(These were posts on a message board I used to post at. Credit is given to them by whatever name/nickname I have for them. If you're on here and wish not to be, e-mail me and I'll remove you pronto!)

From RefriedEctoplasm; 2/16/02::
Top Ten Rejected "Lord of the Rings" Related Products:
10. NERF Morgul Blade
9. Silmarillion MAD-LIBS
8. Old Toby's "Pipeweed Gravity Bong"
7. Barrow Down Barbie
6. The George Foreman Balrog Grill
5. "I Can't Believe It's Not Butterburr!"
4. Saruman Underoos
3. Campbell's "Cream of Lurtz" Soup
2. "Wounded by Shelob" Spider Farm
1. The McBoromir

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From John (who, BTW, is, I think, one of the funniest people in the world; he had all sorts of hilarious remakrs to make)
Lord of the Rings Bumper Stickers
HONK if you love Galadriel.
If you can read this your too close and there's a Balrog in my exhaust.
I'm Legolas don't try to pry my bow from my hands while I'm alive ( NRA like )
My Child is an A+ Student at Gandalf Elementary School.
I've been to RIVENDELL, have you?
Ski Caradhras!!!
I Stop for Hobbits!
Memphis has the KING, and does not need one.
Free Gandalf!
You think you're life is tough, my mother-in-law is an Uruk.

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From RefriedEctoplasm once again; 2/17/02

Dinner with the Fellowship
The Fellowship of The Ring stops in for dinner at a local restaurant…
Hostess: How many in your party?
Gandalf: Nine
Hostess: This way, please. Allow me to remind you that there is an extra gratuity for parties over five.
Gandalf (somewhat wearily): Yes. We are WELL aware of that fact.

The Fellowship is seated and their waitress arrives to take their order for drinks.

Waitress: Hello, my name is Amy, and I'll be your waitress tonight.
Sam: I BEG YOU! LET ME SERVE MISTER FRODO!
Waitress: Now, now! You sit tight honey. I'm the waitress tonight.
Sam: BUT…
Gandalf: SAMWISE GAMGEE! Let the nice lady do her job!
Sam: (sits back in sullen pout)

Waitress (to Gandalf): Would you all like booster seats for the children?
Pippin: What Children?
Merry: Hey Pip, I think she means us!
Gandalf: Hush, you fools. No… the "children" will be fine, thank you.
Waitress: What can I get you folks to drink?
Gandalf: A nice, dry red wine for me.
Aragorn: The same, thanks.
Boromir: What do you have on tap?
Waitress: We have Bud, Bud Lite, Miller, Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, and Corona.
Sam: I don't care much for the Miller.
Frodo: Corona? What's that?
Waitress: It's a Mexican beer. It's real good. We serve it with a slice of lime. "Corona" is Spanish for "Crown."
Aragorn (perking up): Umm. Can I change my order? I'll take the Corona, please.
Boromir (under his breath): Every freakin' time!
Aragorn: What was that Boromir?
Boromir: I said, "I'll bet it tastes great with lime."
Aragorn: Oh.
Waitress: Who else is ready?
Boromir (sullenly): I'll have the Bud.
Gimli: Do you have any Dwarvish Imports?
Waitress: I'm sorry, what?
Gimli: Dwarvish Imports… Durin's Dark, Oakenshield Lager, Bombur Stout?
Waitress: Sorry, honey. We don't have any of those.
Gimli (Grumbles): I'll have a Bud.
Pippin : Do you serve your beer in pints?
Waitress: Well, yes we do, but you kids can't have any, of course.
Hobbits (in unison): WHAT?
Frodo: Miss, how old are you?
Waitress: 34, why?
Frodo: We Shirefolk may appear as children, but I assure you, my companions and I are all in our 30's and 40's.
Sam: Yeah!
Merry: Yeah!
Pippin: Hell Yeah! I want a pint!
Waitress (incredulously): I'm going to need to see some ID.
Frodo: ID?
Gandalf (with calm, eerie voice): ~~~You don't need to see any ID.~~~
Waitress (glazing over noticeably): I..don't...need...to....see...any...ID.
Gandalf: ~~~These hobbits can order any drinks they want.~~~
Waitress: These...hobbits...can...order...any...drinks...they...want.
Gandalf: ~~~You can resume taking our orders.~~~
Waitress: I...can...resume...taking...your...orders.
Hobbits (in unison): PINTS FOR THE SHIRE! THREE CHEERS FOR GANDALF!
Waitress: Pints it is, fellows! And what about you, cutie pie?
Legolas: Do you have any drinks that come with those little umbrellas?
Waitress: Sure. How about a Mai-Tai?
Legolas: That sounds agreeable.

The Waitress departs to fetch the drinks.

Aragorn: Gandalf, how did you do that?
Gandalf: Do what?
Aragorn: That bit with the Waitress over the hobbits and the ID's?
Gandalf (shrugging): I have an English Accent, a beard, and I exude wisdom. The poor girl must have assumed I was someone else.
Aragorn: Wow! I wonder why she didn't hassle Legolas?
Gandalf: She's sweet on him. Hadn't you noticed? It's so obvious it's making me sick.

The Waitress returns with the drinks and serves them. Samwise fidgets noticeably when she serves Frodo his pint.

Waitress: OK. You folks ready to order?
Gandalf: I believe we are. Thank you.
Aragorn: I'll have the Chicken a la King.
Boromir (under his breath): you would.
Aragorn: What?
Boromir: I said, "I wonder if they fuel the grill with wood."
Aragorn: Oh.
Waitress: You want the salad, french fries or baked potato or onion rings with that?
Frodo (blanches slightly and begins to tremble): Rings?
Aragorn: What type of salad is it?
Waitress: Just your basic tossed salad.
Aragorn: I'll have the salad.
Waitress: What about you, sir? Don't forget about our Senior Citizen Discount.
Gandalf (looking mildly peeved): I'll have the "Ring of Fire Buffalo Wings."
Frodo (eyes glazing over): r-ring?
Waitress: Hot, Extra Hot, or "Sweet-Lord-In-Heaven-Help-Me" Hot?
Gandalf: Extra hot will be fine.
Legolas: Gandalf can take the rear guard on tonight's march!
Gandalf: Hrmph!
Legolas: I do not jest, Mithrandir!
Waitress (to Legolas and batting her eyelashes): What about you, cutie pie?
Legolas: I'll have a tossed salad, the stuffed artichoke appetizer platter, an order of Mozzarella Sticks, the Surf and Turf, a bowl of the soup of the day, a side of onion rings, and the chocolate cheesecake for dessert.
Gimli: How you can manage to walk on top of the snow is just beyond me, Mr. Bottomless Pit!
Legolas: I'm an elf. I can eat whatever I want and I never gain a pound. Sue me.
Frodo (looking ghastly and shaking): R-r-rings?
Waitress (looking down at Gimli): What'll you have tonight, sir?
Gimli: I'll have steak. Rare!
Waitress: You want the tossed salad, french fries, onion rings, or baked potato with that? Gimli: Baked Potato, wench! Nobody tosses a Dwarf's salad!
Aragorn (blushing): Sorry ma'am… You can dress him up, but you can't take him anywhere.
Frodo (quivering and drooling): R-R-RINGS???
Waitress: What about you kids?
Pippin: Kids? Hey! I thought we had this settl-
Gandalf: TOOK! Behave!
Pippin: All right then, I'll have the Surf and Turf.
Waitress: We don't serve that off the "Kiddie Menu," I'm sorry. You might like the "L'il Chicken Fingers Dinner."
Pippin (looking across table to Gandalf): Whatever.
Merry: I'll have the "Little Wrangler Steakette" and another pint.
Waitress: Sure thing! You hobbits can order any drinks you want!
Pippin (looking at Gandalf): ---------?
Gandalf: My powers have already been sorely tested this night, Pippin Took. Push not your luck!
Pippin (sulkily): Gimme the "Little Swabbie Fish n' Chips" and another pint.
Samwise: I'll have the Popcorn Shrimp Dinner, and another pint, if you please.
Frodo (still totally glazed over and shaking): Rings! R-r-rings!
Waitress: What'll you have with your onion rings, kiddo?
Frodo (moaning): RINGS! RIIIIIIIIINGS!
Gandalf: He'll have another pint and the "Little Buckaroo Western Omelet." This happens all the time. Don't worry about him.
Waitress: And what about you sir?
Boromir: What is this "Shish-Kebabe?"
Waitress: We take some beef and veggies and we stick skewers into it and cook it to your choice.
Boromir: Skewers?
Waitress : Yep. Three skewers of beef and assorted veggies. BANG! BANG! BANG! It's good.
Boromir: Skewers.... like, umm.... arrows?
Waitress: Well, now that you mention it, I guess they look a little bit like arrows.
Boromir: I'll have the Vegetarian Lasagna.

Waitress: All right! If you folks need anything, you feel free to let me know, OK?
Gandalf: I'm sure we'll be just fine. Thanks.

The Waitress departs, and as the Fellowship sits sipping their drinks and talking softly amongst themselves, a voice (possibly a cook or a bus boy) cries out from the kitchen…

"HEY! THERE'S A CREEPY LITTLE SKINNY DUDE PICKING THROUGH THE DUMPSTER!"

Aragorn: DAMN! I thought we gave him the slip ages ago!
Gandalf: No. The ring calls to him.
Frodo (looking truly miserable): R-r-ing?
Sam: It's all right, Mr. Frodo. The vittles will be here soon.

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From theonering.net
The Top Ten Signs LOTR Merchandise Has Gone Waaaaaay Too Far:

10. Lord of the Rings cookies. I mean, HONESTLY, who wants to EAT Frodo?!
9. You go to the grocery store to pick up some milk. While you are there, you spot a packaged product labeled "lembas" on the shelf. Upon returning the next week, you also see "lite", "super lite", "baked" and "ultra-low-fat-tofu" lembas.
8. Fellowship-themed toothbrushes. Make your teeth look Gandalf-white!
7. Lord of the Rings- themed Q-tips. Cleaning out earwax has never been such an adventure!
6. Lord of the Rings-themed dental floss.
5. A local festival advertises "Free Angerthas decoder-pens for the kiddies!"
4. You find little marshmallow fellowship-members in your Foot Loops.
3. Rogaine sales suddenly skyrocket when they advertise "Have feet like Frodo in just 3 days" on their packaging.
2.You are doing the laundry, and you forget to take your plastic replica of the One Ring that you got free with a box of cheerios out of the pocket of your Saruman T-shirt, and you have to stop the machine and fish around for it, and the water washes off your temporary LOTR tattoo, which you got free with your purchase of a stick of LOTR bubble gum, that you bought at the local convenience store, to go with your miruvor flavored Slurpee, that you got for half price with the coupon you got in your box of cheerios along with the One Ring.

And the # 1 sign that LOTR merchandising has gone too far is:

1. Lord of the Rings themed toilet paper, with full colour pictures of the characters on each sheet. Flowers? PAH!!

Top Ten Signs Your a LOTR obsessed College Student: 10. You frequently write your name on tests in the angerthas.
9. When depositing your books in the library book drop, you start screaming as if your finger had been bitten off.
8. You speak to the squirrels in elvish.
7. You refuse to drink beer unless its served in a light up glass goblet.
6. While carrying a huge load of textbooks up 4 flights of stairs to your dorm room, you imagine that you're lugging a hobbit on your back, just to make yourself feel a bit better
. 5. When you catch your roommate borrowing your stuff, you demand, "What has it got in its pocketsessssss?"
4. You sprawl yourself across the hallway, allowing none of your hall mates to get through, telling them that they, "SHALL NOT PASS!"
3. While drunk, you can recite Aragorn's entire family tree, and do it at just about every party.
2. "Do not meddle in the affairs of professors, for they are subtle and quick to flunk you."

And the number one sign you’re an LOTR obsessed college student:

1. When security comes knocking on your door in response to a strange smoke issuing from your room, you tell them it's pipe weed.

Top 10 Nazgűl Lines Edited Out Of FOTR:

10. "Are we there yet?"
9. "Didn’t any of you wonder why your Ring of Power had a big red EYE on it?"
8. "You know, red is a much better color on you."
7. "These aren't the hobbits we’re looking for."
6. "I could really go for that Arwen chick if I were, y'know, still alive."
5. "You should have gone before we left Mordor."
4. "I thought YOU had the map!"
3. "I told you, there were only eight black horses. Now shut up and keep pedaling!"
2. "Do these robes make me look fat?"
And the number one Nazgűl Line Edited Out Of FOTR:

1. "Just because we wear black and ride around together doesn’t make us evil."

Top 10 Signs that you are in Middle Earth:

10. You think you are being followed by the ghosts of dead Mounties.
9. You now have a bad case of arachnophobia.
8. The cruise you are going on is only a one-way trip
. 7. You find yourself in the middle of a conversation with a large Chia Pet, who hates hastiness.
6. The elves (who seem much taller than you imagined) cannot tell you what you will be getting for Christmas because they claim they do not know any Santa Claus.
5. There is a ban on spelunking due to recent deaths.
4. When you give someone a friendly "Good morning", they interrogate you about its real meaning.
3. You realize that money does not grow on trees... But mallorn leaves do!
2. When you ask if anyone has heard of The Lord of the Rings, they shudder and run away.
And the number one reason that you know you are in Middle-earth:

1. You are approached by hole dwelling children who claim they are older than you are.

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10 Ways To Annoy a Wizard in Middle Earth:

10) Ask him does he do kids’ parties.
9) Tug on his beard then tie it to his shoe laces.
8) Steal his staff then play keep away.
7) Tell him in a patronising tone, "There is no shame in being Peter the Pink."
6) Keep on standing on his robes when you are behind him then say to him "Oh, pardon me."
5) Ask him to pull a rabbit out of his hat.
4) On a regular basis refer to his robes as pajamas.
3) If he ever gets a new piece of jewellery, say to him "That’s nice, I think I saw Saruman wearing something like that last week."
2) When he falls asleep, draw on his face with a marker.
1) Ask him when you are standing behind him, "If you are really a wizard, tell me what finger I am holding up."

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Nothing is copyright Shiloh. Everything belongs to its respective creator.