NOV. 8TH RECAP - THE CAR ACCIDENT
Sandy and I headed out at 6:00 a.m. Wednesday morning to stand in line for assistance for my electric bill. They do local assistance for the Winter months for Houston County today. Never made it there so I missed out on the assistance.

We were in a traffic accident. A lady came out of nowhere and hit us on the driver's side, spun us around and over a curb, and totaled her car. We barely missed the Barrow's Furniture sign. She sprung her left wrist and arm and I had horrible chest pains. Since I have an aortic aneurysm near my heart and was having chest pains, they called an ambulance. We both ended up in the emergency room.

They took x-rays and a catscan of my chest and my neck and back. No tears on the aneurysm and no fractures in the back or neck, but terrible pain in both. So I did get muscle relaxers and pain meds. I can barely walk and Sandy can't use her left hand or arm. She's in a brace.

They separated us into two different rooms. I went into the cardiac care room. They hooked me up to a heart monitor and left me there. No nurse or doctor for two hours. The machine started beeping and beeped for twenty minutes. I didn't have the nurse call button so I called out "hello! Help!!" No one came in. Nurses passed by, but no one came in. The machine kept beeping. If I had a heart attack, I would have been dead. Finally after twenty minutes of yelling help, someone came in and did just that. Was I indeed in an American hospital??? And in a cardiac Unit???? I was attached to wires and could not get up for help. I didn't have anyone with me. I don't have any family. I was alone. And they left me alone. No one checked on me. The only person I saw was a nurse at the beginning and the doctor two hours later. Then the x-ray guy and the Catscan lady afterwards. I had to beg for pain medicine before I was released. JUST UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Sandy is car - less now that her car is gone completely, totally unreparable. She can't afford a new one so she will be swapping cars back and forth with her sister till she can figure out what to do next.

I'll be on pain meds and doctor follows up for awhile. It hit every joint.

Sandy's foot hit the gas instead of brake so the seatbelt didn't catch and I was bouncing all over the car for awhile. Now paying for the bounce!

I'm not big on holidays especially since I don't have family anymore, but I'm thankful this year to have Sandy and myself make it through this safely.

Please remember HER in your prayers.........she really needs a blessing to come her way for a car!!

Thanksgiving is just a week or so away. May you be thankful for the family and friends who are in your life.

Thinking of My Brother
It is October and I think of my brother more this month than any other. One reason is Halloween. He loved it so! When I was young, he and his friend next door would create a stuff dummy to look like a dead body, put a knife in the middle, and carry it down the darkest street in town. This was back in the 1960's. So many phone calls came into the police department of that small town! They never found the body or the "killers" that night. Of course, I never understood what was going on since I was so small, but I remember the stories later on.

My brother was 13 years older than me. We were the only two children in the family. I was not expected to come along, but my father decided it was best for him to have a sibling in this world to look after him. So when my mother was 41 and my dad was 40, I was born. NEVER do that to a child. I wouldn't recommend it. Coming from a child's point of view, it was not a good thing having older parents.

My dad worked full time all of the time, but we grew up poor. Had it not been for my brother, I wouldn't have had Christmas presents. He made sure I had a good Christmas every year. Christmas is the saddest time of all for me not because of gifts, but because I miss both of my parents and especially my brother. I seem to feel that emptiness more strongly then. It hits me like a title wave.

My brother died 12 years ago on October 27th from cancer. He was 46 yrs. old. It was unexpected. He had a horrible kidney stone that would not pass. The doctor suggested surgery. While in to take out the stone, they discovered cancer in his abdominal area. He took chemo for six months, even went to M.D. Anderson Cancer Hospital in Houston, TX, but it only prolonged his life for six months.

During that time, I took care of him full time, along with my dad who was dying of emphesemia, and worked a full time job during the day. It was the hardest time of my life. But nothing was harder than giving him up to cancer and then helping my dad grieve the loss of his child daily while grieving my only brother's loss. The year after my brother died, I was diagnosed with lupus.

The irony of it all is I was born to be here for my brother after my parents were gone. They all died before I was 35 yrs. old and left me alone.

This world is filled with horrible diseases. You have to find a peace in your own life to go on. God didn't create the illnesses, but He does give the peace. Otherwise I'd be in a mental hospital!

WILL IT EVER END????
Sometimes I wonder if life will EVER get better. I'm $9,000 in debt. The entire debt is from all the medications (all twenty meds I fill each month) I've had to take for the lupus PLUS illnesses the disease has caused. Not having enough to pay out of pocket from the monthly disability, I had to charge some. Over the years, the debt added up. If only a financial miracle of $9,000.00 would drop into my lap so that I could pay off that albatross! Now that I have the medicare prescription card, my medications are $100.00 total a month. So much easier to manage, but still hard for me to make it with the debt. My landlord increasing my rent $100 extra a month did not help!!

Every day I get up just hoping something good will happen to change my life for the better, someone will actually reach out to me to help me make it out of this horrible town. I feel so trapped here and would give anything to get out. If this debt were paid off, I could at least afford to save up over time to get out. I have a dear college friend who has offered to help me move where she lives in Iowa. At this point it would take a miracle just to find the money to get to that point.......surely the people there are more loving, kind, friendly than here.

I've reached the point of getting physically sick when I go outside now. The only time my neighbors speak to me is to complain. I don't bother them. I don't have parties, attract the "wrong" people, create noise of any kind. My crime?? I feed kitties who come to my doorstep.......that's it. And a lady in town paid to have the kitties, all five of them, to be fixed and have shots. THey do no damage, they stay in my small privately fenced in yard, and don't bother anyone either.

WHY do people have to treat others so heartlessly? Many holidays have passed here. I see their families come to visit. I am home alone. No one ever knocks on my door, yet they know I'm alone and have no family. I've been shunned because I'm "poor". It is so much easier to judge someone than to find out the rest of the story.....if they did, they would know I'm a college graduate. I worked full time most all of my life and worked my way through college. I worked full time and took care of my dad and brother while they were very sick. I buried my brother when he was 46. I buried my dad two years later. I came home from my college graduation and took care of my mother for a year before she died.

They would know I became so sick from an illness that I almost died. The illness was diagnosed as lupus. I go to the hospital twice a year for a test to judge the size of an aortic thoracic aneurysm just below my heart to determine when they will do open heart surgery. I have a blood test every four weeks because of the medications I take. Every flare I have causes damage to my body.

They would know I only go to the hospital, doctor's office and grocery store because I have no strength to go anywhere else. They would also know I have one best friend whom I see a couple of hours a week, on Friday and Sunday. Otherwise I'm alone.

Instead, they categorize and shun me.

If people truly do reap what they sow, I don't want to be in the area when the reaping begins!!

NIGHTMARE SATURDAY
NIGHTMARE SATURDAY

Doctor told me to stay off my feet Saturday and no stress. Famous last words! When I woke up, my kitchen floor was flooded! Water was overflowing in both sinks! I threw towels everywhere and started bailing water into buckets. The sink was backed up. So I called my landlord's work because I knew they had an answering service and could call him. I called them back fifteen minutes later and they said someone was on the way. One hour later, nothing.

I went next door and Stephanie's sink was flooded, too. Our places are connected by a pipe joined at the kitchen. When you turn on the water upstairs or downstairs, it flood the other place. So we made a pact not to turn on any water till the problem was solved. Both of us had been using Drano Gel. So every bit of the water came flooding up with chemicals all over the floor.

I called the landlord's work back and talked to them. Told them no one showed. They called again and called me back. He had sent over two SECURITY GUARDS from his work (He owns a security business) to fix our plumbing. How stupid can this be??? Neither new a thing about plumbing, but since they run his trailer park, he sends them. It was now almost 2:00. I started at 10:30 calling his office to contact his service to contact him. The two guys could do nothing. I kept telling his service this is a severe problem and needs a plumber. In fact, I told them there is a root in the pipe and needs roto Rooter. This happens at least once a year. I knew from the dirt in the sink it was the tree root again.

So they call the landlord once again and tell him we can't use water anywhere, including the toilet, in either place. She uses water and my sink fills up and overflows. Same on her side. He said he would take care of it. By this time I was sitting in the livingroom crying. I couldn't take it anymore. And my dear friend, Mark , called about the time I was in the middle of a crying fit. So I cried all over him. You just never know what you're gonna get when you call here!

Stephanie has the landlord's cell phone on record because she works for the place that does physicals for companies. She gets it from work and calls him. He goes by his job, picks up his plumbing snake and doesn't use it. Instead brings a bucket of chemicals over and dumps them in both of our sinks. Now both of our sinks are overflowing with strong, toxic chemicals overwhelming the downstairs area and still stopped up. Now her sink is overflowing with water.

I followed him around and asked him what was he thinking sending up security guards?!?! He said they ran his trailer park and had situations like this. He admitted he didn't want to call a plumber because they cost too much on weekends. I told him this was much worse. Again, I told him it was a root in the pipe. I reminded him I was alone and had nowhere to go and this couldn't wait till Monday. I also reminded him there was a baby next door. We could not do without water till then.

I also told him we needed a plumber. When he saw the chemicals didn't work, I asked him if he was ready to call Roto rooter. He asked me to look up the number. He called.

After waiting for an hour now, I CALLED Roto Rooter. He was working on a job an hour away and it may be Sunday morning now before we could get it done. A house full of chemicals overflowing in our sink. I explained to the plumber what horrible condition we were in and there was a baby next door. He asked why on earth he poured chemicals in that sink?!? I told him because my landlord is cheap and didn't want to pay extra for a plumber on the weekend and this is what he does. When he finally realizes he can't do it, he calls a plumber. The guy told me they were in Dothan all day until now. They could have come out with no problem earlier. By the way, I'm right. There is a root in the pipe. I hate it when men think I don't know what I'm talking about.

It looked like it would be Sunday morning before someone would come out, but the Roto guy felt so bad for us after I called him that he sent someone else out. It took fifteen minutes to get the job done and our line clear. One full day of bailing out water, carrying heavy buckets outside, a sink full of chemicals overflowing onto the floor, chasing the landlord by phone and literally begging for him to call someone. It took fifteen minutes. It was a root in the line.

Doctor said to relax and no stress for Saturday after Friday's epidural. No such luck . I was a miserable sick wreck from the physical and emotional aspects of it all. The fumes still lingered through the night even after scrubbing the kitchen leaving quite a headache.

It simply amazes me someone can raise the rent as much as he does and put people through so much stress as this. The only good thing was he stood at the sink and found the big sink holes and the horrible rips in the floor. Said he would send someone out next week, but I'm not holding my breath. They've been in the floor for over five years now.

THIRD WORLD EPIDURAL!
THIRD WORLD EPIDURAL!

It was quite an experience. Usually I go to Flowers Hospital, but this time he sent me to the Medical Center Pain Management building. Not even adjoined to the hospital. They took my information in an exam room, had to take in my actual medication bottles instead of a printed list as I always do (that was quite a lift as I have 20 and one weighs a ton) and the nurse wrote down every prescription. While she did that, someone from book keeping came in and took my personal information for payment. Then the doctor comes in to test my reflexes, couldn't find much in my left knee, has me bend down and presses till he finds the horrific pain. That was not pleasant.

A few minutes later they have me walk to another room where I lie onto two pillows on my stomach on an exam table. They pull my pants down to my behind exposing more than I had hoped and cramming my shirt underneath my bra. They used an x-ray machine to find the lumbar spot whiched helped when he had to press on my spine. That always makes me nauseous. They put in the numbing medicine first and it hurts worse than anything. Press some more. Then the steroid.

The worst part came when they took the covering off my back exposing my behind and washed off the betadine. They just stood there talking about their weekend while I lay there exposed to to the world. Then the nurse grabbed the sheet and yanked me off the table dropping my body to the floor. My legs were numb and I could barely stand up. I had to walk back down the hall to another room, sit in a reclining chair and be observed for thirty minutes. She did not help me. I walked with my hand along the wall and carrying my cane in the other. She gave no warning about yanking me off the bed either. What a shock!

I have bad problems with low blood pressure. In fact, when I have one of these, it goes so low I'm usually the last person to leave because they can't let me go until the pressure goes back to normal. Friday it went down to 85 and up to 90 and back down to 85. It took longer than 30 minutes to release me.

If and when I have to go back for another, I go back to Flowers Hospital. After they give you an epidural, they put you in bed and monitor you with far more care. I felt like I was in a 3rd World Country Friday! Hoping this is the last epidural!

Sick again!
I've been sick all week from another lupus flare. The meds don't work, but my doctors don't hear me. Sometimes I think I'm over medicated. The prescription laxatives don't work. I'm sick of it all. It frightens me because my body is slowly stopping and no one is doing anything.

This disease has robbed me of all of my self esteem. I feel like a shell with no soul. An existence. How I wish someone would come up with a cure for lupus.

End of the month and no money. Sometimes I wish I could just treat myself to something. Anything. I can't remember the last time I bought a piece of clothing.

I joined freecycle.com a year ago. Now and then I find something, but someone always beats me to it. Since I cannot sit at the computer for a very long time anymore due to my back problems, I set out to see if anyone out there had a laptop they no longer used. That way I could sit on the sofa and write my poems again and write the book I've wanted to write before I die. No luck. How I wish I had a laptop again.

A MARCH MONDAY ENTRY
It has been many months since I last wrote an entry in my "diary". I simply gave up. And after reading my last entry, I realized nothing has changed since then. I'm still living in the same place. I'm still struggling alone. Every day is the same. The only changes have been my health.

My latest lupus attack has been on my digestive system. It has slowed to a crawl. The colonoscopy showed I'm not able to pass my pills. More meds added to the list. This time liquid to help things along.

Last night I went to a free Steve Green concert at First Baptist. I normally wouldn't go because I literally hate to sit in a church where people ignore you. I haven't been there in a year and one person spoke to me. As I said, I endured the location.

While sitting in the balcony, I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me taking me back to Asbury College chapel. For an hour I was in Wilmore, KY and not Dothan, AL. I was in a place where people treated me like someone who mattered, who believed in me, who loved me. I was in a place where my tomorrows were full of hope and my todays were full of friends and laughter. And before the second song was over, my heart was in a million pieces because I was imprisoned in a town of self righteous selfish people who don't care about people who are not a part of their world.

God please give me strength to trust you one more time to give me faith to know You are in control of who I am and where I am and the knowing that You will bless me with the best once again. You will make my life matter and give me friends and loved ones who will love me and believe in me. You will fill my tomorrows with hope and my todays will firends and laughter once again. And you will wipe away the horrid memories of the self righteous people who never cared about people like me who never mattered.

God, please help me to matter again.

A NOVEMBER UPDATE
My health continues to deteriorate. The place where I live is getting harder to live in. Stairs are harder to climb. The cold, damp air is hard on my joints. It is dark and dreary and I am inside more and more. I need a new place to live, one level, but NOT an apartment. I need a place to live outside of town, away from the constant noise of town. Noise affects the lupus.

I am standing on a rooftop screaming "HELP ME!!!" but no one hears or is it that no one cares?? Please, God, HELP ME!!!

VERY late Update
It has been a long time since I updated this blog. My heart just hasn't been in it. It has been a long summer. Surgery in June, recovery, HOT summer. Loss of my baby cat.

Fall has come, but the heat is still here. Wish it would go away for good.

My last doctor visit gave a permanent nerve damage in both feet and one leg. Diagnosis was mononeuritis multiplex. Caused by lupus. Hard for me to stand more than five minutes. My feet and leg go numb. Hard to hold my balance. Can't walk up and down the stairs very well. I cried the first week. I guess mourning the next loss.

I just feel so alone and sad right now. I've never felt so alone in the world and hate it. I live in a neighborhood where people care only about themselves. They may or may not speak to you, heaven help you if you need help of any kind. No one has ever knocked on my door just to check on me or see if they could ever do anything for me. Yet, they know I am sick and home alone. And this town is full of people just like that.

Last Sunday as I took the trash out to the curb, my neighbor across the street came over to ask me to get a kitten out of her bushes. Her dog was after the kitten and she didn't want it to get killed. She knew I fed kitties. I found out why she wanted me to get the kitten. When she tried to catch him, he scratched her hand. She was afraid her hand would fall off so she called animal control to see if she should go to the ER. I stood there in shock. Now keep in mind I'm in my robe, walking with a cane, barely keeping my balance and I said, "I'm not in any condition to be doing this" as I fall into the bushes to catch this little kitty. Once she finally told me she called animal control I knew I had to find the kitty to save its life. Oh but she said she didnt' call them to pick it up. I told her they would come anyway and would put it to sleep. She said," no they would adopt it out." ANother ignorant person!!

I found it, picked it up, and took it home. He didn't have rabies. The kitten had been in my backyard since birth. Had even scratched me the week before. The lady showed me where she had sat down on a set of needles, all swollen and blue. I told her to be more concerned about that. She said she had a tetanous shot. The kitten had scratched her once. A three month old kitten.

Not once did she offer to help me. Not once did she ask if I was okay or how I was feeling. This sums up my neighborhood. THIS sums up my town.THIS SUMS UP THE CHURCHES HERE. They are so much more concerned with programs and entertaining people that they've left out worshipping God.

And it all makes me sick. I HATE living here. I hate being so poor that all my money goes to medications to stay alive and I have no quality of life. I hate I cannot afford to move to a house in the country where I can take the kitties with me and be safe, out of town and at peace.

A lady in town has a mission to catch kitties, get their shots and have them fixed, and release them to their surroundings. She did this for my stray kitties I feed. I have them with shots and they are fixed. NOW I wish I could move to the country and take them with me. HOW I WISH I COULD MOVE!!! Please God, HELP ME! I just want a quality of life again. My health has robbed me of so much. Just this peace would mean so much.

LOSS OF MY FRIEND
It is with sad heart I share with you the loss of my dearest, best friend. He was my baby, my child. I've had Squirt for 16 years this past March. He was literally the last member of my immediate family, my father's cat. And my heart is deeply broken.

Squirt started breathing very hard on Friday. This morning Sandy and I took him in to my vet, Ken Clark. Squirt was in very big danger. Ken gave him a shot to relax him enough to x-ray his chest. Squirt has always been a fighter and never be a cooperative sort when it came to doctors! So we waited for the shot to kick in. After a short while, he gave him another shot. No sleepy cat. And another. No sleepy cat! Finally Ken took Squirt on back to the X-ray machine. He still hissed at Ken, but was far more relaxed.

Ken said Squirt's bronchial tubes had become scarred rom so many years of having feline asthma. In other words, they were unable to expand enough for him to breathe. It was God's grace he lived as long as he did! Ken allowed me to make the decision at hand. He said Squirt would never be any better. I said my goodbyes this morning before I left home. I knew in my heart Squirt wouldn't make it. But I did kiss him and tell him I loved him. I left Squirt in Ken's arms as I left the office. When he left Ken's arms, he went straight into God's.

I knew when I woke up this morning Squirt would no longer be here by nightfall. Being a Christian, I also believe in my heart and soul God does take animals to Heaven. And I know my dad was standing in Heaven's gates waiting for Squirt to get there this morning. I also know when it comes my time, he and Squirt will be waiting for me. Without Squirt, it wouldn't be Heaven to me.

He was more than a cat. Squirt was my best friend, my constant companion. He was there with me through the death of my brother and my father. He was the reason I got up in the morning. Taking care of him helped me to get through the most difficult times of my life. As Sandy put it, "Squirt ruled the roost!" And there will never be another like him!!

My heart is broken. My spirit is wounded. But my best friend will never have to struggle for another breath or suffer again.

Would greatly appreciate your prayers.

http://www.geocities.com/maryjcal/inmemoryofsquirt.html

What a Week!
This has been a BAD week. I was exposed to Sun. I'm already having a flare. The heat has been over 100 degrees. More lupus reaction. No sleep. Emotional stress. Was given hope that I might qualify for SSI, but found out my income was too high in the State of Alabama. I HATE living in Alabama!! The state is poor. SO that's out. Hopes dashed. The only thing I can qualify for is the new prescription card coming out in 2006. Just broke my heart.

Have only $9.00 in the bank. Want the new Harry Potter book so badly and can't afford it.

My church paid for a maid service to clean my place today. I went out for a little while and came back. They cleaned the bathroom and didn't clean anything else. Stressed me out. I called and told the owner. They didn't even sweep the rooms or even dust!! Now they have to come back. One more disaster!!

And it is just Tuesday.......If I don't get sleep soon I'm gonna be very sick. Already so sick I'm throwing up at night.

Just wish something GOOD would come my way. NEED something good.

HOPING FOR EBAY SALES!
I spent time listing items for sale on ebay. STILL no bids. Praying hard for funds to come my way. I won't make it through the month without help. Please, Lord, help me.

NEED OF FUNDS!
It is JULY 11th and I have $9.00 in the bank. I am in extreme stress over this. HOW will I make it till the end of the month. I am facing a new prescription on the 22nd. How will I pay for the prescription??? I will apply for patient in need but it takes 4-6 weeks to get approved. I don't have the funds for the first prescription. I am so worried!!

Food.......what about food this month??? Lord, please help me!!! You've always provided in my time of need. Please send help!!

HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL
Thanks so much for the NEEDED prayers! It has now been 13 days since my surgery. I'm sorry it has taken me this long just to write you. I've had many lupus fevers and a few flares caused by the surgery that have caused me to take one step forward and three back. This past weekend was one of those flares. The lupus involvment could have been so much worse. One of the biggest lupus involvements have been the extreme fatigue. It has set in hard and doesn't want to give up.

The surgery was a success in that they took everything. The lab showed no cancer. He did find another problem and fixed it. My colon had abrasions on it suggesting I had suffered a bout of colitist (sometimes caused by lupus). It was also stuck to the side of the intestinal wall. He cleaned it off and put it back to where it should be. I can feel the difference there although it is much more sore in that area. Two for the price of one!!

I'm so pleased with Dr. Cleveland. He has a wonderful bedside manner and went out of his way to do all he could for me. In fact, he came in on his vacation just to do my surgery. Also, he was moving while I was in the hospital. He made it in to check on me during the move. I see him again on July 22nd to be put on hormone meds. He gave me a hormone shot in the hospital that is suppose to last till then. Only one hot flash so far.

One thing I've noticed is I've lost my appetite for pretty much everything. To me, this is a good thing! I just hope it lasts.

My best friend, Sandy, has stayed with me since the day I went into the hospital. She goes home today. This would have been a very difficult time in my life without her help. I wish more people were as kind and giving as Sandy. If only there were more Angels on this earth like her.

Too, the people of First United Methodist Church have been like family to me. They just wrapped their arms around me and helped me during the difficult stage of getting through the hosital and making it through the first week of being home. This meant the world to me. To Judy Wise, thank you for the wonderful afternoon you spent with me and the lunch you brought. Your kindness meant the world, too!!

Thank you to those who sent cards and warm wishes via email. And to my friend, Phil Todd and his family, the flowers are gorgeous (they were also the only flowers I received so they were extra special!).

I have a long way to go to start feeling better, but I'm looking forward to getting out of this valley and reaching the mountain top to a brighter day when I do!!!

GETTING READY FOR SURGERY
My surgery is June 8th. Today I'm suffering one last time before they do the complete hysterectomy. I'm doubled over in pain with a high fever. And it is just getting started!

My heart catscan and x-ray is Wednesday. Will check the aneurysm growth before I go in for the other surgery. Better to be safe than sorry.

On June 1st, I go to the hospital to do my pre-surgery stuff and see my doctor one more time. Will be glad to get it all over.

I'll be here alone recovering. I miss my family so much!! Times like these are much harder without them. I will never understand why God took them home and left me here alone. Wish the church people would care enough to reach out. I feel like the "Good Samaritan" story except I keep getting ignored or stepped over.

I'll have to pay for part of the surgery and the medications. I've listed stuff on ebay in hopes I'll sell as much as I can now. Won't be able to do ebay in June.

THE SWEETEST DREAM
It was the sweetest dream about Kevin Spacey. Spent a week in NY with him. Was his guest for a quiet week. No work, no business, no nothing but complete relaxation. At the end of the week he asked me to marry him. I told him he didn't love me so why should I? He took me into a room with a small family photo collage. On the bottom row was a photo of me..........he said he fell in love with me through the letters I sent to him.

He put a 5 carat square cut diamond on my hand (platinum band). I said yes. I went home to help my mom, dad and brother get the house ready for him to come down.

Ended up in a dorm of sorts. Sandy was in the group. They were preparing for a gathering. I helped carry in flowers. Then I looked at my hand and my ring was missing! It was too big when he put it on, but I was going to resize it later. Luckily I found the ring. Sandy saw it and asked if I had lost my mind. It had only been one week with him.

SUNDAY
I had hoped this weekend would be a relaxing time since I was sick this past weekend with an allergy attack. Instead it turned very upsetting and sad. My Miss Fluff was hit by a car, but I don't know how bad she is. She ran into the backyard and I followed her. She was scared, upset and dragging her left leg. When I tried to approach her, she ran into the hope behind my place that leads underneath the house. Now that opening is very small and it is next to impossible to get through it. I couldn't. I opened the lid and talked to her but she just growled and hissed at me and ran further underneath.

There is a wall blocking view so I can't see her anywhere. I left food and water inside the opening and both were gone this morning. I also closed the backyard gate (wooden privacy fence) so that no cat or other animal could get to her. Food and water were gone this morning. I am hoping beyond hope she will be okay and will come out soon.

I feel so helpless. I want to help her but can't reach her. I tried so hard to protect her.....had her fixed, vaccinated, collar and rabies tag and id tag with my info. But I couldn't protect her from this. Is it possible that we are helpless in a cold world? Is it worth fighting to stay alive?

I've had a hard time this past week dealing with people in general. I have always been taught to love one another and help those who are in need. But truth be told I've not been helped by those close to me. Old frieds are gone now. No one ever visits me or calls to see if I am okay. I'm no longer in the day to day fight for work and problems there. So am I nothing because I'm sick and disabled? I feel that way among people.

All I want in my life is peace and a place to live where I feel secure and safe. I live in a safe place right now, but the people around me ignore me. Because I am not in their society level, I am not wanted. "Ignore it and it will go away" attitude rules in this town........are they hoping I will go away? Have I become an IT?

My heart desires to live on the outskirts of town, more country than town, where I can feel more secure and safe and where my cats can go outside and be safe from crazy people tearing around the corner hitting them. And they can be safe from crazy neighbors who set out traps to catch them and send them to their deaths in a pound. What has happened to respect for life? Does it exist anymore? How can people NOT respect life and God's creation? God put us here as caregivers of His creation. Why do so many throw His creation away?

How I wish I could live in the country! I grew up there and miss it so much. How I wish someone would help me make this wish come true.

HELP!
I am overwhelmed with the cost of medicines and now two unexpected bills. Lord, please help me!! The stress is unbearable.

TRAPPED
Mood:  sad
On days when I've been alone for a long time, I feel trapped. I am trapped in a body that doesn't work, trapped in a life with no family, trapped with no way out of the town I've grown to hate. I don't fit in anywhere, not even church. I am sick, disabled, poor......and unwanted. I am trapped in the same medical care that doesn't explore the pain that is horrific, trapped in a lonely existence. Today I wish I would have just stayed asleep......no day is different.

I am sad......empty......and wishing a GOOD change would come into my life to change it for the better.

DREAMS
Today I wish those wonderful dreams I dream would become reality..........Life has become a huge struggle trying to accomplish anything in a day. I still feel so weak from a huge flare last Friday. Sleep helps to wash away the pains inside and out. And dreams give me the life I can never have again.

I've been writing poems for a long time. I decided to share one here:

Rescue Me

When my eyes close for sleep,
I drift away from day to day
In hopes to see your face
In every scene and every space.

I want to feel your hand in mine,
The warmth of the outdoor sunshine,
Two bodies intertwined,
But I can only find you in sleep.

Sweet peace of sweet release
Drifting into your safe arms,
Feeling your face pressed near mine
Lost in your warmth and charms.

No words, no sounds, no harm
None of life's alarms.
No illness, no death, no tears
You've sheltered me from my fears.

Your heart so full of love
Your touch so gentle and calm
Bring healing to my heart
Like nature's healing balm.

The poet in your soul
Your eyes shine forth each word
On ears so desperate to hear
The passion that you stirred.


When I close my eyes
You are in my view
And you bring me a smile
Something so few do.

I can feel your hand
Holding onto mine
Deep inside I search
For something I can find

Standing right in front of me
Rescuing me from pain,
The loneliness gnaws inside my heart
And you rescue me again.

A touch, a hold, a gentle peace,
A gift you give to me.
Sweet dreams do give such sweet release
And you hold the key

To the rescue deep inside my soul
Through hands so strong and kind.
I could never find another
As the man inside my mind.

Mary Calhoun
Copyrighted September 3, 2003