world yet

PARANOIA: I’m going to explode. EX-PL-OOOOODEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meathooks begins to beat him up again.

PHIL: boats everywhere. Planes, explosions. Violence.

NAT: /stop it!/

OLD WOMAN: There is an opportunity in this moment, to take all of your problems, and explain them away in one neat punch.

Meathooks gets Phil in a headlock.

MEATHOOKS: Think that was clever eh? Showing me up in class? Eh?

Nat stands on the bench.

NAT: Billy!

MEATHOOKS: Think you’re clever. Think it’s funny do you?

PHIL: yeah. I do. Fat boy…

Meathooks shoots up, throwing him to the floor. He makes as if to kick him but Nat is there. 

NAT: Billy. Please. Stop.

The old woman has got hold of Phil, seemingly out of nowhere. She is holding a flask of tea.

OLD WOMAN: Tea Phillip? Do you want some tea Phillip?

The stage picture, in all its chaos is frozen. All characters in suspended animation. Phil takes the flask of tea from the old woman who is now seated on the bench. He takes a sip and then gets up and wanders amongst the ‘statues’ of his thoughts. He examines each of them intricately. Touching, feeling the texture of their faces…hair. As he examines each of them he remembers the significance they have. Eventually he finds Nat. He looks into her eyes and then places the scarf around her neck.

PHIL: I’m so sorry I’ve been such a fool.

The statue raises its hand and strokes his face.

NAT: I know. But you’re still dumped.

Phil nods as she leaves. He returns to the bench. Sits down. Everyone else has disbanded. Lights up. As the audience files out, Phil is still seated on the bench.