Subject: Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who hadalso never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long,it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
(D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on
the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
********************************
Slackers Rules
1. I believe that if anything is
worth doing, it would have been done
already.
********************************
How to Clean a Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
************************
"List of Halloween Rules"
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if
it's really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a
church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or
committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
3. Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than
their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the longrun. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
6. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
8. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb,
crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
9. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that
it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately* if you value your life.
10 If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
11. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
12. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take
the hint and stay away.
13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you are doing.
14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and
so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
*****************************
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of
the amount of time given.
6. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide
to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.
11. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
12. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
