There used to be this site called godawful and it reviewed GODAWFUL fanfiction with a kind of biting sarcasm that makes me pee in my pants from laughing so hard. Recently, I came across a review someone on there wrote about a somewhat infamous story called "Legolas" by a girl named Laura. I've heard dear Laura was fifteen when she wrote this, which means she was old enough to know better. This review made me laugh until I cried, no lie. So be warned. The review in is regular script and quotes from the story are in italics.
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Following is Godawful's review of "Legolas" by Laura: I was assigned to review this story and then I started reading it and then I rolled my eyes at the whole found-baby/Mary Sue cliché when Legolas found the abandoned girl in the woods and took her home and named her Laura and and then I got to the first bit of dialogue and when I regained consciousness it was three weeks later and then I cried hard, white-hot tears like bullets.
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".
Then everything was all right for a little while as long as I blocked out the horrific spelling and grammar and ignored the total lack of periods and basically just stuck my fingers in my eyes and sang LA-LA-LA really loudly and pretended this whole sorry episode in my life was happening to someone else and then I got to the gratuitous rape scene and then I went on a tri-state killing spree and then I regained consciousness again but this time I was in a padded room with a security camera in the corner and there was blood under my nails and the taste of bile in my mouth and then I started screaming until the lining of my throat blistered and peeled off and then someone called a burly nurse.
Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
And then after a few weeks of shock treatment and being doused with a fire hose every hour on the hour I was granted computer privileges again and then I tried to finish the story and then I finally made it to the end where Gandalf and Strider fight Orcs and Frodo and the rest of the Hobbits suddenly show up for no explained reason and then Legolas saves his adopted daughter/sister and takes her back to Rivendell to cure her and they bond.
They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.
And then I gouged out my own eyes and ate them.
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That last line is what sends me over the edge.
If, like me, you are curious and want to read the story, don't. It's one giant long run-on thing. However, I have found a version of it with hysterical commentary that makes it a little more pallatable (really, it's no worse than some of the stuff I wrote as a little kid...). Here's the link:
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