I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.

If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem.

Be optimistic! All the people you hate are eventually going to die.

If I had two sweaters, I’d give you one. If I had two cookies, I’d give you one. If I had two blankets, I’d give you one. If I had two men, I’d give you another cookie.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He HATES that.

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what the hell just happened.

I prefer to describe my profession as that of a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, “stalker” is such an ugly word.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go because, man, they’re gone. -Jack Handy

The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’ll dance with the cows until you come home. -Groucho Marx

I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some pretty good ideas. -Jack Handy

Just because you can’t see my imaginary friend doesn’t mean he’s not real. He just doesn’t like you.

It works better if you plug it in.

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese. (I love that, lol)

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it and, if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait; I guess that’s like a regular window. (This sounds like a Jack Handy quote, but I’m not sure)

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me? Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny. (This sounds like a Jack Handy quote, but I’m not sure)

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Never insult a tree. They’re big and can fall on you.

I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my food and I realize, “Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner!”

I saw my life flash before me eyes. It was short and, quite frankly, it sucked.

I get plenty of excercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

I was going to take over the world once, but I got distracted by something shiny.

God made the rivers
God made the lakes
God made men
Well, we all make mistakes

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous --everyone has met me yet.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? ~Stephen Wright

Just because I don’t know what I’m talking about doesn’t mean I’m going to shut up.

If you’re ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along,g et better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you. -Jack Handy

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here’s a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, ‘Well, technically, that’s illegal.’ It might fit with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn’t, so what? I hate this stupid party. -Jack Handy

A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. -Jack Handy

I remember when we were kids, one of our favorite games was to play “pirate.” We’d dress up like pirates, then we’d go find an adult walking down the street and we’d go up to him and pull out our butcher knives, which we called “swords” and say, “We’re pirates! Give us your money!” A lot of adults would pretend to be scared and give us their money. Others would suddenly run away, yelling for help. We played pirate until we were twenty or so. -Jack Handy

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ~JH

I think a good product would be a “Baby Duck Hat.” It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. -Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

If you were pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you suppoesd to carry it?! -Jack Handy

I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. -Jack Handy

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal trying to swim to shore because where does he think he’s going? -Jack Handy

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn’t get it unhooked and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you. -Jack Handy

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp because maybe you’ll looke like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy! -Jack Handy

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake! -Jack Handy

You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattles, don’t sort of “accidentally” brand each other every once in a while. It’s their way of letting off stress. -Jack Handy

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

After seeing my therepist for a year, he finally said, “Maybe life isn’t for everybody.”

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I'd be the one standing at the top yelling, "You're all stupid!"

Have a "Hit by a Bus" kinda day!

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Don't 'accidentally' throw a chicken leg at someone you don't like; you'll look stupid. Do it on purpose.

If your parents didn't have kids, chances are you won't have them either.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of them?

Some day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

They have a show called "Unsolved Mysteries." What other kind of mysteries are there?

Excuse me but my friend wants to know if you think I'm hot? (lol, world’s best pick-up line)

Free speech does not include the right to yell “Fire” in a crowded theatre. -Surpreme Court Justice Holmes

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.

I want a guy that’s sensitive and caring and that loves cats. Unfortunately, most guys like that are gay.

I’m not in denial. I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept.

Remember that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot upside the head.

Men are stupid. If you forget, they will remind you.

All guys are jerks. Some are just better actors.

I like who I am and I’m puzzled to find that not everyone shares this opinion.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

When life hands you lemons, cut them up into little pieces and squirt them in people’s eyes. If you have to suffer, they should, too.

Mr Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. -Billy Madison

I’ve discovered that the dashing white knight who was supposed to sweep me off my feet has gotten himself lost in the woods.

I always win. Except when I lose. Then it doesn’t count.

Cry me a river and go drown in it.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, stalk them.

It’s not PMS, I just hate you.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Milk does the body good but dang boy, how much did you drink?

Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.

Think positive: sooner or later, everyone you hate will die.

Everyone has the power of making people happy --some by entering the room, some by leaving it.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Everyone keeps telling me the right guy will come along but I think he got hit by a bus.

Eagles soar but weasles don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Earth is full. Go home.

One day my prince will come. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too much a guy to ask for directions.

Kids in the backseat make accidents. Accidents in the backseat make kids.

There are two sides to every argument: mine and the wrong one.

I have a perfect brain, just like new. Sill in original container and never been used!

Anytime someone keeps getting on your case about something, say: 'I'm not a Burger King, Federal Express, or Library of Congress. I don't do it your way, I don't deliver overnight, and I don't know everything!'

Remember: There's that one special person for everyone. However, with the Earth's population being several billion, it's doubtful you'll even meet this person.

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I dont' know why I'll do it again. -Bart Simpson

People have to calm down. When you're in a crowded subway and you pull into a stop, don't people start to freak out and push to get out of the doors in time? Have you ever actually seen someone not make it out? No. Same with elevators. Ever see someone get into an elevator and then realize it's going up but they wanted to go down? They have a fucking panic attack. Chill out dude, I don't think the elevator is going very far. -Aaron Karo

People who leave their cars on the street with tape covering their broken windows are obviously too trusting. I mean, when your car did have glass for a window, someone broke into it. How is tape any more of a deterrent? What are the thieves going to say? 'Ooh, that like looks like duct tape, we can't beat that. Let's look for one with scotch or masking.' -Aaron Karo

I think the way you can tell if a guy and girl are in a serious relationship is whether or not they have black and white pictures of themselves together. That's the real test. Because it takes effort to get nice black and white photos. If you've gone that far, there's no turning back. -Aaron Karo

On the other hand, you have different fingers. -Jack Handy

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. -Matt Groening, "Life in Hell"

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