Okay, these were compiled at a board I used to post at. The main contributor was Amlaith/John, and several other people (whose names I can’t remember; sorry! e-mail for credit), with me adding my own little details in there. I thought I’d post them here for your enjoyment. If I ever get bored, I may grab the script and create the Lord of the Pants movie ;)
Council of Elrond . . .
Elrond: Welcome friends, strangers from distant lands, and
wearers of many different pants. We are here to decide the fate of all the creatures of
Middle-earth, for all are bound to this single pair of Pants. Frodo, the Pants.
***************************
Another Council of Elrond
Aragorn: You can not wear them! None of us can. The One Pair answers to Sauron
alone. They have no other wearer.
***************************
Scene: When Boromir is trying to take the pants, before the battle of Amon Hen
Boromir: None of us should wear the pants alone, you least of all. So much depends
on your clothes. Frodo?
Some random snippits...
"You have grown, Halfling. Yes, you have grown very much. You are to big for your
pants. You have Ripped the seam, and now I must go sew in bitterness, in response to
your nakedness. I hate Pants and you!" ~Saruman
"Do not meddle in the affairs of pants, for they are tricky and quick to rip." ~Gildor
"What! a furrier, a man that calls Pants over-rated, when he doesn't turn their pockets
inside out for wash?" ~Bilbo Baggins
"Yea, I will wear thy pants gladly, that so I may forget the fashion of Beleg my master,
and the suits of Brandir slain unjustly. I will wear them proudly." ~The sword Gurthang
"Farewell, O twice hemmed up! A Túrin Turambar turun ambartanen: master of Pants by
Pants mastered! O happy to be Clothed!" ~Niniel, thinking Pants are dumb
"Good heavens! Don't pretend that Orc's don't know, that Pants can Be resized. They can.
A Twelve slim isn't fifteen long . And they know it!" Beorn
"If thou will be worn, I will wear pants gladly. But small help will that be to Morwen and
Nienor. No heed didst thou give to the pants of the Elf-woman. Wilt thou deny also the
thread count of thy trousers?" ~Glaurung to Túrin
"You'll live to regret it, young fellow! Why didn't you dress too? You don't look good in
black ; you're no Baggins - you - you're a Brandybuck! ~Lobelia Sackville-Baggins"
**************************
This is text modified at Amon Hen.
Suddenly Frodo awoke from his dreams of Sauron, " The Red Zipper", he saw in
Galadriel's mirror and he had thoughts on the seams of the Pants. These Pants would not
fray, stain, no they were beyond a rip. A strange feeling came over him, that unfriendly
eyes were staring at his Pants. He jumped up to see Boromir his face was smiling but
clearly looking at Frodo's lower half.
"I was worried about The Pants, Frodo. What if you took them off to go bathing". " In the
middle of the woods near the Seat of Seeing, everyone could see my Pants and me in the
raw if I took them off" replied Frodo. "Frodo, my little comrade, orcs may be nearby, they
were sloppy clothes, I am protecting you from someone stealing The Pants".
"You one of a kind Boromir" answered Frodo. "No speech will help though I'm afraid of
these Pants. They shrink and grow , I'm constantly letting my Pants in and out.
Boromir was silent. Frodo was shivering despite the warmth of The One Pant.
Boromir sat next to Frodo " Are you sure, you need to suffer the 24 hour girdle like
tightening", smirking. " I just want to help you, little one". "Hey, Gondorian I have the
Pants don't call me little. I'm the big cheese in this Fellowship" said Frodo. "Easy, easy just
listen to my Council, you heard Elrond's banter.”
"I think I already know what you would say Boromir". " Cannot", "can ", "cannot" ,
"can". "Boromir you're tiring me, I know what you would say , but I have a feeling in my
Pants". "What kind of feeling" said Boromir. "Never mind it's a Pants thing, the Pants give
me warnings.
'Warnings, warnings, how can Pants give warnings. About what." "Against keeping the
Pants here, they must go to Mordor" said Frodo.
"Oh yeah after we've been protecting you and those Pants for years, you and the other
pantywaists in Hobbiton".
"Sure Captain of Gondor you're brave, but I'm wearing the Pants here chum".
"Look we can either be killed and die valiantly. Yet you have on your legs and lower
torso, a way we will not fail".
"Nope, you will fail if these Pants are not destroyed". said Frodo.
" Ohhhh you mean the Pants" said Boromir his passion for fine dress surging. " The Pants,
well why should we fret about such a thing like your Pants. I didn't ask for the shirt off
your back. I didn't ask for your shoes". "I don't wear shoes" said Frodo. "Thats just a
figure of speech, if you had real feet, you'd have shoes".
" That's an unfair comment on my feet . Boromir, it is best that I should keep the Pants".
Boromir still seemed chilled and friendly.
"As you wish, what do I care for Pants". Then in anger, "thats the same baloney Elrond,
Glorfindal and Gandalf said at that dumb Council. Destroy such elegant and powerful
Pants, what a joke elves and wizards are. Can't you see it Frodo, you were once
descended from man, go not to elves for they say yes and no. Five minutes later Elrond
would have said give Boromir the Pants. Sam your pal ended the Council to quick by
falling through the bushes. Elrond was just ready to do that no , yes thing. Throw them in
a volcano, a good pair of Pants, what were they thinking".
"My mind is clearer now" said Frodo. "Great, so you know they would have saved the
Pants, you'll come to Minas Tirith, you can have my bedroom, it has a great view of the
Anduin" stated Boromir.
"You misunderstand me Boromir".
" Why are you being such a foolish halfling, I need those Pants. I want those Pants. Lend
me those Pants, I beg you".
" No!, no! , said Frodo. "The Council said I should wear the Pants, only me, yes sirree".
Boromir leaped on Frodo. Frodo dodged him. Boromir got a hairful of leaves ( film ).
Frodo then tightened his belt and was gone.
"Miserable Trickster, Pants Thief, and Fashion Mogul". He tripped and got more leaves in
his hair ( film ). "Oh what have I done, could'nt I have been content with these green
leather britches of mine. "Frodo, Frodo " he called. "Come Back, Come Back. I was crazy
about those Pants, it has passed".
Frodo was now invisible sitting in the Seat of Seeing on Amon Hen. He saw pants the
world over, but none like his Pants. He saw Horsemen in pants, hobbits in pants.
Everybody had pants even the woman. Though some had cute pantsuits. Spearmen,
bowmen, tailors, actors, cows, sheep, Uruks, everything had pants. Then he looked at
Mordor, he froze, there before his eyes the huge Red Zipper...."Ash Pants durbatulak, Ash
Pants Gimbatul"....the voice faded. Frodo could feel the Zipper closing on him. Suddenly
his inner voice said...pull down the pants, pull down the pants. He did just that and
swooned.
-Almost the End of "Fellowship of the Pants, Book 1- John ..Amlaith , Aran O
Arthedain , Aran O Lalaith
(Frodo sets the Pants on a pedestal in the center of the council. There are gasps of
awe.)
Boromir: So it is true--the Pants do exist! Tis a gift to the gates of Gondor!
Why can't we use them? We could destroy the Enemy with his own Pants!
Elrond: No, these Pants are too dangerous. For even if you used them out of a
desire to do good, through you they would only render legs too great and terrible to
imagine.
Legolas (standing): Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Pants
must be destroyed! (Softly, to himself):: Personally, the khaki is a shade too light for
my preferences . . .I'd much rather wear my own forest-green leggings . . .
Aragorn: Elrond is right.
Boromir: And what would a ranger know about pants???
Legolas (standing again): This is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn, son of
Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.
Boromir (smirking): This is heir to the throne of Gondor?? Hah! His pants
haven't been ironed in weeks!
Aragorn: Speak no evil of these pants! For these pants are the pants of Narsil,
the very pants that were worn when Elendil stole the Pants from the Enemy. The Elves
are expert seamstresses, and they have stitched them back up, and I have renamed them
Andúril.
Boromir (scoffing): Tis only a dusty pair of pants.
Elrond: The Pants must be destroyed.
Aragorn: What?? My pants?
Elrond: No, not your pants! The Pants!
Aragorn: Phew. For a moment there I thought you meant my pants.
(Lovingly strokes his pants)
Elrond: Well I didn't mean your pants.
Aragorn: Well you scared me. Don't do that again.
Elrond: I don't intend to.
Aragorn: Perhaps from now on you should say "Pants With a Capital P"
Elrond: Okay, I shall do that.
Gimli (suddenly standing): Well, what are we waiting for?? (Attacks the
Pants with his axe. Every gasps and cries out in alarm. His axe break; Pants are
unharmed.)
Frodo (cringing): My entire life flashed before my eyes!
Elrond: The Pants With a Capital P cannot be destroyed by any craft we here
posses. They must be cast into the shadow from whence they came. One of you here
must do this.
(Dead silence)
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor with these Pants With a Capital
P. The gates are black and scary, and the Eye is ever watchful. Every pair of pants are
checked at the door by specially trained guards. Tis a barren wasteland, riddle with ash
and dust and flame and smoke--the very air you breath is a poison. Not with ten thousand
men would you do this. It would take far too long to get past security.
Legolas: But the Pants With a Capital P must be destroyed!
Gimli (spits): I will die before I see those Pants With a Capital P on the
disgustingly scrawny legs of an Elf!
Legolas: I would never put on those Pants With a Capital P! They're far too
stiff! As for you, they wouldn't even fit! You're just jealous of my slim build and stretchy
pants!
Gimli: (Thinks for a moment, then nods). I guess you're right. I would give
anything to have forest-green stretchy pants.
Elrond: They're called leggings.
Gandalf: Personally, I prefer breeches.
Boromir: Oh! I have a delightful pair in my suitcase! Would you like to
see?
Aragorn: I've never taken off Andúril.
Boromir: Ick! Don't they smell??
Aragorn: No. I stuff tree-shaped air-fresheners in the pockets.
Frodo: I will take the Pants With a Capital P!!
(No one hears him above the chatter except Gandalf.)
Frodo (louder): I said, I WILL TAKE THE PANTS WITH A CAPITAL P!
(Dead silence)
Elrond: It will be a dangerous journey, Frodo. You must keep the Pants With A
Capital P safe at all times, away from view. And you must not put them on! You will be
tempted many times--you will yearn to feel the soft khaki fabric against your legs--
Legolas (interrupting): Nay, khaki is not soft.
Elrond: --okay then, the smooth khaki fabric against your legs. You will dream
about the gentle contours, the way they bend and flex with every movement, the way they
fit snuggly around your buttock. But you must not wear them!
Frodo: I understand. I will stick to my own pants.
Aragorn: I swore to protect you. You have my pants.
Legolas: And you have my leggings!
Gimli: And my bellbottoms!
Gandalf: And I suppose my breeches will accompany you, also.
Boromir: If this is indeed the will of the council, then you have my zoobas. The
fate of us all rests on your pants, little one. It is no mere item of clothing that you
carry.
Sam (bursting out from the bushes): My pants are coming too! I will not let Mr.
Frodo go alone. Someone needs to keep him from those Pants!
Elrond (corrects him): Pants With a Capital P.
Pippin and Merry (coming out from hiding): We're coming too!
Pippin: You need someone with decent, clean pants on this trip!
Merry: I better hurry up and wash mine, I guess.
Aragorn: Here, take a few air-fresheners. I have extras.
Merry: Thanks!
Pippin: Now. What's everyone's favorite kind of pants?
Elrond:Nine...Yes, you shall be the Nine Fasion Police, against the Nine Fasion
Victims. You shall be the Fellowship of the Pants.
Boromir: And what would a ranger wearing leather pants know of this
matter?
Boromir: Aragorn? This...is Isildur's heir?
Legolas: And heir to the pants of Gondor.
Boromir: Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants.
Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We can not wear them.
Elrond: You have only one choice. The pants must be bleached.
Gimli: What are we waiting for?
Elrond: One of you must do this.
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor with any pants. Its black pants
are worn by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not wear pants. And the
great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland without laundry detergent, riddled with
denim, thread and needles. The very pants you wear are poisonous. Not with ten thousand
pairs of pants you could do this!
Boromir: I know why you seek other clothes. You suffer; I see it shirt by shirt.
You sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other pants, Frodo. Other clothes that
we might wear.
Frodo: I know what you would wear. And it would seem like good clothes but
for the warning in my heart.
Boromir: Warning? Against what? We're all afraid, Frodo. to let those clothes
drive us away to destroy what pants we have. Don't you see that is fashion
conciousness?
Frodo: There are no other clothes!
Boromir: I only ask for the pants to defend my people! If you would but lend me
the pants...
Frodo: No.
